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DH is such a horrible nasty drunk

(695 Posts)
AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 00:57:50

DH is wonderful when he's sober. And lovely charming and funny before about 10 pints. But he will go out and drink close to 30 pints (genuinely) and he's so awful - really aggressive and nasty.

Last few weeks it's been the same thing, goes out says he will be home by X o clock. That time comes and goes, I hear nothing. 20+ missed calls/texts and he eventually comes home smashed. The next day is always the same- so contrite, promising it won't happen again. It's happened three times now in a month. It's not the drinking I have a problem with as much as the lack of contact. He will literally ignore his phone all night and I worry. He's promised a billion times he'll stay in touch from now on.

I'm 5 months pregnant (DC1) and tonight was my first night out with the girls since I found out. Had a lovely night and left them all at midnight to get a cab home. As soon as the cab drove off, I realised I didn't have my keys. DH had been out since 7, and hadn't text me once (despite the hourly reminders he had set on his phone to make sure he did, after I'd explained how much it bothered me). Got hold of some friends who were with him, and he got a cab home. I was sitting on the doorstep shivering and he didn't even look at me. Just opened the door, turned round and got back in his cab.

Didn't ask if his pregnant wife was ok after half an hour in the freezing cold. Nothing. Looked at me like I was scum and left so he could go back drinking with his mates.

It doesn't bode well for him being a good/caring dad, does it? He really doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm in absolute pieces.

RhondaJean Brazil Sun 09-Feb-14 01:01:25

Oh dear.

Needing texted every hour is a bit much.

But this man is not going to get better only worse. My advice is to get out now.

30 pints btw is 60 units so u hope he's not near a car for two and half days after he stops drinking.

Dirtybadger Sun 09-Feb-14 01:02:39

It does not bode well, no...
Sorry.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 09-Feb-14 01:04:33

So you're married to an alcoholic. Why did you choose to have children with him?

Only1scoop Sun 09-Feb-14 01:05:40

The texting/call thing is all a bit much

However, that is awful behavior on his part. How degrading.

Think you need to have a serious chat with him hmm

AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 01:06:27

I don't need texts every hour, I didn't ask for that. I just tried to be reasonable with him in a "look, your behaviour isn't normal, I won't put up with it, if you don't want me to leave, find a solution and fix it" sort of way, and his solution was that he would set reminders on his phone every hour to keep in touch. Fat lot of good it did anyway.

If I could see the future, and knew my life would be like this forever, I'd leave him. But he's so lovely sober and I'm always so sure he will change. I just don't know where to go from here. Nothing I do/say will stop him drinking so much.

redbinneo Sun 09-Feb-14 01:06:32

He's an alcoholic. Get him to admit to it or leave him.
You sound if you tolerate him drinking 10 pints. That level of drinking is not normal and is way above anything most people would consider to be acceptable. How does he hold down a job?

TerribleMother Sun 09-Feb-14 01:06:36

No, he isn't going to change, and he's not going to be a good dad. He doesn't sound like he cares about you at all. I'm sorry you're going through this. Being drunk doesn't change your personality, only brings out the parts that you keep hidden when sober.

Leave him. And I don't say that lightly. Being alone is better than being with someone who treats you like that.

When you say aggressive, has he ever been physical?

And Rhonda is right, he can't drive for at least two days after drinking that amount.

I'm sorry you're so upset. You deserve better.

Custardo Sun 09-Feb-14 01:06:46

you can't reason with a drunk - and trying to do so is futile and creates drama that only ends badly.

not sure why you are phoning and texting him every two minutes - have to be honest, if dh did this to me when i was out with the girls, i wouldn't answer it either, comes across as clingy and naggy.

so how often does he drink and how nasty does he get?

Only1scoop Sun 09-Feb-14 01:07:59

Just read the 30 pints ....in the entire weekend or 1 night? shock

Destinysdaughter Sun 09-Feb-14 01:08:26

30 pints is a serious alcohol problem. He needs professional help but unless he admits he has a problem it won't happen. You really need to focus on you and your needs. You won't be able to change him. Get as much support around you as you can and think about joining Al Anon, they can be very helpful in these situations. I urge you to take very seriously the situation you are in with this man. He is an addict, not in control of what he is doing and you need to prioritise you and your baby.

Loggins Sun 09-Feb-14 01:09:20

I think you know what you need to do. No way on this planet is he going to suddenly change when your baby is born.
I'm sorry.
I'd lock him out for the time being.

AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 01:09:34

Wibbly It's not that black and white. I don't think of him as an alcoholic, although I know many would disagree. He can go ages without drinking a drop. If he is with me or my family, he can drink a regular amount and be wonderful. It's just when he's out with 'the lads' it's like he has no self control whatsoever. I always thought it was an age thing he would grow out of. Then I thought he'd grow out of it when we had kids. But for the first time, it's hit me he might never grow out of it.

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 09-Feb-14 01:11:34

How long have you felt he was selfish,and what do you want to happen
Given you've got difficulties in relationship,why get pg?are you hoping he calm down
3times a month,is majority of that month.inebriated.with you feeling v cross

RM0104 Sun 09-Feb-14 01:11:48

your future will be exactly like this? he can leave his pregnant wife on the doorstep, and go back to his drinking buddies, he has shown you clearly what his priorities are. and it most certainly doesn't look like fatherhood is a priority

Destinysdaughter Sun 09-Feb-14 01:12:11

Can I ask how old both of you are?

CoffeeTea103 Sun 09-Feb-14 01:13:01

You knew about his behaviour but chose to have a child with him. 3 times in one month is a problem.
You sound very naive to this problem which you're excusing as lads night out. This is not normal behaviour.

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 09-Feb-14 01:13:09

Let's be clear don't lock him out.thats stupid advice.really stupid
Presumably his name is also on deeds,so no you can't lock him out his own home

Custardo Sun 09-Feb-14 01:13:37

so how often does he drink and how nasty does he get?

AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 01:13:57

His level of drinking is seen normal in his family/friends/ work. I guess so many people thinking it's normal makes me think I'm being weird about it.

And I really don't ring every two minutes- honest! He went out at 11am the other Saturday to meet his dad in the pub for a few drinks. He said he would be home by 2pm. I didn't hear from him until he stumbled in at 2am. 12 hours without getting in touch once worried me. If he'd have said he would be in by 2am, I wouldn't have worried!

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 09-Feb-14 01:17:28

In time you've dated is this his pattern?excessive consumption.inebriation?
Did you hope being dad he'd calm down.be more responsible
Will you work after the baby?have you arranged childcare

AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 01:21:29

On my phone so sorry if I'm missing things. Were both late 20s/early 30s.

I reckon he used to get this drunk 3/4 times a year tops. He's definitely got worse since Christmas.

We don't argue about anything else ever. We get on so well, we are such a team, I wouldn't say our relationship has any problems at all. Yes, I thought becoming a father would calm him down. You have no idea how desperately he has wanted to be a dad, and for how long.

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 09-Feb-14 01:24:38

But you're on mn posting whilst he's out getting bladdered.thats a problem
You think he drink too much.thats a problem.he appear to be in denial.thats problem
Your relationship has problems,big problem.alcohol.surprised you think it's all great

AhoyMcCoy Sun 09-Feb-14 01:26:01

Re: how nasty he gets. It's tough to say. I used to drink a lot more too, and a few years back we would "clash" big time when drunk, so he was much more aggressive. Never hit me, ever, but lots of name calling/yelling in my face/ pushing etc.

About 8 months ago I had a night out and went back to a male friends house with a group of friends. DH reckons this male friend has a thing for me and went ballistic at me. I was curled up in bed while he hit me with a pillow repeatedly, threw a pint of water over me, and pushed me into the floor. That's pretty much the worst it's even been, and I'm not excusing him, but I had been drinking too and I know I'm much more "and what?! I don't care!" when I'm drunk, whereas if I'm not drinking, there is very little aggression because I sleep in the spare room and it never has a chance to escalate.

scottishmummy Argentina Sun 09-Feb-14 01:30:47

Are you returning to work after baby,or will he be the sole earner
How are his finances if he drinks like that?

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