'D'P has stolen all the DC's money

[thatwasprettylow]

Namechanged for this - I'd appreciate some advice, please. I'll try not to dripfeed but it's a long story so I'll have to annotate.

Basically, DP has a long history of being utterly hopeless with money. He seems totally incapable of spending money on things like bills, and squanders it on I know not what, to the extent that I've wondered if he's got a gambling addiction or something that I don't know about. This hasn't been helped by the fact that his work over the last few years has been really erratic. We've been really struggling money-wise for a few years now.

Last week I went to the bank to pay in some money that the children were given for Christmas and DS's January birthday and was told that DS's account had been closed. I assumed that the bank had just screwed up somehow, as the DC's accounts are Trust accounts and are supposed to require 3 signatures (DP's mine and my DMum's) for any withdrawals. The woman from the bank poked about a bit and said she'd ring me back, but didn't, so I asked my DMum to pop in when she was passing and see if they had sorted it.

A few days later, last Thursday, 'D'P 'confessed' to me that he somehow linked his account online to the DS's account and has, over a period of time, drained DS's account and spent all the money (about 10k). The bank had contacted him and warned him that we were inquiring about it. I told him to leave the house and called the bank, who confirmed that he has also drained DD's account.

I can't believe he's done this - I have no idea what to say to him or to the DCs, who are still quite little (6 and 2). Apart from that, I need to sort out logistics, as DP usually does the childcare while I'm at work.

He has sent me a text saying 'please can we resolve this?', as if a quick chat will sort it out. I don't want to see him - I just don't think there's anything he can say to excuse this.

[wildwesterly]

That's terrible, I wouldn't be able to forgive him for that.
I would be speaking to the bank though to find out how internet access was allowed if 3 signatures are required.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's pale, there's beyond the pale and there's looking at a rear view of the pale through the Hubble Space Telescope. Ten grand? What a scumbag.

I'm glad you told him to leave and hope you lock the door firmly behind him. I also hope you play merry hell with the bank for allowing access to the DCs' accounts without the requisite signatures.

[hippo123]

I'm speechless at what to say about your dh. I presume he was fully aware of what he was doing? The only thing I would be asking him is how he intends to pay every penny back. Other than that I don't think I would want to see his face again.
What about the bank though? If 3 signatures are required what went wrong? Is it possible that they have also fucked up and your able to claim it back somehow?

[Prettykitty111]

Honestly no I don't think there is anything he can say. He could try with "I'm sorry and I will work three jobs until i have paid back every penny" I still wouldn't be taking him back even if he did. If he is so hopeless with money you must be constantly exhausted with worry. Has he said what he has spent it on?

[BitsinTatters]

Holy crap

I couldn't and wouldn't forgive that.

I would contact the bank and the police

Is he sorry?

[MuttonCadet]

It's theft and the bank have also been remiss (although he could have forged the signatures).

No way could I forgive that.

[ravenlocks]

Wtf?! I would be livid OP but it doesn't sound right to be honest. How could he have done this if the security on the accounts needs 3 sigs? Fraud? And why on earth did the bank call him to tip him off that you had found out?

[lunar1]

That is unforgivable, the bank are responsible as well if they allowed him to do this without signatures.

[thatwasprettylow]

Yes I am definitely not finished speaking to the bank yet, although they are frantically trying to cover their arses at the moment and falling over themselves to provide records etc. I guess if we try to get the money out of them, they'll try to get it from DP, but he has no assets except a small piece of land in another country that he owns with his brother, so I doubt they will get anywhere.

I know he will not repay it voluntarily. He's stolen money off me in the past and never repaid despite promising to.

[wildwesterly]

Well, if the bank are at fault then I expect the funds would be repaid. How they get the funds back from your dh is not your concern really.

[IsaacHuntyChops]

Three signatures? I also think you need to be asking the bank where this has gone wrong. Surely he would be unable to link them online?

[VelmaD]

That actually made me gasp. I was expecting you to say fifty quid, couple of hundred out of piggy banks maybe. But 10k+??

Is he their father? Were you living together?

Im sorry, but for me that would be the end. Its not an unsubstantial amount and the trust for me would be gone for good.

Don't tell the kids, they're six and two, not teenagers.

But I would be changing every password and bank account you have right now. And actually getting a copy of your credit report (Experian etc) to check if he has taken extra credit in your name too. Has he remortgaged the house?

[waltermittymissus]

I'd report it to the police because you know you're never going to get it back anyway, don't you?

And I would hope that this would be the end of your relationship.

So, what do you have to lose?

[IsaacHuntyChops]

I would also be gunning for DP.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have to come down hard on the bank and force them to go after him for the cash, even though he doesn't have it. You say you've no idea where all his money goes and, if he's cunning enough to circumvent bank account rules, then I think it's likely he's into other dodgy stuff. Could he take out loans using your name, for example, or get mortgages against your property as security? Opening up a fraud case on him might bring things out into the open.

[waltermittymissus]

I'd also be reporting the bank to the financial regulator.

[VelmaD]

and he's stolen from you before? How much? Why? When? Did you fully trust him again?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

x-post with VelmaD

[KnockMeDown]

But what exactly has he spent the 10k on? And how much was in DD's account? What does he have to show for this?

[kitsmummy]

Oh my good god. Utterly unforgivable.

[tribpot]

You need to get a straight story from the bank. Have they been negligent in allowing withdrawals on the basis of one signatory? Had you misunderstood the terms and it was actually any one of the three signatories?

Then you go to the police.

Then you put up a firewall around your own finances. Whatever decision you make about the long term future of your relationship, your DP can in no way be trusted to have access to any shared funds. I also wouldn't want my credit score tied to him in any way. Do you have a shared mortgage?

Stealing from one's own children is truly despicable.

[MaryWestmacott]

i wouldn't tell the DCs about the money, they are too young to even know about the money, so they never really need to know they had it in the first place IYSWIM.

You gave him a second chance after he stole from you, and he repaid your faith in him by stealling from your DCs.

[wetaugust]

Why on earth are you even asking?

Police - now.

What a scumbag with a history of theft too.

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

no real advice except to say he would not be stepping a foot inside my home again. That goes a bit belong just being bad with money.