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Questions about on line dating.

(41 Posts)
oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 14:41:48

So I am single, have been basically forever, and am thinking about on line dating. Quite scared by the idea as I am shy! In a way I would rather be set up with a friend of a friend but my friends are either mainly friends with couples or tend to be a bit wild!

How do you write a good profile? I really am not very interesting so I have no clue where to start!

Do you tell people in real life what you are doing? I wonder if they would think it is a bit daft or pathetic but my friends are all in couples and it is tricky to meet people.

I am realising that I am not going to meet anyone if I carry on as I am doing but the idea of getting stood up is a scary one. Not sure if I have a thick enough skin!

I also feel a bit like I should fix certain things about myself first .... I have lost some weight but am still very much a work in progress.

Bashingabrickwall Sun 09-Feb-14 15:38:43

Give it a go. You've got nothing to lose. Just look at a few sites without paying subscription, find one you feel comfortable with. There are some weirdos on sites yes, but you get that in real life too! I know lots of people that have met this way, it's becoming more common. Chat for a week or so before meeting, don't give out your address, meet in a public place. As for your profile, list your interests, be lighthearted. Make sure you add a flattering fairly recent photo. Trust your instincts, if someone feels "wrong" they probably are not for you. Good luck!!

KateBG Sun 09-Feb-14 16:10:22

You have to try to do this. I am sure it sounds scary, but if you are rationally thinking during the process you will notice if someone feels wrong.
You have to be careful what you put in your profile. If you write simple things and you are just being positive, you will attract normal people. If you put a provocative picture and you write that you like parties and drinking you won't get attention from a man that is interested in a long term relationship.
Always meet with those men in public. Maybe if each of you brings a friend, you won't feel so uncomfortable.
Another trick is to go to a movie, to the theater or go ice-skating first and then to have a coffee, lunch or dinner. This way you will have what to talk about, what to laugh about and you will have experienced something new together. If you two just sit, ask and answer boring questions like what do you do for living and where did you get your degree, you are going to be bored after half an hour.
Don't wait to "fix certain things". There are no rules how to meet a good partner. He has to like you the way you are, not to like your dreams how you want to be.
In a few dates you will become more confident and the meetings will become more pleasant. If you don't like the boy don't stop communicating with him. He can become your friend. He can share his experience. He may even introduce you to his friends and you never know where you can meet your future boyfriend.
Good luck!

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 09-Feb-14 16:36:49

Tinder is a very light hearted easy intro to OD. Don't take it seriously but it is a gentle start. Initially you can just have a photo and then as you get more confident add a profile. You don't know who rejects you so it is a bit of fun.

makemineapinot Sun 09-Feb-14 16:37:35

Lurking as trying to write a positive profile too - can anyone help with a great 'headline' - can't think of anything! Sorry for the hijack!

minkBernardLundy Sun 09-Feb-14 16:51:03

If you do have a friend you could speak to about it, ask them to describe you in 3 words. make that the intro of your profile.
Keep it short.
Add a few things you like, even if it us just your favorite lazy Sunday thing or your favourite food. gives people something to hang a message on if they contact you.

Give some indication of the kind if person/relationship you are looking for e.g. Outdoorsy, film buff, extrovert, introvert, funny etc.

So basic structure I am...
I like/ have {been to Egypt}{fought a tiger}{met One Direction} {anything else vaguely unusual entertaining}/ take part in {drag racing}{hockey}{keep fit}
Would like to meet....

Then you can refine it once you get your sea legs.

Don't put 'anything you want to know just ask'. It isn't 20 questions.

You need to give people an opening even if it is just you like dogs and hate marzipan.
so they say 'hey me too' or 'where did you go to in Egypt?'

Enjoy it. Don't get too invested in people you have only chatted with a bit. view it as a strange hobby rather than your life's purpose.

Good luck!

oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 16:56:21

My friends all describe me in the same way! Sweet, shy, and lovely. Not exciting, fun, or bubbly! Oh or nice - I always get called nice. Would be the most boring profile ever!

Lostlou Sun 09-Feb-14 17:02:44

I think my profiles on FitnessSingles and Match.com are still available to view OP - I'll try and find them and send you a link.

Alternatively I might post the text here so you can all fall about laughing... blush

good advice above :-)

minkBernardLundy Sun 09-Feb-14 17:08:25

Lots of men would love to meet someone sweet shy and lovely. if that is what you are put that. Not everyone wants a bubbly extrovert. some men are extrovert enough for two and others are shy themselves and don't want some one who makes them feel like they are wrong to be shy.

So what do you want an outgoing man/woman?
Or some one more reserved?

Practical or brainy?

You will be some one's dream just the way you are. but if you make out you are something you are not then you will not meet the people who are looking for some one like you.

so describe yourself as you are and say what you are looking for (although in reality everyone reads that bit and goes mm 'charming, warm and caring' Yup that is me or 'outdoors, practical and responsible' totally even if the most they do is take the bins out once a week and you woukdn't leave them in charge of a kettle.

But the point is if you define what you want turn you will know when some one isn't it.

Lostlou Sun 09-Feb-14 17:15:18

OK here goes - I found my old profile (currently in relationship so not using it now)

This is a 'standard' profile on match.com - the first bit is the bio you write yourself and is pretty short, then the sections that follow are bits you fill in about yourself so they are a bit like 'prompts'.

I suppose you could use this as a bit of a guide but maybe too much info for a general 'chatty' intro rather than match.com, which seems to require inside leg measurement, shoe size etc etc (though you can just decline to answer some of the questions without any problems). I've not posted the whole lot as it's too long but this should give you an idea smile

Why don't you post something here and maybe we can give suggestions! My friends and my boss helped me write mine and post it whilst drinking wine and then spent ages laughing at the people who messaged me. It's great fun...


Small energetic female with bicycles (3) seeks like-minded man!

Hi!

I'm looking for fun, friendship and hopefully finally love from a like-minded man! Whether or not there is someone out there QUITE like me is up for debate. My friends would describe me as a bit of a nutter. Over the past few years, amongst 'normal' physical activities I have done a marathon, an Ironman, a 24hr TT and a 24hr MTB race solo!

I'd like to meet someone to share these activities with. If you like combining the above with good food and wine then so much the better!

Life's pleasures include being outside; smiling horses, dogs and people (yes horses and dogs do smile - please don't argue with me about this); that fuzzy feeling when you're just waking up and it's too nice and warm under the duvet - preferably with someone lovely; and fun with friends.

Life's irritations include rude arrogant people, especially when behind the wheel of a car (and particularly when I am riding my bike); the wrong amount of Nutella on wholemeal toast in the morning; toilet paper the wrong way round - it goes over the top, not underneath; and odd-coloured pegs on items of washing on the line (no I do not have OCD)!

More about me

What do you do for fun?

Most of my spare time is spent doing something active. My friends are all into triathlon, or running / cycling as individual sports. I do like a nice meal out, or trip to the cinema to chill out though!

Favourite local hot spots or travel destinations?

Favourite places: Vancouver, BC where I went to race a triathlon a few years back and then went MTB riding in Whistler. Also the Alps, accompanied by a bike (and hopefully good company)!

Favourite things?
Riding the bike (recognise a theme here?!), being with friends - either catching up over food & wine or out doing something active.
What is your favourite book?
I don't really have a favourite
Tell us more about your job
Commercial Property lawyer - not the cut and thrust of litigation and definitely not like you see on TV!!

oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 17:16:00

I don't know if I am too picky really! I want to meet someone kind, honest, sensible and maybe a bit old fashioned like me. Not fussed about looks but taller than me would be good but pretty much a given as I am 5'2. Older than me too would be nice.

I don't think I could pretend to be something I'm not - I tend to be very straightforward with no games or drama. Not really looking for someone super exciting!

makemineapinot Sun 09-Feb-14 17:49:44

Thanks for the tips!!

minkBernardLundy Sun 09-Feb-14 18:17:54

oldfashioned that is practical totally your draft profile written there.

lostlou shame you're. attached was just about to ask you outgrin good profile!

ALittleStranger Sun 09-Feb-14 18:24:33

I don't know if I am too picky really! I want to meet someone kind, honest, sensible and maybe a bit old fashioned like me. Not fussed about looks but taller than me would be good but pretty much a given as I am 5'2. Older than me too would be nice.

Err it worries me that you think this is "too picky." Kind and honest should be non-negotiable. Sensible and old-fashioned wouldn't float my boat but they're out there and it's hardly asking the world. Minger and over 5'2 sounds doable and OD dating will make you think that every man is an older man.

Yep, I think you're going to be fine. I would advise you to date widely and work out a bit more what you want from a partner.

velvetspoon Sun 09-Feb-14 18:34:05

Personally (and without wishing to rain on anyone's parade) I would give OD a wide berth - for every 1 success story there are many more people who found it at best hard work and at most emotionally draining and damaging to self-esteem. If there is ANY way of meeting men other than it (clubs, the gym, work, mutual friends, meetup groups, etc) I'd give that a go first.

Despite eventually meeting a man via OD who was far better and more suited to me than anyone I'd been involved with previously (whether met via OD or in 'normal' life), it was a pretty brutal experience prior to that, and in some ways I wish I'd never tried it.

Something about being online means people feel entitled to say things and behave in ways they never would in real life, and when it comes to OD that can end up being quite hurtful. If you're thick-skinned and have excellent self-esteem you'll be fine; if not, I would tread carefully.

Online dating is a shark-infested pool.

It's a great idea in theory - and there are a number of success stories from it. But by and large, most people's experiences are painful. As a femail, expect to be contacted by a number of creepy stalkery messges. If you're an older woman, there will be many younger men hoping you are a cougar. Many men use it as an easy way to get sex. A thick skin is an absolute must.

It CAN be fun, and it CAN lead to something more....but the journey is filled with potholes.

oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 18:52:11

I have tried meeting people through friends but they either only know married men or men who are only looking for super casual. My hobbies .... well they don't tend to attract men! Apparently sensible is a strange thing to look for in a man!

I looked on the POF site and wow the women on there are stunning! I am a bit of a mouse really! I just don't want to sell myself as something I'm not - I mean I am not one for adventure or wild parties. More of a quiet meal out / seaside walks / watching a good film kind of girl.

I am 28 so I don't think I will attract those looking for cougars somehow!

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 18:56:49

Lostlou - I wouldn't ask you out because I'm not gay and I don't have a bike. But - I'd read your profile and wish I did have a bike smile You sound fun!

I agree with those warning you to put your thick skin on. There are some idiots out there! And it's a whole other etiquette - where it's just not that unusual to talk to someone then disappear altogether. If you're shy, you may find all that a bit confusing.

I'd recommend you read the dating thread on here for a while! Lots of people on there OD. I lurked for a bit, and it gave me a really good idea of what was "normal" online. And it kind of shored me up for disappointment / disappearing acts - easier to not think it's you not being attractive / interesting when you read lovely intelligent funny women on here having the same!

If you have a good friend, try sharing everything with them - an additional filter for idiots!

But absolutely don't do it unless you're confident in what you want. If you're in a place where you'll put up with crap, you'll get crap in spades from OD players! So start from the right place.

My profile was a mix of what I liked and did, but a big part of it was me chatting about something I'd done that day - just moved house and spilled waterproof paint ALL over the road - welcome to the neighborhood! I figured, I need someone who'll find me dramatising my day when I get in funny. So I just chatted about it like I would to my mates.

Good luck!

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 19:02:37

See, already I'm interested in you! Not just walks - seaside walks. That's good stuff! I grew up by the sea, so I might message you about that. What do you like about being by the seaside? Are you an ice cream girl, a walk the dog in winter girl, a drift wood collector, a just like getting away from traffic girl, sand between your toes or searching rock pools?
Think of all the things you like, and expand on them, why you like them. Then distill your profile from that!
You have to be yourself online to get someone who matches - but it's liked you have be the concentrated version of yourself. Get in all in!
It's OK not to be a party girl. You mustn't apologise for anything you're not!

oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 19:07:51

smile I am a pretty shell collecting, candy floss eating, walking in the rain kind of girl!

Cabrinha Sun 09-Feb-14 19:14:36

That's lovely smile
You have to say enough about you for people to find the thing that matches them. From that extra info on you, I'm think - oooh, she's fun, happy to walk in the rain - not some prissy princess afraid to get her hair wet ;)
As well letting people see things about you to like, it gives them something to say if they want to mail... I could start a conversation with you now about candy floss!

oldfashionedgirl Sun 09-Feb-14 19:46:19

Definitely not a prissy princess! I just wonder if I sound a bit dull compared to what other people put on their profile.

The thing that panics me a little is the idea of people I know / work with seeing my profile and thinking it is pathetic or hilarious!

Will have to find a photograph too .....

Theoldhag Sun 09-Feb-14 21:34:43

Hi there, od can be a complete minefield, so these are tips I generally recommend to people....

Do not use your real name on your profile, always set up an email account and skype account in the 'profile' name. This allows you to block those people that you have contact with, ensures your identity is kept safe (I can honestly say that it is really very easy to find out a persons history, details and address from just a few bits of info). Your safety is paramount, never compromise this untill you are sure that the person you have started to date is cosher. With skype you can chat and not have to give your phone number out.

Always get the other persons real name and preferably their address or at least the town that they live in. Do your homework and look them up, you should be able to find out if they are married, single, etc, check the news etc incase they have had a conviction. Basically make sure they are who they say they are, this is basic internet dating hygiene.

Always meet in a public place, always let a friend know where you are and when you are back home, always have an escape plan!

Some of my friends have had scary and dangerous encounters, I now run checks for them and advise on safety.

I incidentally met my now fiancé on line, so not all bad smile

There is a online dating support thread here in relationships, the folk there are lovely and it would be well worth you touching base there.

Good luck!

Theoldhag Sun 09-Feb-14 21:37:24

Ps always google the persons online dating profile name, they may be on more than one site, handy to know if they are a 'player' or not!

oldfashionedgirl Mon 10-Feb-14 07:02:10

Will remember the googling tips! smile

Hadn't even thought of setting up a new email address either. I have been reading a little on the dating thread - interesting stuff!

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