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I found out my boyfriend has been watching porn

(33 Posts)
Sammy8726 Fri 07-Feb-14 17:05:25

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We have a great sex life which we very openly talk about and never feel awkward or uncomfortable to do so.

During a conversation we had a few weeks back I asked my boyfriend if he has watched porn while we have been together he admitted he had once to get some sex position ideas and even told me the sites he had been on as he had been on them a lot when he was single. I was fine with what he said and it didn't bother me and the conversation was left at that.

I recently had suspicion that he had been going on it again, long story how I had a feeling about it but I did and so I checked his history one morning and it was deleted. I asked him why he deleted his history and he said he was looking for gifts for valentines day. I asked him " are you watching porn" and he replied "no"

There was something about it that I didn't believe him. I went to work and it played in my mind all day... I had to know...he then tx me while i was at work admitting that he had and again it was to to look at sex positions as he felt he wasn't pleasing me. So when I got home I looked at his phone and being good with technology I found out what he had been on, now it didn't tell me what days but did tell me the amount of data used on each site visitedand there it was porn all over with a lot of data.

I burst in to tears and confronted him. I was so upset he had been going on porn more than the once in a blue moon that he had admitted to, and admitted that he had been on it everyday so far this week. I stormed downstairs and sobbed, I was devastated that he had lied and I was thinking what am I doing wrong?? Calmed down and went to talk to him about it. I told him that e had ruined our brilliant sex life and I don't think I would be the same in bed again and that I feel really insecure. We spoke some more and I thought it wasn't that big if a deal to break is up but j did tell him this is going to take some time to get over kn my side.He was really embarrassed said he was sorry and that he won't do it again and that he feels better for talking about it. I don't believe he will not go on it again.

We have since made love and it was not awkward at all it was just as great as any other time. My question of advice is have I dealt with this in a good way or have I been far to soft and he may think that he got away with it and I'm a push over. It does play in my mind and it turns my stomach and I want to ask him what kind of things he has been looking at? But I feel if I do then I will come across as keep bringing it up. This is all fresh to is still as it only happened yesterday... What do i do? Shall I leave it and get over it hoping if will heal or shall I ask him? And how should I ask him? Have I acted the correct way or am I just a push over??

CaptainHindsight Fri 07-Feb-14 17:13:39

When you spoke to him a few weeks ago did you tell him how you feel about porn?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Feb-14 17:14:37

There's no 'correct way' really. If you don't like porn, have made your views clear and he's ignoring you then he doesn't respect your opinion. Do you want to be with someone like that? He's lied to you about using it and shown himself to be untrustworthy. Do you want to be in a relationship with a liar?

If there's a truism in relationships it's that if you want to be with someone you have to take them exactly as they are and not how you would wish them to be. If the way they are makes you unhappy, don't bank on them changing. 'Getting over it' and 'hoping it will heal' sound a lot like you thinking you have to lower your standards and tolerate poor behaviour for the sake of having a boyfriend. You seem reluctant to confront him again. Your confidence sounds low already. Those kinds of things are usually a recipe for a crappy relationship and I think you should aim a lot higher.

Freyalright Fri 07-Feb-14 18:04:11

I think a compromise is good, if you are both happy to do so. He watched before you and you don't watch it. Is there a middle ground as long as it doesn't affect your love life.

FastLoris Fri 07-Feb-14 22:45:29

You didn't say why it bothers you. It's hard to work out the best way forward without knowing that.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Fri 07-Feb-14 23:07:02

Is the problem the porn or the fact he lied to you about? If you have moral/emotional/your own reasons for being anti-porn then you have to question whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who clearly uses porn. Personally I would question his explanation about it, by saying he ws looking at it to find other ways of satisfying/spicing it up with you, he is a) probably lying and b) shifting the blame of his useage. Personally I am very 'meh' about porn, but that is just me, only you can decide if it is a deal breaker.

PandaFeet Fri 07-Feb-14 23:15:31

He is an adult. He can do what he likes. Why should he have to justify it to you?

RonaldMcDonald Fri 07-Feb-14 23:32:33

you are both adults and can do as you please.

If it's a deal breaker for you and he doesn't take your views seriously then you must leave
you cannot make him share your views but you can get him to respect them

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 23:44:55

You are fully entitled to have boundaries and expectations in your relationship.

You are also fully entitled to expect not to be lied to.

I personally would express my boundaries clearly, stating why I feel the way I do and the consequences of my boundaries being trampled.

I would however go fucking loopy about being lied to and the lying proves he knew your boundaries and disregarded them anyway. I hate liars. Liars only lie because what they want is more important than the other persons needs and they decide to do it anyway.

GTA5MASTER Sat 08-Feb-14 07:40:45

My husband was porn mad before he met me. I did express that I was anti porn and I expected him to respect my wishes which he didn't do unfortunately. In the end I actually explained the nitty gritty of why I did not want him watching porn and reminded him he had a daughter and how he would feel if she was exploited and that did the job. He said he just thought I was being a prude, he didn't realise the dark side of the porn industry.
I think you need to explain your reasons clearly op and maybe when he understands he won't trample all over your views.

Dosydoly Sat 08-Feb-14 08:27:32

I really really struggle to understand why your oh watching porn is such a huge problem?! You don't like it so you don't watch it, I don't like eastenders so I don't watch it but I'm not crying my eyes out about anyone else watching it. Or is it the fact he's lying?

Joysmum Sat 08-Feb-14 09:07:05

Dosydoly there is a general concensus on here that all porn is exploitative and that the women in the industry either don't have the intelligence or the power to have made the choice for themselves and are victims and must have been coerced. Even when challenged on this, it then usually emerges that even if they could be sure this wasn't so, they are anti porn for other reasons but that's the one they'll state as being the actual reason anyway.

Many aren't secure enough in their own relationship (I wasn't to start with).

Many also see any sort of sex and titilation as to be exclusively between those in the relationship, foresaking all others (I was to start with).

I would never to to persuade anybody to change their minds about what is acceptable to them, but the are many miscomprehensions when it comes to sex but it's such an emotive subject that raises insecurity that many rely on concern for the women in the industry as the reason because that turns the attention away from the other reasons.

gildedcage Sat 08-Feb-14 10:46:16

Personally while I dislike Porn...I'm not the thought police and cannot control anyone elses actions. To me its the secrets and lies that are erosive. It seems to me however that he has at least been honest and open with you...

Dosydoly Sat 08-Feb-14 21:39:32

Thanks joysmum that was very helpful and informative for a newbie.

daisydee43 Sat 08-Feb-14 23:05:37

My dd started watching porn when I was 5 months pg so you can imagine my feelings when he said its cos I was pg. I did check his phone internet and emails for a while but after I confronted him it fazed out. I watched the clips and was horrified and did go thru a stage of wearing sexy undies!? Although my best friend did say at the time that her and her partner watched porn together?

jnl0612 Sun 09-Feb-14 02:53:40

I don't get why porn is a problem.
You sound high maintenance.
Let the poor bloke watch it
Maybe you should give it a go too wink

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 06:38:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 09-Feb-14 13:17:45

Who cares what you think ? OP has a problem with it and that is her choice to make. Spectacularly unhelpful soundbites.

PandaFeet Sun 09-Feb-14 13:29:48

If the OPs partner had a problem with her going shopping on a saturday and reacted like this about it, he would be called controlling.

If the OP has problems with porn then she needs to be with a man who shares her views, not huff and cry at a partner who doesn't see a problem with it.

Laquitar Sun 09-Feb-14 15:02:58

Daisy
i know i shouldn't laugh but i did with your typo. Embryos like porn? Your dd wad very advanced.
OP i agree with the poster who said to explain to your dp the reasons you don't like it.

brokenhearted55a Sun 09-Feb-14 15:29:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 15:43:21

It would be a deal breaker for me. I don't get turned on by watching the objectification, and possible assault, humiliation and exploitation, of women. And I don't find people who do attractive.

And no, being anti-porn does not mean I am anti-sex, anti-masturbation or insecure in myself or my relationship. On the contrary, most porn is anti-women and anti-sex (if by sex you are thinking of fun, healthy and mutually satisfying sex).

daisydee43 Sun 09-Feb-14 16:41:25

Laquitar - wtf?

Joysmum Sun 09-Feb-14 16:46:58

I don't get turned on by those things either Logg1e and if my DH or I did, then it would be a deal breaker. That's why we are selective in our viewing.

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 17:20:45

And that is always the problem Joy, you can't be sure.

Does anyone else remember the poor woman who discovered that her husband had posted their private sex videos on the internet? She hadn't even wanted to do them in the first place. She found them on more than one site and even had to read the comments about her, left by porn users.
You had the audacity to post on her support thread Joy, whilst elsewhere extolling the virtues of homemade porn.

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