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random person in my home

(84 Posts)
fivliv Sun 09-Feb-14 11:01:30

This will probably sound hugely trivial but I am feeling horrible. My eldest DSS (22) has just crept downstairs with some random girl and let her out after bringing her home after a night out. I have a DSS (16) who is very young and not at all street wise and a DD 10 who is just a wee girl. We have always had the rules that noone is brought home here due to the home being a family home with children. My DSS is a lovely lad and I adore him but am really pissed off with him. He tried to avoid me asking what was going on and then admitted it and apologised. (not very sincerely) and has gone back to bed. I am now waiting for the girls to start asking questions. DH is at work until late afternoon and I dont know what to say to them or to DSS once he is up and about. I feel yuk knowing we were sleeping and some random person was in the house. I know this is over the top but I have chronic pain and related anxiety issues and the home is my haven really. I am now wondering if because of this I am over reacting and being ridiculous or if I am reasonable to feel so "invaded" and disrespected? He had a long spell of coming home drunk and cooking then falling asleep and us regularly being woken to the smoke alarm going off as food being grilled started to incinerate. So as not to drip feed I also have a DSS (20) who no longer lives with us as he regularly broke house rules and woke us all up coming in, being aggressive etc.
I should add I am not being prudish about the fact he has a sex life, just that I feel the family home is not the place for ONS
Thanks for reading and please put me right if you think I am being silly

Morgause Sun 09-Feb-14 11:08:25

If he wants random one night stands then he needs to leave home.

His behaviour is rude and disrespectful and he needs to be told it will not happen again or he's out on his ear.

Quite different if he has a stable relationship with a young woman and has introduced her to the family. Then it would be fine, I'd say.

fivliv Sun 09-Feb-14 11:10:16

Thank you. You are right..we wouldn't mind at all if it was a regular girlfriend. I don't want my girls thinking ONS are the way to go

TheArticFunky Sun 09-Feb-14 11:12:08

I would be angry. He knew it wasn't right because he was acting sheepishly. Tell him that the three of you need to have words later. If he wants that level of independence he needs to leave home.

Bitofkipper Sun 09-Feb-14 11:12:44

I don't think you're being silly if it makes you uncomfortable. I think that one night stands are different to regular girlfriend/boyfriend and I would feel the same, it's a stranger.
He is old enough to leave home if he wants to live how he likes. Hope that your husband is on side.

fivliv Sun 09-Feb-14 11:17:04

DH will be onside. I just was unsure of how much my feelings were justified or if I was over reacting. I think because he is at work I am second guessing myself. Girls havent said a word but dont if it is because they missed it due to being engrossed in TV or if they are biding their time

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 09-Feb-14 11:36:59

There's a natural point at which home life and personal freedom part company and this is why god created 'the shared flat' smile I don't think you're overreacting. The choice is his whether to be part of the family and abide by a few simple rules or set up solo where he can set up his own rules. A rite of passage

rollonthesummer Sun 09-Feb-14 11:40:14

Your illness/pain does not even need to be mentioned here-you don't need to justify feeling like this. He's taking the piss-it's your house.

Beccadugs Sun 09-Feb-14 11:55:55

My four brothers still live at home (aged 22-25). My parents rule is no overnight guests unless they have said hello pre-night out!

Could you sit down with him, calmly and reiterate the house rules, with reasons. And maybe implement a three strikes policy?

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 12:01:46

Does he pay rent? If he does then....what can you say.

My mum always took alot of rent of me at that age and I wasnt even allowed a female friend home to see me. I got constantly MY home, MY this MY that. So one day I said to her: I'll stop your rent then if I'm not allowed to do anything in the house I'm paying to live in.

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 12:02:06

*off me

DowntonTrout Sun 09-Feb-14 12:09:02

My DS did this once or twice. I was very angry with him as we had 2 younger DDs in the house.

At 22yo your DSS should, and obviously does ( because he snuck her out) understand that this is not acceptable. Girlfriends, that you have met and agreed it is ok- yes. Random ONS - no.

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 09-Feb-14 12:11:31

You said yourself you have anxiety issues which are probably makingthe situation worse.

It may not have been a ons you dont know for sure.

I would have a chat with him and move on. Feeling yuk is a bit childish imo.

peggyundercrackers Sun 09-Feb-14 12:15:31

i dont think its a big deal, he is 22 not a child. i think it is part of growing up... your house was not invaded, he had someone back to his room.

nessus Sun 09-Feb-14 12:15:49

These things happen. Have a chat with DH and DSS later and figure out a way forward. No need to blow it all out of proportion or stress yourself out. We have all had judgement failure whilst growing up with no 'disrespect' intended.

DarlingGrace Sun 09-Feb-14 12:16:19

Shows a total lack of respect for you, your DH, his siblings and the girl IMHO.

Does he pay rent? If he does then....what can you say. My house, my rules exists for a very good reason. One person cannot flout the rules where there are another 4 people living just because. If he tabbed up a cigarette in the front room, would allow that round the younger siblings?
Of course you wouldnt. I have a mixed age of DCs and the eldest is not allowed to bring casual shags in. My younger children do not need nor want to see some old sort over the breakfast table.

So one day I said to her: I'll stop your rent then if I'm not allowed to do anything in the house I'm paying to live in. I do hope she showed you the front door and removed your key.

Far too little respect in this world by children for parents.

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 12:17:17

This poor girl too....she's defiled the safe haven family home when no one even knew she was there at the time.

with that sort of.attitude maybe he.wouldnt tell you if he had a gf.

peggyundercrackers Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:04

sorry hit post button too soon... was going to say he obviously didnt make a lot of noise as no one woke up when he came in and it sounds likehe was bing considerate. you dont know he DTD with the person he brought back either. relationships all start somewhere, i think yor being harsh.

JeanSeberg Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:04

Even if he's paying rent there are certain house rules he should abide by.

Is he working and earning decent-ish money?

DarlingGrace Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:12

* I feel the family home is not the place for ONS*

Thoroughly agree with you Op - who knows who or what she is.

fivliv Sun 09-Feb-14 12:20:01

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better now. No there is no rent. DH has suggested it but I wont do it. I want it to be the family home and so he should feel like he can be here without cost. It seems he just loses the respect when he has been drinking. He is a genuinely lovely lad and acceptsthat he shouldn't do things but then goes on a night out and that all goes out the window. I now cook for him and leave food at bottom of stairs to eat when he comes in. The ONS is a new thing..although he has said in the past that he has nearly brought someone home. I just hate that having solved the cooking problem I am now going to be on edge in case he brings someone home. Being a step parent is tricky because I often feel I watch what I am saying and am over thinking how it will make the kids feel, even when I know I would be same with my own DD. Have been SM for 12 years and dont want to fall at the final hurdle IYSWIM (especially as other DSS is now estranged from me)

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 12:23:27

Nope she didnt because she couldnt afford the house without me.living there. I was supporting her not the other way around.

I was mid twenties back from uni, working hard, paying her rent and bills.

I was not allowed a friend home, to touch the tv or watch anything I wanted, she got at me for using hot water to have a shower (once a day was apparently too frequent to shower), she did not allow me to.store anything outside of my room. All my books shoes clothes magazines had to be kept in.my room. I was allowed to store nothing in he lounge or.communal cupboards. Fuck that.

I asked why if im not allowed a friend home or to shower daily as it costs her hot water was I paying her £450 a month for the "priveligde" in 2004.

I gave her the fucking keys back moved out and let her scrabble around for rhe rent without my help.

JeanSeberg Sun 09-Feb-14 12:25:45

Sorry to hear that broken but this situation sounds different.

BoffinMum Sun 09-Feb-14 12:26:07

I think it's quite reasonable to ban random people coming to stay in a family home. At ours, if you want an overnight guest it is arranged ahead of time, the person is introduced to parents, and you ask if it is OK before inviting them. Whether someone pays rent or not has nothing to do with it. This is not a flat share of equals.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Sun 09-Feb-14 12:26:26

I understand your feelings on this but adults do have one night stands and it's not necessarily bad role modeling for younger kids!

People like sex, people have sex. I don't see why it's awful for children of 10 and 16 to know that consenting adults sometimes have sex outside of relationships.

I don't really understand why people are frothing about how outrageously disrepectful it is. You will alienate your teens and young adult children if you react like that!

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