Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Can I be fixed?(81 Posts)
Ever just down and just burst out crying? For one of the first times in my life I literally cannot stop crying. I feel broke, like a twig that's just snapped.
I'm 31 years old with 3 brilliant kids. I want to be normal for the sake of my kids. I guess speaking and talking about my life is possibly the first step in taking my life back. Please don't judge me or think I'm attention seeking because I promise I'm not. This will totally out me...
I come from a family of women who over the decades have been sexually abused. My mum, nan, aunts. All by different people. I was dragged down an alley at the age of 9 and sexually assaulted. My sister was gang raped.
My granddad beat my nan, my dad beat my mum, my Dp beat me, my sisters Dp beats her. When my mum went to work, my dad would beat my younger brother. He was 8. I used to cry and beg him to stop. Why didn't I tell my mum? My brother is a mess now.
My dad would make us all sit in the couch all day and we weren't allowed to move for upto 24 hours.
I didn't have the best start. My mum and dad had a terrible accident and were in hospital for a year when I was 2. I was passed around the family for a long time. Our home was repossessed and we were out on the streets.
When I was a teenager I developed an eating disorder. My family used to sing a made up song taking the piss out of me. I turned to self harming.
At 15 I took a handful of pills but my mum found me.
Not long after I met my Dp. At first he was kind and thoughtful. Then I found out I was pregnant with baby no.1, Dp started to push me around and slap me about.
Baby no2 comes and Dp takes it further. He avoids my bump until he went to prison for a separate thing. I thought great! I'm free. But he was soon out and knocking on my door full of promises. As a 19 year old with literally no confidence I let him back into my life. Not like I had a choice.
For the next few years Dp would regularly hit me, spit on me, take my money. Him and his friends would laugh and joke about my black eyes and my broken nose.
Baby no3 comes and Dp completely does an about turn. He gets a job and acts like the doting dad. He even said I was allowed to start going to the pub with the few friends I had for 2-3 hours on a Sunday night.
Then his brother thought it was wrong and I should be at home. So Dp drags me out of the pub by my hair in front of everybody. I was so scared that I wet myself.
Then my youngest brother ends up with internal injuries during a tour in Iraq. Dp wouldn't let me visit him. It broke my heart. My little brother was bullied terribly in school and he has a mild form of Tourette's. Just ticks really but enough for people to make his life a living hell.
Dp no longer hurts me. He hasn't done for a few years. I don't know why though?
I don't think he can be bothered because he's now 19stone, unemployed and a mess.
I now realise that my life isn't right. I don't want my kids to suffer any sadness that I have. I appear to have a heart of stone but with my kids I don't. Lately I have been crumbling, after all these years if staying strong it's all finally coming too much.
I need help.
(Please do not out me)
If you feel threatened with, or if experience any form of violence ring 999. Straight away. Do not hesitate.
Be the first woman in your family to stop this shit. The police are good at handling violent men now. They will remove him and you can get a non-molestation order to keep him away.
Please tell us you're ok if you can safely. My thoughts are with you and your kids.
I think you're amazing. How you are still standing after all of that is beyond me and I suspect most of MN to understand. Keep going!
You're doing the right thing
Hope the weekend isn't too stressful x
Has he left? God I hope so, you will grown and trive wihtout this weed around you I promise.
Wow - you've done so well.
And you've come so far from your original post.
So what is happening now?
Is he leaving?
Next step would be to call the police on 101 number - ask for the domestic violence unit.
Let them know that you have been in an abusive relationship for XX number of years and that you have asked him to leave today.
That way, if anything happens and you dial 999 they can have someone there quickly as they will put you on the priority list.
Keep going and keep strong. Get in touch with womens aid for your next steps.
Thinking of you!
OP its the people around you that need fixing. You've been through so much and you're still here, still able to articulate how you feel. I don't know if I could be as strong as you evidently are. Well done to you. There'll be people along with better advice but for now, make 'quiet' arrangements. Speak to Women's Aid and any other organisation you need to - get as much advice and support as possible including housing advice, re. being rehoused as far away from your OH as possible. Get far away. Make a completely new start with your DCs. It may be hard at first but will be an opportunity for a fresh start, building a new, happy, turmoil-free life for you and your DCs. There's support out there if you need to talk, vent, etc. Life isn't a rehearsal I believe we only get 1 shot at it - so start planning towards living the happy life you so deserve.
Well done Patrick xxx
Go you (But keep safe)
Wow! Patrick! Well done! Have you spoken to WA?
I have asked him to leave. I feel nervous as hell and I have come out in an itchy rash all over my face, but I have don't it!
He was calling me a horrible fucking dog and I just couldn't take it anymore.
How are you doing now Patrick?
you sound like an incredible strong person to me
none of this is your fault and as others have said , if you can cope with all the shit you have managed so far , going it alone will be a breeze in comparison
take it at your own pace if it makes it easier for you . we will all be here . talk to your GP or show them this and explain your worry about ss , they are not all ogres. they may give you something for your panic attacks which are so scary anyway.
you can do this , you just have to be stronger for a bit longer
Absolutely take some time to consider what it might be like....just you and your dcs.
Actually yes, at first it will be weird, strange and you'll be scared if you can cope.
However, are there any times when your slobby twat is out of the house....do you get a sense of calm? A 'phew' feeling.
Then when you know he's coming back, a sinking feeling?
It is the calm you will get when you get out....with no dread he is coming back.
The thing is your feelings, needs and emotions have been so suppressed over time, you won't know who you are, what you like, what you want....it takes a while to find those things out after such a prolonged life of mistreatment....therapy will certainly help when you are ready.
Change is hard. But in your case, the initial fear will be worth it. You sound like you don't want to feel like this anymore and you don't have to.
OP can I just say that being on your own (with the kids) is bloody brilliant. You will love it, especially after all the awful shit you've been through. Can you imagine coming home and doing exactly what you want? Sleeping peacefully with no fat smelly snoring tosser next to you. Can you imagine pleasing yourself? Making your kids laugh til they cry with some silly trick (our current favourite is some fake poo, which were taking to a party tonight). Seriously life alone after this is going to be truly awesome I promise you. Not necessarily easy but awesomely better than now.
Yes, you may be pleasantly surprised. It will not be easy but it will be free. When my xp left it was like I'd been let out of prison. It was scary and exciting at the same time but also hugely hugely precious to me, being free and alone. But it is important that you have regular support. You don't have to do it all completely alone. WA were very important to me at the time.
Great post thinking
Hold on to that picture Patrick. It isn't being alone. it is being allowed to be your own person know your own space. you get to be yourself.
Women say it all the time on the EA thread. i left him and got myself back.
People telling you not proper. soz.
This is understandable.
Take your time to get used to the idea. Think about what it would mean to you, to your kids. If necessary use visualisation techniques - see yourself comming home, flicking tv on and cuddling on sofa wihtout that demanding abusive lump there. Talk to posters that have survived EA.
I know ^ isnt the answer to all, just a thought to help you get started..But think about it, IMO you have been on your own in your marriage, you havnt had support from him have you? He sounds like he has drained you.
Patrick it probably terrified you because you have proper telling you your whole life that you won't manage, that you need them and you cannot cope on your own.
Well do you know what, if you can cope whilst putting up with an abusive bastard you can cope ten times more easily on your own.
really, you will love it.
They are not telling you you need them for your own good they are telling you that for their own selfish reasons.
And I know MN is online but you would not be alone, you have MNers to talk to anytime, WA and your dcs and you will also find it easier to have RL friends in your life without an abusive man running the show.
Sorry it's took me awhile to reply.
I have never been on my own my whole life. The thought terrifies me.
Yes. do lean on us/MN Patrick we will offer whatever support we can with your leaving plans, and with anything else we can.
If you were broken you wouldnt feel how you feel. It is ok to feel as you do given what you have been through.
It is ok.
You maybe suffering PTSD - you cant go through all that and it not bubble over at some point. Would you be able to explain how you felt to your GP - you wouldnt nesscairly need to detail everything. You could print off your post and give to them to read rather having to say it.
Now do you want help to make plans to leave?
I hope you slept, you must be exhausted.
Patrick his controlling behaviour, treating you as if he is entitled to have you run after him, is emotional abuse. many survivors of DA say the EA is worse than physical abuse. again you are not alone. you are not a freak. you are reacting the way any normal person would to unfair and abnormal treatment.
I know it is hard but do try to reach out to WA. they really are there to help and support you both emotionally and practically.
you can email them if you cannot face phoning them straight off. that might be the baby step that will get you started.
Also if you feel like it do check.out the EA thread in relationships. lots of help and support there too.
I'm not in any danger at the moment. Dp has become very lazy and he's obese. He doesn't touch me anymore but he still orders me about which annoys me more than him hitting me (weird)
He clicks his fingers when I come home from work for me to make him a brew. I find that worse than when he hurts me. I know that's odd but that's how I feel.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.