Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have my friend here in tears re her dps behaviour - who is BU?

(79 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 06-Feb-14 19:16:17

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU and this is more a relationship topic.

My friend turned up about an hour ago (an hours drive from where she stays, I was shocked to see her) very upset about an argument she has had with her dp tonight. I have asked her if she would like me to ask for advice on here for her and she has agreed, I hope it doesn't confuse things because I'm writing it on her behalf

Background - she has been with him for 9 years, they have 6yo twin boys together. He is a bit of a twat with a drink in him. Very flirty, forgets he isn't single and acts like a teenager. They rarely go out together, he goes out every Friday and Saturday night with 'the lads'. Recently, he has been staying in more and helping more because of the arguments they have been having. He has taken responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour and is trying to make amends. He had an affair about
2 years ago with a woman he met in the pub. She knew fine well he was married and obviously so did he but they started a relationship anyway. My friend found out, they split up but after counselling they decided to move house and start fresh.

Her dp has been invited to a house party tomorrow night in a town 15 miles away from where they live. There is no public transport home after 8pm,its quite rural. He only told her about it tonight and she said that it wasn't really fair etc. She had a look at the event on Facebook (her dps friend had made an event with everyone who was invited displayed) and it turns out the woman he had an affair with will be there.

My friend is very upset that her dp would even consider going to a party when his ex ow would be attending. Especially a house party.

He said he is going and he will be staying over but nothing will happen with ex ow he won't even speak to her etc.

My friend is the first to admit she doesn't Trust him 100% anymore and she definitely doesn't Trust ex ow.

Is she being unreasonable asking him not to go?

I'm trying my hardest to just listen and not give advice but I am so angry with him and can totally see where she is coming from.

Neutral advice would be amazing thank you all in advance

CailinDana Thu 06-Feb-14 19:18:03

My only advice would be for her to dump him.

nosleeptillbedtime Thu 06-Feb-14 19:20:03

I would expect my dh to decline an invitation to this party. Your friend is not being unreasonable.

Flexiblefriend Thu 06-Feb-14 19:21:25

No she's not being unreasonable, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like he gives a toss about her feelings, so he will probably go ahead and do what he wants anyway. From the sound of things she is right not to trust him.

wombat22 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:21:49

It's outrageous that he would even consider going, let alone staying overnight shock

AcrylicPlexiglass Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:01

Sinbu in the slightest. Poor her. I think if he cannot see why he should not go and does not care how she feels about it then she needs to think seriously about leaving him. He sounds supremely selfish at best and I think it is entirely possible that he is again sleeping with the colleague in question at worst.

AmberLeaf Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:06

She isn't being unreasonable asking him not to go, but, TBH she also wouldn't be being unreasonable in telling him to leave/ending their relationship.

He knows why she is uncomfortable with this and he doesn't give a fuck.

I'd tell him to go tomorrow night...and keep on going.

ChazzerChaser Thu 06-Feb-14 19:22:15

If they went to counselling and agreed to start afresh that should include her partner being mindful of how he has breached trust previously and so should do everything he can to rebuild that. That includes not going to a party with the woman he cheated with if that is what she asks. She shouldn't need to do more than just say how she feels and ask.

Branleuse Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:04

She needs to dump him

MyArseIsbiggerThanYours Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:12

Your friend is not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.
Why hasn't she been invited to the party anyway?
If OW was there and she wasn't I would expect her dh, if he has any respect for her at all, to say no he wouldn't attend and he would understand why she would not want him to.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:21

If he is a DP then he is not married. Nor is she, and should tell him to go fuck off to his party and stay there. Only a twat would go, which he is.

SoleSource Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:32

He has yet again crossed a line by yet again feeling no respect for your friend's feelings. He has zero respect!

Easy for me to say.. I know but when he is at the party, gather his shit and throw the disrespectful, uncaring, cruel twat OUT!

Seek some therapy...you deserve way better than this miserable, fretful existence.

End it!

Joules68 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:38

House party? How old are they all?

cupcake78 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:24:33

Nope not acceptable and if her dh can't see that then he needs to go! He obviously hasn't learnt or grown up.

He should be crawling on his hands and knees to regain her trust. He doesn't give a shit and is out for himself.

On another note, why wasn't she invited to the party too?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 19:26:14

Tell her to LTB

Is she so desperate for a man she would tolerate this dickhead ?

Badvoc Thu 06-Feb-14 19:26:23

Yep.
Tell her to LTB.

Inertia Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:05

Her partner is utterly unreasonable. In his position, if he had any respect at all for your friend or for their relationship he wouldn't even consider going to be the party.

If he was my partner and he went and stayed over with his OW he'd be staying there permanently.

He is being Very U and she is not being U at all.

He should definitely not go, how could he even consider it might be ok to and stay overnight at a party where his ex ow is. I presume if your friend hadn't found out he would still be having the affair with the ow?

magoria Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:45

He is not a bit of a twat with a drink in him.

he is a selfish cheating wanker. Happy to bugger off out several nights a week leaving his P to do the lions share. Happy enough to cheat.

He clearly thinks he, his wants and desires come before his P.

He hasn't changed since he cheated. He still puts himself first and foremost.

She deserves better.

WeAreDetective Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:45

Yeah, he is BU. if he has any feelings for her and what he did, he wouldn't go

AGoodPirate Thu 06-Feb-14 19:28:46

Your friend is right to be furious about that.

Viviennemary Thu 06-Feb-14 19:29:29

She is being unreasonable if she even stays married to him. He sounds like a total waste of space. Let him go and make somebody else's life a misery. That would be my advice to her.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 19:30:43

Fuck the party. Even if your friend manages to guilt trip him into not going to this "sleepover" just the fact that he even considered it is a dealbreaker (in this context)

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Thu 06-Feb-14 19:31:03

If he's the type to cheat on her (and he is) then whether he goes to the party or not, he'll cheat if he wants to, when the opportunity presents itself.

How someone acts when they are drunk is who they are. Alcohol doesn't change you, it exposes you.

He is saying very clearly that he will do what he wants, go where he wants and it's simply tough luck if she doesn't like it.

well, that's his right of course. She can't force him to stop going out every friday and saturday. She can't make him not attend this house party and stay over with a woman he has previously betrayed her with and she can't make him care that the thought of that is painful for her and brings back heartbreaking memories.

No doubt he believes that he has done so very much and your friend should be grateful that he has started to 'help' (I do love it when they call maintaining their own home and caring for their own children 'helping')

Your friend has to decide whether she is willing to accept all that or not.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now