Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH is such a horrible nasty drunk(695 Posts)
DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.
Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.
I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.
Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.
It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.
Locking the doors isn't stupid advice.
Why should you put up with him stumbling in after his utterly shit behaviour?
Do you want to talk to him tonight or in the morning? Not going to make much sense is he?
Op I would say your relationship does have problems....great huge big ones staring you in the face.
You should not be putting up with this especially whilst pregnant.
So maybe when he eventually sobers up tmrw you may get an apology.
And then another ....and another....and another ....just awful
I'm a recovered alcoholic and it pains me when I read how people are in complete denial of their partner's addiction. He doesn't need to be drinking at 4am or shitting the bed in order to be classed as an alcoholic. Thirty pints is such a massive problem and very soon his body will come to depend on that level of alcohol. His behaviour towards you when drunk is appalling. If he's anything like me he won't do a thing about his problem until he starts to lose the things that are precious to him. As long as he gets to keep his job, his comforts, the respect of his family and the love of his wife he has no reason whatsoever to re-evaluate his drinking.
The biggest problem here is not your husband's denial of his drinking problem, it is yours. Please open your eyes to the fact that he's in serious trouble and nothing will change until you stop enabling his behaviour. I'm so sorry to write so bleakly but I know exactly how he is operating and where he - and you - are heading.
It's v stupid.yo you go sista advice,and of her dh named on deeds it's illegal
Can't lock him out of the house anyway (not because his name is on the deeds, it's not, we live with my Dad), but because if you have keys, you can get in. There is no way to lock him out.
I'm not in denial about his drinking anymore, promise. I know it isn't normal.
SM Yes, I was going to go back to work part time after baby was born. Finances are ok (mostly because we don't have big expenditure - see the 'living with my dad' bit). I'd manage without him, I just don't want to
Locking him out is daft advice,it's a symptom of a problem not a solution
So what do you want to do?will he moderate and change consumption?
If he won't then youve both got almighty problem
The problem is that you will always come second. Drink will always be more important than you.
I was married to a mean drunk for ten years, i certainly wouldn't have had babies with him.
SIL & BIL just dropped him home in a cab. I had asked them not to, and to take him home with them so I could have some space. He refused to go with them, stood in the street creating a scene. I made it very clear if he came in the house, I would leave. He didn't care. So I got in the cab and will stay at their house tonight.
Will deal with it all tomorrow. I just need to sleep now. Im tired and emotional. Thanks all.
You need to look after yourself and baby.talk to your mw next appointment
30 pints is not normal, not in a million years.
You say you live with your dad. What does he say about your OH's behaviour? Does he know?
What are you going to do when the baby is born, needing feeds every few hours, and your OH rolls in paralytic and abusive (let's call it what it is)? What if there's an emergency and you need his help or support but you can't rouse him without an earful of abuse or possibly worse?
Do you want your child growing up in this situation, really? And not to mention the cost - 30 pints - �100+ several times a month?
You can't change him. Only he can do that.
Morning op, how are you?
Don't start minimising it
Sadly you can predict the future with people who behave this way. Whether you want to call it alcohol abuse, alcoholism or an alcohol problem it's not something that is going to clear up by itself and, left untreated, it's only going to get worse. The episodes will get closer together, the nice version of him will become a distant memory and one day you'll wake up and wonder where your life went.
The only solution is for him to seek help and he won't do that unless he believes he has a problem and/or that there are consequences to doing nothing. Having been through something very similar you have my sympathy because it's a thankless (and in my case ultimately futile) task. Good luck
I'm surprised that people are ignoring the bit about him throwing a pint of water over her and hitting her with a pillow.
OP, I don't need texts every hour, I didn't ask for that. I just tried to be reasonable with him in a "look, your behaviour isn't normal, I won't put up with it, if you don't want me to leave, find a solution and fix it" sort of way, and his solution was that he would set reminders on his phone every hour to keep in touch. Fat lot of good it did anyway.
So you've got your answer, he's not going to fix it, he doesn't care if you leave.
Thankfully you have somewhere to live, you're in a better position than you might be. If you don't want to split with him, tell him you need to put your child first and that includes having somewhere safe to sleep so he has to move out.
"So sure he will change"
Of course he will change!
He will get worse. I would stake my savings on it.
The pressure of a baby, a wife who suddenly NEEDS rather than wants him, extra financial responsibility....
Oh yes. He'll change alright.
How very very sad.....alcohol and overgrown male children and the lads
30 pints?? 30 pints??!!
In what circles is 30 pints to be consodered normal?? I am a Scottish woman form a working class, drinking culture background...my father is a long term functioning alcoholic, and I think 30 pints is a shocking amount to consume!!
Abd apparently that's three times he has done this in the last month?
Oh my goodness OP....you don't realise it, but you have big problems afoot here. You are settling down with a nasty alcoholic who treats you like shit!
No amount of contact when he's out, is ever going to change what you've got on your hands here.
As for him being contrite the next say...well so fucking what? He doesn't mean it. It's just the magic formula of words he uses to get you to shut up about his abysmal behaviour.
If he did mean it, he'd be so dismayed at his own conduct he'd go to great pains to ensure that such a thing never occurred again.
But that's not what he does is it? He says the magic shut-you-up words, and carries gaily on with his 30 fucking pints.
Three times in the last month you say? Yeah...he's dead sorry.
This behaviour will only increase. You need to get real and protect yourself and your baby from this drunken arse.
i also picked up on the hitting OP with a pillow bit. As far as I know, DV often worsens during pregnancy.
The warning flags are all there, sweetie. You really do need to get out of this situation. I know how hard that will be, but I think everyone is pointing you in the right direction.
30 pints is about 25 pints above normal.
Pushing and shouting in your face is abusive - it is emotional abuse with the threat of physical abuse.
Pelting you with a pillow and pouring water over while you are curled up is physically abusive.
This will not improve while you are pregnant and certainly not with a newborn - it's a massive test of any relationship. You can't make him change, he has to want to. I think leaving is your only choice here.
Even meeting someone (his DF?) for a few drinks in a pub at 11am screams "alcohol problem" to me.
OP, he is a violent, nasty drunk and your relationship is going nowhere.
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
Your main responsibility now is to protect your unborn child.
You can only achieve that by leaving him, or making him leave.
You've fallen into the trap of thinking there is one type of alcoholic. This is not true. Some alcoholics can go weeks or months between drinks. If you prefer the term 'problem drinker' use that - because god knows this drinking is causing a problem.
You are living out the standard denial of someone in a relationship with an alcoholic - he/she is lovely when sober. He/she will change. Great. The only way for that person to be the lovely person is to be sober all the time. We cannot redefine our relationship with alcohol successfully.
It sounds like he is escalating, as others have said. You seriously cannot have this person around whilst you have a baby, let alone a child.
I'd suggest you have a look at Al Anon and maybe this book but please make no mistake: you cannot solve this problem. And he is choosing not to.
See what his apologies are like today. On the back of his apologising, he needs to leave while he sorts himself out
Recommend Al-Anon for you, starting immediately. It saved my life (though isn't for everyone)
Please don't minimise this, his behaviour was horrific
Read back your posts. You have stopped responding to him when drunk because he is aggressive and hits you.
What if it happens when you are holding the baby?
For your sake and the baby, get out now.
If you have a chance at all, he'd have to stop drinking and going out drinking altogether.
Men like this are not likely to get better when the baby comes. Only worse, because then you won't want to leave because of the child.
Or you are already living together, with joint tenancy, or you are financially dependent on him.
You should get out now. Really.
Is it actually possible to drink 30 pints? Is your dh built like a brick shithouse? I'm genuinely puzzled by this amount...it's shocking. Your partner's behaviour is shocking too.
My dh drinks way too much - about 6 pints of bitter three times a week or more sometimes - but he is not aggressive or abusive when drunk - it's still a big issue in our marriage!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.