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Is it me, him, us, or just life?

(113 Posts)
DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 15:57:58

I am not well today and pretty run down in general and feeling absolutely devastated about the state of my relationship, or non-relationship, with dp.
A few things have thrown his lack of interest in me into stark relief recently.
today he is so cold to me. I begged him to take the children this morning to let me lie in, I am trembling and feverish. He did, but at 9 after I had been with them since 7.30 and only because I begged him to. His response to this was very cold. No sympathy at all. but he did agree to look after them.
I always get up at the weekends. I leave in the week before he gets up and he has to do all the child stuff on his own. I think he feels like a martyr because of this even though the reason why I am not helping is because I am physically not able to be there and he has already had an extra half hour's sleep. for some reason this means he never gets up when the kids wake on Saturday and Sunday.

Anyway he hasn't asked how I am or even actually really looked me in the eye.
I don't have anyone to talk to and overthink a lot.
today I was thinking that maybe that is just how we are, how he is. he doesn't have to be all hearts and flowers all the time.
but as soon as I got up and saw him I just felt hollow and awful. the lack of respect, affection, anything, acknowledgment, anything, it is really wearing me down. "Oh you're up!" with a smile - anything - even if followed by "Oh good you can give me a hand with...."

I am feeling awful so I am losing all perspective. I want to leave him right now. Some days I hate him.

we do not sleep together. He doesn't talk to me much. usually he doesn't answer if I send him emails during the day from work. When I get home from work he is bathing the kids and I say hello to them and have to dance about in his face, practically, to get his attention to say hello to me

I think a lot of this is just how he is; a lot of it is that he resents me for working long hours and he thinks he has a hard life with so much of the childcare (I do not have a choice with work, I get home the second I can and even still I work hours after dcs' bathtime, at home); some of this is surely down to how I am , but I don't know what or how to change

feeling utterly shit about everything right now. Old and tired and desperate. Wondering what can be done. honestly I think nothing. I can't imagine ever having fun again

what is normal?

we have been together 10 years this spring. I was so happy when I met him and then later he laughed at me so often about things I said and did on our first dates that I can't even look happily back at that time, I just feel like a dickhead

wombat22 Sat 01-Feb-14 16:04:15

It's sad that you feel so crappy, especially as you're unwell. It sounds like you need to have a long talk with DH and see if you still want the same things. You don't have to be unhappy for the rest of your life. If DH can't make you happy anymore, then it's never too late to find someone who can. Good luck and hugs to you thanks

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:05:09

Perhaps he's knackered and bored doing the mornings and evenings on his own? Perhaps he feels like a single father with you working all of the time?

It sounds as though you're both resentful and unhappy. Can't you talk about making some changes to get the happiness back?

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:11:14

yes, he is knackered and bored and he said just now "he feels like a single parent most of the time".
But I don't see why he blames me for this. We have two small children, life is fucking boring and difficult and while he is lying in bed in the mornings I am already out in the dark and the rain. It's having children and working that makes things hard, not something I have done to him. he wanted the children. He loves them and never wishes we didn't have them. But why should he blame me for having to do work to do with them?
I asked him "what do you want me to do?" and didn't get an answer. I can't do things when I am not here.

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:12:23

I am knackered and bored too. I have got to the point where I can't even imagine having a good time. A good time is a train ride where I get a seat and the person sitting next to me isn't wearing hissing earphones. That is the extent of my aspirations to enjoyment

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:13:56

It is so, so tiring not being loved.When I got up earlier I felt crappy but thought I would try to pull myself together so we could do something, go to the park, something like that. (dcs like to ride their bikes at a park you have to drive to, p doesn't drive). when I saw his snitty cold face all the resolve drained out of me and I just couldn't even find the energy to get dressed properly. I am in tears in bed again

mammadiggingdeep Sat 01-Feb-14 16:14:27

I can relate to your post.

This was exactly how my ex was although he was t doing the child care. He also went out whenever he fancied it after work and wouldn't pick up when I was calling at 11pm/1am/3am to find out where he was.

It is not normal for a person to hardly acknowledge the other one exists. It's rude. It's selfish. It's hurtful.

I couldn't live with it anymore but actually only left when he cheated on me. If he hasn't have done I'd probably still be putting up with it.

I really feel for you. Just remember one thing...it isn't you, it is him.

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:22:46

mammadiggingdeep, how do you know it's not me? I am actually very hard to like.
I need to have a smear, I should have had it last summer (they put me on yearly ones after a bad one) and I haven't found the time. I need to go to the dentist. I need to sort out my stuff that is in boxes after moving and I need to do some proper cooking and food prep and lose some of this weight. I need to do some yoga stretches as I am gradually siezing up and getting older and unfitter. I feel like everything is all on top of me and I never do anything for myself and at the same time, he resents me for not doing enough for the dcs or perhaps for him. I doubt for him, he doesn't appreciate any attempts I have made in the past to do things to show affection

I was violently ill when I was travelling for work a couple of weeks ago, very lonely and weak and sad working through it all, and when I couldn't sleep and was lonely and I knew he was at his desk (time difference) I tried to get him to talk to me my email and he ignored me and didn't ask how I was

A woman in China who I have never met but have started emailing for work sent me an amusingly effusively affectionate reply in thanks for a little bit of help I gave her. (English a very second language) It was the nicest email I have had from anyone in ages and I was laughing but almost crying at my desk because some business person in China who I have never met calling me "dearest" and sending "warm hugs from Shanghai" is the most affection I have had from any adult in years

DarlingGrace Sat 01-Feb-14 16:24:07

Normally it's the wife at home, taken for granted with the husband out all hours earning. You have a role reversal situation. It isn't 'fun' being isolated at home, any more than it's 'fun' getting up a t silly o'clock to go to work.

Is it that far gone that your relationship is irretrievable? Can he get a job? Can you reduce your hours or transfer into a role that keeps more sociable hours?

At the moment you are just ships that pass, both full of resentment. Something has to give.

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:24:28

What makes you think he's blaming you as opposed to just being knackered and unhappy and tired of being unloved the same as you?

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:25:40

Again. It sounds as though you're both unhappy. Why don't you talk? Become a partnership tackling the problem together rather than resenting each other?

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:33:27

He does have a job, but he doesn't have the commute that I have, so he looks after the dcs very week day till the CM takes them 8.30 and then after 5.30 when they get back.
At weekends I often take them out without him to give him a break and I always get up with them while he is still in bed. I do see why he needs some time "off" but I don't get down time in the week either. In fact I work evenings too after the dcs are in bed.

" What makes you think he's blaming you as opposed to just being knackered and unhappy and tired of being unloved the same as you?"

he is not unloved. I am always making approaches that are rebuffed.
I do think he is overworked and bored, yes. but he is not unappreciated.

"why don't you talk?" he isn't interested

pandarific Sat 01-Feb-14 16:34:47

Can you go to counselling, both of you? Sounds like he resents you hugely, which isn't fair.

Also, can you move? I'm assuming you live in london as you mentioned the train commute - if you got another job in a town somewhere else, could you sell up and relocate? Drastic, but seems like you could use life at a slower pace.

Do you think there's any love still buried in your relationship?

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:37:23

You can spend this thread going round and round your resentment. And I can see the benefit in doing that.

However, it would seem to make more sense to change the situation and tackle this unhappiness with your husband. You say you've tried to talk with him. Does he outright refuse?

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:38:23

Pand, Sounds like he resents you hugely, which isn't fair.

Really? Sounds like they really resent each other hugely. Which isn't necessary.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 01-Feb-14 16:38:44

Even if it was you (which I doubt) but even if you were awful to love with, he's not telling you that is he??

He's staying with you and crushing you with lack of affection. I can relate to the email thing. I used to get chatting to complete strangers in the supermarket and instead of it just being a little exchange...it was literally the highlight of my day sad

Life is boring when kids are little. I recognise your situation- resentment has set in.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 01-Feb-14 16:39:02

* live with...

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:42:07

I have no idea.
I have only recently started to think in terms of giving up. When the dcs were babies I had no aspirations for anything beyond survival. Actually I do carry a fair amount of resentment for his lack of understanding of what I was going through with all that. I try not to, but I do, because of the way he treats me now about having to do less than I did, while being physically well at the same time (I was not). Now my youngest is almost 3, life looks pretty bleak as I am able to sort of put my head up and look around a little bit.

I find it very hard to get jobs. I can't start trying to plan around moving somewhere and getting a job there because I won't get one. I have been unemployed at various times post redundancy for quite long periods. I can't plan my life really for that reason, I am not much wanted
dp finds it easier to get jobs. he has often been able to get what he needs in certain places (which is why he is able to work near our home now for instance). but he doesn't earn enough to keep us all. and nor would I want to be dependent on him as he doesn't even like me

pandarific Sat 01-Feb-14 16:42:59

Logg1e - true actually. Resentment amongst a couple is never good.

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:46:00

He doesn't listen and makes everything all about him.
If I want to change something - just pick one thing I want to change and try to find a way to say it that is "hearable" because it is not aggressive or framed as a criticism - we aren't allowed to talk about that thing because he will hear it as a criticism and therefore will respond by attacking me on something else
this is a pattern, it has happened a million times
everything I say is either so gentle as to be ignored, or if I ramp it up and say "I am serious about this" (maybe some time later after I have given him a chance to act on the gentle request ) he finds a way to make it into a fight, attack me on something else, discredit me all round and nothing changes

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:47:25

So it sounds as though you have no choice then but to live to work, continue with the long hours and long commute? In which case it's better for your children's father to continue providing the child care?

I don't believe this to be true. I think you've got a better way of finding a different solution if you talk together rather than believing you alone have to be the one to make plans, move around and get a job.

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:48:26

Even when he is physically pushing me around it is always my fault

Logg1e Sat 01-Feb-14 16:52:34

You didn't think that physical abuse was worthy of mention earlier in the thread?

jellycake Sat 01-Feb-14 16:52:38

What do you mean 'Even when he is physically pushing me around it is always my fault' he shouldn't be doing that at all! I was about to say that you need to think very carefully about whether you wanted to stay with someone who doesn't like you but if he is physically abusive there is only one response and you know what it is...

DuskAndShiver Sat 01-Feb-14 16:53:04

I said to him a few months ago "I was wondering, do you think I could work less" and I wanted to have a whole conversation about what isn't working and what we could do.
He looked at me in a sort of quizzical accusing way and said "do you think you could work less?" like I was already in the wrong about something. and went back to the internet. I said "at the moment we have no money left over. how do you think we could manage things so I could be at home more" and he said "I don't know" in an annoyed way and went back to his lap top

I wanted to take parental leave (unpaid) when dd2 was starting preschool and dd1 was starting school. he said everything was fine and there was no need. I feel like nothing really is fine but when it comes down to sitting down and saying "what can we do" then he doesn't want to have those conversations so he says everything is fine

or maybe everything is fine for him, just not for me? I don't think so though

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