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Just can't accept trips away with the lads!

(131 Posts)
Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 10:34:50

I know some women don't mind their partner going away regularly with the lads, but I just don't like it, I've tried to question myself go over it in my head but it never has been something that sat comfortable with me.

I've been with my bf for over a year now, and this is the main problem for me, we don't live together so don't see a lot of each other though I'm fine with that. But there just seems to be a lads trip away every 3 months or so, a few in this country somewhere, others are abroad. They're all in their 40's now so not young lads and it's all about drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching football and were as my bf may not be unfaithful as far as I know, I know others are womanisers and heard various stories of women joining them having a laugh etc. although I trust him there is always that doubt in my head. In the past I've been cheated on by bfs going away to Blackpool etc. I know that's the past but I don't know I'm just finding it hard. Don't forget on top of this there is other nights out with the lads which I don't mind so much I do understand they need this time etc as do I but I can not afford to go away like he does if I do it's to see an old school friend, nor do I really have that craving to want to go away like he does. I'm just wanting people's opinions really would you accept this, is it just the norm ? What would you do about it, sometimes I just wonder if it would be best to just end it let him do what he wants I don't want to turn into the nagging girlfriend or have to put up with all the stress I feel when he does go away.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:13:42

Reading back, all of the OPs posts - it isn't so much about approving or disapproving , it's because she doesn't like going away/doesn't have the money to do so herself, so the whole relationship will never work because they have different values and probably different incomes.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 14:15:03

But while you don't live together and the relationship is still dating you do lots of things that gradually fizzle out or decrease as you get older/have kids/settle down a bit.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 14:17:06

Noddyholder - what a highly unusual post!! "Taking away from him a relationship he is probably happy in"? WTAF?! confused So unless both partners are unhappy or the happy partner/society thinks the reason the unhappy partner is unhappy is good enough a relationship shouldn't end?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 14:19:00

If he's going to cheat, then he'll cheat. It doesn't matter if he's in a bar in Malaga with his mates or wandering round Sainsburys buying a loaf of bread. The issue here seems to be that you just don't trust him wherever he is.

When you say that you don't see much of each other because you don't live together, how often are we talking? Do you feel like he's prioritising spending time with his friends over spending time with you?

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:22:37

Thank you no I don't want to try and change him, perhaps I need to change myself who knows, whatever the reasons it just doesn't make me feel comfortable it probably is a little bit of trust and insecurity and worried if I ever did live with him which is what you ultimately end up aiming for, how would it be? I think everyone is different from past life experiences to how we were are made as to what we will or won't accept in a relationship. It's also different I think if you've been with someone a long time you do learn to trust them and being someone who has been with cheats and controlling men etc etc you become more and more syndical. I may be silly to feel how I do I don't deny that but I simply can't help it, so as someone said we're maybe just not compatible. None of my friends other halfs or my family's do this sort of thing, they have their hobbies and occasional nights out but they don't go away every 3 months with womanising idiots so I don't think I'm being that unreasonable.

wellthatsdoneit Sat 08-Feb-14 14:25:02

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible in this area. You want one thing, he wants another. I don't think it's likely to change if you lived together/had children and would probably make you feel even worse. I think it's best to end it now before you are any more committed.

ALittleStranger Sat 08-Feb-14 14:29:21

Have your friends been dating their partners a year though? The way people behave after several years of commitment is very different than one year in with someone you don't even live with... It sounds like the issue isn't the weekends away but that the relationship doesn't look (yet) like the relationship you want.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:35:55

I would imagine most of your friends live with/are married to partners of a longer duration than a year. When you are in a settled relationship the endless weekends tend to go by-the-by.

If your ultimate goal is to live with him, then I would assume that money will be pooled. So would you go away with your friends when he goes away with his?

I also think you are projecting past poor choices in relationships onto this new bloke.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:37:59

That's very true alittlestrange it is very different and that's kind of my point too, but I'm not sure I'm willing to take the chance I have 2 kids to consider, he has 2 kids and I will say he doesn't go the weekends he has the kids although once he did ask his mum to have them. I don't think it's fair to say you can't go because of my insecurities so it is just the right thing to do to walk away. I will miss certain things but that's life I guess. I wish sometimes I could grab hold of the feeling this makes me feel and just remove it, switch off the button in my head but it's just not possible so I think it's time to move on

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:41:52

That is also true darlinggrace I am letting the past interfere with this relationship, I have been told this before actually but I have no idea how to put the past to bed. Probably will always have problems with relationships in that case but really it is just this one thing I am finding hard . So annoying

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 14:46:41

FWIW, I have several female friends in their late 30's, early 40's who are second time round in the dating game. It is a constant source of eye opening amusement to me. They are worse than any man I've encountered, with their attitude to going out/weekends away/party lifestyle/ONS.

So I don't think it's a bloke thing.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 14:58:59

No not always darlinggrace I agree. It's nit just down to gender.

Ellafizgerald although I agree it is a trust issue, it is a bit silly to compare a trip to sainsburys to buy a loaf of bread and a night away in Malaga with drunk men and women. Of course I trust him in sainsburys I do generally I have no idea were he is half the time his work involves him driving around a lot. I don't question that it's just I hear stories about others cheating, women joining them etc etc going back to hotel rooms not necessarily his. I guess I don't know him well enough to really put my trust in him yet, that could change maybe and it could very well fizzle out as I know he has in the past turned down nights out for me as I have done, only tonight I said no to the girls because I'd arranged to see him, and if know he has too. It's such a shame as we don't argue at all I've not been completely honest how I feel on this as I don't want to come across as 'controlling' as some people immediately thought here. So the only answer is to walk or should I explain how I feel in a non controlling way and give him a chance I don't know

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:24:07

What I am saying is to end a relationship that both are happy in because of her insecurities is controlling. It isn't because she doesn't like his company or him per se but unless he panders to her insecurity it has to end. I don't think it shouldn't end and its up to the individual but it is controlling as he has no choice apart from changing who he is

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 15:28:02

Just express how you feel. Jeez. Its not controlling to say when you do this I feel that. It is communicating your needs and desires. Relationships are compromise. He may not know how it makes you feel. He may come up with a compromise or he might say too bad I'll do as I want. But YOU decide what YOU want and what you are happy with. Have a clear view of what is acceptable to you. I wouldn't care how many women thought it okay for partners to go away for regular boozy weekends with other players. It would never be okay for me and that is the only thing that needs to be
considered by me. And never arguing is not a good sign. If you never express how you truly feel then you can avoid arguments but in the end what is the point.

DarlingGrace Sat 08-Feb-14 15:30:07

only tonight I said no to the girls because I'd arranged to see him

I'm just shock at that comment.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:33:40

Thanks rainbow and your right about the arguments, that's probably why I'm feeling like I do cos I've avoided saying anything.

How strange noddy so you should stay in a relationship to make the other person happy even if your not happy yes can't see me doing that anytime time soon, and if it's controlling to leave a relationship then yes I'm guilty. Very odd !

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:34:49

I don't mean 'only' as in the only time, just a figure of speech darling lol

I couldn't imagine having a DP who didn't want to spend the vast majority of his holiday time and money with me.

But I didn't have a gang of girls or DH lads to go on holiday with when we were 20, so it seems an insane way to carry one at 40

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:45:17

Thats not what I mean at all. You don't sound unhappy you sound like you are insecure and so the whole thing is off. This could crop up again. I was just disagreeing that it isn't controlling because it is. You are insecure so its all off? If he stopped going away with hsi mates would you stay in the relationship?

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:50:51

When I read the OP it sounded to me like you both like each other but because you don't like him going away you are going to end it. Rather than maybe find out why you feel like that?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 08-Feb-14 15:51:50

Damn I'm sorry, I obviously didn't express myself very well. I'm not suggesting that you don't trust him when he's doing the shopping. The point I was trying to make is that if he thinks cheating is an acceptable thing to do (which I obviously don't know whether he does or not) then it doesn't matter if he's going about his every day business or whether he's away with a load of drunk mates. If he wants to cheat, he'll cheat. If he doesn't, he won't.

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:55:03

Well i am a strong person in many ways believe it or not, I am insecure a bit yes, but I wouldn't and don't stop him going out with the lads I don't stop him playing golf, playing football etc etc, if there was a stag night he wanted to go to I wouldn't stop him it's one night or 2 nights whatever but regularly I personally don't like it, feel stressed and upset. For you it might not matter if your dp went away with the lads every few months your not insecure you trust him good for you, but there maybe something else you may not like or put up with that wouldn't bother me or someone else, you can't help how you feel. And I have never said you can't go, that would be controlling but leaving the relationship to allow him to go away with womanisers as often as he wanted and letting me find someone who was more interested in maybe taking me away instead is not controlling but it is taking control of your own life!

rainbowsmiles Sat 08-Feb-14 15:55:19

Exactly starballbunny. Not everyone wants that but I do and so does damhot.

Good luck with the big conversation. Have trust in yourself.

noddyholder Sat 08-Feb-14 15:58:32

Yes I agree that you should take control but it would be a shame if you were quite happy with him as this could crop up again esp as by your 40s if you are single holiday with mates etc is quite common. If he said it had been boring recently and he felt he was out growing it would you be happy with him otherwise?

Damnhot72 Sat 08-Feb-14 15:58:33

Noddy is because this sort of thing has happened before so it doesn't feel comfortable, I have been over and over it in my head and I know it won't change unless there was maybe a compromise and it was less or something I don't know.

Ella I used to say the same thing myself, I get what your saying but there is more pressure from the lads in that situation he admits it himself !

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