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I don't know how to deal with this

(115 Posts)
Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 17:59:56

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Fri 07-Feb-14 05:28:23

Good advice

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:35

Take stock of the situation you are in, I would screen shot and copy any evidence, this can be given to solicitors and may come in handy at some point. Make sure that as he is self employed that you have a copy of ALL finances, statements, everything. Leave no stone unturned.

Phone the relevant agencies, child maintenance, benefits/housing/tax credits, child benefit in your name.

Sort out legalities and what sort of contact you would feel ok for your dc's.
Make sure that you have as much support as you can, family, friends, let your gp and maternity team know. Be ready for the berevement process that you will be going through.

Do not trust him, cover and protect yourself and the lives of your dc's thanks

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:12

It sounds as though you could be in acute emotional distress and you're going in to survival mode. I think you'd blossom back in to life if you could have time away from him. If he's genuine, he would provide this time and space.

Can you work towards an escape plan?

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 21:32:12

I honestly don't know, he's going to arrange a counselling session for me on my own to talk about how I'm feeling then at some point we are going to go together. I genuinely don't know how I feel about everything, I think it's all too much and I've just emotionally shut down from it all.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:44:42

What's happening for you now? What's the plan with your relationship?

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:43:11

There are more options other than live with him or live with your mum.

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:38

As if it all couldn't get any worse, me and Mum aren't getting along too well which is just frickin peachy as I've got nowhere else to go. Thinking back, that's how I ended up living with him in the first bloody place. She's also caused a shit storm by emailing OHs Mum with all the gory, sordid details of what is going on because obviously poking her nose in is really helpful hmm

He's gone to the GP and Relate, after one counselling session he now keeps telling me that it's an 'addiction' like that excuses him being a fucking arsehole.

I've just had it up to here and fucking beyond honestly, I want to scream.

Shouldhavelistened Tue 04-Feb-14 22:10:42

Going as well as can be expected thanks. We're still staying with my Mum at the moment. OH has been to the GP re: his sexual problems and is going to see a counsellor tomorrow then eventually we're planning on going for some counselling together to see if there is any way we can salvage anything from this relationship.

Work are hopefully agreeing my request re: flexible working so that's a weight off my mind too.

BigBoPeep Tue 04-Feb-14 14:43:45

How's it going?

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 17:15:12

I'll be thinking about you x

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:41:47

Sorry, stupid phone. Don't apologise for the essay, it's really interesting to hear your point of view and to know that I'm not alone. Off to go and have a chat with him now while my Mum watches the baby so will hear what he's got to say.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:39:54

Don't ap

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 16:26:42

I discovered early on that he had a porn problem, didn't realise how serious. I didn't snoop on him to begin with, I discovered the porn through him being very careless by leaving actual pages open on the laptop all the time.
I spoke with him, explained that it made me feel disrespected. He cried (which I was surprised about) and wrote me a really heartfelt letter saying I was the last person in earth he wanted to hurt, that porn meant nothing to him and was just a silly habit he'd gotten into since his teens and that he'd stop.

I felt such relief. And then I discovered more porn. That hurt like hell because I realised now that he was capable of lying about important things straight to my face. I'd rather he'd been honest and said he wasn't going to stop watching it.
But of course, only he knew the whole truth.

This happened a few times. I asked him if he thought he had a problem and did we need to get help. He said he thought he did but that he'd had enough and didn't need it. I asked him to just be honest with me in the future: if he was having a hard time keeping off it, if he was still using it and if there was anything I could do to help him. He agreed. Which was a lie.

I started paying attention now to his computer history and snooped on his phone. He just got better at hiding it. Then one day I found searches for prostitutes on google in places local to us. I still didn't make the link! Dumb huh? Just thought it was part of the porn problem.
Anyway, after a lot more arguments (well, I did all the arguing, he just sat apologising and agreeing with everything I said), it all seemed to settle down and I thought he had kicked the habit.

3 weeks before the final split I started getting a horrible feeling down to my very bones. Had no idea why. He had a habit of always doing whatever he fancied even if we'd previously agreed on something else and we had a big row (again, he didn't really argue). I said I didn't trust him. That he lies over silly little things so what else does he lie about?
He said he was going to prove to me that he was trustworthy. I asked him about porn, he swore blind that he had stopped and didn't even think about it anymore.

3 weeks later, through his own carelessness again, I discovered he'd been checking out prostitutes in a city he was due to visit.
And that was it for me. Although I stayed long enough to get more info.

I asked him about it, he lied lied lied, saying there's been a horrible mistake, he was a victim of spam etc etc. I didn't buy it and I told him that I wanted a divorce.

He all of a sudden started saying he had a porn addiction and was going to get help. He went to the GP the next day who apparently told him that he had to build a better relationship with me but not tell me if he continued using porn!! Wtf?

Anyway, I told him that it was all very well him getting help but what about me? How was I supposed to move on knowing that something had gone on. The next day he confessed that he and his friends use to use prostitutes 6 years ago. That he hated his past and it had been all part of his porn fantasy and why he still checked out prostitutes (because he was addicted to porn). He said it was a long time ago, he only went a few times and asked for forgiveness.

I said to him, that it was very important that he tell me about anything else because I'd read that they drip feed you with bomb shells and that I wanted te while truth now. He swore faithfully that there was nothing else, that he would never put my health in danger.

He lied.

I pretended that our relationship was salvageable but that I needed the truth because that was the only way I could recover and move on. He finally confessed to cheating on me with a prostitute while we were engaged and applying for out Fiancé visa.
He confessed that he looked up the brothel online to look at the ones he'd slept with and to see who was new. He confessed to cheating on all his past girlfriends with prostitutes. And that he'd done it dozens and dozens of times over the past 6 years.

That's when I told him it was over. I suppose I just needed to hear it from him before I could take such a big decision.

I might have been able to get over it if it really had been 6 years ago but to have cheated on me and to obviously be planning to do it again... well, there's no way back.

I posted on here when I was beginning to suspect he had cheated on me with a prostitute and a very wise woman who had had a similar experience told me that the only people who look up prostitutes are the ones using them. I didn't want to believe it but in the end, it was true. That piece of advice really helped me to stay strong and not get sucked in by anymore lies even when I so desperately wanted to stick my head in the sand.

You probably have only scratched the surface with what your partner's been up to. I'm sorry. But I really wouldn't believe anything else that comes out his mouth.

I'm sorry for the essay too! I didn't mean to jibber on so much. xx

Logg1e Sun 02-Feb-14 15:52:05

OP, just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites

Even if this were true, which I doubt, that'd be too much for me.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 14:51:20

Lucy - so sorry you're in the same position, how did you find out?
I really don't know whether to believe him in the fact that he never actually met up with any if them - the emails do seem to support this in that they never go as far as actually agreeing to meet but I don't know if he phoned them or something? He swears blind he has never cheated on me and he just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites too.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 14:41:23

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for you. I am in the same position as you - made my discoveries just in November after only being married for just under two years.
I'm on mat leave too - 8 month old. I left and am now at my dad's. I know exactly what you're going through.

The disbelief to begin with is mind numbing. I still torture myself with actually imagining the gory details of when he was with them. I'm not sure why my mind does that. Do you do that too?

I don't regret leaving but I have bouts of missing my old life, even though it was all a lie. Ignorance was bliss sad

Your ex sounds like mine. Crying, begging, promising he'd change, giving shitty excuses for his behaviour to minimise it. I still can't even look at him when it comes to contact.

My situation is slightly different in that he was dependent on me for a visa. Now he's desperately trying to stay in the country by applying for a different visa and everything's kinda in limbo while we wait for a decision from the Border Agency.

Anyway, this is about you, not me, and all I can say is it's shit. There's no two ways about it. But you have to take each day at a time. Be grateful for the good days when you're feeling strong, and hold on to that on the days you're not. Focus on your little one and the day will end, and you'll be another little step closer to a better life eventually.

I felt like a loser. Mid 30's, back at my dad 's, giving up work and applying for benefits for the next couple of years. So I know how you feel about that too but you have to keep remembering you didn't ask for any of this. You didn't deserve it and that anyone's life at any moment can go to shit, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Most importantly, forgive yourself for what feels like such bad decisions to trust him in the first place. It's not your fault your child will not have their dad at home. All you can do now is to continue putting everything into being a good mum, which you are.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that you find happiness soon with a new, settled life. BIG HUGS xxx

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 14:26:33

Yes she's very supportive, I'm lucky with that. I don't know what I want to do. I'm so confused/conflicted.

Lavenderhoney Sun 02-Feb-14 13:48:21

Have you told your dm? Is she supportive or blames you for not being a good wife?

You don't have to decide anything quickly, even if its how to leave. You call the shots.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 13:29:56

I'm at my Mums, not doing so well today.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 02-Feb-14 10:48:40

Oh, have you any idea of his income. You can check to see how much maintenance you are entitled to via the Child Maintenance Options website.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 02-Feb-14 10:46:15

SHL

The first thing you need to do is have a full sexual health screen and gather as much evidence as you can before you leave. Can you stay at your Mums? You could look at having your pets fostered until you find somewhere permanent.

Put in an online claim for Income Support. You will get called to arrange an appointment with a Lone Parent Advisor who will advise you what other benefits you are entitled to. You can get IS, Child Tax Credits, Child Benefit, Housing Benefit and will get vouchers etc for milk and fruit while your baby is young.

Then call Rights for Women, they are a charity who offer free legal advice to women. After which, go and see the CAB and a Solicitor for a free consultation.

With regards to your DH being self-employed, if you can, get copies of his bank statements. When you issue divorce proceedings he will have to disclose his financial status with evidence. Also, if his income does not match his lifestyle (i.e. if he is doing lots of cash work and not declaring it); I had a similar situation with my XH whereby he was declaring his PAYE income and not what he was also getting in dividends wink

Write a list of everything you need to do and work your way through it.

Best of luck!

PS. I had to have STI check recently and it was actually as pleasant as it could be under the circumstances, the staff were really nice and don't judge you so hopefully it won't be as undignifying as you think.

Lavenderhoney Sun 02-Feb-14 09:21:56

The money you gave him for the car has been paying for the prostitues. Keep that in mind if he starts to back out on handing you money. And tell him so - he can't argue with that. Keep momentum in your favour.

But- just to check- you want to leave or try to sort it out? Because whatever it is, keep posting to get support.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Feb-14 09:16:11

Ok - he is crying and begging.

Now is the time to go into forgiveness overdrive, demand access to all the info as part of you putting your trust back in him, get your car into your name and if poss - back on the road [get him to finance this] and then sell it, get all the things mentioned in the post about money, papers yada yada yada whilst he is at this stage, then once you are ready, get a new place, a van and whilst he is at work, move out and take all your stuff with you.

BigBoPeep Sun 02-Feb-14 09:12:05

Lavendar's suggestions are excellent and yes, dear god, don't let him worm his way into bed!

magoria Sun 02-Feb-14 09:04:31

The name on the car form is no longer proof of ownership.

I have no idea how it works, how you prove it, how hard it is to prove or if you want to fight for it to get some money out of it.

Make sure you take the documentation for the one you own with you.

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