Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does this sound ok re my mother?

(18 Posts)
MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 09:53:20

The last 3 times she has visited she has made me feel awful, it's like she sucks the life out of me.

I haven't spoken to her since she left which has been lovely.

When she visits again:

No constant texting all day long
She can't share my bed, I will share with one of the dcs and she can have their bed
No declarations of 'I need it' eg wine or chocolate. Last time she ate all ds1 chocolate and I was furious

There could be more, like engaging with the dcs instead of watching tv but I think that's unlikely to change.
I would quite happily never have her here again, sadly we go on holiday with her next week, but I will be asking her to refrain from the constant texting on that trip too

Jemma1111 Sun 09-Feb-14 10:00:45

Do you also visit your mum ?

I ask this because I get the impression that she can sense shes not really made to feel welcome in your home, maybe thats one reason she texts others whilst she's with you.

If you would quite happily never have her here again, how on earth have you ended up booked into a holiday with her? What on earth do either of you get out of seeing each other?

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 11:43:51

Yes I visit her sometimes. She's the same wherever she is, she asks me to cook when were at her house! Most of the time she hasn't got any food in as she hasn't had time!
She texts constantly to her boyfriend and best friend.

The holiday was a bit of a nightmare and got caught up inviting her.

Why on earth are you going on holiday with her at all; you seem very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to your toxic mother.

I think a visit to the Stately Homes thread for you is very much needed and in order.

Your children also get nothing positive from having any sort of relationship with her either do they?. You certainly do not, yet you keep going back for more. Why?. Are you still looking for her approval or even worse, still thinking that she will somehow change?.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 12:09:41

I guess I am hoping she will change but I know she never will.
She does have phases of being more normal and then I'm lured into a false sense of security then she's horrible again.

This Xmas she bought gifts for her boyfriend and even her neighbour but nothing for me hmm
I'm gonna send her a cheque for her birthday as she seems to find that acceptable!

The holiday is a treat for dds 18th, it cost a fortune so not going is not an option. Dd can't stand grandma either and wishes she wasn't going.

She definately has some narcissist tendencies

Do not send anything to your mother for her birthday!!.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist. These disordered types are really masters of, "come closer so I can hurt you again".

If your children also cannot stand her (and rightly so), why do you at all persist in having any sort of relationship with your mother?.

hamptoncourt Sun 09-Feb-14 13:38:18

You say the holiday is a "treat" for DD, then say she can't stand her and wishes she wasn't going. Which is it?

Life is too short to spend it cowtowing to people who make you miserable, and as for inflicting that on your own DC?????

Time to be a Big Girl and start saying no.

Get thee to the Stately Homes Thread!! Good luck.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 13:48:16

She just rung me and we had a massive row.
I told her exactly what annoys me, that I can't and won't put up with her behaviour any more.

She did her usual 'woe is me' routine.

We've agreed to be kind whilst we r away and that's all I ask

Your own boundaries re your mother have been set far too low; she trained you well didn't she?.

You only have one purpose in life as far as your mother is concerned and that is to serve her. By acting as compliant as you are doing you are only hurting your own self as well as that of your own family unit.

She will also not be kind at all to you whilst you are away and by being with her at all, you send your children mixed messages.

I would suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 15:59:34

I have looked at the website before, she ticks a lot of boxes.

I have told her I will not tolerate any similar behaviour on holiday, and that everything is done dds way as it's her holiday.
I've told her that she wheels her own case, doesn't play the 'oh but I'm 68 card', doesn't choose where she sits or eats or anything.

She was very narc on the phone, what can I do to be a better person? I love you all so much, I tell everyone how much I love you, you're so cold, I'm always here to help, lots of it was laughable

I would still not go on holiday with her; your narcissist mother will make it all about her again and you and your DD will be again let down by her.
Any boundaries you choose to set with be absolutely ignored by your mother.

I have to look at you though - why are you tolerating any of this at all?. You would not put up with any of this from a friend would you, your mother is no different really. She trained you well didn't she?.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 17:35:47

Please don't be mean hmm

Yes she probably did train me well, but I'm 38 and have put up with it for this long so I'm not going to be able to deal with it in one weekend
But I absolutely will not tolerate her shit on this break!

You're right, in counselling I wrote a letter to her stating that if she was a friend I would've ditched her years ago

I am sorry if you thought I was at all mean, I was trying to get you to think why you put up with this at all from her. I have narc relatives myself and only am in low contact with these people because they do my head in. You would not for instance tolerate any this from a friend, your mother is no different. She does not care about you, heck this woman if she is indeed a narcissist made the terrible choice not to love. She cannot at all empathise, she has no empathy.

If she kicks off and it will happen all too quickly when she does, you will be in no position to retaliate due to inbuilt conditioning. Your DD cannot abide her either; that in itself is a good reason not to go on holiday with her ever again.

There is no reasoning with someone like your mother and even dealing with someone this disordered is fraught with difficulties. All you can do is detach, ignore and disengage from her.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 09-Feb-14 17:55:14

We will never go on holiday with her again
We have two more holidays this year and she has made noises 'oh I'd like to go there'
I have ignored as I deffo don't want her to come with us and spoil it

Nanny0gg Sun 09-Feb-14 23:39:23

Why can't you stop her now? It is a special trip for your daughter, who doesn't want her to come.

MozzchopsThirty Mon 10-Feb-14 08:54:47

Well she's paid for herself and half dds ticket so I'm not in a position to tell her not to come

SwimmingClose Mon 10-Feb-14 19:14:38

I think MozzChops, its hard either way. Its your mother, so you do try and keep up some kind of relationship don't you? At least I did, for decades, before it all blew up.

Several times in the past I tried to bring in stronger boundaries e.g. no holidays, only converse about routine things etc, but I think when there's grandchildren involved, sometimes its easy for these to blur or slip again. I have always regretted those blurrings of boundaries, but acknowledge they are hard to keep, fiendishly hard to keep, unless you are really, really clear of all the issues. Because it goes against our nature as relational beings perhaps. Reading up on narcissism might help you.

However, I believe without extremely firm boundaries things can deteriorate beyond a point of return (my experience) ..... So I think you are right to think about and be CRYSTAL clear about what kind of rltnshp you want with your mother, if any.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now