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And it's finally over

(18 Posts)
DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 08-Feb-14 19:14:26

Oh x post well you are on the right track, don't worry.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 08-Feb-14 19:13:52

Walter4 that sounds ominous, would it help to start a thread for advice also on the Relationships board? Or maybe click Report and ask MNHQ to move your post?

Walter4 Sat 08-Feb-14 19:11:30

Sorry , this was to be a new topic!! Not used to doing this :/

Walter4 Sat 08-Feb-14 19:10:35

I am in a relationship with a man, the relationship is not good.we have one child. He never ever leaves his mobile in my sight....I can't think when he might be having an affair , but feel there may be something going on, not sure why...aside from the phone. We no longer share a bedroom and the relationship is not good. How could I find out if he is , anyone got any good ideas?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 08-Feb-14 18:27:36

That might be so people don't think poorly of him for walking out when DD is still tiny. See how long he keeps that up. Has he got family locally, any further interest likely from them?

Contributing financially towards DD doesn't entitle him to come and go as he pleases, or disrespect you, btw..

Lookingforabetteryear Sat 08-Feb-14 18:08:57

Yes he was shocking during pregnancy. I do still love him but am trying to focus on the idea of a happier future. He's now trying to be "Disney dad" and seem concerned for baby and totally disregarding my feelings.

Pippinlongsocks Sat 08-Feb-14 13:56:36

I read your post and really felt for you. When my DS was only 8 weeks old I discovered my H had gone on holiday for a boozy week with a friend. Prior to this he had banged on about how stressed he was and needed some time out from everything and told me he was going away for a quiet time of reflection. I felt such a mug and so much of me wanted to end things but at that time I didn't have the courage as I was scared of being a single parent. What followed was 12+ years of EA and financial abuse. I finally escaped last year and I am living a much happier life now and my DS is also so much happier. My ex never made any effort to engage with us unless it suited him and many times my DS asked if we could 'divorce Daddy' as he had never had any opportunity to bond with his dad. He was always too busy boozing and watching football. On reflection I wish I had gone with my gut instinct and just binned the ex back then. At that time I was already alone and coping by myself but felt I had to keep things together. You don't I realise now have to think like that. I would have saved me and my DS a lot of unhappiness. Be strong, you will surprise yourself and will gain strength from being with your baby and not having to worry about the stress you would have from EA from someone who doesn't want to stand by his family and look after them. You will be able to cope because I bet you are coping already.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 08-Feb-14 09:06:12

It wasn't what you planned for and hoped for, I am sorry it turned out this way. Do you have support around you, Looking?

He has actually done you a favour by leaving now if there's been emotional abuse. I'm guessing he has grumbled and sat back if you ever needed support during your pregnancy and since DD arrived.

Having a baby is hard enough without his kind of selfishness so please don't put a time-scale on when you should feel right because there isn't one. Lean on friends and family for now,let your health visitor know what has happened. Take things a day at a time, function like a robot if you have to. In her own way your DD will heal you, she is certainly not missing out on a dad if he is a nasty character. She will depend on you, and won't know any different if your partner is gone for good - an absent father is better than a present but abusive one.

colinbutterfly Sat 08-Feb-14 08:39:46

You might surprise yourself...life is much easier without an abusive fuckwit holding you back I promise you. Some people say it's easier to be a single parent than to attempt to bring a child up in the presence of these arseholes full time.

When the pain and everything has subsided you will feel lighter than air. Get on the EA thread! everyone knows the path there.

In my experience, month 1 was BRUTAL, month 2 better, months 3-6 I felt liberated and wanted to skip around shouting 'I'm free'. Slight relapse at 6 months when I realised he wasn't coming back and decided I loved him and he wasn't EA (still maintained NC), month 7 realised he was abusive and had a lot of flashbacks and bad dreams, month 8 felt better, month 9 came off anti depressants (I'd been depressed when we were together; the break up triggered a breakdown). I'm now in month 10 and life is GOOD. No one telling me I'm shit, ugly, ordering me around, no more worrying if he's cheating on me, no more being financially abused. I got a new job, booked a nice holiday, I have hobbies, I'm able to see my friends.

Are you resolute with this break up yourself? My ex used to break up with me a lot as part of a keeping me on my toes thing. I let him back every time bar the last.

mathanxiety Sat 08-Feb-14 08:38:44

You're probably not able to see it like this right now, but you are well rid. A baby is far better than an emotionally abusive partner.

Don't panic about the end of the dream you had. You knew he was emotionally abusive and you knew how horrible that was. Right now you are no longer able to hold out hope for change and everything working out fine in the end, and that is a shock when it finally happens -- even when things are so bad you know it either has to end or change, victims of abuse tend to hope for change.

One of the effects abuse can have is making you doubt your own strength and capability. When you find yourself panicking about how you will manage, remind yourself that this is a side effect of abuse.

Above all, do not let your DP back into your home or your life. You will end up a shadow of your former self and in really bad shape if you try to let him have another shot. It will hobble you as a mother to have to deal with emotional abuse from him. He isn't interested in the same 'happy every after' that you are interested in. He wants a human punchbag.

I am glad you have support -- reach out to the HV, and keep your courage up.

FolkGirl Sat 08-Feb-14 08:27:49

I was just going to say the same thing, this is your happy ever after.

I'm on my second time round of being single parent. The first time I had a newborn; this time I've got a 15 and 7 year old (have been on my own for just over a year).

And it's great. Both time have been fine and I had no family support and no friends due to circumstances.

It will be hard in the early days, of course, but you can do this. I did and there's nothing special about me.

IwasLate Sat 08-Feb-14 00:11:23

Hey I'm sure you can manage
It probably won't be easy but you need to believe it

Iwillorderthefood Fri 07-Feb-14 23:00:41

I am sorry, it will be hard make sure that your health visitor knows what has happened, you will find you get a lot of support. My sister split with her husband when their baby was 10 days old. The care my sister got from her health visitor was amazing,

There are all manner of practical things to consider, as well as what previous listers have said about making sure you don't go back. It will not seem like it, but you will get through this, and things will get better eventually.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Fri 07-Feb-14 22:54:54

This is the beginning of your 'happy ever after'* provided you can resist the entreaties from him which are probably just round the corner.

I recomment the EA thread.

*disclaimer: even happy ever afters have their ups and downs.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 07-Feb-14 22:53:22

Not all people stay happy ever after end btw op. If there was abuse then best off out.

Lookingforabetteryear Fri 07-Feb-14 22:46:03

Yes have lots of support. He just drove off. I see all my friends having happy ever afters and Im landed this, I know that sounds v childish!

AmandaAmanda Fri 07-Feb-14 22:28:37

I'm so sorry this is happening to u sad
Being a new mum is very emotional time in itself, so during your pregnancy and in the early weeks of parenthood he should have been loving, supporting and understanding!
However u said he was abusive, makes my blood boil, bastard, where did he go?
Do u have family and friends around?

Lookingforabetteryear Fri 07-Feb-14 22:24:16

Partner ended it tonight after pretty much a year of rowing and his emotional abuse. We have a three week old daughter together. I can't believe this has happened. I don't know what I was fighting for but I feel so low/ empty/ desperate/ not ready for single parenthood. Anyone got any words of advice?

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