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how to rebuild trust?after lying?

(27 Posts)
trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 11:46:13

we have a lot of problems and I have lost my DH's trust.
My DH and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have 2 DDs.

I have lied about my drinking and money.last year was really bad. I was drinking and lying about it and lying about money, where it went what we had etc.
now we have talked about it, we have argued about it and cried about it but there is a huge elephant in the room now. He says he cant trust me about anything now. He is going over everything in his head now as is convinced that I have lied about everything. he believes that i have done everything imaginable. I know he is hurt and frustrated and I know I'm to blame but for the last few months I have really cut down on my drinking going to group meetings.
Money isnt a problem as I have no access to any money now. If i do any shopping at the weekend I take x amount buy stuff and bring back the receipt and change for him to look at. during the week i have travel pass and packed lunch.
i dont know what to do.
last night I, thought innocently, suggested that I take a bank card as there is a bank near my work to take money out so he wouldnt have to do it as both dds are currently ill at home as we have very little cash at home. this would save him going out tonight when i get home.
he then accused me of obviously wanting to go out for lunch, who was i meeting, I couldnt be trusted to not buy a drink.
I really thought taking cash out with receipt would be ok.
he then slept on the sofa and will be doing so for the near future he says!
I dont know how I can rebuild trust. It probably doesnt help that he is at the moment a SAHD due to stress and depression and I'm the one going out to work every day.
Every conversation is about how he cant trust/believe/like me. he wants me to explain the when where and why I had a drink/spent money over the last year. I have then he asks me to repeat again what I have done sometimes it might not be exactly the same eg i had 2 drinks .. then i had 3 drinks cue more arguments you're still lying. I'm not I just cant remember last January 13.
He askes and phones me several times a day about this and goes on about how he wants me to bring the subject up not for it always to be him about how we can fix it i dont know how and cant start a conversation about it cause you never shut up about it
we are stuck in limbo between he want to know how i can fix it to he wants to leave.
HELP I dont know what to do anymore, im sick and tired of talking about it we've been talking about it for about 5 months now thats all we talk about we can barely make polite conversation anymore that isnt factual or about kids.

Honeysweet Fri 07-Feb-14 16:22:42

I think that if I were you I would ask him outright if he still loves you.

If he does, then I think I would write down how you think things have to be between you. He may not agree to everything, but at least it would start to open up lines of communication better than they are at present.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:57:24

If you're in the uk he should get HB if he has no income and is looking after dc. My h pays child support and the mortgage on the house which is in his name only and for his living costs. I get tax credits and we're all better off weirdly.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:54:06

Yes, he needs a more productive outlet for his feelings I think whether you stay together or not. It's good you have help with your drinking. Have you talked to them about what's going on with dh?

gildedcage Fri 07-Feb-14 14:43:32

I feel like I have some empathy for your husband. I am in a similar position at the moment. I adore my DH however he has lied both to my face and by ommission. This has devastated me as fundamentally I hate liars. However I have decided to move forward with him and therefore I cannot use this as a stick with which to beat him. Ultimately my husband has made the changes I asked for and is doing everything he can, which sounds like you. At the end of it only I can now decide how to proceed. ..likewise it is for your husband to consider his feelings you cannot really do more. I am considering counselling for me, might this be something that would help your husband to discuss his feelings with a third party.

trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 14:24:51

I do have support with my drinking and have been advised to cut down with the intention of cutting down to a couple of drinks a week.
He does have things he can do he keeps up with his skills and is learning new ones. He is planning to go back to work when he feels able.

I dont think either of us would qualify for housing benefit, if he left I would need to cover his rent if he wasnt working.
A bedsit idea is a possibility to consider.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:49:51

Have you had support with your drinking?

AmazingJumper Fri 07-Feb-14 13:41:34

He could get housing benefit.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:40:38

You need to prepare for when the tenancy ends and I would go to CAB and see if you can have a hypothetical benefits check. If you lived separately would he be the main carer and claim some benefits do you think?

I'm the SAHP and relate to what you say about pick up/drop off. He probably would benefit from filling up that time with some study or voluntary work perhaps?

My h and I split in sept and he has moved into a bedsit over the road. We still get on well but the relationship was definitely over, he comes for breakfast and I still cook his tea, he stays over on important dates like Christmas and birthdays. It doesn't have to be a massive acrimonious change if you split if you both work to make it work.

Some space might be good if you can manage it, there seems to be a lot going on with both of you and even if you don't end up splitting forever a separation might give each of you space to work on yourselves so that you can come back together stronger. Alternatively too much may have gone on and separating might make each of you happier.

bragmatic Fri 07-Feb-14 13:35:07

You said you'd 'cut down' on your drinking.

That was a big red flag for me.

trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 13:32:36

yes he is getting support with his depression and it is getting better but I think he's finding the hours between drop off and pick up really bad as it gives his the time to fester.

As he said its like we have an huge open wound- he keeps taking off the dressing and poking it- i keep covering it up and hope it gets better on its own. we need a plan to make it better or a plan to cut it off

We havent investigated splitting up now as we rent which will end in july and we are only on one income at the moment. it would be unaffordable to have 2 places now

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:21:01

When you say you can't afford to separate have you been to CAB or anything to really investigate this? Obviously feeling trapped in a relationship is going to exacerbate all this.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:19:00

Is he getting support with his depression? It can be very lonely being a SAHP when you are mentally healthy but it can be toxic when combined with depression.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:13:12

And I loathe lying more than most things too, I just don't think people should punish their partners for mistakes, that's not something people have a right to do to someone they are choosing to continue a relationship with and it is a way of killing the relationship. Obviously people want to and do when they've been hurt but it is wrong.

So taking control of something one partner isn't capable of doing with their consent is ok but taking control of something in order to use it to punish or control a partner who has hurt you is bad.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:08

I'm going to break with the rest of the thread I think.

What you did was wrong and your choices have really broken his trust. You seem to know this though. I don't think he gets to have free reign to punish you though. You mayst not allow yourself to be beaten down because you've done something wrong.

He is not dealing with this appropriately by the sound of things. I'm concerned by what you say about the degree of financial control he has taken and the serious lack of trust/suspicion he is displaying.

Of course if this is how he feels then it is how he feels but it means the relationship is not viable I'm afraid.

If you are going to continue he needs to allow you to prove you can be trusted by letting you have some control and he needs to be able to forgive you otherwise you should make the decision to split up IMO.

FolkGirl Fri 07-Feb-14 12:47:21

It sounds like he feels really trapped in a shitty situation he neither wants, nor created.

I feel really sorry for him. I loathe lying more than pretty much anything else.

trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 12:45:04

I really dont think he does love me. but at this moment in time we cannot afford to separate. as he comes from a shitty family background where when he was a teenager he had to go and live with his grandparents who were still together but lived apart and my family are still together but detest each other. We both worry about the effect it is having on the girls and whether being miserable together is better than being apart.
neither of us can see a way forward. and i know its my fault but being ranted about this several times a day and calling me constantley at work isnt helping either of us.

mrsjrob Fri 07-Feb-14 12:12:00

Keep going with the meetings, receipts etc and importantly keep communication open he has to feel reassured that your being honest, if that means going over and over the same things then it must be done.

He obviously loves you or he wouldn't still be there but eventually he has to let go either of the lies or you. I feel for you both and hope you can work it out x

FolkGirl Fri 07-Feb-14 12:10:43

There isn't really anything you can do other than be honest and hope that, in the end, enough time will have passed that he can begin to trust you again.

As for what you can do or say to prove it in the mean time. There isn't anything really.

Like we all said.

Honeysweet Fri 07-Feb-14 12:06:59

im asking for how i can prove it

Time

trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 12:05:47

im asking for how i can prove it. i'm not expecting him to "just" trust again but how to go about rebuilding trust.
neither of us can go anywhere we are stck with each other for at least the next 6 months when our tennancy runs out. where we move to if we move together or apart needs to be discussed.

Honeysweet Fri 07-Feb-14 12:04:41

Trust has to be earned.
And that takes time.

You need to be gentle with him and very patient to have a hope of overcoming this.
And if that means saying the same things over and over, then so be it.

You are fortunate to still be there.
And he must deep down want you to be there too.

FolkGirl Fri 07-Feb-14 11:59:30

He keeps going on at you about it because he's trying to understand and he's trying to protect himself and he's hoping that the next time you say it he'll believe it and he's looking for proof. He clearly wants to believe you or he'd have gone.

He's never going to happy, content or feel secure while he's with you because you will never be able to prove it. And yes, in a way he's punishing you for this, because he doesn't like the fact that the way he feels is down to your behaviour.

I suspect you're hoping people will come on here and tell you he's being abusive and he should just trust you again. And I imagine some people will. But having been where he is I know just how damaging those sorts of lies can be. They threaten your security in a very fundamental way.

The only way you can rebuild trust is by never lying, concealing or lying by omission ever again.
If he sticks around, that is.

FolkGirl Fri 07-Feb-14 11:56:33

Honestly? I don't blame him. I was in your husband's position. My husband lied and lied and eroded any trust or faith I had in him. There is nothing he could have done that would ever have rebuilt it.

I'm better off without him...

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