Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I actually hate my mil(427 Posts)
I apologise for the rant but there is a lot to explain!
I hate and I mean hate (silently hate she has no idea) my mil. To be honest from the day I went round the in laws house to meet them they proved themselves to be petty, manipulative, controlling assholes and I should have run for the hills! My mil screamed at my other half, crying and telling him he was a disappointment because he hasn't been over in 4 weeks (he had a rough patch whereby he kept himself to himself) and they could not stand the fact that since he's grown into his own person he isn't doting on them, calling everyday, visiting every week and smothering his mother in presents (she actually brought up that he never buys her anything nice when he visits!)
Since then, they've done nothing but bully him, make him feel worthless and guilty for not being a sporty, wealthy, sucsessful banker who visits his parents every other day. His mother has moments of screaming and crying at us, one of these being when we told them we were expecting...I got dragged on a walk with my mil where I was expected to explain myself fpr being pregnant! She cried and made me promise if my baby died not to try again until we were "ready" (shs meant they were ready, when it was on their terms!) They continued to yell and scream into the night about how awful it was that a 25 year old man is having a baby and he should be focusing on work blah blah blah until I snapped and told her she was a bully.
Since having my baby, she has smothered her...brought her ridiculous outfits (I have a tomboy she doesn't want your pink, fluffy, netted dresses) and manipulate everyone to get her way 24/7. They threw paddys saying they wanted us over every weekend which we tried to do but it's tough when my oh works full time and we only get 2 days together to sort everything and spend family time and now after demanding our time constantly and screaming and crying when it doesn't happen they've moved to Jersey because they've been offered work where they can make loads of money (theyre money obsessed and already have loads) and now when theyre back they want us to drop everything and spend every second with them, that or hand our dd over to them regardless of the fact they have moved away from her and don't know how to look after her and she doesn't know them!
They have been nothing but bullies the whole time I've known them especially my mil who simply cries to get her way and I'm sick of it. They offer no support, constantly nag and when we try to treat them and be thoughtful it goes unnoticed or isn't enough.
If she fell off the face of this earth I wouldn't miss her. If I had listened to her my dd wouldn't be here, if in my vulnerable hormonal state their bullying had got to me I could have aborted her yet they think they have grandparents rights? !
Delete the emails without reading them and same goes for the voice mails.
Dont answer the door if they know. Rip letters up etc.
They only have power over you if you let them.
I wouldn't but I think they'd bully dp. his father sends nasty emails to my dps work email address! leaves messages and answer phone messages, I reckon theyd bang the door down if we ignored them long enough!
Yes we have had this and a good dollop of emotional blackmail including their recruitment of dh other family members.
the worst for me was the coming to the door.
Its an odd situation to be in, when two people who you know don't really love or respect your dh, certainly don't like you, keep on coming at you, to get at gc. If it wasnt for the GC they would have dumped us long ago.
we also never made big NC statements, just had to cut down visits and time, I have not been to mils for 6.5 years now! which is amazing.
Dh used to take DC their but he does not feel comfortable in their home...then DC used to go alone but came back withdrawn and strange and then recently they started to realise I think contact was slowing down, they have gone all out on visits to please DC...but at the moment she isn't that fussed.
I don't know what their next move will be, I have thought they might take legal action. But have taken comfort from these board that if they do its highly unlikely they would be granted access.
Its been a long hard road, but I feel after years of being the bendy willow to their rigid oak, I feel like I am in recovery and we as a family are. There have been many other pressures and stresses we have had to cope with, and the extra pressures from them have nearly sent me mad. But we got through it.
Beth ours are wealthy too and TBH would be very generous with us if we were on good terms with them, but I learned long ago its not worth it! They may be wealthy but they drain every single drop of joy out of life and they are always trying to get us to be like them.
You can set up filters or rules for email where they go straight into a junk folder or deleted folder or even a folder for looking at later when you can be bothered! You may even be able to divert emails to another adress?
I think we will have to gradually removw ourselves from them or else they will make life even harder than it is now. I'm sure mil will throw a wobbler as soon as we start insisting on meeting for a coffee out, or at a play area for no longer than an hour because we have "other plans". only problem is everytime we see her she pushes and pushes for more time with dd, wanting to take her etc and it's just akward because every normal person would back down when they realise we don't want to do that but she is very persistent. as soon as weve both got used to just saying "no, it's not convenient" we'll be fine
they try and control us with money but I spotted it very quickly that they are manipulators and use money as a tool and I have told dp never ever to accept anything from them, we don't need it and I don't want it.
as for blocking emails etc I will mention it to dp...im sure because it's his work email and he works for a private bank any harassment can be sorted pretty quick anyway, he has a good relationship with his boss so I'm sure he wouldn't mind asking tp get his fathers emails totally blocked haha.
the pair of them are off on holiday flr 2 weeks now...thank god. wouldn't it be a shame if they got stuck out in dubai?
good thanks. haven't heard much from them since her party, they just text on her birthday 3 times, but I ignored dp didn't though; he politely replied...but whatever.
enjoying my break because theyre on holiday as of tomorrow. ahhh
that sounds like heaven! How long are they away for?
not back in england for at least a month..
Almost enough time for you to have moved! Certainly enough time for new phones though.
Enjoy your month!
Looking back on this thread for reassurance. Mother in law has made it pretty clear she hasn't changed at all and never will. Cancelled my wedding yesterday because of these people and reading all this makes me feel I made the right choice.
I'm not spending thousands on a day they are bound to ruin.
Just read the whole thread, and am sorry to hear things are no better with your MIL. What is your relationship with your DP like? Do you still want to marry him? If so, would you consider having a small wedding with just a few close friends without telling your inlaws about it until afterwards? Would your DP accept that?
I must say, so much of your thread reminded me of my sister. Even down to the graduation (at my first one my sister, who I had to invite as she lived in the same city and I wasn't allowed not to invite her, had two tantrums - one because she wasn't in the centre of MY graduation photos, and the other because she hadn't chosen the restaurant we ate at!!!!!!). So I do understand what it's like. I, also, long ago realised I could never have the big wedding of my dreams as she'd spoil it, whether she was invited or not. My mother did once agree I needn't invite her, but there would be huge consequences if I did (and not just to my detriment). So I avoid relationships, and thus avoid the chance of a wedding.
I really hope you and DP sort something out.
What happened love? X
Crumbs, that's an update and a half.
i think it's a wise decision though. You need to resolve this and DP needs to start separating his life with parents from his life with you and his daughter. Once he no longer feels and acts like a 10 year old in their company, then he's a grown up and can get married.
Nooooo! Take control of your own wedding. Plan it all then tell her. Or elope and have a special dinner when you get back!
Did you try to implement any strategies that were discussed back in Feb? What happend?
What was your man's reaction to this?.
If you and this man marry his parents cannot play any part in this whatsoever. They must not be there under any circumstances.
Infact you need to both go NC with them as of now if this has not already happened.
We were some way through planning and paying for our wedding, picked out colour scheme, cakes, venue etc etc and last weekend my in laws came back from Jersey and basically messaged my dp asking to have our daughter for 2 days.
I have just returned to work and my daughter has just started spending 4 days a week with out me at a childminders. We explained this and said it's not a good time to take her but we will meet with them.
This obviously resulted in my mil sending a text to my partner which even to the most stupid of people is recognisable as emotional blackmail. Something alone the lines of "it's clear you never want to see me, all I have is fond memories of you, you don't love me anymore and we haven't done anything to deserve this, I hope it never happens to you" followed by a 45 minute phone call at 10.30pm crying down the phone.
She does this every time she gets told "no". She turned us not letting her have our daughter (of which she never sees because SHE chose to move away) for two days into an excuse to accuse my dp of being a neglectful son.
Which is ironic considering since they moved we went to see them and have seen them when they have come back.
I think I fell into the trap of thinking it would be easier now they're abroad to just put up with them enough to keep them off our backs, but this just isn't the case.
When they've been back we have made sure we spend time with them in company of others (mil rarely displays crazy behaviour in front of outsiders) and have limited visits to an hour, often outside of either of our homes ie; a coffee shop. We have tried being firm and saying "no" when we wish, and have tried making it clear we are adults with our own opinions and we will raise our daughter as we see suits. (This has been picked up on and mentioned during that phone call, apparently dp seemed "off" with them when we visited)
Dp is very near cutting them off, or at least was the other night but I know it's not what he wants, he wants normal parents, but he just hasn't go them. Whenever they act up he puts his foot down and he hasn't allowed his mums crying etc to work on him but he still and always will loves his mum.
We mentioned whilst we visited about us eloping and she assumed she was coming, so we said if we did it would just be us 3, she went ballistic in the middle of a fish market and refused to speak to us about it.
I cancelled the wedding because I have a big family, all of which I love and would want to share my day with, my dp also has about 30 relatives he would love to encore but we just wouldn't get away from inviting his parents, they would make our lives hell.
For now I'm not thinking about any wedding, it was fun dreaming about the day but it's clear that my in laws are never going to make life easy and I'm not sure whether it's right to commit to a man who is almost 30 and has mummy issues.
Please listen to Atilla love, she has had some similar issues of her own and managed (seemingly) to have found a way through it. It does however mean he has to be on board.
plan the wedding you want, have the day that you want and deal with the fallout in your own way. you will get through this and it will be OK.
Your DP will ultimately have to make the decision to cut his parents off himself. He seems very much still in FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to them anyway.
His mother will continue to push and to disregard any boundary that you care to set. She will not change. You can only both change how you react to her and her enabler H from now on.
And do keep your DD completely away from these two; if you find them too difficult/toxic/abusive to deal with it will be the same for your both vulnerable and defenceless child. Some grandparents really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren; his parents are a case in point. There is also no automatic rights for them to see their grandchild anyway.
Its painful watching a narcissist interact with their grandchild mainly because there is no interaction. Its like watching a re-run of a tv show you've always hated.
You need to go NC ASAP
Where is DP standing on it all at the moment? Did you stick to your guns re her having your DD for 2 days?
I had a toxic grandmother - it was hell - Best thing you can do is go NC.
Because she will manipulate her grand children - my grandmother ruined our entire family life and made my parent's life hell. My brother and I still shudder whenever we mention Granny X - we are both in our 50's. That's how long a shadow that woman cast. She was a nightmare toxic bitch from hell - she also had pots of money - she made sure she spent every last penny and died with £100 in the bank.
I really wish my parents had gone NC, my mum wanted to but Dad felt too guilty.
My father, at 87, finally admitted that his mother was toxic - for years he would explain that locking 6 year old boys in a coal cellar for 3 days without food or water was a totally reasonable punishment. That's how much she warped him.
I do still want to marry him, yes. But I am so stressed by his parents I just can't bare the though of his mother face on our day, telling everyone how proud she is, pretending she is wonderful. Paying £2k for photographs with her face In? No thanks!
If I made dp choose between me and them he would choose me, but I don't want that. Unless it is 100% his decision he may blame me when they're dying etc. couldn't bare that. I always feel like although he sees that his mothers behaviour is manipulative and abusive he still thinks he can manage it somehow to avoid feeling guilty for disowning them.
It's also the fact that no matter what, when we do disown them they will think they've done absolutely nothing to deserve it, I have a mental list of horrible situations they've put us in that I wish I could write down and post through their door one by one for them to read when they get back from Jersey next :L
The issue is definitely that I feel that by picking up on his mother behaviour I have created this problem, which my logical mind knows isn't true but I need dp to make the decision by himself for this to work.
If I can't have the big family reunion I was hoping for on my wedding day I don't see the point, my family mean a lot to me and I'd want all 60 of them there and I know my dp would want his aunty's and uncles there, but how the hell are we meant to explain to them that their brothers wife is a narcissist and isn't going to be there because she's evil. They barely see the woman (because she makes sure she doesn't, her husband is HER husband and not to be shared with even his sister on her 50th birthday!) so they don't really know her well enough to see it.
Too complicated and just not worth the stress.
Ok so the woman is very over bearing but is she a risk to your dd? I would think hard about not letting them spend time together. It is good for children to forge loving relationships with other family members. You are saying four days per week with the childminder so why couldn't they have her for two of those days or maybe one of those days. Surely they haven't upset or hurt your dd?
I have not read all of your posts (first and last ones) but it seems like your dh wants to be involved in his parents life. I don't think it's wise for him to pick between you. He is with you and I suppose he could see his parents without you?
Why cancel the wedding? Just make and book your plans and send them an invite. Don't give them the chance to interfere or wear you down. Don't give them control. Also you do not have to put up with her nonsense. If she cries, you can go to the bathroom. If she brings expensive gifts for the dd, return or sell them. Don't invest all of your emotions in her. It's draining you. Sucking your emotional energy away.
I know you want to spend time with your dp on a weekend but if they are visiting make sure your getting your hair done that weekend etc
Book that wedding girl!
Miggsie, that's awful :| I couldn't ever see my in laws physical harming us or our daughter but they will manipulate with money and emotional blackmail whenever they can, which will just get worse as dd gets older.
I worry so much she will feel like you do about them, I hated my dad's parents because they were just nasty people and my mum made sure I didn't see them, for various reasons and I don't feel I was deprived of anything because of it.
I would feel completely awful if my dd suffered because of them, I really would.
It is apparent from your response you haven't read the full thread and even the full thread doesn't cover the half of my mils emotional, financial and mental abuse. I wish I had the energy to explain, if only people could see the affect my in laws have had on me, my dp and our relationship. It's damaging to us a couple, a family and my dp is scarred for life because of the way he has been treated by his parents, for not being an obedient son, if my daughter ever has her own opinion, beliefs or makes choices they do not agree with she will be treated in the same way.
This isn't a decision I've made lightly, it's been 2 years of suffering, for everyone. I don't know how I made it through my pregnancy crying everyday, the amount of stress I was put under everyday and being thrown out of the house at 1am because they are angry at us for not planning the pregnancy like they did theirs. Some would say she was a danger to my dd before she was even born.
I think you are so absorbed with your mil that its affecting you wayyyy too much. I'm not trying to downplay her behaviour but you need to try and let go of some of your angst towards the whole situation. I totally understand what you mean when you say you feel you have created a situation and that's exactly why you need to distance yourself from it. It's destructive, you can't fix them, you can't control them and you won't change them. And your dh wants to be involved with them in some ways.
Can't you just keep a distance? And you did say she behaves well in the company of others so I'm sure that she will be well behaved at your wedding. I personally would tolerate her for the sake of your dp.
Join the discussion
Please login first.