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Please help.

(290 Posts)
Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:03:56

I'm no saint, but I've put up with a lot from DP the past 4 years. In fact I'm now having counselling - not because of things he's done; I had issues before that - but all I talk about is him, and how I need to sort myself out for him.

I have hideously low self esteem and acute anxiety, I'm a shadow of my teenage self (not that long ago!). He was seriously immature when we met, but I made excuses for him over and over. He has changed loads now - the things he used to do are in the past. They still affect me deeply though, and he knows this, hence the counselling. Then this weekend we fell out, I went out in the car for an hour to get some space, and when I got back he went out. And didn't come home until the next day. With no contact.

I just can't forgive this, he did it purely to hurt me. The other times he's done shit like that he was stupid and thoughtless and got carried away with friends, but this time he clearly did it to punish me. I spent the night crying and self harming.

Oh and he's violent sometimes. That is my fault though, I can be very annoying and don't shut up and recently have started it first, i.e. I grabbed his back the other day. He has strangled me, thrown me across the room when heavily pregnant, slapped me in the face, grabbed my head and pushed me down, cut the bottom of my ear with my own earring by doing that, I think he punched me once but it was pitch black and he said it was a slap and his hand slipped. Fucking hurt though and I bled. Forced me into sex a lot but I think that's kind of ok because I never want it anymore iyswim?

He's lied and taken drugs behind my back a few items. Even when I was heavily pregnant. Drugs as in class a if anyone cares.

The crazy bit? I can live with the violence, I can cope with that. My own mother was a violent bitch so I've no hope really. It's rejection I can't take. So even though I need to leave him, I just don't know how I'll do it.

I mAnaged to leave my previous abusive boyfriend, but we lived in separate towns, had separate houses, didnt have children and I shamefully met someone else who distracted me from it all. Now I have none of those things on my side, we're all but married (wedding booked for this year!).

I'm meant to be ringing all the right people today eg womens aid, shelter. But, knowing me, it'll come to nothing. He'll come back from work on Friday night and I'll be too much of a wimp to do anything. And anyway I don't think womens aid will help because he's not actually abusive. He's not controlling or jealous in the slightest. He'd never put me down or try to stop me going somewhere (not that he has do, I rarely do!). But he doesn't fit in that category.

But I can't forgive him for the other night. Thanks for reading sad

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 07:11:43

I'm here, this is not you, very rarely would I say this but leave this bastard now! If you have till Friday you can do this. The man is abusive and will not improve.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:12:14

Oh loveyouthree sad I am so sad at your thread. There are many posters who will give you better advice but, having just looked at your last thread and now this, I just wanted to write and say please leave, leave the area, run fast with your dcs and start a new life somewhere else. Break this cycle of violence that your dcs are going to grow up with otherwise.

You DO deserve better than this. Living with violence is so not acceptable and your P and your mum should be locked away for a very long time.

Call the police NOW to report what happened yesterday I am shock, call Women's Aid, call then council to enquire about emergency housing, call shelter. You said he's away working this week, prime opportunity to escape.

thanks you can do this. You do NOT want to be with someone like this.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:15:51

HE IS ABUSIVE. Throwing a heavily pregnant woman across the room is ABUSE OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE. It is not normal behaviour and it's heartbreaking to see you think it is as that is all you know. I can't emphasise enough how badly you need to leave and discover a live without fear of violence.

Women's Aid will listen and they will understand.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:16:09

Life not live.

bragmatic Mon 10-Feb-14 07:16:17

You have a child, yes? How old?

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:22:40

Thank you. I think we're incompatible - couldn't be more different. But I just can't see him as abusive. I don't known why. If anything I am. I can be a control freak and sometimes when he's gone out I've rung him up and ruined his night by being so negative. But then he knows he can always shut me up with his hands I suppose.

I've always wanted to move away from here - it's a crappy little town I had to move to because my mum threw me out when pregnant with my first. But now I just don't have that energy anymore. even worse is that when i cut off my abusive parents they went to a solicitor ffs to get access to my children. I never "win" in life! People know how weak I am.

I know I've got this week but already I feel sick. I never do things behind his back and I feel so guilty. Plus it sounds trivial I know but the winter bill will be due soon won't it? The heating has been in constantly. It's in his name but if he moved out how the hell would I sort it? Fuck sad

We will help you BUT you have to be open to helping yourself as well.

"knowing me, it will come to nothing" is not a good place to start.
Please try "right, I can do this, plenty of others have".
Once you have that mindset, we will help you as much as we possibly can.

We can't help you if you refuse our help
we want to help you

JumpingJackSprat Mon 10-Feb-14 07:29:46

He is going to end up killing you if you don't leave. This is horrendous abuse and you don't have to take it. Please call women's aid. He hits you, throws you around, strangles you, rapes you. This is not normal. You're not responsible for any of this.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:30:59

They're 5,2 and 1.

Please can I just emphasise that he is not regularly violent. There could be nothing for months and then twice in a fortnight, nothing for a month then something small and so on.

I would be lost if he wasn't violent sometimes, it shows he cares to some degree. The worst thing for me is being ignored, I can't deal with it. And yes before I'm flamed I know this isn't right and this is one of the many reasons I asked for counselling.

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 07:32:29

Forget the fuel bill, first ring the children in sick, then phone women's aid, collect up any cash you can, bank accounts anything.

Logg1e Mon 10-Feb-14 07:32:52

You need to tell people so that this is irreversible, so that there's no going back to him.

Your understanding of what is ok and what isn't is totally misaligned, so you are describing things as "not that bad" which are actually dangerous and criminal.

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 07:34:20

If it's easier, tell yourself you are doing it because you can't stand being ignored, you will be able to sort it out in your head later.

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:34:53

The thing is, I'm seriously upset now but this doesn't compare to the thought of him with someone else. I'm scared of that happening. And this town is full of his family and friends so I'd never leave the house if we split up. I'm not confident like some of you.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:37:27

Oh my love. You need help, to get away and to get your own head sorted over what is acceptable behaviour and you and in a healthy place, but getting away is the first priority. It's not incompatible, none of this is your fault and it's not because you 'start' it. He's an abusive bustard and your little ones are witness to all of this. For them and for you please find the courage to get out for good.

It doesn't matter if he hits you once or hits you every day. He is abusive and it is not OK. It is not normal to live like this.

He does not love you. What you describe is not love. Violence towards you does not show you that he cares, quite the opposite.

You are strong. You cut off abusive parents before. This is the same thing. You can cut him off too.

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 07:37:46

You don't need confidence, leave the town, tell women's aid they will help,
The thought of him with someone else is far less horrific than that of him hitting you while you are holding the baby.

willthiseverend Mon 10-Feb-14 07:38:11

OP I suspect that people like him would never change
Go and ask for help
Your low self esteem is quite understandable in situation while dealing with abuser so you should be careful because he will try to use it over and over again

gamerchick Mon 10-Feb-14 07:38:55

Do it for your kids. I doubt that either of you give them a second thought while you conduct this dysfunctional relationship.

livingzuid Mon 10-Feb-14 07:42:40

Phone fail. Bastard. I rarely swear on mn but I will type that again. Bastard. He's a criminal as someone has said up thread. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. New life, new city. Full of opportunity. It can be done. You can do it.

It's not to do with confidence, everything to do with basic survival. There is only so long you can live like this. Or he will end up killing you or one of your dcs. He's lucky he hadn't forced a mc or early labour with his physical abuse of you sad

Logg1e Mon 10-Feb-14 07:45:20

Would you hit your children to show that you love them?

Wherediparkmybroom Mon 10-Feb-14 07:45:53

The last thing she needs is more guilt gamer.

dollius Mon 10-Feb-14 07:47:49

This man has beaten and raped you repeatedly. It doesn't matter how frequently it happens. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal? Like you have done because of your abusive parents?

You must tell your GP or health visitor what is going on, call Women's Aid and get out. You owe it to your kids honey.

dollius Mon 10-Feb-14 07:49:08

His beating you does NOT show he cares. It shows he is a violent bastard. And it is NOT ok for him to rape you just because you don't feel much up to sex. Who would with a violent thug for a husband?

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 07:54:02

Are you pregnant now?

Loveyouthree Mon 10-Feb-14 07:54:48

Ironically the dc are all sick so will be off school/nursery anyway. I am a shit mum gamer, I'll probably swing from upset to anger all week and end up shouting at the kids. No I wouldn't hit them to show love, that's a good point.

In bed sobbing, wondering if I should try to do this amicably with him. Oh I don't know, I can't do this, everyone will hate me. He's the baby of his family and I'm the crazy bitch who stole him and got pregnant.

He wouldn't kill me, he said he'd murder me and go to prison if I ever cheated on him - and I'd never cheat on him.

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