Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Single mum survival stories

(19 Posts)
Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 21:39:49

Sorry for the dramatic title ,I wasn't sure how to word it. I would be interested to hear your story if you have been through a divorce etc and how things worked out for you .

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 06-Feb-14 21:41:09

why? where are we going to see them reprinted?

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 21:44:38

Oops sorry i didnt realise i sounded like a journalist! Its just for me I just wanted to hear how women how moved on after divorce . Seems impossible to me. I did post last week regarding EA but asked for it to be removed.

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 21:45:16

Have*

Diagonally Thu 06-Feb-14 21:51:38

What's holding you back, do you think?

And yes it's fine being a single parent. Hard work sometimes, but always better than being in a relationship that you don't want to be in.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 06-Feb-14 21:52:13

I remember your post last week...how are you?

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 21:55:01

Soo many things i love him! I married for life. I never had a dad growing up. My children have everything i could ever of dreamed of growing up. Things are great 90% of the time but 10% of the time they are horrendous.

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 21:56:48

Hi mamma things are really good right now. Hes being lovely to me. But i know this wont last.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 22:04:00

We are surviving nicely thanks!

Terrifying at first, couldn't see a way through but knew I couldn't stay with stbxh either. Took it a day at a time, week at a time, now month at a time. When things were bad, took it minute by minute! Having a counsellor helped, was money well spent.

And actually once things settle down, really enjoying (single) family life now. Money worries though, and have to handle any stressful situations with home/kids myself... And whenever I tell off eldest he says he will move in with dad! But infinitely better than living rest of life married to an angry abusive man.

Are you planning to get out?

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 22:10:25

Thank you scooby . No im not planning too , however i feel my husband wants me to. I just need to know it can be done and i will survive.

I rely on him for everything.i also can't see myself being with a man again. I would love to be with a woman but it would'nt be possible and i think i have this fantasy that a woman would never do what he has done.

BeCool Thu 06-Feb-14 22:17:33

You will often hear that being a SP is hard. But I disagree. Being a parent is hard - whether you are single or not.

Being a SP is a lot easier than being in a dysfunctional or abusive or unsatisfactory relationship. I was in a state of confusion for years before realising what was going on wasn't simply living with the torment of a loving but slightly fucked up partner, but EA (thanks MN). Being free from that is a huge relief and makes life much easier. The DC are also easier, though I have to be organised and they do still have the off "I want Daddy to live here" wobble.

The hardest thing is lack of personal freedom - staying in most nights during the week, not being able to go for a swim (actual lengths rather than splashing with the DC) or the gym. But I am dealing with that. I am inviting people over, I like my own company anyway. I still use TV as too much of a crutch, but I am moving slowly to a place that is more about me now. On the plus side the DC are with their Dad every 2nd weekend, so I get to socialise and have 'me' time then

I work FT and I am very grateful for the excellent childcare I have in place.

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 22:24:41

Thank you becool for sharing your story. I think my fears lie in my upbringing. My mum divorced my abusive dad when i was 4 . We lived in a horrible council house . My mum had several degrees but wanted to raise us rather than work. Which i do understand ,however i went to an awful school was often very hungry and if im honest desparate for male attention. I dont want my girls to be like me.

scoobydoonot Thu 06-Feb-14 22:31:32

Making one choice similar to your mum's doesn't mean you have to make all her choices, or that your kids will have your upbringing.
Do you work now, or can you take steps to get a job?
I didn't think I could ever sleep with another man, and thought about dating women...but am now seeing a lovely man who treats me well and adds to my life rather than takes away from it

mcmooncup Thu 06-Feb-14 23:10:37

I don't know why everyone doesn't do it <flippant>

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 23:14:00

I was not married....

Pesca Thu 06-Feb-14 23:14:44

No i dont work . I have no qualifications.

scoobydoonot Fri 07-Feb-14 01:09:09

Ok. When I first split from stbxh I had no job and was desperate. I got a v low paid job cleaning, worked 16 hours per week so I could top up earnings with working tax credit and earn -almost- enough to survive on. I did fall to pieces and get back with stbxh after a while...but I carried on working, then the second (and final) time we separated I was in a much better position. Having a job makes it easier to get a better one, now I'm doing a more enjoyable job (still badly paid, but fun at least), I think it was one of the best moves I ever made taking the cleaning job.

Can you plan to put yourself in a better position? Either apply for a job you can do now, or do a little voluntary work? Have you looked into benefits?

What do you mean when you say you rely on him for everything? Can you take some of that power back?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 07-Feb-14 05:32:40

With respect, I don't think the testimony of others is really going to help you because your problem is fear. I'm sure, if you did some simple research, you'd find that you wouldn't be condemned to a horrible council house, poverty and repeating your childhood experiences. I'm equally sure that, without him crushing your spirit and if you were forced to stand on your own two feet, you'd find you'd be motivated to improve your qualifications or you'd get a job you enjoyed. However, if you are held back by self-doubt and your self-esteem is poor the sad truth is you'll never voluntarily exit the relationship, even if things get worse and worse.

BeCool Fri 07-Feb-14 09:59:59

My Dad left us when I was 11. I understand re craving male attention.

I think the best gift we can give our DD's is self confidence and self belief. To do that you need to have self confidence and self belief, they will learn from you. So maybe that is where you start?

Is there an area you would like to train in, studies you would like to undertake to move towards being in work? It may seem daunting but you can study part time. The time will pass anyway. In a few years you can be who you are, or you can be who you are with a new qualification.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now