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I have my friend here in tears re her dps behaviour - who is BU?

(79 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:16:17

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU and this is more a relationship topic.

My friend turned up about an hour ago (an hours drive from where she stays, I was shocked to see her) very upset about an argument she has had with her dp tonight. I have asked her if she would like me to ask for advice on here for her and she has agreed, I hope it doesn't confuse things because I'm writing it on her behalf

Background - she has been with him for 9 years, they have 6yo twin boys together. He is a bit of a twat with a drink in him. Very flirty, forgets he isn't single and acts like a teenager. They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. Recently, he has been staying in more and helping more because of the arguments they have been having. He has taken responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour and is trying to make amends. He had an affair about
2 years ago with a woman he met in the pub. She knew fine well he was married and obviously so did he but they started a relationship anyway. My friend found out, they split up but after counselling they decided to move house and start fresh.

Her dp has been invited to a house party tomorrow night in a town 15 miles away from where they live. There is no public transport home after 8pm,its quite rural. He only told her about it tonight and she said that it wasn't really fair etc. She had a look at the event on Facebook (her dps friend had made an event with everyone who was invited displayed) and it turns out the woman he had an affair with will be there.

My friend is very upset that her dp would even consider going to a party when his ex ow would be attending. Especially a house party.

He said he is going and he will be staying over but nothing will happen with ex ow he won't even speak to her etc.

My friend is the first to admit she doesn't Trust him 100% anymore and she definitely doesn't Trust ex ow.

Is she being unreasonable asking him not to go?

I'm trying my hardest to just listen and not give advice but I am so angry with him and can totally see where she is coming from.

Neutral advice would be amazing thank you all in advance

Fudgeface123 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:55:36

If he has to go, and I don't think he should, why couldn't he get a taxi home? It's only 15 miles away, not the the other side of the country

YellowTulips Fri 07-Feb-14 00:27:29

Get home....really?

I guess that's because he is missing his usually Friday night haunt.

What an utter knobhead.

If I was your friend I wouldn't go back until Sunday. She needs to start seizing control from this disrespectful asshole.

On Monday I'd be at the Solicitors, come home, change the locks and dump his crap on the lawn (whilst praying for rain).

Happy she has some (wonderful) RL support in you OP thanks

ChippingInWadesIn Fri 07-Feb-14 00:47:53

'Get home' pfft. She did exactly the right thing switching off her phone.

Be prepared ... If anyone remembers my threads you will know I've been through similar recently... for him to use you and your situation against you, to tell her that you just want her to 'be like you' and that 'the grass isn't greener' etc.

I really, really hope she is strong enough to kick him out.

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 07-Feb-14 13:07:34

He's only half-married, if that. He has a social life set up to exclude your friend; he had an affair, and expressed remorse but didn't actually make any of the kinds of changes one would expect if he truly regretted it; he's now doing hurtful things designed to give him the opportunity to cheat (overnight party where lots of married people meet up without their partners? Ahem). Your friend is more nanny/housekeeper than wife really.

Her options are put up with it or tell him to leave. I can't see that trying to get him to make changes will work, because it doesn't sound as though he wants to make changes.

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