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How long did you wait for your proposal?

(92 Posts)
Chocolateknickers Tue 04-Feb-14 07:59:52

I've been with my Dp for almost 5 years and and we have one DS together. When we first started dating we jokingly talked about marriage in the future but both decided it wasn't as important as having children to us. As the relationship got serious we stopped talking about marriage and I felt I'd be pressuring him by pushing the subject so I let it go. After about 18 months together we decided out of the blue to move in together and shortly after. During a routine check up I was made aware that my fertility wasn't great and it could be a problem for me to conceive. I panicked and we decided to ttc straight away as I was petrified it would never happen and needed to know sooner rather than later. As we'd discussed children oh was happy for this too.

My views have changed since having my DS, my Dp and I have been through some tough times and we seem to get the best out of each other, I would love to get married and secure our family before having anymore children.

I've bought up this many times until I feel like the biggest nag ever and he just won't give me a straight answer, always joking around and changing the subject. Things are tight for us at the moment so it couldn't happen now anyway, but I just want to know if he actually wants to get married? I don't want to leave him but I do want to be married, I don't know if I'm just being impatient?

How long did you wait for a proposal? Did anyone get tired of waiting and leave?

Thanks

CMOTDibbler Tue 04-Feb-14 08:02:41

Why don't you just propose to him then? Ask him straight out then you'll know where you stand

zestypears Tue 04-Feb-14 08:04:46

18 months. Made it very clear to him within a month of meeting that I wanted marriage and at some point after, children. And that if that wasn't in his plan too then I wasn't interested!

TarteAuxRiz Tue 04-Feb-14 08:05:50

What CMOT said. We're not living in the 50's, you don't have to wait for him, if you want to know then pop the question yourself! Don't leave yourself hanging on a thread waiting for him, I'm sure it must be eroding your self confidence in doing so.

nocheeseplease Tue 04-Feb-14 08:08:30

We got engaged after 10 months. About 2 weeks after he proposed I found out I was pregnant and we eventually got married 5 years ago just before dd turned 2.

PuppyMonkey Tue 04-Feb-14 08:11:42

20 years together, still waiting... grin

If you're meant to be together, you'll be together - marriage isn't security IMHO.

Ragwort Tue 04-Feb-14 08:12:25

Do you want a 'wedding' or do you want to be married.

You say 'things are tight for us at the moment' which sounds as though you want a big, expensive wedding. If being married is important to you it can be done very reasonably ... why not just tell your DP that you have booked the registry office and get on with it wink?

My DH and I dated for about 18 months (opposite ends of the country) we agreed we wanted to be married and buy a home together and discussed all sorts of other boring financial details, I don't actually remember any formal proposal, we chose the engagement ring together in the January, bought a house in October (both had to move jobs etc) and got married in the November - celebrated our 25th anniversary last year grin.

I know this is an old fashioned point of view but I wouldn't have considered living with someone, having a child and other financial commitments without being married or at least having legal documents in place.

Has your DP made a will, have you bought a house together, what plans have you made for your child if you/DP die?

Gigondas Tue 04-Feb-14 08:13:30

Cmot and tarte speak sense - ask him as of can't discuss this like adults then relationship has issues. but I assume you are worried about that as you refer to how he jokes when brings it up. But you are not going to get a straight answer , only speculation on his thoughts if post here.
You say that you can't get married as you dont have enough cash. it doesn't cost much to go to a registry office and out to lunch after. if you are being honest about why you want to marry for your family, that should be ok.

If it is more for wedding than the marriage, I think you may need to think if you are being totally honest about your reasons for marriage and if your relationship with dp is right for that. Yes your ds is important but it is important for him that his parents have an honest relationship.

Gigondas Tue 04-Feb-14 08:17:29

Cross posts with ragwort who illustrates it beautifully. her points about wills etc are good.

dh and I discussed marriage within few months and moved in early. I was surprised by actual proposal after 6 months as much cos we had already agreed big things. Married overseas on holiday 5 months later as was about being married not getting married.

Big weddings are fine if that is what both want and can afford but not at expense of large debts and agreeing why you want to be together.

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 04-Feb-14 08:18:05

The number of times we see similar threads.

It doesn't matter how long any of us waited for a proposal or took to get married because different people have different expectations because we all lead different lives.

If YOU want to marry your partner, just bloody ask him yourself. There is no law that says the man must ask the woman.

Logg1e Tue 04-Feb-14 08:23:24

Thirteen years together, three children together and not a minute of waiting - neither of us has ever wanted marriage.

happygoluckyinOz Tue 04-Feb-14 08:23:26

If things are tight financially this might be what is holding him back, I know with my DH that this was a major consideration for him and when he proposed.

We'd been together 7 years when he proposed and got married exactly a year later. We've been married for 3 years now.

In the two years before we got engaged I was the perpetual nag. All my friends were getting married and they'd only been together a year or so, and here I was still waiting... he had to do it in his own time and I, in the end, had to let him (as I wanted him to propose to me).

I guess the difference was that he was happy to talk to me about it - although more in a 'not now' kind of way rather than avoiding the conversation.

You have a child together, are you otherwise happy? If so then being married isn't going to change that. I wouldn't have left my DH if he'd never proposed, would just have had to get used to the idea.

GhettoPrincess001 Tue 04-Feb-14 08:23:50

We met June 1992. He proposed August 1992. When you know, you know.

I decided that if he proposed I would say yes. I'd never felt that way about a man before.

We were on a London Underground train one Sunday afternoon. We had been seeing each other for a couple of months. It was really loud as the steel wheels clattered on the steel rails. The train windows were down letting in warm air. I felt safe, I felt alive.

I shouted above the din, 'ask me, ask me now'. He replied, 'I can't, not here.'

I just wanted to see if he was thinking what I was thinking. He was. The train stopped at our station and the moment was gone and the subject dropped. Which was good as the atmosphere could have really nosedived - it didn't. I also didn't want him to propose just because I had raised the subject.

A few weeks later, he proposed. Totally out of the blue. Just like I wanted to be proposed to.

We'll celebrate 20 years of marriage in June this year.

GhettoPrincess001 Tue 04-Feb-14 08:26:32

I can't be having all this, 'we're going on a cruise next year and we've agreed that's when he'll propose.'

Works for some I suppose.

Ragwort Tue 04-Feb-14 08:27:09
Ragwort Tue 04-Feb-14 08:30:25

I agree Ghetto - I was reading in one of the Sunday papers about a business that 'organises' proposals hmm - surely most couples decide to get married or am I boringly pragmatic grin.

Someone I know has organised a big flashy weekend in Paris to 'propose' - they've already chosen the ring so clearly the girlfriend knows what is going to happen. Once you have discussed the engagment surely you are 'engaged'.

It always amuses me at the thought of someone going to all that trouble and then being turned down. bitchy thought.

peanutcups Tue 04-Feb-14 08:58:17

DH surprised me with his proposal, I hadn't been thinking of getting married at all. We'd been together 4 years but didn't live together or have any dc, and I was pretty happy living on my own tbh. I would have been fine staying in a relationship with him without marrying or living together, so I don't feel I was sitting waiting for a proposal at all.

We had a very simple, cheap wedding which was quick to organise. No need for lots of of expense or to take a long time over it.

This is the 3rd 'waiting for a proposal/ring' thread in less than a week. What's up with everyone? It's 2014, if you want to get married you can ask the man. (I wouldn't, but I'm old).

To answer the question, I realised I wanted to marry him in January of insert year many decades ago here . I didn't mention it as I thought he may need longer as he was a bit younger than me, and I wasn't in a hurry anyway. He actually proposed in March the same year.

If one of you really wants marriage, and the other really doesn't, that's a huge problem.

Incacola Tue 04-Feb-14 09:14:27

11 years...

But my dh and I had been together since we were teenagers so time of life was very different. I will admit that once we were mid 20's I started getting quite upset about waiting and waiting. He has subsequently said that he found it harder to do because of all the chat from me and banter from friends and family. I never wanted to propose to him (a bit traditional in that way).

You are obviously in a very different situation but I would suggest talking to him seriously and try not to get to emotional. Have a conversation about why you want to get married and be clear that you'd like to do it soon. Obviously find out what he wants but then I'd try to leave it there for him to take the next step (unless you do want to propose to him).

Joysmum Tue 04-Feb-14 09:18:36

I proposed to my DH.

I also always going to make the same point, is it wedding or a marriage you want? Getting married can be cheap.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 04-Feb-14 09:27:58

DH proposed to me when we'd been together for 2.5 years. We had always lightheartedly discussed it during our relationship and both knew it was something we wanted to do before we had children - though he felt more strongly about that detail than I did. I knew marriage was on the cards so just waited for it to happen. We got married 5 months after he proposed. I often wonder if men see marriage as a non-issue if children are already on the scene?

t3rr3gl35 Tue 04-Feb-14 09:35:43

We were together 14 months when he asked me.

There was no dramatic proposal. We were having Sunday lunch at a local beauty spot when he said it would be a great place to have a function such as a wedding. On the drive home he said he'd been thinking about it a lot and would I like to marry him. I had no doubts.

We didn't have our wedding there - we had it the next year outdoors in the wilds of the Scottish countryside, followed by a BBQ in a friend's barn. No fuss, no frills - just a ceremony that meant a lot to us in front of our closest friends and family and good food and dancing afterwards.

Longdistance Tue 04-Feb-14 09:52:11

My dh popped the question after a year. We booked a holiday to Antigua, and he asked me there, we married the following year.

I had it in my head that if he hadn't asked me after 2 years I'd move on. I was in my early 30's, and didn't want to hang around. I got pg 7months later.

Don't get married for the day, get married as a commitment, and for security. As pp has put up a very useful link, have a look.

PoshPaula Tue 04-Feb-14 09:58:32

I waited six years. Two children later he proposed. It has been worth the wait.

When we got together, he said to me he didn't want to get re-married or have any more DC.

One month later, he changed his mind and said he did want to marry me. He proposed after six months and we're getting married in April next eyar grin. Off to Thailand for the wedding, and then we'll start TTC straight after that.

I always said to him I wanted marriage before DC, just for security incase something happened to him (or me) and the other one was left struggling to afford everything. He agreed. I certainly wouldn't plan to have DC's with someone I wasn't married to or intending to marry in the v.near future. Maybe I'm old fashioned though. [shrug]

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