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He's not interested in us, had enough

(97 Posts)
ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 08:34:54

I've just had enough of him detaching from the family.

Yesterday he watched football, then played online football so was upstairs for 3.5 hours while I watched ds (who is going through a very demanding stage and has dropped his nap).

I was getting really annoyed at ds as he kept climbing up on the sink, he could hear me getting annoyed but didn't offer help. I went upstairs and said can you please give me a hand, you're never interested in ds. He was sitting on his phone :/

Earlier in the morning he sat on his phone, I asked him to play with ds as he hasn't hardly seen him all week. Aren't fathers supposed to want to play with their dcs?!

It then escalated and he got really angry and aggressive at me for having a go at him for not being interested and locking himself away.
He shoved my arm to get past me, said he'd push me down the stairs if I didn't get out of his way (I said I wanted to talk), smashed my grandmothers plates in the sink sad told me he had to or it would've been my face instead. Called me lots of names including premenstrual bitch (cheers but I'm not).

Not once in 14 months has he said 'I'm going to take ds to the park/for a walk/etc today' I have to suggest it. I have ds full time and need just half an hour to myself on the weekend or feel like ill go mad.

I'm taking ds to my dads today for a nice day out and to get away from him.
I think he's depressed, he's very withdrawn and just wants to play games or watch football/play on phone. He's so emotionally unavailable but has been from a couple of years in. It's soul destroying.

Just needed to write it out really as I'm feeling very down.

TossedSaladsAndScrambledEggs Sun 09-Feb-14 08:38:50

He is abusive. My ex used to smash things and say he wished it was my face - eventually it was. I'm very sorry to say but his behaviour is only likely to get worse, not better. The fact that he has shown physical aggression to you is very worrying. He has no insight into his behaviour so he will not change. sad

Sorry you are in this situation. sad

Lweji Sun 09-Feb-14 08:39:56

He shoved my arm to get past me, said he'd push me down the stairs if I didn't get out of his way (I said I wanted to talk), smashed my grandmothers plates in the sink sad told me he had to or it would've been my face instead. Called me lots of names including premenstrual bitch (cheers but I'm not).

Forget depression.
You need to get out before he actually does those things.
And the threats alone are abusive behaviour.

Can you get out easily? If not, get legal help asap and contact WA, as well as the police non-emergency number.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 09-Feb-14 08:44:06

said he'd push me down the stairs if I didn't get out of his way (I said I wanted to talk), smashed my grandmothers plates in the sink sad told me he had to or it would've been my face instead.

shock

Tell your Dad what he said.

See how he reacts to knowing that's how your husband threatens you.

SanityClause Sun 09-Feb-14 08:44:30

Oh, love, you know what everyone's oing to say, don't you?

He wants to control you by fear, which is why he's making threats and breaking inanimate objects.

If he is depressed, he needs to get help for that. He needs to.

You can't make him be the involved father you would like him to be. He has to choose to do that for himself.

I really think you need to make plans to leave/get him to leave. Find out about your finances and so on.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother's plates. sad

Have a lovely ay with your dad, and talk to him about it. I'm sure he will want to help you.

flowers

mammadiggingdeep Sun 09-Feb-14 08:46:10

You can't carry on like that. Can you leave for a while? Ask him to leave for a while?

Good idea to get out today, try to get a break. Is there anybody who can help you out a but with ds seek g as you're not getting a break?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 09-Feb-14 08:46:57

Yes- tell your dad today. I know it's a big step but its so much better to tell somebody. They can help. X

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 08:47:27

He hasn't hurt me in 5 years apart from shove my arm. I don't think he would, honestly.

I think he totally overreacted, as usual. Rather than just discuss why I was upset

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 08:49:47

Thanks for the replies. My dad loves him, he knows he has anger issues. He has a lovely side to him that everyone else sees. My mum said she will call him today and have a strong word that I'm planning on moving out

SanityClause Sun 09-Feb-14 08:58:51

If you mother calls him, one of two things might happen.

He might improve... for a bit.

Or it might tip him over into real violence, because you have shamed him by telling someone else.

Please speak to WA, before she calls him. Their website is here.

fatfingers Sun 09-Feb-14 08:59:22

But (depressed or not) why does he think he is entitled to spend time by himself watching football, etc while you do all the childcare? He is clearly ranking himself as higher in the family pecking order than you and your ds. As the woman in the household, you aren't entitled to a break no matter how ill you feel but he, as the man, is entitled to as much rest time as he wants. He is then ensuring that he gets that by using threats and aggression. I understand you saying he hasn't hurt you in 5 years but actually, he is hurting you with his words and his actions all the time.

If he is depressed it is his responsibility to go to the GP or find a way to deal with that, it is not your duty to run your life around his moods and beg him to look after his own son. Having been in a marriage like that, I know that it is better to have no one around and to expect to have to do everything by yourself than it is to have a useless lump lying in bed while you do everything and he pleases himself.

fatfingers Sun 09-Feb-14 09:00:11

Why do you need your mum to ring him? Why don't you tell him yourself?

SanityClause Sun 09-Feb-14 09:00:45

Does your partner have anger issues with other people, or just with you? Would he threaten to push a big rugby playing type down the stairs, or only a woman smaller than him? Would he threaten to push your dad down the stairs, for example?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 09-Feb-14 09:02:19

Forget depression - that sounds like an excuse fir vile and dangerous behaviour

Please just move out

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:02:19

I have told him myself but she said he needs someone else to talk to him and he responds to her. He said he has no one to talk to apart from me.
His family are useless, his mum is mentally unwell and dad is awol

mammadiggingdeep Sun 09-Feb-14 09:04:18

He should respond to you...he's in a relationship with you not your mum!

maparole Sun 09-Feb-14 09:06:26

Stop minimalising this behaviour!

He has not got "depression" or "anger issues", he is just a nasty, violent piece of work who is terrorising you.

He hasn't hurt you in 5 years? So that excuses him generally being a complete arse, does it?

If you stay, he WILL get worse and he WILL ruin your life and your child's.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:07:07

He has hurt me emotionally, lots.

Breaking possessions (I note also he only broke YOUR things) is domestic violence.

This is not and has never been about depression or anger issues; he can and does likely control himself in the outside world and is probably very plausible to those in the outside world too. Your mother should certainly not tell him about any potential moving out plans on your part.

I would now make plans to separate legally from this man, he is abusive and is basically now dragging you and your children down with him. There is no future for you or your children if you were to stay within this, your children will end up growing up in a home where violence is bubbling constantly beneath the surface.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave; please call them on 0808 2000 247.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:09:08

Even when he's been like that, he won't come and be affectionate later on and try and apologise. He will just try and act normal but I'm still upset.

My mum used to tell me to not cause arguments and just try and get on and be a nice family but yesterday she said maybe it would be a good idea if we broke up as he's being horrid and unsupportive.
She had to beg my stepdad to show interest in my dbro too

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:11:37

Attila - during the week things are ok. He works, when he's done he does ds' bath and bedtime every night and helps out.

It's just whenever there's a fucking football match he automatically gets to opt out of family life. He then pissed off for an hour long bath after the argument and I was with ds from 6am until 5pm when I took myself upstairs

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and subconsciously you have gone on to marry someone exactly like your own stepdad i.e emotionally unavailable but this man you chose to marry is also violent to boot. Given his own chaotic background too it was a recipe for disaster from the beginning. Your mother never really set you a good example either on relationships did she?.

There is NO future for you if you were to stay within this. What do you want them to remember about their childhood, surely you do not want to show them such a dysfunctional and abusive model of a relationship for them to go onto emulate as adults. You and they deserve better. Your house will be a lot quieter and happier without him in it.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You have the choice to make a better life for you and your children.

Do call Womens Aid and subsequently get yourself onto their Freedom Programme. Men like this one you've been shackled too can and do take years to recover from and you will need such outside help.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:18:31

My stepdad was violent and sexually inappropriate to us. I actuality said I've found someone just like him to my sister yesterday. Fucking laughable, really.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Sun 09-Feb-14 09:19:40

Our tenancy runs out in a few months, I think ill find somewhere for me and ds then but it'll prob all blow over by then.
Just want ds to be happy sad

Lweji Sun 09-Feb-14 09:20:10

He hasn't hurt me in 5 years apart from shove my arm.

That means nothing, he may be escalating.

It took exH 10 years from an event before we were married to the actual obvious physical assault. It was mostly minor "playful" things, or "just" threats.

Get out now.

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