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Is it me or is he actually a bastard

(132 Posts)
Wtafjusthappened Fri 14-Feb-14 20:30:34

Don't want to drip feed here but I'm exhausted (newborn) and reeling at DP's disgusting behaviour.

The past year or so has been non stop arguing and tantrums and I've tried not to let the DCs be exposed to any of it which is hard. He left last week again (he 'breaks up' with me every few weeks as I'm so unbearable apparently) claiming I'm insane jealous and he hates me. Right fine this happens on a regular basis and I each time go running after him.

Tonight he comes home after spending most if the day in the pub. Fine but why get drunk when we we supposed to spend the evening together? Cue insane screaming tantrum while I sob on the sofa with the baby and the toddler now in tears. Apparently I'm the fucking fun police and he is now done with my fucking shit and the lies I make up about him! Out he goes into the night. I come upstairs to bF baby. I call him and he actually answers and we have a pointless conversation where I apologise and he tells me he's had enough and will come home but isn't going to do anything. I asked if we can try and salvage tonight but he isn't interested. Apparently as he brought me chocolates and a crad this am I should be grateful.

I asked him not to get drunk and pointed out how shocking it was that our relationship was in a state that I would even have to ask that! He claims yes he had a few drinks but that's all normal as it's it leaving do and I don't ever let him do anything so I can just fuck off. Nice.

He claims he isn't drunk of course but he is as he is aggressive and for the first time I actually felt scared if him as he is so angry. He wouldn't become violent towards me that's for sure I've just never seen him
This angry and that says a lot.

I'm so angry with him for making me feel like an episode of bloody Jeremy Kyle but I'm so so tired and my defences are down so I just cave.

Please help see a way through this hideousness.

StrawberryMojito Fri 14-Feb-14 20:34:34

He sounds awful. I really think you would be happier on your own.

OhGoveUckYourself Fri 14-Feb-14 20:37:55

OhWtaf it does sound hideous but I think you do need to stop it right away. You are obviousy exhausted and at a time when your partner should be supporting you the most he is acting like a child, well worse than that because children grow out of that behaviour.
You have to stop getting drawn into rows and then if he starts his tantrum let him leave, just don't phone him or run after him. It will be awfully hard but you need to tell him if he is unhappy then he must leave and stop inflicting his dreadful behaviour on you and, more importantly your children. All you are doing at the moment is feeding his ego and enabling his appalling actions.
I really feel so sorry you are going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 14-Feb-14 20:38:34

When it gets to the stage where you're scared of him then he has to go. No point hiding his aggression any more because it's not protecting the DCs, it's only protecting him. Do you have anyone IRL that you can call on for support while you tell him to pack?

No, it's not you. Yes, he's a bastard. It's not going to get any better until you leave him, I think you already know that xx

Why are you begging him to come back and apologising to him? He has been hateful. Where do you see this relationship heading?

TinselTownley Fri 14-Feb-14 20:43:58

The running after him thing doesn't work. I know this from bitter experience. It just legitimises his self-justifying fiction where you are to blame.

His behaviour is atrocious. Let him go and then do everything you can to stop yourself from calling or chasing him. Post here, talk to friends, put the baby in the buggy and walk round and round the park. Just don't call him and don't have him back.

Doing so repeatedly ate up years of potential happiness from and only made the ultimate end more catastrophic.

Thebluedog Fri 14-Feb-14 20:45:40

So sorry you have to go through this OP.

I will say that by him breaking up with you to get his own way is emotional abuse!

My exh used to do this, it was horrid and and I'd spend hours treading on eggshells, wondering when he'd next tell me it was over, then I'd beg him to come back and agree I pretty much anything until he came home - he was abusing me to get his own way hmm

Oh he sounds awful.

It's absolutely not on for him to speak to you like that. Yes, alcohol can make people argumentative but that doesn't excuse the vile things he said to you.

Don't bother trying to salvage things with him. It's just not worth it. He sounds vile. You're breastfeeding and you have a toddler and he thinks it's acceptable to spend the day in the pub, come home and shout at you? He should be home supporting you, or at least taking toddler out so you can get some rest inbetween feeds.

I would lock the doors behind him and make sure that he doesn't come home tonight. Do you have a friend or someone who can come over and sit with you and make sure he doesn't get back in? It sounds like he might get aggressive after all the swearing and you need to make sure you're safe.

Shineywhiney Fri 14-Feb-14 20:48:49

Sounds just like my now STBXH. I was called the fun police too as I dared confront him about his excessive drinking. Never actually violent towards me, I used to say that too. But I am damn scared of him. That's not right, to feel like that about your partner is it. Aggressive, intimidating and nasty- he left me 2 months ago and this is honestly the best valentines day I have had in the 7 odd years since we got together. I really feel for you. It's so hard to see a way out when you have small children but you don't deserve to live like this.

LuckyDayInHell Fri 14-Feb-14 20:51:08

Wish I could give you a hug OP.
Your relationship sounds shit and you'd be better off on your own, you know that right?
Ending a relationship is the last thing you feel like doing when you have a new born, anything for an easy life, I guess that is why you are apologising to him , but you need to do it.
It will only drain you more if you stay.

wontletmesignin Fri 14-Feb-14 20:52:12

He is telling you he is leaving as to put you back in your place.
It works. Because even though it is plain for you to see that he is being a dick...you still find yourself saying sorry. When you know you have done nothing wrong.
He is being unreasonable. He knows that you know, and so he throws a wobbler to make you feel like the bad one and bang...he gets what he wants.

Next time he walks out, lock the door behind him!

Why on earth did you think you had to apologise to him? confused

Your life changes when you become a parent - you no longer indulge all your impulses to go down the pub and get pissed whenever you feel like it. You have responsibilities at home. Your kids deserve a settled, responsible family life. Not arguing and screaming and swearing and a stressed mother wondering when her husband is going to come staggering back from the pub.

Yes, everyone needs a blowout now and again, as long as it's previously arranged and agreed on. Valentines night is a poor choice of dates if it's a date you usually celebrate.

Tell him all that. When he's sober and therefore able to see reason though. If he doesn't agree, you need to get rid.

ageofgrandillusion Fri 14-Feb-14 20:55:01

He's a cock OP, obviously. So why bother ringing him and chasing him? Just get on with your life, start trying to appreciate time with your young 'un and stop trying to make plans around a manchild.

mathanxiety Sat 15-Feb-14 06:47:57

It's so not you.

He has a mighty fine opinion of himself. You are a long way down his list of priorities, if you even make the list at all.

You are playing the game by his rules right now. The main rule is he expects you to judge him by his intentions (that he hides so well) and not by his actual actions and words. According to this rule you have really, really blown it tonight because he bought you a card and chocolates. The other rule is that you have to put up with everything and never, ever challenge anything he does.

In his head he is the victim here and you are tormenting him. You are not going to be able to cut through this wall of bullshit he has built around himself. He is not going to change his mind about this picture.

When you beg him to come back, or call him when he has gone off sulking he feels only contempt for you. So stop doing this. You are dealing with an overgrown toddler; that sort of pandering to tantrums would not work with a toddler and it won't work here.

Lweji Sat 15-Feb-14 06:53:01

That he keeps leaving and going back is enough to make him a bastard.
What do you get from him?

You should be leaving him, really.

Take a good look at his attitudes, get advice and help and get out. It won't get better and you and your DCs deserve a happy home life.

RudolphLovesoftplay Sat 15-Feb-14 06:53:47

Your DP is an absolute dick. You need to get rid quickly, especially if he is making you scared. I'm no expert on the support available to help you, but give woman's aid a call.

Wtafjusthappened Sat 15-Feb-14 07:16:49

This sounds like an excuse but it was his leaving drinks so I understand the drinking but not the drunkenness as the way I see it us spending time together is way more important than him getting pissed with people he isn't going to see again and claims he doesn't really even like.

I've been up all night again while he snores in the sofa like a disgusting lump.

No possibility of LTB I'm afraid. Not now anyway. We spoke last night and he said he doesn't want to be with someone who is only with him because the alternative of him leaving is to horrendous for me to bear ie on my own. The way I feel he is right, I only want him here for the practical help as he is fucking nasty! He keeps saying he doesn't want to be away from
His kids but then buggers off when we argue. It's one big power trip for him and I don't understand why he would so that. He thinks he's gods gift to the world which is the problem and is all sweetness and light around everyone else and when I'm being compliant but the minute I present a possible scenario of what I think is going on he goes crazy and tells me I'm horrible and think the worst of him and he doesn't want to be with me because of how I think of him. Fair enough no one wants a partner who thinks they are a complete cunt but then by that logic don't behave like one.

He always leaves when I'm
Exhausted and can't cope on my own ie no sleep and a baby that won't too BFing.

I literally want to go down stairs and poke him with a sharp stick this morning. He selfishly ruined last night to get pissed with his ex colleagues ffs. That's how far down in his list if priorities I am. God I can't wait to fast forward a few years so I'm in a position to just fuck of for a few hours too. Of course I won't actually do that as I have children.

The way he sees it is I treat him so badly I make him
Not want to be in this relationship. It's all me, I start arguments too as I antagonise him. Poor little dear that he is. I'm so annoyed with myself for even caring as he doesn't deserve any emotion from me.

He's ruined any chance of having a happy family in future as I'm at a point where yes I maybe don't love him and am only with him as right now him leaving is too awful to contemplate.

We aren't married so I have no financial protection and I've said if like some kind of document drawn up and he went ballistic. I'm
Horrible, I think this relationship won't last and so on. No of course it won't like this as who wants an unsupportive name calling bastard of a partner?

He says he does everything practically he can to help which granted I'll give him that but he does it ungraciously and if I explain this to him I get a barrage of abuse back usually. If he is in a good mood and I approach him with caution then maybe he'll apologise and say he's finding it hard.

I sent him an article on stonewalling and clearly explained not to take everything in the article and apply it to what he does ie the abuse but to read the effects that behaviour has as that's how I feel when he does it to me. My god did he hit the roof saying if he's such am anisotropic bastard I'm
Better off without him and why am I sending him things about abusive men. Hmmmmm...

I've reached a point where I no longer feel any goodwill towards this man child who can't walk past a mirror without puffing out his chest but him leaving isn't an alternative.

He claims he never gets to do anything either and I keep him prisoner in his own home. Bullshit I call. When he does go out he takes the piss which is why my anxiety levels are through the roof we'll not so much with this baby as I need to concentrate on her and keeping sane so hence I'm fucking exhausted!! He keeps says tell me what you want or tell me what I do wrong and wants specifics. Firstly if I so give him specifics he says it was ages ago and he can't be judged on one or two incidents. I say yes he can. He then says well you wanted a relationship with me?? Fine but doesn't give him
Licence to be a prick I would have thought.

Secondly it's subtle the way he carries on and not something so easy to put into words. So when I get all flustered he gets angry and then it's see you're making shit up again you can't even tell me what I do wrong!!

Argh I could literally poke him in the eye right now. Arsehole.

What do you ladies think is going in with him?

Wtafjusthappened Sat 15-Feb-14 07:25:04

Anisotropic - appalling or some similar adjective my autocorrect is tired too!

BitsinTatters Sat 15-Feb-14 07:25:51

I think he's an arse hole OP.

Why couldn't you live separately?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sat 15-Feb-14 07:30:53

He, my dear is a total unmitigated prick. That's what's going on. Still don't understand why you can't ltb, he is abusive, selfish and controlling.
In the famous mn phrase, I'm not an expert but I'm sure some wise soul will be able to advise you on your rights. Right now though your priority is getting you and your dp away from him. flowers
Oh and stop apologising to the twunt.

temporarilyjerry Sat 15-Feb-14 07:32:52

From a teacher's perspective, children cope when their parents separate. It's splitting up and getting back together that really screws them up.

bakingaddict Sat 15-Feb-14 07:34:03

Your DP is just an arrogant self-indulgent prick, fraid there is many of them in this world but the question is not what is going on with him but what is going on with you?

Why stay with this vile man exposing your children to his destructive behaviour. Are you so financially or emotionally trapped you could not live without him? What are your honest reasons for staying in a relationship that is eroding your self esteem?

FoxyHarlow123 Sat 15-Feb-14 07:34:23

What exactly would u like people to say? Your situation is untenable but you're not prepared to do anything about it. I just don't get it. You hate it, it's damaging to you, your children and him, yet it's impossible to leave? Well stay then and just keep going round the same ridiculous loop, living an appalling existence, with your children exposed to screaming and swearing and aggression.

Leaving is always an option. Can we help?

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