OH a pain when drunk

[kentishgirl]

Hi

I've been in a relationship with a lovely man for about 10 months and we now live together, and are talking of marriage. There's just one thing that bothers me - and I can't seem to get anywhere talking to him about it - and I can see that over a few years it's going to become more annoying for me.

He likes his beer, and going to the pub with mates. This, I don't mind. He doesn't drink terrible amounts, but he drinks quickly and is a bit of lightweight compared to his friends. He gets drunk quickly. He only does this when I'm not there - he paces himself more when I'm around and never been a problem when we are out together. the problems are

1. sometimes he'll go out and not come back for 2-4 hours after I was expecting him. I would like him to text me to let me know plans have changed. He has never done it. and then he gets the hump because I've got the hump. It's not that I feel any need to control what he's doing, and I've explained that, it's just inconsiderate to leave me sitting at home wondering what's going on. For example he normally gets in from work around 6. Last week he came rolling in drunk at 9. He'd been planning to cook dinner for us. I didn't know what to do. I was hungry so ended up cooking dinner, but then felt guilty about eating before he was home in case he was just stuck in traffic or something. but no, it was the pub. I felt like I was just hanging round for him. If he'd let me know he was going out, no problem.
   
   Then when he gets home drunk he is so difficult. He cycles through all 3 of these behaviours and will keep it going for hours. Frankly, it's boring and annoying!
   
   
2. He's repetitive and demanding - wants to keep telling me the same anecdote over and over again. He also gets argumentative - not about anything serious but something silly - something in the news, or politics, or I don't know, daft stuff. He admits himself he just feels like having an argument. These days I just cut him off and refuse to talk about whatever it is.
   
   2)) He gets all smoochy and lovey dovey in a really demanding way - I'm trying to watch TV for example and he's all over me, wants to keep staring in my eyes declaring love. I love him too but this is every few minutes and it's sorta whiney in the way he does it (not like his usual affectionate self). It's just attention seeking. I humour it for a bit then start not wanting to play along, and then he gets really whiney 'you don't love me' blah blah.
   
   
3. the whiney phase. I don't love him. I'm never going to marry him. He's not good enough for me. I'm going to leave him. Blah bloody blah.
   
   then back to stage one all over again! all night.
   
   i love him and we are so happy together. He really is the man for me - other than all this stuff. It happens maybe 1 - 3 times a month. I don't think I can stand a lifetime of it. I suppose it's harmless enough, just so bloody irritating. Once he got nasty (verbally) and upset me and was mortified the next day and hasn't done that again. Once he did it 3 times in one week and I calmly told him I wasn't going to have a life with a pisshead, and he cut down a lot after that.
   
   But it still happens sometimes. Like tonight. I was home trying to study for something important and he's rolled in, keeps interrupting me, has told me the same story about someone 4 times so far, I kept trying to be nice and just say 'yes, you've told me, now please leave me to get on with this, love you' but he then went into big speech about 'oh you are annoyed with me now, I know I'm not what you want, you're going to leave me...blah blah'. I've just shut myself in the bedroom to study with the door shut now and left him to it, after giving him a kiss and telling him not to be silly, I love him, but please don't start all this tonight, I haven't got time.'
   
   How can I talk to him about all this? I don't want to control him, i don't want to issue any ultimatums, I don't really want to change him (sometimes he's gone out and then just come home and gone to bed and left me in peace, that was ok) but i really can't stand this behaviour. It's the whining that gets to me more than anything.

[minkBernardLundy]

What does he say when you ask him how he feels about his drinking/behaviour? Maybe framing that way- how do you feel? Do you enjoy this state of mind? Tbh it sounds like it makes him needy, insecure and depressed.

I also wonder if it would be worth surreptitiously recording him so he can see when sober what a Pratt he is being.

[kentishgirl]

Other than this he is great and I really feel I've finally met 'the one'. we are both middle aged and had previous relationships so I can't help thinking he should have grown out of all this by now!

[minkBernardLundy]

(oh and i mean ask him when he is sober)

[kentishgirl]

mink. He knows drink can make him a bit depressed sometimes. He had a vodka night and I found him huddled up on his bed crying, and telling me to leave him. I put it down to the 'vodka miseries' (I can get like that on vodka) and he's not touched it since after I explained what effect it can have. He'd not drunk it before (a beer or wine man, not spirits). I suppose filming him might be a good idea but I've only got a fairly basic phone camera.

[kentishgirl]

He says he enjoys getting drunk and he's not going to change/stop. He's always been a bit of a 'lad' in some ways. I don't get it - he's very intelligent and sensitive and thoughtfull the rest of the time.

[Helpyourself]

10 moths in?
Don't bother. Don't move in together.

[oranges]

don't marry him. don't have children with him.

[KatieScarlett2833]

You love this fool?
He sounds like a badly trained Labrador.

[KatieScarlett2833]

You love this fool?
He sounds like a badly trained Labrador, but way less cute

[KatieScarlett2833]

(Blardy twatphone)

[PoshPaula]

I've experienced this. You know that he's got to recognise his problem and he's the only person who can do anything about it.

If you're anticipating a future with him remember to factor in the possibility (some might say likelihood), that he won't change this behaviour.

[kentishgirl]

ha, we already live together. And we are not going to be having kids (both already got them, too old for any more, don't want any more anyway).

I know how it sounds but it's like a weird blip - he is so brilliant the rest of the time. We have a wonderful time together, whether it's just snuggling on sofa in front of TV or going out doing all kinds of stuff together. I do want this to work, and so does he. He doesn't get threatening or violent or anything, just irritating. It's almost like he's rebelling against me/something, or trying to sabotage 'us' out of, I don't know, insecurity?

[tribpot]

I think if you want to continue the relationship at all, you should move out and tell him that you'll just see him on the nights when he's not choosing to get drunk. It's up to him, but there's no reason why you should have to live with either his prolonged absences or his boring drunk behaviour. He can indulge in that if he wants - but you'd prefer just to see the more attractive side of him.

[Wishyouwould]

He sounds just like my STBXH. I knew he was like this as we lived together before we got married. More fool me. His drinking continued and the verbal abuse escalated and he would grope me and then turn nasty when I didn't want sex.

We had 2 DC and I wanted to leave the marriage but couldn't bear the thought of breaking our family up. He had too much to drink on a night out in Nov 2012 and totally humiliated me in front of friends. We separated in Dec 2012.

My only regret is that I didn't end it sooner.

[kentishgirl]

PoshPaula - yes, I can see that. I have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. It just seems so stupid to throw this away over something so ridiculous.

[KatieScarlett2833]

He knows his drunken behaviour pisses you off and he still does it. Why is that do you think?

[tribpot]

Why is it ridiculous? He doesn't sound mildly drunk when all this is happening.

[Bunbaker]

"I know how it sounds but it's like a weird blip - he is so brilliant the rest of the time"

That is what everyone who is having a relationship with a problem drinker says. Take your head out of the sand and stop being in denial. The drinking is part of who your partner is. If you can't accept it then end it.

It isn't ridiculous BTW. It would be a deal breaker for me.

[Rooners]

Oh dear, sorry but I think you know the answer. It isn't you, it's him. He is a twat.

[Rooners]

Plus I would soon lose any sexual attraction I had for him if he behaved like this. It is already eroding your view of him and your feelings towards him.

It's not going to improve so I would get out now before you waste any more of your valuable time on him.

[maras2]

Christ , this does not bode well for the future if he insists that he likes being drunk. Has he pissed the bed yet < or worse >? Don't marry him love or you'll be back within a year asking if you should divorce your pisshead husband. Drunks are so tedious aren't they.

[minkBernardLundy]

It May be that he has in securities that he can only let out in not very appropriate ways while he is drunk.

If so, he needs to work a way to talk about things when he is sober and sensible.

Otherwise his fears- that you will leave him- are likely to become reality

[kentishgirl]

I mean ridiculous in that it's a ridiculous way for a man in his 50s to behave! Not that I'm ridiculous in not liking in.

He knows it pisses me off and still does it because... I think he hates to think of being 'controlled'. I think that's a rather immature response.

sigh I thought we'd got it sorted. Last couple of times he just went to bed once he got in. that's fine by me. then tonight...ah well, he's currently fast asleep on sofa, lol!

He's always remorseful the next day but that doesn't help, I think that instead of doing it and being sorry, just don't do it in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. a lot of you are saying leave him, but this is not a serious red flag to me, just bloody irritating!

[Rooners]

He may well be sabotaging it because he is deep down very scared of being married/having a decent relationship.

So? One would think he'd have found a grown up way to handle this fear by now. Such as, I dunno, not getting married or having a relationship? He sounds pretty angry actually. He's making it seem all stupid and ditsy but beyond that he is trying to blame you for anything that is wrong.

You're being silly if you make a fuss

etc
the first thing he will do if you dump him for this is say 'But I loved you! How can you reject me?!' and then demand all his technology back, without returning the money he owes you.

He's an angry little boy and you're just his mum.