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To want to pack up and leave everything and everyone behind

(33 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 11:42:41

I hate where I live
I have no life here
I moved here on promises which were not kept.
Exh does not wish to see kids but uses his contact details to control me still. He doesn't contribute in anyway not even birthdays and Christmas. He uses his contact to tell me how depressed and suicidal he is, and pester me.

While he doesn't know where we live He knows where all my family live.

I can't cope like this anymore, its making me ill , dd is about to move to next stage of school and I realise once she's started i will be trapped here for seven years and it scares the shit out of me.

If i move he would never know, he doesn't have our address just knows town.
He's not likely to want contact he uses the possibility he may want to one day as control.
If i move away i wouldn't have to look over my shoulder or avoid places I case i bump into people he knows, I could have a life.

I find myself wishing away the kids years so i don't have to have any contact.

If i don't give my parents my address then they can't be pressured to give it.

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 21:24:51

Good luck life - I'll keep an eye out. Think of this thread as being the first step towards getting out from under the thumb smile.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 10-Feb-14 20:58:46

Hi all,

We'll shortly be moving this thread to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request. Thanks to everyone who has contributed so far.

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 19:45:35

Entirely understandable. Glad you've got in touch with WA. It often feels like these awful men are omnipotent...they aren't.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 19:33:21

Thanks have asked for it to be moved, contacted WA, wish I had reported it at the time, stupid but I needed to just get away.

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 19:21:11

Also, it may be worth asking MNHQ if you can get this moved to Relationships (although that's up to you) as there are a lot of experienced posters on there who have been there too and can help out.

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:15

In that case I would definitely speak to WA for advice and/or the police.

I can entirely understand why you be fearful of him when there is DV/EA involved, I have been there.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 19:12:23

He last saw dc in 2010, he asked to see them last year but made no arrangements to.

Yes without going into details history of DV , EA etc.

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 18:58:09

Well, he has your details now, doesn't he? When was the last time he saw his children, or made arrangements to see them?

There is your answer.

OTOH if you absolutely don't want to cut contact then direct the emails into a folder which you or a trusted third party only check occasionally. Respond only to emails which are about contact or arranging contact. You aren't required to read him going on about whatever he does.

If he contacts you and says he is suicidal and threatens to carry it out, and you know where he is, call the police/ambulance.

I'm wondering if there's something else going on for him to have such a hold over you, as there's nothing in the OP that suggests he's anything other than a whiney PITA. Obviously you don't need to answer me but if there is (such as DV) then maybe worth involving the police and/or speak to WA for advice.

Best of luck - you don't need to live your life feeling downtrodden by this when it could easily be resolved.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 18:04:56

Don't I flip? Ashe keeps saying he MAY want to see the kids soon surely i can't just block? Surely he has to have some method of contact?

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 16:58:11

Apologies if I've missed something here, but is there a reason why you can't simply block his emails and phone number?

That's not meant to sound blamey - I'm just wondering if you feel like you "have" to deal with his communications - because you absolutely don't.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 16:00:38

Would your dps go with you?

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 15:12:32

If the message has nothing to do with the children just ignore. What is he going to do? He isn't going to want the possibility of having to pay maintenance, so is unlikely to make too much fuss.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 14:21:08

Thanks all, he uses the contact details for the children.
Nothing for months then random messages about nothing to do with the dc.

Actually pisses me off, he hasn't seen them in years never rings them etc.

Will it ever get to a point i don't have to check messages weekly if he hasn't contacted us in months and not seen them in years or does it reach a point where i can say sorry i didn't check it as he hasn't been in contact or contributed in any way to their lifes.

Surely its abandonment angry

Will talk to womens aid

SlimJiminy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:46:34

No question about it - go for it!

Sounds like moving would be a good idea.

However, I don't understand how he is still keeping such a hold over you? You shouldn't be having to get any messages from him unless it was directly related to the children, and it sounds like this could well be classed as harassment.

I would suggest speaking to Womens' Aid, and/or asking about this on the Relationships board where I'm sure there will be people with relevant experience, as I'm sure there must be ways to get him more fully out of your life.

Good luck!

mumblechum1 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:21:22

As 3littlefrogs says, if he only contacts you by email and mobile you could be anywhere in the world and he'd be none the wiser.

As I mentioned upthread, don't move outside England & Wales if that is where you are now (or Scotland if you're there).

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:17:31

Yes - you can have a mail forwarding service for a year at a time - just ask the post office to arrange it. You have to update it every year though.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:16:09

One tip I have seen often on here is to buy a cheap PAYG phone, put your SIM into that, then get a new regular phone/number. Put the one with the number he has into a drawer and check it once a week.

You need to move, for you and your DC. You all deserve a peaceful life.

Pigsmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:15:37

Use a PO box for mail, redirecting post from where you a now to that. You could still visit your family? Not at your parents house maybe if he turns up there but somewhere else? You don't have to give them your address if you don't want to?

Do it before school change, Good luck, if he is contacting you via email then don't read them, leave them unread (don't delete) if he is is sending you texts can you afford a new mobile, keep that one in a drawer?

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 13:11:32

Yes email.and mobile
Exactly little, I don't want the kids to remember nothing but a stressed anxious mum sad

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:09:00

How does he usually contact you?
If it is email or via mobile there is no reason he should ever know you have moved.

Littleen Mon 10-Feb-14 13:08:29

Take your kids and leave, honestly. You will feel so much better for it, and a happy parent is what children needs to be happy also.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 13:07:13

Oh yes there's no contact order or any court order in place at all.

He doesn't care one jot, he uses his right to have contact details for the kids to attempt to maintain control still over me.

When he has a GF we have no contact at all.

NoodleOodle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:38

From what you've written, a move sounds worth it. You should feel free to walk around the area you live without having to look over your shoulder and feeling anxious. You can usually talk to a solicitor for an initial chat for free to find out where you stand legally, or contact the CAB, but I don't think there'll be any legal reason why you can't move as if there were something in place to stop you, you would already know about it wouldn't you?

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:09

Does anyone know where I would stand legally if I moved within Uk?
I.e he knows we live in town A now but not where, if it doesn't affect contact could I move to say Edinburgh (not there just an example) or if he found me out could he kick off legally.

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