Female Wisdom Needed

[DomesticatedDad]

I'm in need of some wisdom and advice from the female population! I'm a married Dad of 3 teenagers; my wife has recently gone back to work and is now a busy professional woman; I work part-time so that I can be the principal childcarer.
Since my wife started back at work, our love life has nosedived. Not because she is too busy or tired - in fact, quite the contrary. She has never been more sexually alive and excitable. But increasingly she has turned to fantasy and masturbation for pleasure, rather than sex. She masturbates most nights when she thinks I am asleep. If I ask her about it the next day, she is quite open - she is fantasising about men at work who turn her on, but she is adamant it is only fantasy, saying she will always stay loyal to me. I know that as a stay-at-home Dad and with 15 years of marriage behind us, I must lack a wow factor. But I am beginning to grow anxious about how this will develop. In recent weeks, she has even been masturbating/fantasising during our lovemaking - she seems so wrapped up in her own world.
Am I losing her? Is she likely to have an affair? How should I deal with this situation? I so need your thoughts and insight...

[CailinDana]

Would she be ok with you fantasising about other women?

[DomesticatedDad]

She has encouraged me to fantasise about other women, I think to compensate for some of her own guitly feelings. But I've told her that I don't, and won't, because I don't feel it's right. If a woman ever shows an interest in me when we're out, though, she really doesn't like it!

[theeverydaydancer]

Well, if I was in that situation and the man I was with spent all night wanking next to me thinking about other women and fantasised about them during sex I would be very upset and angry about it and tbh I would either show the bastard the door, or if I wanted to save the relationship I would have a very serious chat with them about how their behaviour is affecting me. So that would be my advice to you - sit your wife down, tell her how you feel.

[MrsMcEnroe]

Exactly what theeverydaydancer said

[DomesticatedDad]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond - I appreciate it. I love my wife very much and I'll do whatever it takes for us to stay together. I have talked to her about how it makes me feel. But she has just reassured me that it is just her way of enjoying herself, that it means nothing in terms of being unfaithful and not to worry. She says it keeps her horny, which must be good for our sex life. If anything, though, her secret masturbation is increasing - it is most nights now, not occasionally. She also seems to get especially turned on in the days before she has social events at work or before she has to go away on business. I'm not sure what more I should say or do?

[asgard]

Hi check your inbox have sent you a message

[Twinklestein]

I don't see how masturbating and fantasising about other men can be good for your sex life...

She's being deeply selfish and disrespectful, you need to jolt her back to reality regarding her behaviour.

What about couples' therapy? If she had to explain her behaviour to a third party, she might be rather more sheepish than bullish.

[UnexpectedlySingle]

I'm wondering if its a hormonal thing. Women get a big rush of hormones in their late 30s/early 40s - the biological last chance to further the species I guess - after a bit it settles down. I think it's the reason behind some break-ups. I read a book about it.

[Tallypet]

My first thought is that she's not being entirely faithful. Not by fantasising and imagining other men - she's fantasising about specific 'real life' men. That she sees daily. You might be an outlet of her sexual frustration - but I don't think it's you she wants.
I hate to ask this but has there ever been inappropriate texts, hiding of phones etc... because first thought for me is she's getting kicks off someone finding her attractive and it smacks of another man.
If my DH was fantasising and masturbating about his female colleagues you bet your arse he'd be out of the marital bed.

[DomesticatedDad]

Thank you Twinklestein, UnexpectedlySingle and Tallypet. I really value your thoughts.
I think you may be right about the hormones and that certainly helps me to put it what is happening in context - but perhaps those same hormones could take her headlong into another sexual relationship?
I wonder, Twinklestein, whether she is really that unusually selfish/disrespectful...is this kind of fantasising not just what women do after 15+ years of marriage? don't most married women masturbate and fantasise about other men?
Tallypet - no obvious secrecy or other signs that something is happening. She has had to stay overnight on business a few times and when there is a works night out/party she usually stays overnight at a hotel. Do you think this is anyhting to worry about?

[Twinklestein]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly don't, and I don't know any woman who does. I still really fancy my husband so I have no interest in other men.

But even in relationships were the passion has waned a bit, fantasising in your own head in private is one thing, but doing so during sex or masturbating in front of you is grossly disrespectful and well just gross.

If you were female and described a husband behaving how your wife is MN would be up in arms.

To me an obvious equivalent would be a man with a porn habit: imagine a guy wanking every night to porn when he thinks his wife is asleep, overtly fantasising about porn stars during the day, and fantasising during sex, that's not ok is it?

I think you're bending over backwards to be understanding OP, but your wife is behaving really badly.

[UnexpectedlySingle]

You're right to be worried DomesticatedDad, I would worry that these hormones could take her somewhere where you wouldn't want her to go. How about planning a romantic night away for both of you to a really nice hotel? I'm divorced and I think a few nights away with ex-dh may have made all the difference and kept the spark alive. Yes I do think a night away in her present state of mind could be a worry.

[UnexpectedlySingle]

a night away with work could be a worry I mean

[Tallypet]

dad yes personally I think that's something to be concerned about. Hormones are not the issue here her fidelity is. If this was a woman postin there'd be no issued re hormones.
Happily married women (and men) do not openly admit to fantasising about colleagues. Whilst or just after having sex with the OH.
How do w feel anouyt this? Honestly?

[DomesticatedDad]

Twinklestein - I am trying to understand her, not to excuse the behaviour if it's wrong, but to help work out what I should do, to help her and our marriage. Maybe she's just being more honest and open with me, rather than fantasising in her own head and then denying it. I think your porn comment is perhaps closer to the mark than you realised...I recently found out she subscribes to a site called x-art and couldn't believe my eyes when I checked on what it was. I haven't told her I know and not sure I will. I guess it's all part of the same thing.
UnexpectedlySingle - I think you too have hit the mark more than you know! She phoned an hour ago to say she was having to work late tonight and may have to stay over! I think it's probably genuine, but it doesn't help my state of mind!!

[DomesticatedDad]

Tallypet - thanks - you say people "don't openly admit" to fantasising about others...but isn't she then just being more honest than most?
How do I honestly feel about it...?
Unhappy, but I love her very much.

[Tallypet]

dad you've just said she's staying out tonight. Is that not ringing bells?
I have an active and creative sex life with my DH but I would never openly admit to masturbating or fantasising about colleagues.
You sound really sweet. But it seems like you're being cuckolded

[DomesticatedDad]

As crazy as it might seem, I do trust her when she tells me she wouldn't have sex with another man. And if she says she's working, then I still believe she's working.
Do Mumsnetters think I'm right..or stupidly naive?
Should I be any more worried about the website I mentioned before than about her fantasies? Or do you think it's ok for her to get her kicks like this if that's what does it for her?

[Logg1e]

If my partner told me they were fantasising about other people I'd say, fine and they could fuck off and fantasise to their heart's content because they wouldn't be doing it under my roof.

I don't buy any of this shit about hormones.

I know you love her and want to save your relationship. In order to save it I'd be telling her to move out for a while and come back in a week's time to tell me how she was going to save it.

[UnexpectedlySingle]

I'd say naive - sorry.

[UnexpectedlySingle]

Re-reading your original post, she sounds like she is being quite cruel to you, telling you she is fantastising about other men, masturbating but not having sex with you. Is she angry with you about anything?

[Logg1e]

Is she angry with you about anything?

What?!

[UnexpectedlySingle]

Why else would she be treating him like that if she has a heart at all?

[Logg1e]

Good point Unexpected. He must deserve it in some way. We must remember this theory for all future posters who tell us how their partners put their own sexual needs first, fantasise over other women and basically treat them like shit.

[asgard]

why not test the theory tell her you have got a baby sitter ask her where she is staying and tell her your on your way. her reaction will tell you all you need to know