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Dp has upset me....

(54 Posts)
Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 16:46:34

Recently my birthday and I was upset to see dp scurrying out of the house to get a last minute card and gift on the morning.
Meanwhile our dd 3.5 was opening my cards with me and said "mummy I havn't got a card for you" and was a bit upset. So we sat and made one together. Dp comes back like bedraggled rat from the rain. Takes dd upstairs proceeds to wrap gift and write cards.
We have had a tough end of year and l expected a little more thought....I'd have loved him to take dd to buy or make a little gift and card....not rush around on the day.
Last year on my 40th he did the same....naff bad taste card.
He does work away quite a bit, but certainly has time to organise. This is someone who use to spend hours choosing cards/gifts.
He did book last minute theatre tickets but I just didn't want to go....it really upset me.
Yes he is great in so many ways....childcare, housework etc. He has apologised....but he did the same last year, so it just doesn't wash with me.
I know I'm being overly sensitive aren't I?

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 21:00:59

Thanks for all your replies much appreciated....
Not really that fussed re gifts etc ....more the lack of interest in involving dd.
No big deals of birthdays ever made growing up. Dp used to pull out all the stops ....we have been together almost 7 years so it doesn't seem like that long ago.
He came home tonight and we had a good chat about both making more efforts and he apologised again for his lack of thought regarding my birthdays....
He is a really kind, good man and an amazing daddy. I know I am so lucky in many ways.

Thanks again everyone

Wordsaremything Fri 07-Feb-14 19:50:44

How were birthdays celebrated when you were a child, op? And in your husband's family? Were you fussed over or ignored? Were you involved in the present-choosing/making for your parents as this seems very important to you?

For example I was taught never to expect anything and to do so was wrong. To this day I find giving and receiving presents exceptionally hard. Especially if I have to open them in front of others.

For you, gift giving has a very different significance, which is why I'm asking.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 07-Feb-14 19:37:10

I liked Sweetie's revenge!

These posts remind me of an advert (not sure what for - possibly cards). The woman takes hours looking for a suitable valentine's card in a shop for her partner. He dashes into the local garage shop , shrugs "this'll do" at the nearest card and of course she is thrilled that he remembered.

BlodynRose Fri 07-Feb-14 19:12:02

I think it's important to make a fuss of people on their birthdays if they like that. I do and my DH goes to town. Banner, cake, lots of presents and out to dinner. He on the other hand hates hid birthday and wants nothing special at all.

Overthinkerzzz Fri 07-Feb-14 10:22:43

I can definitely understand why you are upset. Your daughter was upset that she didn't have an opportunity to give you a card.

And I can't imagine ever forgetting my partners birthday. It's one fucking day. A day to treat your loved one so yes, I would be pissed

Joysmum Fri 07-Feb-14 09:57:56

I think this might be because his birthdays aren't that important to him. This is something I had when in the early days of my DH.

The only way is to explain how special it feels to you for him to celebrate you (as birthdays are to celebrate the person, not the day) once a year, and how hurt you feel when he doesn't.

From that he should do something because making you happy is his job as your husband, even if it's not his thing.

Quitelikely Fri 07-Feb-14 08:51:08

I don't get a present and sometimes buy my own card if it makes life easier for my dh. It's no biggie. Yeah it might be nice if he sorted it himself but its not a deal breaker for me.

You have so many positives in your relationships so if I were you I would focus on them.

GlitzAndGiggles Fri 07-Feb-14 08:45:02

A couple years back my dp had to go out for the morning on my birthday and I had naff all to open. When he got back he went in the cupboard where the cleaning products are stored and told me my cards there. I asked why and he said because he thought I would've gone in that cupboard that day shock. Yes cleaning is what excites me on my birthday, love

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 08:39:09

Thanks for replies....
No I don't think he expects a fuss over his birthday....certainly didnt want a fuss made of mine, just a tiny bit of thought.
Generally relationship just ticks along.

BlodynRose Fri 07-Feb-14 02:13:18

How is your relationship. Does he tell you and show you that he loves you?

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:24:35

It doesn't matter if they're not fussed about birthdays, they're probably fussed enough about other stuff. But dw and dm of dd is a different thing, who clearly is hurt by this.

OP, I know where you're at. sad

flowers

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:54

Show your life = show your love.

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 01:19:22

SGB, it shouldn't matter if HE isn't that fussed by Birthdays - it's important to the OP, and it matters to her. To show your life and care for someone, you pay attention to the things that THEY find important, even if they wouldn't be so important to you...

May have issues about Ex becoming more and more useless about my Birthdays having previously been really good, which evidenced the fact that get had mentally 'checked out' of the relationship, and what mattered to me was no longer important to him...

Some people just aren't very bothered about adult birthdays, at least if they don't have an 0 at the end. Does he expect a fuss to be made of his birthday?

Only1scoop Fri 07-Feb-14 00:40:21

Yes probably do need a bit of fun....even though spontaneity goes out of the window when you have a dc I know this isn't healthy. Good point.... Thanks

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 23:03:34

I wonder if the two of you would benefit from having some different and fun experiences together, re-connect in a inner child kind of thing. Bit like team building, paint balling, treasure hunts, I don't know, something that will encourage playfullness between you. Get out of that rut, but he needs to make an effort too.

Finney2 Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:03

Logg1e you expect the OP to give her husband advanced notice of her own birthday every year? Surely the date is, well, the same every year?!

She's told him it's important to her by being upset last year (and FFS she shouldn't have to actually tell him that he shoukd make sn effort for her birthday) and he's basically ignored that.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:27:43

It's been ok ....we just kind of tick along. Never really get out together. Just a bit in a rut I guess. I have sat down and talked to him about a few things and we are both keen to try and make things better.

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:16:43

How has it been between you both these last couple of years?

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 22:12:22

Well, you can either clearly communicate or you can expect him to read your mind and continue to be upset and let the resentment grow.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 22:03:58

I didn't spell it out to him. I think he knows after my 40th last year did the exact same thing then....I was quite upset by it then to be honest....
Always the most thoughtful man in the world ....until last couple of years....

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:58:48

But had you said, "It's really important to me to open cards and a couple of thoughtful token gifts on the morning of my birthday because it makes me feel cherished"? Did you spell it out to him?

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:54:39

Logg....yes he did know ....my friend in NZ had sent flowers which came the fri before <birthday was Sunday>

I will be doing that in April good idea grin

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:51:33

Did you remind him it was your birthday? I'm not excusing his thoughtlessness, but if it's important to you for your daughter to be involved and to have some little, thoughtful surprises you could remind him a couple of times the week before.

In April I would be tempted to wake up on his birthday and explain you'll be buying his card and making one with your daughter in time for him getting home that night.

Only1scoop Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:16

The....thanks for understanding....yes just a tiny bit of thought would have been nice....

Sweet....that's really funny I bet his face was a picture grin

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