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Thrown under a bus with MIL by DP...what to do?(59 Posts)
I have been with DP for 3.5 years.
I have always had a fantastic relationship with PIL. Myself and DP were a bended family with kids from previous marriages and from minute 1 they treated me like a daughter and my DCs like their own Grandchildren. I could not fault them, we all got on great and they felt like my own Mum and Dad.
Cut a long story short, my DP had a midlife crisis moment and split up with me during a very silly argument. He was stressed and very upset and just did a runner basically.
He's a bit of a Mummy's boy and ran right home to Mum and Dad, all tears and told them he'd had to leave me because I made him really unhappy and essentially blamed the entire thing on me.
So anyway, I was really shocked when it was all happening that his parents didn't support me. His Mum always told me she was so happy he'd found me. I couldn't understand it at all. They washed their hand of me like I never existed.
He came back a few weeks later, very sorry, and said he was stressed to the hilt and made a massive mistake in a moment of utter madness. We are talking, working on it and have started counselling now. Things between us are going very well. We are working out the hows and whys of why he came to this (a lot of it boils down to his other marriage issues and fears) and I feel really positive about he and I sorting it.
The trouble is, because of whatever it was he said to his Mother, she is now influencing him against me. Not overtly, but here's what I mean:
1. We went away for the weekend together to talk and work through things and he called her afterwards and told her how much he loved me and how great I'd been at sticking by him through a rough time and she said "yes, but a weekend isn't the same as living together"
!!!!!! As if in her mind she thinks I am bad to live with !!!!!
2. We are due to go away again for a weekend soon, and he said he hasn't told her because she'll only worry that he's not thinking straight.
!!!!!!!! Again, as if in her mind I am some sort of evil cow !!!!!!
I am absolutely livid.
I treated her son like a king and loved her grand kids like they were my own. The split was all down to him and his own issues. In fact, when we started in counselling he actually couldn't come up with a single thing I'd actually done that bothered him.
Yes, somehow, I feel like I have been painted to his family as the wrongdoer.
I feel like he is a bloody coward who did a shitty thing and instead of manning up to it is letting me take the fall.
It's worth saying that I really love him, he has never, ever been an arse before and I don't want to split up over this but I do want vindication.
Am I being to proud and stubborn?
How do I ever resolve it?
His family are a big part of his life, and right now I feel like I completely hate them. I am also really angry at him.
What should I do?
Kick his sorry arse out. Who needs the hassle?
Your title suggests your dp has tried to kill you and your mil.
Maybe your mils comments were directed at your son, not yourself.
She sounds worried for the both of you, imo.
It might not mean she thinks you are an evil cow, but that you and her son are not compatible.
That's the thing. If we were the sort of couple of were volatile or didn't get on or weren't suited I'd understand, but that's a million miles from the truth.
If she thinks we're not compatible, he's telling her something I don't know about and that make me feel really angry.
Once I read a clever say by one mum to her daughter,"Do not tell me anything bad about your DH because you will forgive him but I will not." He needs to man up and tell you about his talk with his parents. What did he tell them?
Well....have you sat down and spoken to them or him?
Have you asked what exactly he's said?
He obviously needs to tell his family how he actually feels.... although sounds like she might not believe him anyway and think he's under your spell or something!
I'd want to know what he was saying to them
What msdiamant said. You probably don't want to know what he said to her, but whatever it was, it was bad enough for her to behave this way, and yes, it's all his fault. So, then do what BOF said.
I've asked him what he said and he said he just cried and said "I love her but living together isn't working out".
I am not sure if he said much worse...he probably did.
He says once we move further along with things and we are sure we are getting back together that he will put it all right.
Seems like a mickey take to me? Like he wants to see if it works out before he faces the music?
I know you are all saying what BOF said is right, but that's not really what I want. What I want is to find a way to sort it out.
As I said, before all this he was never an arse.
The only thing I will say is that he has always been obsessed with the idea of being seen as a stand up guy by his parents. He really has an issue with being honest with them and they see him as perfect (which he isn't)
Honestly, it doesn't matter what he says now to defend you, his parents (who aren't your IL's because you're not married.. small point) will think it's all your influence. Even if he admits he lied, they will think he's only saying that because you told him to, or because he wants them to like you again.
Best you can do is sit down with them and try to air out the grievances... and even then I doubt it will work because my sister used to complain about her DH all the time and 12 years later mum still hasn't forgotten, or forgiven.
Oh crap OP it's worse because you love him.
He has to put things back to how they were but short of building a Tardis I don't see how he can fix this. He was so convincing that I suspect his parents will only think you have talked him round or manipulated him.
I bet it's not just two adults PILs are thinking of, it's the GDCs. They will be afraid of upheaval and lasting effects on those too young to know what's going on. Maybe they have a point.
Or put more basically, I realise that she blames me for him being very stressed / upset etc. because on the day we split he told her that, but in counselling he's identified that all that has absolutely nothing to do with me at all (it's all childhood crap, ex wife crap, job crap) and it all came to a head.
The counsellor actually suggested I stop coming to sessions for a few weeks so he can work through his own issues separately!
The thing is that while I know that and he knows that he is avoiding telling everyone else that and it makes me feel really pissed off.
He's always, always been like this. Obsessed with what people think of him and I guess it;s easier for him to let everyone thin the problem was me than the problem was him.
I feel like I want to go bananas at him, but he's working through some childhood stuff and he's a bit fragile and I suppose the right thing to do is to wait and then lay it on the line that he needs to rectify the mess he made.
I just feel like I want to tell him "fine, we can go away for the weekend and start dating then when you've sorted all this out".
Cross posts there, but the previous two posters said stuff I am really worried about here!
Why did he do such a bloody stupid thing!!
You know, the thing is, I have a completely clear conscience on all of this.
I treated his kids like my own, read them stories, cuddled them when they were scared (their Mum isn't part of their life he had a dreadful marriage).
I was supportive, I always listened, we didn't fight or bicker, we liked the same stuff, we had a great sex life, we had a great friendship. Everything about this relationship felt easy and natural and there was never any drama.
He acted a total dick during a moment of stress and aggro, due to his own emotional issues, and yet somehow he's managed to come off scott free from it and make it look like it was my fault.
And this might seem silly, but I put everything I had into being a good partner and mother and stepmother and was really proud of what we had and I feel like he's sullied it.
It's completely unfair. And you're all correct really. His parents will just think I manipulated him, won't they.
I think your husband needs to tell you the truth about what he has actually said to his mum and dad. He is not telling you the full extent.
It's not right that he has made it look like it's all you in order to preserve his image that he is wonderful.
I would not discuss it with your mil because he can do no wrong in her eyes as he is mummy's boy. She will only take offence.
He really shouldn't have run to his mum. How can he not see doing that will affect the whole family if you stay together, knowing that he's mummy's boy. He should have gone to a friend.
It's not his mother. It's your husband that has put you in such a crap position I'm afraid and it stops with him to now put it right. No lies and no worrying about himself and his own image. He can put you first for once!
I wouldn't work on it until he has sorted it out between you and his family.
Could you bring this up with the counsellor? I think I'd be telling her/him the PIL reaction, and seeing if she/he has an opinion on how to handle this. They must have seen this before.....
But, Livid, have a look at what you've just posted again. According to you, you were a great partner, did nothing wrong, yet he still managed to walk out and blame you for his issues. What is to stop him from doing it again, and again? With you getting the blame each time?
He's a manipulator. You yourself have described him as a stand up guy, really great apart from this, his parents think he can do no wrong. You'll never win with someone like this. And he doesnt want to put things right until he's sure you're getting back together? Why doesn't he want to put things right anyway, because it's the right thing to do, and even if you don't get back together, not have his family think badly of you?
Why do you even want him in your life? He sounds like a total dickhead.
If he cannot man up before you get back together again, he honestly does not love you enough for the long haul and you will end up as road kill every time life gets too stressful.
I think you expect his Mum to be nice to you, consistent to what things were like before. It may be that you all need for her to be a little distant from you for a while.
I think you feel hurt and excluded by her and that's perfectly understandable but if you just look at it as if your relationship with her is changing and that you are establishing a stronger bond with DP you might find some peace in that and things will move on.
As long as he is supporting you it's probably going to be fine. She sounds a bit two-faced to have been so close and then drop you but don't get into the personal battles, she is the way she is, you have your DP who loves you and that's what matters. These things tend to pass.
I agreed with all that Bedtime1 and whitersnam that's a really good idea actually!
Kalevala I know you're right there. I was reading this book "Mr Nice Guy" about how nice guys often use manipulation subtly because they need to be liked and seen as good people. It's like way of getting what they want without actually coming out and being assertive.
Just as an example, if he wanted to go on a night out, he would come and tell me he felt he had to go because so and so would really appreciate him being there. Always trying to make it look like the things he did were to be "good" instead of just saying "I want to go on the night out". It did used to annoy me a bit.
The thing is, he just isn't dickhead. We all have flaws. I know if we picked apart anyone's man's worst parts in a thread they'd come across as a dick head and he is 99% great.
Good listener, great Dad, affectionate, supportive, kind, attentive, got on great with my friends and family, funny, interesting, respectful, thoughtful. I had no complaints and like being with him more than I like being with anyone else I've met before. I was just happy with him before all this, so yes, I suppose I would rather sort it out than throw the relationship away.
He is though a major Mummy's boy, a conflict avoider and I suppose a bit weak. I'll insist he deals with all that before I'll have him back.
I do know he will come around shortly and do whatever is required to smooth things over, but as the other posters have said...the damage is done really.
On the other hand, I was thinking it's his own foot that he's shot. I used to invite his parents over all the time for weekends and go with him for visits and it was all hunky dory and he loved that we got on so well. He's cocked that up now and conflict between me and his family will be more of a problem for him than it will be for me. He can clean his own bloody mess up, can't he.
It's a bit like being accused of rape or something, in that even if you're innocent you're always going to be tarnished by the accusation because everyone will think there's no smoke without fire.
Grr...am so angry I can't sleep. Thanks for letting me rant here and for the support.
Don't forget it might be MIL behind all this. Mummy's boys tend to have controlling or at least clingy mothers behind them. My MIL is like that. Total nightmare.
His Mum always told me she was so happy he'd found me.
This could be a red flag on itself. Why were they so happy? Didn't they think he'd find a nice person? What changed in him when he met you?
There are two possibilities here, IMO. He's the manipulative one, trying to make sure you don't get along with his parents, or she is the manipulative MIL.
Not sure I'd want to be there in any case.
I also worry when you say I do know he will come around shortly and do whatever is required to smooth things over. How do you know this? It sounds like he's being manipulated by you as well.
Why don't you take a step back and see what he actually does?
Lweji, this was because his previous marriage had been very long, and very abusive. He was sad, lonely and emotionally battered when we met and he changed into a really happy person after we got together. I think his Mum was just really glad he was in a happy situation, and also that her grandkids were in such a happy home.
I don't believe his Mum has issues, I believe he has a compulsive need to be thought of as wonderful. he actually has this with everyone. Not just his Mum
How was it abusive? Who told you it was abusive? Him or his mum?
Is that what he's saying about you now?
Tbh I would confront the mil and ask her why she thinks you broke up. If he's lied to her, and it's clear he probably has, then dump him.
If she is just worried about him/the kids, then give it time - my parents would have the same concern if dp and I broke up and reconciled. Concern is not necessarily "against" you.
I think the problem is your DH. He needs to tell you exactly what he told her. And if he realises he was at fault he needs to tell her that as well.
You have no idea what he's said to her to make her so worried about your future as a couple.
So your partner hasn't pushed you and your mother-in-law under any bus?
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