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DPs ex...

(11 Posts)
fifi669 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:18:40

I've posted about her before and how she tries to control contact DP has with their daughter unreasonably. He's pretty much resigned to the fact it'll end up in court pretty soon. He currently is only allowed to see his DD 2 hours a week.

Since they broke up almost 3 years ago she had played around with contact, conditions attached to contact etc. Sometimes she'll allow him nothing. It's been as much as 6 hours a week. As little as 45 minutes.

The killer is what she's telling her DD. DD has said things like why did you choose fifi and FD and not me? Fifi and DS smell, mummy told me. Daddy's girlfriend yuck, mummy told me etc.

We're expecting a child together now. DP told ex that we were expecting and he wanted to tell DD. Ex said the baby will be no relation to FD as far as she's concerned and she will make sure she knows so. For this reason DP has yet to tell DD. He's afraid she'll be getting conflicting info which is too much for her as she's only 3 3/4 herself.

Today she rang saying she's really upset as DD said to her daddy is having a baby he doesn't love me anymore. As I said DP hasn't told DD anything and didn't tell ex with her present.

Given her past comments to the DD I'm not convinced this even happened. Ex had said to DP that now he has his own child he can leave hers alone previously. If it was said maybe she overheard ex talking to a friend and repeated what was said?

Not really sure what advice to give DP. He hates the fact he has to jump through hoops to see DD. Hates the fact DD isn't allowed to meet me, DS or DPs family. His mum has literally seen DD 3 or 4 times in her life. Hates the fact he can't tell DD she's going to be a big sister or that she might not meet them for years (if ex eventually allows it). Most of all he hates the idea that DD lives with someone who will tell her such horrible things.

It does cause friction between us. I'm much more proactive on the subject. I think he's almost given up the fight and accepted he'll always be nothing but a bit part in DDs life.

If you were in my shoes what would you do? What would you recommend DP to do?

Custardo Sun 09-Feb-14 22:23:40

in your shoes i would be quietly supportive and nothing more

PortofinoRevisited Sun 09-Feb-14 22:29:06

Has he sorted access via court or face to face?

fifi669 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:43:50

It's still just between the two of them at the moment. She'll look like she's loosening up, he gets increased hours, was allowed to see me and DS. Then cuts it all for months. DP then has to start again from 1 hour when she restarts it. We had 2 months of seeing her I think? One of the times she cut contact was because DP saw his sister and she said she couldn't trust him as she specified only he could see DD.

Everytime she relaxes he relaxes a bit and thinks it'll all be ok this time..... It never is.

VelmaD Sun 09-Feb-14 22:44:50

In your shoes I would stay in the background, supporting your partner. Were you the ow? Is his ex doing this to ensure you dont have contact with the daughter? Could your partner try and build a relationship at least short term which has no involvement on your or your childrens part - not ideal, but even just a couple of hours a week just him and her, assuring his ex that she will not see you?

A friend of mind was on the exs side. She was left with a near one year old, who is now nearly four. She refused her contact with his new family at all - contact was at his mothers for two hours a weekend or so. This went well for a couple of years, and extended to afternoons and now there is talk of overnights. Not ideal, and I dont condone her behaviour, but to share there can be a positive outcome - she was previously adament her daughter would never ever see the other woman etc.

its hard as its your family, but imo you need to be right on the outskirts of this.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Sun 09-Feb-14 22:56:58

It's up to your partner and his ex to sort this out, you need to stay out of it. You can of course support him, but don't interfere in this. You mention advice. Has he directly asked for your advice or does he simply offload to you? There's a big difference.

fifi669 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:57:45

Nope I wasn't the OW. Me and DP were friends for years before. Got together a few months after they split. She doesn't believe that to be the case though.

In the 3 years they've been separated she allowed her to see me and DS for a couple of months last summer. So it had been him and DD. As I said even his own family aren't allowed to see DD, by that I mean brothers, sisters, his parents etc.

Am I the only one that thinks ex is wrong to control the situation like this?

fifi669 Sun 09-Feb-14 23:01:33

Since being pregnant he's tried to shield me, he worries about stress etc. But yes he has asked what he should do. Normally once everything he's bottled up comes out at once. It's horrible. He'll be in tears saying he feels like he's lost her and he doesn't know what to do.

VelmaD Mon 10-Feb-14 10:32:35

Fifi, what the ex wife is doing is most definitely wrong, using a child like this is never right.

However, it does seem a control issue on her part - as soon as you start to develop a relationship it sounds like the mother gets jealous and stops it.

So maybe keep things as just him and her for a lot longer. Not just a couple of months. Its not ideal, and its not easy, but it might be, short term at least, the only way for him to develop a longer relationship with his daughter. Yours, and your sons, relationship with her come way way down the list for the minute.

Just out of curiosity, is his ex wife single? A friend of mine had this happen - every time his ex was happily in a relationship he had regular contact, but as soon as her relationship faltered shed grab the child back and make things difficult again.

Its hard - im both a parent with children that have a stepmother (and we often clash, lots of tongue biting) and have just moved into step mother territory myself.

fifi669 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:58:29

It's been just him and her for the whole time. Literally the only time we've seen her was for 2 months of contact last summer. So 2 1/2 years of just the two of them!

Yes she's single.

My relationship with her DD isn't a priority for me. I find it sad that she doesn't get to see her grandparents, uncles, aunts because of her mum. Also DP has raised DS with me since he was 6 months old and is his dad. That would still be the case if we ever broke up. So it's sad that they don't see each other either. The fact we'll be having her brother or sister in a few months and she won't be allowed to meet them is the killer for me.

fifi669 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:59:57

I'm all for court. What judge would agree with her and say you can have her 2 hours a week and she's not allowed to meet her relatives? I can't see it happening at all.

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