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Can I be fixed?

(81 Posts)
PatrickStarisabadbellend Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:39

Ever just down and just burst out crying? For one of the first times in my life I literally cannot stop crying. I feel broke, like a twig that's just snapped.
I'm 31 years old with 3 brilliant kids. I want to be normal for the sake of my kids. I guess speaking and talking about my life is possibly the first step in taking my life back. Please don't judge me or think I'm attention seeking because I promise I'm not. This will totally out me...

I come from a family of women who over the decades have been sexually abused. My mum, nan, aunts. All by different people. I was dragged down an alley at the age of 9 and sexually assaulted. My sister was gang raped.

My granddad beat my nan, my dad beat my mum, my Dp beat me, my sisters Dp beats her. When my mum went to work, my dad would beat my younger brother. He was 8. I used to cry and beg him to stop. Why didn't I tell my mum? My brother is a mess now.
My dad would make us all sit in the couch all day and we weren't allowed to move for upto 24 hours.

I didn't have the best start. My mum and dad had a terrible accident and were in hospital for a year when I was 2. I was passed around the family for a long time. Our home was repossessed and we were out on the streets.
When I was a teenager I developed an eating disorder. My family used to sing a made up song taking the piss out of me. I turned to self harming.

At 15 I took a handful of pills but my mum found me.

Not long after I met my Dp. At first he was kind and thoughtful. Then I found out I was pregnant with baby no.1, Dp started to push me around and slap me about.
Baby no2 comes and Dp takes it further. He avoids my bump until he went to prison for a separate thing. I thought great! I'm free. But he was soon out and knocking on my door full of promises. As a 19 year old with literally no confidence I let him back into my life. Not like I had a choice.

For the next few years Dp would regularly hit me, spit on me, take my money. Him and his friends would laugh and joke about my black eyes and my broken nose.

Baby no3 comes and Dp completely does an about turn. He gets a job and acts like the doting dad. He even said I was allowed to start going to the pub with the few friends I had for 2-3 hours on a Sunday night.

Then his brother thought it was wrong and I should be at home. So Dp drags me out of the pub by my hair in front of everybody. I was so scared that I wet myself.

Then my youngest brother ends up with internal injuries during a tour in Iraq. Dp wouldn't let me visit him. It broke my heart. My little brother was bullied terribly in school and he has a mild form of Tourette's. Just ticks really but enough for people to make his life a living hell.

Dp no longer hurts me. He hasn't done for a few years. I don't know why though?
I don't think he can be bothered because he's now 19stone, unemployed and a mess.

I now realise that my life isn't right. I don't want my kids to suffer any sadness that I have. I appear to have a heart of stone but with my kids I don't. Lately I have been crumbling, after all these years if staying strong it's all finally coming too much.

I need help.
(Please do not out me)

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:37:06

I haven't rang women's aid yet. I don't feel ready to say it all out loud if that makes any sense?

It's taken me a lot to write it on here.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:39:36

Anyone would break under this pressure but you're not made of glass (or twigs) and you can be fixed.

Please call women's aid.

Please don't feel it is your fault or a family curse either. None of what is happening to you or has happened is your fault and you can live a happy life. You need to take (very small if necessary) steps towards changing the abuse that is continuing to crush you.

Talking on her is good.

Crying is good.

Speaking to women's aid and your mum is good.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:46:14

Might take some psychological practice to call women's aid. When I've found this tough I've sometimes spent weeks looking at the number, memorising it, typing it in but not dialling, dialling but cutting off. Don't see stuff like this as a failure but as building up to it because that's what it is, taking small steps towards freedom.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:48:27

Thank you Offred. It took a few attempts to write my Op.

The plan is to take baby steps. I had a panic attack today with the worry.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 00:51:26

Although that's scary I'm also convinced it's normal and to be expected. Have you had panic attacks before?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:51:37

I suspect Dp has cheated on me throughout our relationship. I have been tested and I'm in the clear.

Dp has given me bladder infections on a regular basis though due to him having terrible hygiene. God that so embarrassing.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 00:52:35

Not as such Offred. I sometimes get palpitations but this was my 3rd full blown panic attack.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:00:44

I find trying to do Pilates breathing really helps when a panic attack comes. It means you have a task to focus on and it's a task which helps.

Keep getting it all out on here. What a nasty knobhead he is... Your not-d-p...

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:02:22

He's pretty odd. Today he bought me babyliss big hair because he new I wanted it.

It's so confusing.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:03:03

I might look into Pilates. Thanks Offred.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:05:15

It's part of the cycle of abuse. It serves two purposes to make everyone feel better about him (you, him, his friends, etc) which encourages you to stay in a relationship and to mess with your head I think.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:07:51

Pilates has been very good for my anxiety generally and the breathing is especially good. If you can go to a class I'd highly recommend it.

Here's the Wikipedia thing on cycle of abuse

Spychic Sat 08-Feb-14 01:09:49

You are so brave, anyone would be crumbling after what you've been through! Totally get that you don't feel brave though.

Dp buying you babyliss is just him trying to score brownie points. He may sense that you've had enough and wants to be able to say "but I bought you babyliss,I doooooo care...." Fuck off, you deserve so much more!

You deserve a partner who supports you, encourages you, respects your physical boundaries and Oh yeah, DOESN'T HIT YOU NOW OR IN THE PAST...

Keep getting it all out on here and when you're feeling ready to take the next step there will be people to encourage you.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:12:59

I get a nervous tummy a lot too.

Thanks Spychic. I know I deserve somebody decent but I don't know if I could trust anybody else.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:18:26

Don't think about that too much yet it will seem an impossible dream because of how bad things have been and it might make you feel really hopeless.

Women's aid and psychotherapy can help get you to a place where you can trust where it's appropriate but it's a way off. Your future really doesn't need to be condemned by your past you need to get out of this first which is something else that might seem impossible but you've been so strong up till now I'm sure you have the resources to do it.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:18:58

In fact you're starting to do it by talking about it.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:21:53

Do you think you'll be able to sleep? Assuming you're in the UK?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:22:39

Yes I am in the uk.

mcmooncup Sat 08-Feb-14 01:24:49

Hi, you have done so well to write all this down.
I know to some people this may all seem amazing and unreal that people have to go through this, but I just wanted to say that I work with people everyday who have similar experiences in life as you have described. You unfortunately are not alone. And it constantly surprises me the number of people I meet who are affected by constant and significant violence yet there has never been any intervention from any agency.

So, for me the first thing is to get it straight for you that there is nothing wrong with you
You are not wired wrongly, you do not deserve this, you are a normal human being, no better or worse than anyone else.
However, you are reacting to a catalogue of cruelty in your life. Humans are hardwired for connection and nurture, when you've not had or got that, things happen.
People I meet who have suffered similar often suffer deep depression, anxiety, PTSD, hideous self-worth....all totally understandable because of the cruelty they have suffered.

For me your first step is getting to a place of safety. As others have said, women's aid will help you and your children get peace away from this pig you live with.

How do you feel about potentially walking away with nothing but gaining peace, safety and a place where you can start to heal yourself and your children?

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:27:05

I would like to walk away mcmooncup. I'm trying to build up the strength.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:27:51

Stuff usually bursts out of me late in the evening like this. I think it's often because I'm needing to get it out before sleep but it makes it hard for me to sleep sometimes. Sleeping might help if you can, I think dreaming often helps sort through your feelings. Certainly staying up and getting no sleep won't help, but if you really can't go to sleep try doing some restful things and not beating yourself up about it. Don't have bright lights on, reading, listening to some music if you can and lying down often helps distract me enough to get me to sleep.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 08-Feb-14 01:29:07

Thanks Offred. I've just taken a nytol tablet so I'll be snoozing soon.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:33:06

And someone will be posting through the night no doubt if you don't want to be alone. I'm flagging and need to sleep, sorry, I hope you can get some too.

My bf always says "it'll be fine and if it's not fine it'll still be fine", I tell him he's just had a sheltered life but really I know he's right. It will be fine, people are resilient and you're a strong person and you can get through this.

Offred Sat 08-Feb-14 01:34:08

Ah x-post. Good. I hope it gets to work for you soon.

fusspot66 Sat 08-Feb-14 08:00:07

Good morning PatrickStar. I hope you got some sleep.Sorry I zonked out. Small boy crept into my bed in the night then wakes me with a torch shining in my eyes and a 'knock knock' joke before 7. I hope today you wake calm strong and refreshed. You can also email WA. You could copy and paste your original post into an email if it's too hard to say out loud. I've heard great things about WA and sadly they are very experienced with the harm done by pigs like your partner, and your early years. There Is a lot of help out there for you. Sending you strength and unmumsnetty hugs.

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