Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

how to rebuild trust?after lying?

(27 Posts)
trustgone Fri 07-Feb-14 11:46:13

we have a lot of problems and I have lost my DH's trust.
My DH and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have 2 DDs.

I have lied about my drinking and money.last year was really bad. I was drinking and lying about it and lying about money, where it went what we had etc.
now we have talked about it, we have argued about it and cried about it but there is a huge elephant in the room now. He says he cant trust me about anything now. He is going over everything in his head now as is convinced that I have lied about everything. he believes that i have done everything imaginable. I know he is hurt and frustrated and I know I'm to blame but for the last few months I have really cut down on my drinking going to group meetings.
Money isnt a problem as I have no access to any money now. If i do any shopping at the weekend I take x amount buy stuff and bring back the receipt and change for him to look at. during the week i have travel pass and packed lunch.
i dont know what to do.
last night I, thought innocently, suggested that I take a bank card as there is a bank near my work to take money out so he wouldnt have to do it as both dds are currently ill at home as we have very little cash at home. this would save him going out tonight when i get home.
he then accused me of obviously wanting to go out for lunch, who was i meeting, I couldnt be trusted to not buy a drink.
I really thought taking cash out with receipt would be ok.
he then slept on the sofa and will be doing so for the near future he says!
I dont know how I can rebuild trust. It probably doesnt help that he is at the moment a SAHD due to stress and depression and I'm the one going out to work every day.
Every conversation is about how he cant trust/believe/like me. he wants me to explain the when where and why I had a drink/spent money over the last year. I have then he asks me to repeat again what I have done sometimes it might not be exactly the same eg i had 2 drinks .. then i had 3 drinks cue more arguments you're still lying. I'm not I just cant remember last January 13.
He askes and phones me several times a day about this and goes on about how he wants me to bring the subject up not for it always to be him about how we can fix it i dont know how and cant start a conversation about it cause you never shut up about it
we are stuck in limbo between he want to know how i can fix it to he wants to leave.
HELP I dont know what to do anymore, im sick and tired of talking about it we've been talking about it for about 5 months now thats all we talk about we can barely make polite conversation anymore that isnt factual or about kids.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:57:24

If you're in the uk he should get HB if he has no income and is looking after dc. My h pays child support and the mortgage on the house which is in his name only and for his living costs. I get tax credits and we're all better off weirdly.

Honeysweet Fri 07-Feb-14 16:22:42

I think that if I were you I would ask him outright if he still loves you.

If he does, then I think I would write down how you think things have to be between you. He may not agree to everything, but at least it would start to open up lines of communication better than they are at present.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now