Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To want to pack up and leave everything and everyone behind

(33 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 11:42:41

I hate where I live
I have no life here
I moved here on promises which were not kept.
Exh does not wish to see kids but uses his contact details to control me still. He doesn't contribute in anyway not even birthdays and Christmas. He uses his contact to tell me how depressed and suicidal he is, and pester me.

While he doesn't know where we live He knows where all my family live.

I can't cope like this anymore, its making me ill , dd is about to move to next stage of school and I realise once she's started i will be trapped here for seven years and it scares the shit out of me.

If i move he would never know, he doesn't have our address just knows town.
He's not likely to want contact he uses the possibility he may want to one day as control.
If i move away i wouldn't have to look over my shoulder or avoid places I case i bump into people he knows, I could have a life.

I find myself wishing away the kids years so i don't have to have any contact.

If i don't give my parents my address then they can't be pressured to give it.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 11:49:57

I even went through a stage of wondering about handing kids over just because then I could just go.

Awful

I wouldn't trust him to look after a flea , I love dc more than anything I could never do it.

But I can't live like this anymore, its no life.

piratecat Mon 10-Feb-14 11:53:40

if you want to do it do it before dd moves schools. wish i had.

mumblechum1 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:01:21

What's stopping you? Is your job the type you can do anywhere? If so, get your CV polished up and start applying elsewhere in the country. Once you have your work sorted, you can find a rental property whilst you sell your current house.

I've relocated umpteen times with dh's job and once you get the ball rolling things have a habit of falling into place :-). Just make sure you stay within the jurisdiction of the court, you can't move abroad without consent of the father.

SuitedandBooted Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:08

So he does not see the children, contributes nothing, and does not know where you currently live?
MOVE!!! And keep it quiet. Life is too short to spend it permanently stressed and anxious.
New Year, and new start, the rest of your life begins now.
thanks
xx

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 12:08:41

In rented so not an issue.
Am self employed so can just go in terms of that.

I would have to cut everyone off.
He might pester my parents and refuse to believe they don't know where we are.
My parents are elderly and ill kids are very close to them upland wouldn't see them hardly.

The fear of starting again.

I know where i would like to live, i know a suitable school which is undersubscribed which would meet kids needs ( undersubscribed as ruralish)

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 12:11:33

no suited, hasn't seen them in years, never paid anything, uses contact details to contact me about things unrelated to dc, particularly when he has no girlfriend.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:15:30

Honestly, in your shoes I would move now and sort out the rest later.
I am sure it would be possible to sort out your parents' phone to block him, and if he comes round tell them to call the police.
You can arrange meet ups and/or visits to your parents once you have moved.
Your DC need you to be happy and healthy.
You can use a PO box for mail.
Your parents' generation are comfortable with cards and letters, these can be posted from time to time well away from where you live.
It is no different than it would be if you lived abroad.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:09

Does anyone know where I would stand legally if I moved within Uk?
I.e he knows we live in town A now but not where, if it doesn't affect contact could I move to say Edinburgh (not there just an example) or if he found me out could he kick off legally.

NoodleOodle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:38

From what you've written, a move sounds worth it. You should feel free to walk around the area you live without having to look over your shoulder and feeling anxious. You can usually talk to a solicitor for an initial chat for free to find out where you stand legally, or contact the CAB, but I don't think there'll be any legal reason why you can't move as if there were something in place to stop you, you would already know about it wouldn't you?

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 13:07:13

Oh yes there's no contact order or any court order in place at all.

He doesn't care one jot, he uses his right to have contact details for the kids to attempt to maintain control still over me.

When he has a GF we have no contact at all.

Littleen Mon 10-Feb-14 13:08:29

Take your kids and leave, honestly. You will feel so much better for it, and a happy parent is what children needs to be happy also.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:09:00

How does he usually contact you?
If it is email or via mobile there is no reason he should ever know you have moved.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 13:11:32

Yes email.and mobile
Exactly little, I don't want the kids to remember nothing but a stressed anxious mum sad

Pigsmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:15:37

Use a PO box for mail, redirecting post from where you a now to that. You could still visit your family? Not at your parents house maybe if he turns up there but somewhere else? You don't have to give them your address if you don't want to?

Do it before school change, Good luck, if he is contacting you via email then don't read them, leave them unread (don't delete) if he is is sending you texts can you afford a new mobile, keep that one in a drawer?

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:16:09

One tip I have seen often on here is to buy a cheap PAYG phone, put your SIM into that, then get a new regular phone/number. Put the one with the number he has into a drawer and check it once a week.

You need to move, for you and your DC. You all deserve a peaceful life.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 13:17:31

Yes - you can have a mail forwarding service for a year at a time - just ask the post office to arrange it. You have to update it every year though.

mumblechum1 Mon 10-Feb-14 13:21:22

As 3littlefrogs says, if he only contacts you by email and mobile you could be anywhere in the world and he'd be none the wiser.

As I mentioned upthread, don't move outside England & Wales if that is where you are now (or Scotland if you're there).

Sounds like moving would be a good idea.

However, I don't understand how he is still keeping such a hold over you? You shouldn't be having to get any messages from him unless it was directly related to the children, and it sounds like this could well be classed as harassment.

I would suggest speaking to Womens' Aid, and/or asking about this on the Relationships board where I'm sure there will be people with relevant experience, as I'm sure there must be ways to get him more fully out of your life.

Good luck!

SlimJiminy Mon 10-Feb-14 13:46:34

No question about it - go for it!

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 14:21:08

Thanks all, he uses the contact details for the children.
Nothing for months then random messages about nothing to do with the dc.

Actually pisses me off, he hasn't seen them in years never rings them etc.

Will it ever get to a point i don't have to check messages weekly if he hasn't contacted us in months and not seen them in years or does it reach a point where i can say sorry i didn't check it as he hasn't been in contact or contributed in any way to their lifes.

Surely its abandonment angry

Will talk to womens aid

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Feb-14 15:12:32

If the message has nothing to do with the children just ignore. What is he going to do? He isn't going to want the possibility of having to pay maintenance, so is unlikely to make too much fuss.

maddening Mon 10-Feb-14 16:00:38

Would your dps go with you?

flippinada Mon 10-Feb-14 16:58:11

Apologies if I've missed something here, but is there a reason why you can't simply block his emails and phone number?

That's not meant to sound blamey - I'm just wondering if you feel like you "have" to deal with his communications - because you absolutely don't.

lifeforsale Mon 10-Feb-14 18:04:56

Don't I flip? Ashe keeps saying he MAY want to see the kids soon surely i can't just block? Surely he has to have some method of contact?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now