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Please help.

(290 Posts)
Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:03:56

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading sad

AtSea1979 Mon 10-Feb-14 07:56:28

Also here.
Need to leave my DP this week too but so far can't find the strength to do it.

dollius Mon 10-Feb-14 07:58:03

Listen up.

You are NOT a shit mum - the fact you have come on here asking for support shows you want to make things better for them.

You cannot do anything amiably with this man, so you should leave while he is gone.

Women's Aid will help you. If you can't tell them, print off this thread and show it to them. It says all they need to know.

If you decide to leave (and I pray you do), do NOT tell him you are going.

Please, love, find the strength from somewhere. You do not have to live like this and nor do your children.

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 08:03:01

Doesn't matter about his family they are irrelevant. The only thing of importance is you and your dcs safety. What other people think does not matter.

Gamerchick's comment was not helpful or a reflection on the abuse you are in the middle of. He has got you to this point, deliberately ground you down emotionally and beat you to the point you feel you can't leave. Not really your choice is it to be like this?

You can't parent properly in this scenario. But you'll be the best mum in the world for breaking the cycle and getting them out to experience a normal life.

I don't think there is anything amicable you can do with this man and based on your last horrific line I would pack bags and get out even faster. You must protect you and your dcs from this lunatic. Your lives are at risk.

Can you tell your midwife or gp? There is help and support out there, you don't have to do this on your own.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 08:03:56

Not pregnant now, and for the first time in the relationship I'm serious about not wanting another. I'm on the pill. He wants another one of course....

I'm hoping the dc will be ok. In summer, he threw my ipad against the wall. So I threw his into the garden. He was so mad that he grabbed me round the neck and squeezed tight but the kids were laughing so much at the "ipad in the garden" that they didn't notice. Other than that they dont really see violence.

Preciousbane Mon 10-Feb-14 08:05:53

It is NOT your fault that he has hit you, it never was and never will be.
I know exactly the place in your head your at because I have been there. I stayed with my abuser for seven years, he broke me totally. I grew up in an abusive household so had no idea what normal should have been which sounds exactly like what has happened to you.

Mine wasn't regularly violent, e.g every week, please don't minimise what he does, which your currently doing.

Ring women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ and get some help.
Two women a week are killed by their partners or ex partners. My ex kicked me in the head once, I minimised it by saying well he wasn't wearing shoes. That is how low I got.

Your dc will grow up thinking this is the norm and they will see something at some point. You don't want to risk them getting in to violent relationships or becoming perpetrators themselves because it seems normal.

Sounds like you need to relocate town completely. You need to get the police involved.

dollius Mon 10-Feb-14 08:06:25

Of course he wants you to have more babies - barefoot and pregnant and you are fully vulnerable and under his control.

This man is a full-scale abuser and as pp said, you will be the best mum in the world for getting away from him.

Like she said, you don't have to do this alone. Talk to your health visitor, or your GP. They will help you.

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 08:08:20

God don't tell him you are leaving. Forgot to say that.

Your children have witnessed the destruction of property. Items being chucked around. They also pick up far more than you realise. What you write about this man is frightening. Your children will know abuse is taking place, particularly your eldest.

If you don't stop it they will think this behaviour is normal and either become abusers or live with being abused.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 08:09:19

Your children do see the violence.... and the abuse.

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 08:11:21

I wouldn't risk an amicable split, I think you need some distance first, sort out access etc at a later date when you are safe x

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 08:15:29

Sorry yes meant health visitor not mw. I think they have some sort of code or way you can tactfully alert them to abuse in the home.

Do you mention the abuse in counselling? It is very common by the way to make an abuser out to be an angel to the rest of the world. My family were shocked and furious with me for leaving such a wonderful, balanced and stable man who I had made out to be my saviour over the years. I didn't mention the years of psychological abuse and manipulation. Didn't realise what it was until I read mumsnet.

Don't ever doubt that you are not the victim of a vicious, dangerous man. To live this way isn't normal. He doesn't love you or your children. He is an abuser. This is not how you show love.

Keep posting, keep writing to us, keep staying strong and making a plan to escape. Contact the agencies that can help you. There is another way.

Nojustalurker Mon 10-Feb-14 08:16:48

You need to take on step at a time.

Are you able to ring women's aid now? If not make that today's focus. It one thing you must do today.

Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnershipbetween Women's Aid and Refuge

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 08:17:37

First things first get up, wash your face and get dressed.
Then get on the phone.
I'm off on the school run but will be back later.

FanFuckingTastic Mon 10-Feb-14 08:22:23

I'm sorry honey, but this really isn't acceptable. You are so entrenched in the behaviour, that you are actually excusing it, but it isn't okay. He has just made it seem that way. It's been easier because you were used to it from your mum, and he has taken advantage of that. A person who loves you and cares for you would never, ever do this.

I would try to put together the important stuff, financial paperwork, passports, money etc. and contact Women's Aid. You need to get out of this abusive relationship, for both you and your children's welfare. Ask yourself if it was happening to your DC, would you be okay? I would imagine not, and it's the same for you. You are worth so much more than being treated this way.

Women's Aid can do so much to help, they do courses to help you recognize and understand domestic abuse and abusers, and to help with your self esteem and confidence.

I say this as someone who is in the process herself, going to a refuge, doing the courses and left the bastard. So much now I look back and see that he was doing awful things to me, but I'd been slowly brought down to a place where I thought I deserved it. I didn't and I left.

I hope you keep yourself safe and have a really good think about why you are in this relationship.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 10:07:42

I'm back.

I've phoned tax credits, the estate agents, shelter and the council. Fingers crossed, but so far so good. Tax credits would go up if he went, council would pay the rent, estate agents said I could stay here alone. They did say that we'll have to sign for this, so those posters saying do this behind his back etc - I just can't. Plus, I want to stay sweet with him so I've got some chance of getting maintenance for our DC.

Only person I haven't spoken to is him. Before he left he didn't kiss me/say love you as usual, but instead just said "see you in Friday". I think this was meant to be some kind of threat, as in "I will be walking back in to my nice house a d family on Friday so don't think otherwise".

But you know what? After he came home from his night out, I took the kids out, came back and be was in bed. He didn't get out of bed until they were asleep. He knew he wasn't going to see them for a week. It broke my heart that he'd rather stay in bed all day than have some precious time with them.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 10:10:06

So many typos sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Feb-14 10:13:16

"I want to stay sweet with him so I've got some chance of getting maintenance for our DC. "

Keeping him sweet has achieved nothing so far and you'll find that courts or the CSA will get maintenance out of him without any sweetness being applied whatsoever.

I'm glad you're taking steps to get out but I would urge you to keep yourself safe and to call Womens Aid for advice. A violent man (even if it's only occasionally) is a very dangerous thing when challenged.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 10:20:09

You're right. I'd rather not go to the csa... I did with my first child (different father) and while I can't slate the csa, my ex partner was brilliant at avoiding them. It took a long time to get money from him...

Though reading what I've just written, would a decent man cause hassle, or would he set up some kind of maintenance payment for his children?

I do plan on ringing womens aid once the DC are out of ear shot. Thank you.

You say a violent man is dangerous when challenged, but this is what I think. DP is generally a very laid back person. Doesn't let things bother him. Obviously he'd be pissed off if I told him to leave but I can imagine him being all "whatever, see ya later" which I'm terrified of. I'd actually prefer he put up a fight. I know that sounds bad.

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 10:21:02

Well done you for making those calls. Knowing what you are entitled to is the first step in taking back control.

My dear, I don't want to lessen any of the hard work you have done today as it is a fantastic forward leap, but you are in total denial about how dangerous he is. I suspect because of the abuse you suffered as a child you are numb to the abuse you are now experiencing as an adult.

You need to phone Women's Aid and the Police to make him stay away. Or you need to run very far. Do you honestly believe a man who has threatened to murder you, thrown you across the room at great risk to you and his unborn child, strangled you in full view of where DCs could see, ignores his own children and made threats on a regular basis is going to meekly leave out the front door just because you tell him it is over?

I am sorry this is coming across as a lecture as you have made so much progress today. I am just so shock by what I have read and just concerned that you are minimising to the degree that you and possibly DCs will get seriously hurt.

You will find another house - it's just 4 walls. You will find another life. A better one than you have right now, infinitely better, safe and free of violence. You are moving in the right direction.

CSA will sort out maintenance whether he wants to pay it or not so that is not a reason to stay sweet with him.

You will never be able to have a normal conversation with this man.

And do not worry about typos. Please typo away. But stay with us.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 10:23:55

Please don't be terrified of 'whatever see later' responses.
Just get your ass out of this awful environment. Protect your children from seeing/ feeling anymore of this.
Get some help for yourself.

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 10:27:00

Sorry X posted, very pleased you are going to call Women's Aid. Please don't hide any of this from them, you could just read what you've posted today.

My DH is laid back. He would rather cut off his own arm than lay a finger on me or threaten me in any way.

Laid back men as you think your partner is, in no way shape of form behave the way he does. He is NOT laid back. He has worked on you to get you to the state you are in now where you think it's normal to do what he does.

Decent men arrange payment and upkeep for their children. I am sure if your partner has no scruples about throwing you round the house he is not going to hand over money for the upkeep of dcs. Do you have full access to your money or does he control it in some way?

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 10:28:52

And scoop is so right, don't worry about the see you later responses. Let us hope that is what happens and he leaves without a backward glance.

You deserve so much better than this poor excuse for a man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Feb-14 10:32:24

"would a decent man cause hassle, or would he set up some kind of maintenance payment for his children?"

A decent man wouldn't be a violent bully. You're not with a decent man. He's not only going to cause hassle I think you're seriously underestimating his reaction to finding out he's losing his family.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 10:34:00

Living - ok he didn't say the murder thing in a sinister way. He'd just told me that his friend's girlfriend had cheated, and got pregnant with the other man's baby. I know the people in question so expressed my shock/disgust etc. and he just said really casually "I would actually murder you if you did anything like that, and do the time for it. Seriously." I said to him "if you're trying to scare me into not cheating on you, you don't need to. I'd NEVER do that." And he said "I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just letting you know".

I think he might be a dick about the tenancy though. If he doesn't sign, I won't be classed as a "single parent", will I? Even if he does actually move out (his parents will welcome him with open arms, all of their grown up DC will be back now!). Then I won't get any housing help etc will I?

I want to stay in this house and see how I cope. If I bump into him in the local shop and have a panic attack, I might reconsider. Honestly my anxiety is so bad even NOW if I bump into his brother I'm likely to get all anxious, it's ridiculous. I can't take a child out of school though, it's not fair sad (even though I changed primary schools at 8, and didnt give a crap hmm )

livingzuid Netherlands Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:19

love it doesn't matter how he said it. You know that men don't go around saying that to their partners normally don't you? It's a threat that he did not make lightly and then reinforced with the 'I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just letting you know'.

No advice on the tenancy etc and others more experienced will advise. Good luck with the call to WA.

We moved schools several times when I was little as dad worked all over the place. So long as they are in a school somewhere that's the main thing. Young kids are hugely adaptable, far more so than we give them credit for. Better for them to be safe.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 10:45:42

I haven't said anything to him yet btw.

Money wise - I've got my "own money", in the form of tax credits etc. like I said he's not controlling in any way (so I feel a fraud ringing womens aid tbh). Only thing is my tax credits went down when his wages went up, he promised to pay me the difference (I pay all food and some bills, don't just spend it on lunches and coffee of whatever) but he rarely does. This was how the argument started at the weekend. I asked what's going on with money and he got really annoyed and shouted and swore at me and stormed off. That's when I grabbed his back and walked off and he came back after me to push me down, strangle me etc

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