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think I'm done

(208 Posts)
onemoredayplease Sat 15-Feb-14 09:56:59

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terriblesad . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

Fairenuff Sat 22-Feb-14 11:16:57

Of course she wants to go straight away. If you were able to, you would want to as well. I think she will feel happier if you can offer her some reassurance.

Be honest with her, tell her that you are not sure at the moment of all the details but that both of you will be fine. You will be together and you don't need much as long as you have each other.

His family can still be in contact with her and even if she does move schools, she can keep all her old friends and make new ones. Tell her that it's a bit like an adventure and will all turn out ok in the end.

And tell yourself the same too, because it will be ok in the long run.

cjel Sat 22-Feb-14 08:52:35

Please try not to worry about the details. When you have a clear plan you can work towards it. It is amazing how much more you actually have in rl than in those 4am worries.
You don't have to start to look at homes to buy straight away, you can get temporary. Do you have to eave where you are? is it possible for him to leave in the short term so you can catch your breath?
Makee the decision to leave and see a solicitor, once you know the true situation wrt finances it won't be so daunting.

scornedwoman67 Sat 22-Feb-14 08:04:46

Morning onemore

I am in a similar financial situation as you and have been trying to think what I would do in your situation. Is the house in joint names? As a short-term solution could you move in with family or share a flat with a friend? Do any of his DC's live with you? If not, could he not move out?

newbiefrugalgal Sat 22-Feb-14 06:27:39

Se might be angry and upset but that's expected. Think long term and both yours and her happiness

onemoredayplease Sat 22-Feb-14 04:39:18

can't sleep. daughter has been working through the implications of leaving. upset at loss of extended family, now worried that she may have to leave her school. shes right on both fronts so hard to see. shes incredibly angry with me that we can't move now. I can't see a way to do that. I have no local family, no where to go. I'm employed in a good job with a good salary so there are no benefits for me. I've just been trawling rightmove and can't see anything we can afford where we need to be. I need to get an up to date mortgage statement but I fear she is right, we will need to move area.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:55:19

pretty much everything is at least straightforward without Mr Moody Headfuck and his dark unpredictable clouds.

Oh yes. So true.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:18:21

Yes it's hard. This part you are in now is very very hard. But take it from someone 14 months into freedom (and I'm sure others will be along really soon too) it gets much easier very quickly.

There is a deep sense of wonderful (priceless) freedom not sharing a house with a moody nasty head fuck of a person. Yes there are other issues to deal with - but pretty much everything is at least straightforward without Mr Moody Headfuck and his dark unpredictable clouds.

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 18:09:45

Making the decision is sometimes the hardest part OP. Start taking some small steps to find out where you stand financially. I would advise speaking with a solicitor initially.

If it's easier for you, you can let him think it's all blown over until you have bit more information about where to go from here. Knowledge is power.

You will feel more confident when you know what benefits you can get, where you might be able to live, etc.

thinking101 Fri 21-Feb-14 18:06:36

SO my pint is I couldnt love my DH when he was just my H and not present. Sorry if thats all confusing.

thinking101 Fri 21-Feb-14 18:05:58

I think you are being careful and me asured OP. Yes your daughter is your priority.

I just...dont understand how he has suddenly thought after 6 years he better make an effort.

I also dont understand how you can love someone who is so emtionally distant re the ignoring you etc and doesnt give you IMO whats considered within the normal boudaries of respect and affection.

I don't say the latter lightly. My DH became my H at one point, he wasnt 'present', he was having an EA (not for long) so then he became my STBXH for a while but we pulled it back from the brink. We are stronger now.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 17:51:22

Massive hugs. Yes it is hard. So so hard. More hugs to you <proffers hand>

onemoredayplease Fri 21-Feb-14 17:43:28

my time with my daughter is to reassure her, not ask her opinion. she is a smart girl and knew there was a lot of upset around last night, I don't want her thinking its her fault. I do love him but I'm not convinced he can maintain a change. if it was just me I would stay but its not so I cant. am upset and scared. some people make this sound easy, its not. I am about to dismantle 6 years of life, I am starting again whilst supporting my daughter. its painful and will be for some time to come but she is my priority.

scornedwoman67 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:18:04

onemore how are you this morning? I am guessing that you've been a bit scared to come back on here because of the reaction you are getting. I hope you can see that people really do have your & your DD's best interests at heart here. IF you REALLY think he will change, you need to make him work for it now. A few weasly words are not going to cut the mustard. Most importantly you need to think of your DD first. Show her that she is your top priority. Make him leave and let him prove himself again over time. He needs to earn trust and respect back from you both. Believe me if you let him walk all over you he will just relax back in to his old ways and in six months time you will be kicking yourself for not dealing with it now.
Please remember we are all here for you.

whatdoesittake48 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:04:15

Just take your time...

the world isn't going to end if you take a few days to think this through. it is a big thing to decide to leave your partner and you can't make that decision based on one incident.

You need to think through the entire relationship. What are long term consequences of his behaviour, what are the chances of his changing, what changes will you need to make and are you also willing, is he properly committed or just scared of being alone. How will this impact on all of the children.

Doing this thinking with him out of the house would be ideal. he also needs to work on his own issues and doing it apart from you would be best.

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 21-Feb-14 10:29:36

Here, I can explain the weekend:

He was having a big massive strop because the world you had all done didn't please him and he wanted to punish you all for not working hard enough to make him happy.

And he's not sorry. He'll do it again.

He just doesn't want to lose his captive audience for his self-created dramas.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 10:25:14

can't explain the weekend
Really? can't explain the weekend! More like can't be arsed to explain the weekend! Or even more like WON''T explain the weekend.

Even if he really didn't know WHY he was such an arse, surely seeing the devastation his behaviour had on you all, he would at least try to figure it out, question himself and try to get to the bottom of it?

But no - that's too difficult. So he comes up with "I just can't explain it" - which means, I don't care for such a level of self examination, you don't deserve an explanation, it is too hard for me to deal with so you just have to accept my wishy wash "I can't explain" excuses.

<tut>

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 10:11:09

I agree that you shouldn't be asking your dd now. She has told you how she feels. You having a single chat with him is not going to change her feelings.

She will feel obliged to try and get on with him for your sake. Do you know that children often feel that a relationship breakdown is their fault. 'If only I had tried harder to be good, to please him. If only I had been quieter, or cleverer, or prettier, then they would still be together and mummy would be happy'.

She will say and do anything if she thinks it is what you want. Don't ask for her opinion. Take control. Be the adult and remove her from this environment so that she can grow up emotionally strong and confident that her needs are just as important as anyone else's.

Don't allow her to grow up thinking this, it will only send her into the arms of a man who can emotionally and abuse her.

You know he won't change. He's had 6 years to change, tell you about his 'medical condition', seek help. He's done nothing.

He has treated you so awfully and the fact that he thinks he is done now, he has said his bit and now the The Great Man has spoken, everything can get back to normal, tells you what sort of man he is.

Where are his actions? If you left him, do you think he would come running after you. I don't. If it's not handed to him on a plate, he's not interested. He will find someone else to run around after him and try, in vain, to please him.

Whocansay Fri 21-Feb-14 09:38:43

OP, you do know that he ISN'T sorry for his behaviour, don't you? He's only sorry that there may be consequences. Your feelings of hurt at the weekend meant nothing to him. He did as he pleased and it pleased him to hurt you. Why do his feelings trump yours? Do they also trump your daughter's?

cjel Fri 21-Feb-14 09:20:53

Morning, I hope you got some sleep last night. I feel that it would be best if you had some proper time apart now, IF your daughter is willing to accept he has changed - and not just a few days - then you may reconsider reconciling but at the moment nothing has changed except he is not completely blanking your feelings. This is not great this is what should have been happening for years.

I don't know why you should discuss this with dd, it will put her in a horrible position of having to say 'hes not that bad , stay if you want' to appease you and then you have disregarded her feelings and you know what that feels like, don't do it to her.

Whatever he promised last night don't let pity for him and his health condition sway you into putting him above her. she deserves better even if you don't feel you do. Show her how important she is to youxx

captainmummy Fri 21-Feb-14 08:17:57

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, he's got a medical problem. Now. What was the excuse 6 years ago?
No excuse for how he treated you and the dc on his birthday? And since? Can't explain his behaviour? Possibly he did it because he wanted to, has no respect for any of you, is a total selfish arse?

Fairenuff Fri 21-Feb-14 00:33:44

accepts he has not tried to form a relationship with daughter and that this is wrong, gave me his thoughts as to why this has happened

What were his thoughts on this? I'd be interested to know his reasoning behind his behaviour towards her. He can't really justify it because if he knew he had a problem, he could have addressed it ages ago.

Also, did he say why he ignored you for so long, ignored your letter and stonewalled you?

Destinysdaughter Fri 21-Feb-14 00:10:28

He's had days to think about this. It sounds like he's just making excuses as he doesn't want to lose you and realises this is his last chance. You need to see actions not words. At the very least he needs to agree to go to couples counselling with you. Think carefully as when he thinks he's got you back he may get complacent again and stop trying. I really want you and your daughter to be happy. Life's too short to waste it with a deadbeat. What does he actually give you, OP..?

GarlicLeGrenouille Thu 20-Feb-14 23:59:16

My cat (bear with me, this has a point) has very thick, long, hair and moults incessantly. I took her from a couple who booted her outdoors whenever she sought shelter, so she never learned to respect furniture and is extremely clingy, which manifests as scratching. She's a domestic nightmare. I'd be in the finals for any Bad Housekeeping award and am not sensitive to cat scratches - so she's an okay pet for me. It's not her fault, but she is what she is: anyone who gave a shit about the state of their home, or was intolerant to cat allergens, would be a fool to take on a cat like mine.

Whether your 'partner' does what he does on purpose or is simply made that way, it's irrelevant. He does not meet your standards of emotional interaction, or even of manners. Your standards happen to be perfectly reasonable (just as it's reasonable to want a non-destructive pet!) Nobody should live with a person who denies them the emotional feedback & affirmations they need, who nullifies their presence and makes them feel anxious. Not you, and not your daughter.

Doha Thu 20-Feb-14 23:19:49

It just seems that he realises that he has pushed you just too far this time and is seriously backtracking-looking for any excuse to justify his actions or non actions.
To admit that he hasn't tried to form a relationship with your daughter after 6 years is awful, l am sure she has picked up on that long ago. Please do not waste any more of her childhood by making her live with this man. She deserves so much better.

onemoredayplease Thu 20-Feb-14 23:00:45

yes probably.

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