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Found out dp is on the sex offenders register

(300 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

mrscoleridge Mon 10-Feb-14 21:37:46

Please be kind as this has only come out today and I think I'm in shock.
Have posted before about dp that I have been with for a few months. Am smitten with him and we have been very happy.
However my friend googled him and found that he was convicted of having a relationship with a pupil and was dismissed as a teacher.
She was 15 and pursued him according to the judgement and it only got as far as some kissing and cuddling.
I can't believe this and as I have two teenage daughters am in turmoil. He doesn't know I know.
He's been great with my family and as this was few years ago must have been out of trouble since.
I've no idea who knows.
Help!!

CookieDoughKid Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:39

Just 4 years ago? That would ring major alarm bells for me. And she was a minor? Either he had no clue about her she or he gave in. Come on. My mid 30s dh won't even look at a 18yo let alone 15.

Yes, he has served his time etc but unless you know the full story, please be cautious.

Dirtybadger Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:44

44!! I assumed he was newly qualified (22/23 at the time) although with such an abuse of power and trust as already said, I'd still be straight out the door! Esp. As he didn't tell you.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 10-Feb-14 21:51:59

Buying apples instead of oranges is a mistake.

Kissing and cuddling a pupil when you are forty years old is not.

WinterDrawsOff Mon 10-Feb-14 21:52:22

If he is still on the register, he has lied to the police about you. If they knew about you, they would visit and make you aware of his offending as your children are at risk.

RayPurchase Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:05

shock so he was 40 and he knowlingly kissed a 15 yo?
And he kept it from you. Bad news.

Chocberry Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:12

I do believe you are in shock and trying to justify this.
He was 40 and kissed and cuddled a 15 year old girl. Sorry but this is very bad and you need to now take steps to protect your daughters from such a man I'm afraid.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:16

You're torn?!
There's mistakes, and there's abuses of trust.
Even if this man wasn't a risk to your daughters (please imagine one of their middle aged teachers kissing and touching them - still OK, they've been punished, forget it?) then why would you choose to be with someone who would do that?
A 40 year old man kissing a 15 year old child.
Disgusting.

You've only know him a few months, you're not losing anything here.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:16

4 years ago and he hasn't mentioned it. Does he live with you? If not I'd be blocking his phone number and cutting all ties. If he does live with you, I'd be packing his stuff.

tattychicken Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:21

It would be a big fat no from me. He knew her age and crossed the boundaries. Whether she 'pursued' him or not, she was a child. He was in a position of trust and should have dealt with it appropriately. Not someone I would like to build a future with.

Littlefish Mon 10-Feb-14 21:53:46

He was 40, she was 15.

She was a child. What he did was abuse a child.

There is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

He abused a child from a position of power.

Walk away.

MrsSteptoe Mon 10-Feb-14 21:54:26

OK. 44 years old - that is really, really old enough to understand why the law stands as it does in relation to this. Had he been 22 at the time of the offence, I might just about have been able to take on board the idea that he might have had time since then to mature and understand the thinking behind the law (obviously he wasn't going to be that young, as you've got teenage daughters).
Apart from not having told you, it's about the fact that he didn't have sufficient maturity to understand why what he was doing was wrong, even after he turned 40. If he didn't get it then, he won't have got it now.

Pinkandwhite Mon 10-Feb-14 21:54:59

I would end this immediately if I was you. He abused his position of trust with a teenage girl and has not mentioned it to you. I'm really sorry you've had such a nasty shock but I think your priority now is to protect your teenage daughters.

Logg1e Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:01

I'm on my phone, would you PM me OP?

You have to finish this relationship for your children's sake.

When you are 40, kissing a 15 year old is abuse not a mistake.

basgetti Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:09

From your previous thread you've only been with him about 2 months and that was full of red flags even without this. Why are you even contemplating continuing a relationship with this and exposing your children to him?

CookieDoughKid Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:09

You don't have to be vigilante but it would pay for you to do a some research into such offences, the kind that commit them and take a step back on what this could mean. Do you what kind of porn he is into for example? Sorry I know it's so shocking to ask but it wouldn't hurt to find out.

Puttheshelvesup Mon 10-Feb-14 21:55:10

Sorry you are going through this. You must be feeling horrendous, but this is a little more serious than a person 'making a mistake'. He hasn't volunteered this information to you, so if you confront him how do you know he will be completely honest? Also, under what circumstances was the relationship brought into the open? Did he confess to someone off his own back, or were they caught? If they were caught and prevented from taking things further there is no way to really know what his long term intentions were. We're human, we make mistakes and the people we love forgive us, but most peoples mistakes don't involve sexual contact with children.

Run like the wind. In my considerable experience in this area a) leopards don't change their spots b) good men don't start relationships with kids, however "pursued" they are confused

tiredlady Mon 10-Feb-14 21:56:44

OP
How would you feel if you had a 15yo dd who was infatuated with one of her 40yo teachers and ended up kissing and cuddling with him. Would that be ok with you?

Twinklestein Mon 10-Feb-14 21:56:52

Personally, after my experiences at school with the teachers who made 'mistakes' with 15 year old girls. That would be it for me.

Some guys can't be trusted around teenage girls & he's one of them. He did not see that 15 year old as off limits.

It's not as if he was newly qualified and immature. He was 40!

I would not be able the shake the possibility that your daughters are part of your attraction.

Helpyourself Mon 10-Feb-14 21:57:17

Finish the relationship immediately.
It's extremely simple.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 10-Feb-14 21:57:57

I can see why he wouldn't announce this to someone on a first date. But I think if you have become serious and are planning a future together, then he really ought to have told you this himself by now. He should know that it would be a huge issue given the age of your daughters, and that he would need to accept that he would be under scrutiny and he would have to keep working to earn your trust. Instead he has stayed silent. It probably seemed like the best thing to do from his point of view, but it wasn't the right thing to do - so there is still a question mark over his judgement.

TheScience Mon 10-Feb-14 21:58:03

So he was 40 and in a position of power/responsibility over a 15 year old.

If you've only been together a few months, cut your losses now. There are plenty of fish in the sea who aren't predatory men on the sex offenders register.

OP just searched you and seen that a few weeks ago you were considering having him move in with you. I hope that didn't happen. I also see you're a teacher yourself so you KNOW how bad it is that he was messing around with a 15 yr old. That alone should make you get shot.

pictish Mon 10-Feb-14 22:01:38

No. Him 'kissing and cuddling' a 15 yr old at the age of 40, is not a 'mistake', it's an abuse of power.
He did it willingly and deliberately.

I certainly couldn't continue the relationship. The bond would be broken upon learning that.

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