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I'm back, it's worse, I need MN. Please.(28 Posts)
I posted exactly a year ago - hadn't realised that fact until I just reread last years post. Which is here (hopefully, I'm on my iPad) [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1680534-Is-he-depressed-jekyll-and-hyde-or-just-an-arse]
I'm ashamed I did nothing, it got better for a time. It's now getting worse and worse. Nothing's changed, it's worse, I hate my life, I can't take any more. Tonight has been the last straw. The ONS is the cause of all our issues apparently. As I said on my original post, I am absolutely not proud of that behaviour, but it was 21 years ago. The name calling tonight towards me and my parents has been horrendous. I've been in bed since 815 just to get away from him. He keeps coming up and shouting at me. DCs are in their bedrooms close by. When he goes back downstairs he
I need to get out, I just know it's going to be so difficult. Tried to sell the house last year for a new start (oh the irony) but unfortunately we are blighted by the governments desire for a high speed railway.
I also have had health issues this year, and am under hospital referral at present. I'm fit to work, but limited in some things I'm able to do. This isn't helping my thinking at the moment. I'm scared.
I know I will be told you told me so, but I really would genuinely welcome some support right now. I'm just feeling broken.
Oh Sweetheart. I'm sure someone more helpful than me will be along very soon.
In the meantime, here's a hand to hold.
I've been where you are now. Hiding in the bedroom to get away from abuse and a leaden atmosphere.
It will change. If you decide to change it x
What else is he doing? Call the police if you feel threatened, and have him removed
No 'I told you so' from me, it takes a few goes for most women to actually get out and be free
We're here, what do you need to help you to do what you have to do?
I've also been of the hiding in the bedroom variety...I am also foreign and had no support here. But I left and you can, too. holds hand
That was supposed to be in <>!
No I told you so's here either. But I don't think you're going to get out of this dreadful situation without asking for outside emergency help. Waiting for house sales to go through etc could eat up more years of your life with you sinking deeper and becoming more frightened at the same time. So I'd suggest you contact Womens Aid, explain the problem and see what they suggest. If you get yourself and your DCs safe and away first, I think you'll find the physical and mental strength to leave.... if that makes sense. Good luck.
The Jekyll and Hyde thing is happening again. He's come up and apologised and said we will work it out and let's talk tomorrow when we haven't had a drink. I've had one small glass of wine, he went to the pub at 4, came home at 8, and has opened wine.
I just want to be on my own. Obviously with DCs too. I look at houses I can afford for myself on the Internet. I look at new sofas, bedding etc. I am mentally planning my own life. But I just can't see an escape. He will be a nightmare. The house won't sell, the Hs2 compensation scheme is a nightmare unless you are practically on top of the line.
I just feel so low and drained.
I used to plan, too. Could you go to parents' house?
You could escape to a refuge. The house will sell in its own time but, in the intervening year (?), two years (?), three years (?) you and the DCs could be setting up somewhere fresh, getting housing benefit, maintenance from your STBX rather than hiding in a bedroom thinking you've got no choices. Worth a shot?
I can't leave the kids, mum and dad are an hour away,so it's difficult for school. Their health isn't great, and tbh I can't face 20 questions.
That sounds like excuses, it's not.
I going to try and sleep, but will back in the morning. My illness makes me very tired, so hopefully I will drop off quite quickly. I feel exhausted.
Thank you for listening.
Sorry cogito, cross post.
I don't feel I need a refuge, I would feel like that's for people with far more need than me. I can't afford to set up without selling, but I do earn good money (I'm a higher rate tax payer) and wouldn't get any benefits. I also earn more than H. I just want him to recognise it's done, and not to argue about it, just make it the best we can for the DCs.
You need to get in touch with WA and work out a plan, even if the children have to move school.
OP, are your children in earshot of the shouting and the abuse?
I just feel like if they move schools I'm ripping their lives apart. Both only changed schools in sept (as part of the natural progression through schools).
CB - yes, they must hear a lot. They spend a lot of times in their bedrooms when H is at home. My DS stutters if h shouts and raises his voice. I'm acutely aware of what it's doing, and that then in turn makes me feel like a bad mum.
God, I sound like an excuse machine, I'm not really, and I am listening.
I just want this to be an easy transition and I just don't think that will happen. He is so angry and vindictive and will make life hell just to be difficult, I'm sure.
From what you describe he isn't going to recognise anything he doesn't want to recognise and he isn't interested in doing his best for the DCs. If you don't like the sound of the refuge stepping stone out, another course of action is to contact the police and have him removed.
If it's doing that to your DS, it's time for Women's Aid, or the police Scooby. Even it is an awful transition in the future, it sounds like a living hell now. What's the point in letting this continue? Please get him out tonight. It sounds like you know it's over, so act quickly, get rid of the misery.
Haven't you given the easy transition thing your best shot already, OP?
Please get advice and support. Get your armour ready for a bit of a battle - on behalf of you and your DC. You'll be great.
I just read your op in your link. It sounds like a nightmare
Do you have your own savings account? Are you not able to find a place to rent temporarily while you seek advise about divorce/ selling home etc?
Morning.....actually managed some sleep, although had an awful nightmare about being chased in a car and hiding in gardens to escape. I never have nightmares. I woke up sweating and breathless and had to breathe deeply to calm down.
I have been online looking for a local solicitor to have a free half hour with. It also appears that the hs2 compensation scheme deems separation as a valid reason for qualification, the only thing is the house needs to be not the market for 3 months. It was on last year for 8 months but not sure if because it came off I have to start again, so will check.
I have no savings, all money is in the house. If sold for market value I should come away after fees with c £80k as my share. So a good deposit, after paying off some minor debts.
I'm feeling a bit more resilient today. Even baby steps would be good at the moment. I need to get there.
Thank you all for listening, and your wise words. I may not be able to post much today as taking dd to a party.
Scooby, it seems clear to me that you need to not be living in the same house as this nasty man anymore. Everything else will follow on from that.
Obviously you and the children could leave and that may be the best option, but let's also look at options where he leaves.
See a solicitor asap to check both the HSC compensation and your options. Make sure you tell them how scared your DS is of your H and incidents of violence/abuse to all of you. Ask if you can get him out under a restraining order. If you need to get the house on the market then do it now. You don't have to sell and may choose another route but at least you will be keeping that option open.
I'd suggest you should also talk to WA to get advice from them too. Keep trying to get through. Knowledge is power. Know all your options and rehearse them in your mind.
Now is the time to hide all the financial stuff, including any details of his finances, passports etc. out of the house ideally with a good friend. I've done this for friends before who have given me a locked briefcase and asked me to keep it for them whilst they were separating.
More housing options to consider: could you rent the house out and each of you and H rent somewhere yourselves? I know you will lose out because you will be taxed on the rental income but if it would give you a few months of space then it's probably worth it.
Alternatively, and this is a real left field option, would your H agree to go if you took in a lodger instead and paid him some of the money the lodger pays you?
Personally, I would not let the change of schools thing drive what you do. What school your children are at is the least of their problems. If you can create a safe, stable homelife for them that is what I think they (and you) need most now. They have no way to get out of this horrible situation, but you can do it for them.
I'm so sorry you are having such a miserable time. You are doing very well to hold your working life together in the face of this bullying, abusive relationship. How much nicer would yours and your DC's home life be without him. You know he's not going to change don't you?
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Your husband will be an arse and will make things difficult, that's a given. It will be difficult; financially, emotionally and physically but you need to at least enter the tunnel to ever get the opportunity to see the light at the end of it.
TBH for the dc sake and your own even if you end up selling and getting far less for the house it will be worth it.
It is so hard to leave but you owe it to your dc to not be living in that atmosphere.
Can you buy him out?
Perhaps just serve the divorce papers and take it from there? Something drastic has to change.
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