Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you think I should apologise for this?

(11 Posts)
lonelyredrobin Sun 09-Feb-14 16:26:11

Bit of a small scale dilemma compared to some of the issues on this board, but feeling a bit sensitive about it so not brave enough to go for AIBU!! Hope that's okay.

So, I have a fairly long standing friend & professional acquaintance (a few years). We see eachother every few months and in touch by email etc every week or two.

Last week there was a drinks party that we were both at. We hadn't seen eachother for a few months. My friend had emailed me in the day to ask if I was going and I confirmed I would, he responded "see you later". Completely normal.

Anyway, at the event, we saw eachother through the crowd a few times. I fully expected him to come over and speak to me when he was ready (he's kind of a centre of attention sort of person who everyone wants to speak to and so it seemed appropriate to wait for him). I had a nice time chatting to other people in the meantime.

After about an hour, I realised he hadn't come over so I thought I'd go and find him and say hi, as I was planning on leaving the event early, so wanted to say hi before I left. Anyway, he had gone, without saying hello (or goodbye!). I was really quite surprised and a bit annoyed.

Well, the annoyance built and I'm afraid the next day I fired off a stroppy email along the lines of "Nice of you to say hello last night!". He replied straight away saying "Well same goes for you!". It was a curt email exchange, no other chat, no sign offs, just that. I didn't reply because I thought his email was rude and a bit disingenuous really - he actually left without saying goodbye - if I was going to leave first and hadn't had a chance to speak to him I def would have gone to say "bye, sorry didn't get to speak etc".

And it's been left like that. Which feels a bit awkward. Also starting to doubt myself. At the end of the day it's his prerogative who he speaks to isn't it? So maybe I should have had no expectations / no right to be offended.

Now I'm wondering if I should apologise, but my gut instinct tells me that's wrong. Do you think I should?

You're both being over sensitive

He is likely miffed you saw him through the crowd and didn't go to be with him. He's not right btw, but you're both equally at fault if you did want to spend time with each other.

knowledgeispower Sun 09-Feb-14 16:31:16

I wouldn't apologise. Do you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship?

FlatFacedArmy Sun 09-Feb-14 16:32:40

So neither of you made an effort and you somehow think it's all his fault? You were both a bit wrong but your snippy email was totally out of order.

I would apologise for the stroppy email. Say "sorry if I came across a bit rude in my email, I didn't realise you would be leaving so soon before I got around to you and I'm disappointed we never got to have that chat/drink we were looking forward to together. Let's schedule a proper catch up for when we both have time!"

minkBernardLundy Sun 09-Feb-14 16:35:50

I would pretend it never happened. wait until you have a reasonable pretext to email him e.g. something of mutual interest comes up. and never mention it again.

lonelyredrobin Sun 09-Feb-14 16:36:20

Aah but I didn't want to spend time with him and did go to make the effort - only to find out he had left!

I would never have simply left without saying something to him.

So he chose not to speak to me I think (rather than me choosing not to speak to him, I did try). Which seems weird to me, particularly as he had emailed me in the day to see whether I was going.

lonelyredrobin Sun 09-Feb-14 16:37:53

Sorry that should have read "I did want to spend time with him..." not "I didn't..."

minkBernardLundy Sun 09-Feb-14 16:58:43

I think you are being a bit sensitive. he left. he May have been intending to speak to you, got sidetracked and realised he had to be elsewhere. or felt ill. or been tired.

You should probably just forget it.

But if you look at another way. If he avoided you then making a fuss will make it worse and if it was accidental making out he did it on purpose will make it worse.

so best leave it unless he brings it up.
Find an innocent reason to contact him and take it from there.

UptheChimney Sun 09-Feb-14 17:19:47

So he chose not to speak to me I think

Operative phrase there is "I think" -- you are attributing motives to him for which you have little evidence.

As you've told it, I'd be upset & miffed at the situation, but disappointed mostly. So YANBU to be a bit upset. Bit not to this extent! I wouldn't make it into the drama you have. Step back -- you need to think about whether you want the whole relationship to go Pfft because of one bit of bad timing?

Holdthepage Sun 09-Feb-14 17:58:21

Why should you apologise, tell him you were looking for him to have a chat but he had already left. You can't speak to someone who is no longer there.

Maybe he was put out that you didn't make a beeline for him as soon as you arrived.

lonelyredrobin Sun 09-Feb-14 18:16:58

Yep, you're probably right that I've blown it a bit out of proportion.

But, I can't help feeling a bit snubbed. I also find it rather weird that he went to the effort to find out if I was going to be there, only to leave without as much as a quick goodbye.

He did choose not to speak to me (whatever his reason for leaving was). That feels...odd. And disappointing of course.

I suppose I should just forget. Feels a bit horrible having not cleared the air though. Oh well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now