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Why does DP have such an attitude with me all the time??

(80 Posts)
hateweekends Sat 08-Feb-14 19:46:07

So fed up. Just lately everytime I speak DP either laughs at me or takes the piss with some stupid comment. I can take a joke as much as the next person but it's getting to the point where I just don't want to speak through fear of ridicule. One example was the other night, Reeves and Mortimer comedy was on - I noticed one of them was mouthing the words as the other one spoke - I said to DP "hey if you look, you can see him mouthing the lines!" DP raised an eyebrow and said "I wouldn't know, I'm busy actually ... you know ... watching the program." Why the sarcasm? before he would have started looking for it and either agreed or disagreed but now it's just a load of sarcasm I get like I'm stupid or irritating.

We've recently become engaged and are planning to marry next July. We've chosen a venue and due to it being a busy time of year we'll need to lay a deposit on soon. So earlier I said to DP "I was thinking, after we pay the deposit for the wedding, do you think we should carry on paying the balance to them directly or just save the money up in the bank and pay it all off together next year?" he burst out laughing confused he said "obviously" we'd save the money in bank and in future can I think about what I want to say and think if it's actually worth asking him about and if it's something stupid, just keep it to myself!!! shock

Then - tonight his teenage kids are here - Now I'm used to him being a little off with me when the kids are here but tonight he's really upset me. Firstly he leaves me sat alone in the dining room eating my dinner whilst he goes off to watch TV and eat with his son (even though we supposedly have a rule about food in the living room) and then tonight I asked him if we were watching a movie tonight (we normally do on a saturday night). He says stroppily "yep." I ask what movie he's thinking of putting on and he snaps "dunno. can't magic one can I".

Any need??? I said I was sick of him snapping at me and being horrible so now he's not talking to me. Him and DSS are sat in the living room watching a movie and I'm sat in the dining room on my own again. feel like just going to bed sad

GeekLove Mon 10-Feb-14 22:03:14

This sounds like familiar territory. I remember when I was 20 moving in with my new fiancé and being somewhat put out that he didn't seem so delighted to come home considering that he had not seen me for 6 weeks.
That and his depression flaring up at the start of the academic year which again was weird considering it was the year he did subjects he wanted to do. Never mind he just got snappy and it wasn't him it was his depression talking.

So I put my emotional health on the backburner and did what I could for him listened to him and begged him to see a councillor even though he was never happy to see me and seemed to suck the joy from me. It was only when he said the thought of me spending the night with me made him want to scream was that the penny dropped and I dumped him.

You see he liked the status of the engagement and the domestic services provided by me but not actually the person as he was the sort who it turned out wasn't fully sure that women were people. It was not a coincidence that his first depressive flare-up co-incided with Fresher's Fair.

IF you have read this novel of a post what I am saying is he is probably fond of the status of engagement/marriage and having his own domestic slave but the actual process of sharing a life is too much for him and he is too cowardly to end it. You will have to take the initiative on this. Otherwise you will end up re-enacting Mark and Sophie's wedding from Peep Show.

JupiterGentlefly Sun 09-Feb-14 10:12:56

Op are you ok?

WelshMoth Sun 09-Feb-14 09:58:27

OP, please come back and tell us how you are feeling.
We have all been pretty blunt and very honest, and maybe that's been shocking for you to read. We don't want to hurt you, want you to get out of this situation and find happiness.

How are things today?

jasmineramsden Sun 09-Feb-14 09:55:13

He sounds like an absolute nob.
Please don't marry this man he will only get worse. He's speaking to you like a piece of shit love you deserve more.

redundantandbitter Sun 09-Feb-14 08:48:12

Are you ok OP?

Strong responses but all correct . It's obvious to everyone here that this person is treating you like a piece of crap.

Some lovely person posted this on

http://healingthroughselflove.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/idealize-devalue-and-discard.html?m=1

on another thread and I saved it. Don't know if it helps but it sure sounds like your not DP is trying to devalue you and crush your self esteem
Til you are nothing. Sorry but what a wanker. Does he behave like this in front of your friends and family?

You sound lovely, especially sitting down to work out the finances. He sound threatened by you.

Please don't marry him

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Feb-14 08:36:10

It must be hard to hear a bunch of strangers criticising the man you love. Point is though, of course he knows how to be lovely, that's how you fell for him. He can be great company, wise, supportive. He knows how to be like this - but now he's choosing not to. That is really no way to treat the woman you're supposed to love, your intended life partner, is it?

A good man puts his children first, that's right and proper - but while he's with them he can't even summon up common courtesy towards you, never mind affection. His love is rationed. He gives or withholds as he pleases. That is really, really not the foundation of a happy ever after story. That's Mr Murdstone in David Copperfield, that is (er, have I got the right book?). The rescuer turned jailer. The comforter turned tormentor. The man who is as nice as he has to be until he's got you hooked - then it's time to twist the hook, to start with the mind games to keep you on it. So you keep trying harder and harder and can't understand why you don't measure up. It must be you, because he used to be nice and he can still be nice to his kids.

No, it's not you. Really it's not.

I reiterate: run fast, run hard, and don't look back.

SnookyPooky Sun 09-Feb-14 08:22:50

Me too Boffin, I would not have wasted 6 years of my life with a man just like this. Sorry hateweekends.

Lweji Sun 09-Feb-14 08:12:05

Don't marry this man.

BoffinMum Sun 09-Feb-14 07:59:23

I bloody wish I had had you lot in my life when XP was up to some of this stuff.

pictish Sun 09-Feb-14 07:45:09

I'm going to echo everyone else. He thinks he's superior to you, which gives him carte blanche to speak to and treat you however he sees fit...which is apparently with contempt and disdain.
This is not because there is anything wrong with you. He doesn't do this because your behaviour warrants disdain...it is because he is an unpleasant man who gets a kick out of putting you down to make him feel big.

All the things you describe...well, it's just unnecessary rudeness isn't it? And I'll bet my last tenner that when you tell him how rude and hurtful you find his manner towards you, it'll be you causing problems, being dramatic, overreacting, starting an argument, criticising him, taking things too much to heart, acting the princess etc etc

Well...I'm here to tell you that this is not the case. Not by a long shot. He just thinks it's his God given right to trample over your feelings, because they don't matter to him. Your role...along with keeping him company, making his dinner and sucking his cock, is to be his scapegoat. Yes...there is nothing more convenient to a bully than having a live-in target for their cruelty and bad manners. In this prick's case, it's you.

If he will not listen to reason, and accept that his behaviour is upsetting, belittling and hurtful to you, and is making you unhappy, then he clearly doesn't give a shit about you, and you should cut your losses and get the fuck out.

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 07:39:34

I hope you are ok OP it must be a dreadful shock reading these responses.

What are the practical arrangements, in terms of house ownership, wedding debts, savings etc?

TamerB Sun 09-Feb-14 07:20:44

Cancel the wedding and get out now. Sorry to be so direct but he is abusive and it will get to the point that you come to believe that it is your fault. It is not you, you sound perfectly pleasant and normal and deserve better.

SnookyPooky Sun 09-Feb-14 07:09:11

Please don't marry this man and certainly do not get pregnant. Make your plans and run for the hills.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 09-Feb-14 01:51:58

This bloke sounds like he is a poster child for "circumstances worse than being alone". You are meant to stfu and be a domestic appliance for his benefit.

Please please stop the emotional damage you are being subjected to...the only way to do that is to exit the relationship. He wants you to stop thinking. He wants you to stop feeling. He wants you to be operationally invisible, like a props person between acts of the play that is his life.

The longer you stay, the more damage you will suffer, and that much longer it will take to recover-with counselling-understanding that complete recovery may not be possible <<bitter experience>>.

I agree that you are exceptionally lucky that he dipped his hand this early before the ceremony.

Sorry, OP, but the dynamic here sounds familiar. Could this thread be a prequel to this one? If not, I apologize, but it should prove interesting reading for you just the same.

wyrdyBird Sun 09-Feb-14 01:34:21

weekends....don't marry this man.

You already know what he's like. You know it will get worse.
This has been going on for quite a while now I think.

Do you have someone to talk to in RL?

oldgrandmama Sun 09-Feb-14 00:45:14

OP, you are a lucky LUCKY girl ... because that horrible git is showing his true colours BEFORE you're married/stuck with him. Get out now. He's abusing you emotionally, gaslighting, insulting and generally being a total nasty freak. Get rid.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Feb-14 00:00:24

It is completely illogical to believe that a man who treats you with contempt would suddenly become more respectful when you marry. Most don't change, some become worse. There is absolutely no reason why he should improve and several reasons why he shouldn't. Principal among them being that he is a dick.

Start extricating your finances now and think long and hard about why you might even want to be married to Mr Sarcastic, before putting on your running shoes and heading for the hills at top speed.

Xfirefly Sat 08-Feb-14 22:28:54

yep agree with others, major red flags here. don't stand for this OP. I'd tell him until he can learn respect for you the marriage if off...see how he responds.

correct me if I'm wrong but I think there was another poster on here recently writing about a husband or partner treating them like rubbish when DSC were around. ? so is it not that uncommon?

CuntyBunty Sat 08-Feb-14 22:16:56

The OP hasn't come back...She doesn't want to hear it until it's too late sad.

TurnipCake Sat 08-Feb-14 22:15:38

He hates you OP, what a nasty tale of utter contempt towards you.

FGS don't marry him, you deserve better.

VodkaJelly Sat 08-Feb-14 22:13:37

Seems to me that now you are enagaged and plan to marry his real self is coming out, like he has you where he wants you and doesnt need to hide his real self anymore.

This is just the beginning and more behaviour will follow, because once you are married he will ramp up the abuse. after all he has you where he wants you.

Look upon this as a massive warning and a glimpse of the future.

Do not marry him, he will only get worse.

ishouldcocoa Sat 08-Feb-14 22:09:20

Just get out.... Quickly. Don't put down the deposit.

Leave him.

Bahhhhhumbug Sat 08-Feb-14 22:02:10

Being a stepmum , especially to teens is hard enough with a loving husband (bitter experience). With a twat like him , why would you want to take on that role , just why ?? He is already treating you even worse when his DCs are around so they will take his lead and have zero respect for you ( they will be probably be predisposed to this already with you 'not being their real mum' and just being teenagers per se ). Some Disney Dads tend to behave like this - a sort of chumming up with their DCs against the stepmum as if to say 'you are still the most important people in the world to me , she's not all that'.
My DH went through a phase of doing this - always contradicting me , playing devils advocate to everything I said when one of his sons was around , like some sort of male bonding ritual at my expense.
I quickly called him on it (second time it happened I think) and told him I knew exactly why he was doing it and what a twat he was being and more to the point I wouldn't put up with it. He has never done it since and as he is a lovely , reasonable man on every other subject we survived it and are happy.
But yours doesn't appear to have any saving graces , I'm afraid , get rid !

CuntyBunty Sat 08-Feb-14 21:46:28

He isn't worthy of you. What are you getting out of it?

It won't get any better, you know, it will get worse. I am a bit of a joker/piss taker type and after six weeks of being with DH (then DP), he asked me if there was a problem, if I still liked him, because I was joking around too much. I was overexcited to be with him, "showing off", but to him, I was ripping the piss too much at too early a stage, before he really got to know me. I was mortified that I might have hurt him or made him think I was treating him with contempt and apologised. I also toned it right down, because I loved (still do) him. This is what will happen if he values you. If he doesn't, and is also a shit, he will carry on. Don't waste your time OP.

BetterTogether75 Sat 08-Feb-14 21:41:25

Please don't marry him.

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