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How common is it to completely lose your sex drive as soon as you have children and can you ever get it back?

(24 Posts)
beccy21 Fri 07-Feb-14 16:38:00

The same thing happened to me! I can't even bring myself to do it just to keep my partner happy! I just really am not interested! I don't know if he will get fed up of waiting and go else where or what! I could happily go for the rest of my life without it!!

desperatelyseekingsolace Fri 07-Feb-14 14:44:42

I recognise a lot of this... I used to have a very high sex drive, and while it hasn't totally disappeared I noticed a massive step change down after having a child.

It is partly to do with my H having deteriorated but it's more than that.

Probably sounds a bit daft but at some level sex started to feel a metaphysically pointless. I found the thought of having to switch gear from the mode of loving a child to the mode of feeling like a sex kitten really wrong in some way.

The expression of love you give to a child just seemed vastly superior to the expression of love you give to a partner through sex. I know they are not the same thing but I found the contrast very hard to avoid.

But again, may have a lot to do with my issues with my H.

Keepithidden Fri 07-Feb-14 14:39:12

Very helpful thanks Offred, apologies if it was a bit personal.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written, from both your perspective and his unfortunately.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:36:06

It was definitely psychological with me. I just didn't want to have sex with him. Have since discovered, even being on sex drive killing hormonal contraception, that I do want to have sex, just not with him.

Finally realised this after I realised I was pretending to be asleep so we wouldn't have sex.

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 14:32:49

With hindsight it was never right. Not completely down to him tbh I brought some issues and so did he but the combination was unhappy for me. I think he was relatively happy, he was very unhappy to split. His issue was lack of confidence/self-esteem so he was always intimidated by me but he was used to feeling like that so it wasn't a relationship problem for him IYSWIM.

Being honest and with hindsight he was unthreatening to me after a history of childhood abuse and adult abusive relationships but the things that made him unthreatening also made me unhappy and it sort of came to a head when we had the twins and I realised he wasn't a stable secure person but deeply insecure and often PA and that the sex and communication was never going to get better because he was happy with it.

He was very unconfident, would never touch me, only wanted it around twice a month, was very roll on roll off because he was terrified I think. It made me feel rejected and unsatisfied. He would not talk to me and wouldn't consider me an equal in decisions I felt. I think he felt he was expected to make all the decisions alone and That women hate men and don't want to listen to them.

He was modelling his parents' relationship which is like that.

When I had the twins I just realised I didn't have any desire any more. Thought for a while it was a problem with me, eventually realised it was the relationship. What had been happening was he had fallen into a pattern of 'being married' which modelled his parents and I was running around trying to relate to him and make things lovely which just freaked him out because he didn't understand it.

I'm not sure if that's helpful for anyone? It's a very individual experience!

Thurlow Fri 07-Feb-14 14:11:08

My libido is a lot lower, though I put it down to just being tired and busy most of the time.

But the one weird thing I have noticed is that the only time I am interested is when I'm fertile. The rest of the time I couldn't care less, but there are two or three days (when I know I'm most fertile) when I am interested.

It's probably completely normal, but it's only since having DC that I've noticed it.

Keepithidden Fri 07-Feb-14 14:06:01

Hope you don't mind me hijacking the thread slightly OP, it is related, I think DW is in a similar position to you. Our littlest is now 2.5 years and I don't think her libido has been around for about 6 years now (eldest is 5.5 years).

I just wanted to ask Offred, did your partner think anything was wrong? Also, was it just post pregnancy when it went wrong, or was it prior to that?

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:55:36

It took me those four years to realise the relationship was wrong btw. If you'd have asked me after the dts were born I would have said everything was fine. It wasn't. He wasn't a shit, he's a decent guy but he's not right for me and the relationship had real problems (communication and sex mainly).

Offred Fri 07-Feb-14 13:52:53

When I had this it was because there were problems with my relationship. I did force myself to get back on the horse so to speak but I never really regained the sexual feelings for my h. We split in sept (4 years after having the dts). My sexual desire for new bf is not a problem.

Cakebaker35 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:49:36

I was like this after I had my dd, just couldn't care less and didn't want to know, which was not what I was like before. Dh and i did have sex around 3 times in the first year after dd arrived, but i really only did it to try to keep dh happy and also i thought if i did it i might start feeling differently. Then when dd was about 14mo suddenly there it was again, it did return and I was so relieved, just felt like I was back to me again. So I know it's difficult but try not to worry and give your body and yourself a chance to adjust.

Dahlen Fri 07-Feb-14 13:10:08

Viagra doesn't actually help with feeling arousal, only the mechanics of blood flow. There is talk about releasing a female version if Viagra but if the reason you're getting physically aroused is because of lack of desire, it probably won't help much, sorry.

The vast majority of libido problems are psychological in nature, so you would be unusual if that's not the case, which is probably why you aren't getting taken seriously by the health professionals. Even if you don't think it's psychological it may be but not easy to work out, which is worth thinking about, but I'm going to take you at face value and believe that your problems are physical.

You seem pretty adamant that it's linked to childbirth and the urge to have sex is in part controlled by hormones, so if you've ruled out all other causes, I'd say your problem will almost certainly come down to your hormone balance.

Are you breast-feeding? That can have quite an effect. Are you taking any other medication? Are you using any form of hormonal contraception? If so, consider changing or stopping altogether and using barrier methods.

Do you have any other hormone-related symptoms? E.g unwanted hair growth/changes, more painful/heavier periods than normal, more headaches, cycle-related anxiety, etc.

You could go back to the Dr and ask for hormone tests to be run. In some cases your Doctor will report only a minor change and tell you it's well within normal range and not significant enough for the Dr to be concerned about, let alone prescribe treatment. However, even in this range it can be enough to cause a loss of libido, the same as those suffering with underactive thyroids often experience awful symptoms before their levels are measured sufficiently low to warrant treatment.

Unfortunately, if you fall in this bracket, the only thing you can do is really work on your physical health and hope you're one of the lucky ones for whom being in optimum health is enough for your hormones to reset to properly functioning levels. Stop alcohol, eat an optimum diet and exercise regularly. You can also try to boost your oestrogen and testosterone levels by eating foods believed to boost these levels or buying supplements claiming to do the same.

Good luck.

wontletmesignin Fri 07-Feb-14 09:19:11

The doctor kept telling me it can take a year for your body and hormones to regulate.
So if it has been less than a year, maybe that is the reason?

whitetigerlily Fri 07-Feb-14 09:06:05

"Like a switch had been turned off". That's exactly it oblomov- thanks for understanding and I'm sorry you feel the same way.

BumgrapesofWrath Fri 07-Feb-14 04:41:59

I feel similar OP. I had a very high sex drive that has almost completely disappeared. I say almost, because when I'm ovulating I fancy it for a day or two, but not the rest of the time.

No answers here I'm afraid.

Oblomov Fri 07-Feb-14 04:20:06

I had and still have this. Like a switch had been tuned off. I wouldn't care if I never had it again. I feel do sad. Thus can't be right. I feel even more sad for my lovely dh.
I have been to see my GP. She had little suggestions.
So am all ears to anyone else's suggestions.

whitetigerlily Fri 07-Feb-14 03:48:03

I'm not happy it is a huge loss. Like part of me is missing. I think if I was a man I would get more help from the dr. As I'm a woman I just get told its stress etc.

WaitingForMe Thu 06-Feb-14 21:44:49

I think regardless of how common it is, if you're not happy then seek help. Whether it's via a GP, women's clinic or counselling I've no idea but there's probably an answer. Surely the only matter here is whether OP is happy or not.

piklepants Thu 06-Feb-14 21:40:43

Completely agree with in pursuit happiness it can take it out of u being with demanding little people all day the last thing I want once they are asleep is dp to start up . I quite often longed to be single just for that time of peace after kids were asleep!

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Thu 06-Feb-14 21:11:41

Well, I for one went right off the boil when I had my kids and only got back on it, so to speak, when my youngest was 4. I think little people are quite demanding of us Mums physically and there is just not anything left at the end of a day. I just wanted to be left alone and not 'mauled over'.

GiniCooper Thu 06-Feb-14 21:10:54

What do you get to do for yourself?

I found once I got out, joined a class and exercised LOADS my libido came racing back.
I know it sounds simplistic but if I don't get out for a run the first thing that takes a hit is our sex life. I mean, I really, really need to work at getting it back.

SwimmingClose Thu 06-Feb-14 21:07:33

I didn't lose my sex drive at all, on the contrary.

Which was inconvenient, as I didn't have a partner!

For some people their sex lives get better, maybe more intense, or meaningful?

I think it really depends from woman to woman, and depends on a lot of factors.

piklepants Thu 06-Feb-14 21:03:54

It's strange mine used to be high too and it came back after first two but after third,well I just don't feel the need! Also I think dp bit of a selfish git which turns me off too. Maybe if I were single to de stress and find someone new it would come back. But that doesn't really help u does it??! If u don't want to split up it must be a worry,where as I'm just hoping it might sign post the end of our relationship. . .do u get time to relax? Time to yourself?

navada Thu 06-Feb-14 20:49:53

It's very common, after my dc were born I honestly couldn't have cared less if I never had sex again. over 20 years on my feelings haven't changed & I only have sex to keep dh happy.

whitetigerlily Thu 06-Feb-14 20:43:50

This is not about breast feeding, a traumatic birth, relationship problems or exhaustion.

Before I had my first child 3 years ago I had a very high sex drive. It literally disappeared overnight, as if a nerve has been severed, and its never come back.

I have no inclination to have sex now whatsoever and it breaks my heart.

Is there any cure for this? I mean medically- have tried sex therapy. It's definitely a physical problem. I just do not feel aroused at all.

Can women take Viagra type medication?

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