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I don't know how to deal with this

(115 Posts)
Shouldhavelistened Fri 31-Jan-14 17:59:56

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 14:51:20

Lucy - so sorry you're in the same position, how did you find out?
I really don't know whether to believe him in the fact that he never actually met up with any if them - the emails do seem to support this in that they never go as far as actually agreeing to meet but I don't know if he phoned them or something? He swears blind he has never cheated on me and he just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites too.

Logg1e Sun 02-Feb-14 15:52:05

OP, just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites

Even if this were true, which I doubt, that'd be too much for me.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 16:26:42

I discovered early on that he had a porn problem, didn't realise how serious. I didn't snoop on him to begin with, I discovered the porn through him being very careless by leaving actual pages open on the laptop all the time.
I spoke with him, explained that it made me feel disrespected. He cried (which I was surprised about) and wrote me a really heartfelt letter saying I was the last person in earth he wanted to hurt, that porn meant nothing to him and was just a silly habit he'd gotten into since his teens and that he'd stop.

I felt such relief. And then I discovered more porn. That hurt like hell because I realised now that he was capable of lying about important things straight to my face. I'd rather he'd been honest and said he wasn't going to stop watching it.
But of course, only he knew the whole truth.

This happened a few times. I asked him if he thought he had a problem and did we need to get help. He said he thought he did but that he'd had enough and didn't need it. I asked him to just be honest with me in the future: if he was having a hard time keeping off it, if he was still using it and if there was anything I could do to help him. He agreed. Which was a lie.

I started paying attention now to his computer history and snooped on his phone. He just got better at hiding it. Then one day I found searches for prostitutes on google in places local to us. I still didn't make the link! Dumb huh? Just thought it was part of the porn problem.
Anyway, after a lot more arguments (well, I did all the arguing, he just sat apologising and agreeing with everything I said), it all seemed to settle down and I thought he had kicked the habit.

3 weeks before the final split I started getting a horrible feeling down to my very bones. Had no idea why. He had a habit of always doing whatever he fancied even if we'd previously agreed on something else and we had a big row (again, he didn't really argue). I said I didn't trust him. That he lies over silly little things so what else does he lie about?
He said he was going to prove to me that he was trustworthy. I asked him about porn, he swore blind that he had stopped and didn't even think about it anymore.

3 weeks later, through his own carelessness again, I discovered he'd been checking out prostitutes in a city he was due to visit.
And that was it for me. Although I stayed long enough to get more info.

I asked him about it, he lied lied lied, saying there's been a horrible mistake, he was a victim of spam etc etc. I didn't buy it and I told him that I wanted a divorce.

He all of a sudden started saying he had a porn addiction and was going to get help. He went to the GP the next day who apparently told him that he had to build a better relationship with me but not tell me if he continued using porn!! Wtf?

Anyway, I told him that it was all very well him getting help but what about me? How was I supposed to move on knowing that something had gone on. The next day he confessed that he and his friends use to use prostitutes 6 years ago. That he hated his past and it had been all part of his porn fantasy and why he still checked out prostitutes (because he was addicted to porn). He said it was a long time ago, he only went a few times and asked for forgiveness.

I said to him, that it was very important that he tell me about anything else because I'd read that they drip feed you with bomb shells and that I wanted te while truth now. He swore faithfully that there was nothing else, that he would never put my health in danger.

He lied.

I pretended that our relationship was salvageable but that I needed the truth because that was the only way I could recover and move on. He finally confessed to cheating on me with a prostitute while we were engaged and applying for out Fiancé visa.
He confessed that he looked up the brothel online to look at the ones he'd slept with and to see who was new. He confessed to cheating on all his past girlfriends with prostitutes. And that he'd done it dozens and dozens of times over the past 6 years.

That's when I told him it was over. I suppose I just needed to hear it from him before I could take such a big decision.

I might have been able to get over it if it really had been 6 years ago but to have cheated on me and to obviously be planning to do it again... well, there's no way back.

I posted on here when I was beginning to suspect he had cheated on me with a prostitute and a very wise woman who had had a similar experience told me that the only people who look up prostitutes are the ones using them. I didn't want to believe it but in the end, it was true. That piece of advice really helped me to stay strong and not get sucked in by anymore lies even when I so desperately wanted to stick my head in the sand.

You probably have only scratched the surface with what your partner's been up to. I'm sorry. But I really wouldn't believe anything else that comes out his mouth.

I'm sorry for the essay too! I didn't mean to jibber on so much. xx

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:39:54

Don't ap

Shouldhavelistened Sun 02-Feb-14 16:41:47

Sorry, stupid phone. Don't apologise for the essay, it's really interesting to hear your point of view and to know that I'm not alone. Off to go and have a chat with him now while my Mum watches the baby so will hear what he's got to say.

LucyInTheSky78 Sun 02-Feb-14 17:15:12

I'll be thinking about you x

BigBoPeep Tue 04-Feb-14 14:43:45

How's it going?

Shouldhavelistened Tue 04-Feb-14 22:10:42

Going as well as can be expected thanks. We're still staying with my Mum at the moment. OH has been to the GP re: his sexual problems and is going to see a counsellor tomorrow then eventually we're planning on going for some counselling together to see if there is any way we can salvage anything from this relationship.

Work are hopefully agreeing my request re: flexible working so that's a weight off my mind too.

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:38

As if it all couldn't get any worse, me and Mum aren't getting along too well which is just frickin peachy as I've got nowhere else to go. Thinking back, that's how I ended up living with him in the first bloody place. She's also caused a shit storm by emailing OHs Mum with all the gory, sordid details of what is going on because obviously poking her nose in is really helpful hmm

He's gone to the GP and Relate, after one counselling session he now keeps telling me that it's an 'addiction' like that excuses him being a fucking arsehole.

I've just had it up to here and fucking beyond honestly, I want to scream.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:43:11

There are more options other than live with him or live with your mum.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 20:44:42

What's happening for you now? What's the plan with your relationship?

Shouldhavelistened Thu 06-Feb-14 21:32:12

I honestly don't know, he's going to arrange a counselling session for me on my own to talk about how I'm feeling then at some point we are going to go together. I genuinely don't know how I feel about everything, I think it's all too much and I've just emotionally shut down from it all.

Logg1e Thu 06-Feb-14 21:42:12

It sounds as though you could be in acute emotional distress and you're going in to survival mode. I think you'd blossom back in to life if you could have time away from him. If he's genuine, he would provide this time and space.

Can you work towards an escape plan?

Theoldhag Thu 06-Feb-14 22:34:35

Take stock of the situation you are in, I would screen shot and copy any evidence, this can be given to solicitors and may come in handy at some point. Make sure that as he is self employed that you have a copy of ALL finances, statements, everything. Leave no stone unturned.

Phone the relevant agencies, child maintenance, benefits/housing/tax credits, child benefit in your name.

Sort out legalities and what sort of contact you would feel ok for your dc's.
Make sure that you have as much support as you can, family, friends, let your gp and maternity team know. Be ready for the berevement process that you will be going through.

Do not trust him, cover and protect yourself and the lives of your dc's thanks

Lifeisforlivingkatie Fri 07-Feb-14 05:28:23

Good advice

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