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Why me?!?

(31 Posts)
MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 12:56:44

Relationship ended over Christmas as I found out he was seeing another woman.

Went our separate ways, all seemed fine until I missed my period so did a pregnancy test. It was positive, made contact with him to tell him etc. He wants me to have an abortion so it doesn't ruined his fantastic new relationship (his exact words). I thought about it before telling him as I don't want anything to do with him. Now I'm thinking that maybe I want to keep the baby. I told him this as he's saying he won't have anything to do with me or the baby. I know id struggle financially.

Any advice on what to do?

quietlysuggests Thu 30-Jan-14 13:02:41

Anyone in real life who can listen to you?
It sounds like the relationship is really over, and that is a good thing.
It sounds like he will be no support to you at all, and will have nothing to do with the baby - that might change in time, but it probably wont.
And it will be a financial struggle - well really all babies are, but more in theory than in actuality, when they arrive it does seem to work out.
And even though you are shocked and scared, you already can tell that you want to keep the baby,
so all that's left to say is CONGRATULATIONS
I Hope you are feeling well? Do you have other children? Any family around to help out?

Bogeyface Thu 30-Jan-14 13:02:50

He can decide not to have anything to do with you or the baby (what a charmer) but he doesnt get any choice over paying maintenance.

He probably told his OW that you and he werent sleeping together so if he has to tell her that you are now pregnant, it will bring his house of cards crashing down. Oh well, never mind!

Do what you feel is right for you, and to hell with him.

sebsmummy1 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:07:35

Do not base your decision on his opinion. He can decide to have nothing to do with his child, however if he is in employment it isn't his decision to have nothing to do with maintenance.

So forget what he is saying, if you want to have this baby then go ahead and congratulations xx

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:16:11

I don't get how the maintenance would work - did a google search to find out

I understand it as we would have had to have been married between conception & birth - we've never been married
Or he would need to be on birth certificate which I can't do without him present

The other was go through court to see if he agrees it's his

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:16:12

I agree with Bogeyface. Whether he wants anything to do with the baby or not is immaterial. He'll find he's still financially responsible and that he has some explaining to do with his new girlfriend. As with the rest of your life going forward, decide what's right for you and never mind what he thinks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:17:33

You don't have to be married to someone to claim maintenance in the UK at least. They don't even have to be on the birth certificate. You tell CSA who the father is and I think your ex would have to prove he wasn't... not the other way around.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:19:31

CSA Helpline
Telephone: 0845 713 3133

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:20:29

Fabulous that makes the decision more my way. I didn't want to have a baby and not be able to provide for it.

His new girlfriend knows as my best mate knows her and accidentally dropped it into conversation when she bumped into her - not at all good

sebsmummy1 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:21:28

Yep, once you start to try and claim benefits (assuming you do of course!) they will want to know who the father is.

I suspect once he realises you are keeping the child he will change his mind about visitation etc and maintenance will probably be sorted out between the two of you amicably.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:24:48

Stay well out of his new relationship and ask your friends to do the same thing. You're the injured party here, you don't need the aggravation, and it'll be better to retain the moral high ground, keep your distance and put everything through the CSA. He, on the other hand, has a world of trouble heading his way whatever happens next.

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:25:10

I honestly don't think he'll change .. He's told me he wishes me and the baby were dead etc

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:26:41

I've stayed out of the relationship and really couldn't care about if me being pregnant ruins it.

My best mate has stayed out of it & never meant to tell her but did

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Jan-14 13:29:04

That's good. FWIW a friend of mine has a 15yo DD who has never once met her birth father but who has been supported financially via CSA since she was born. The DD seems fairly uninterested in him.

Bogeyface Thu 30-Jan-14 13:29:56

He wishes you werent around because then he wouldnt have to deal with the car crash he has made of his life!

I agree with asking your friends to stay out of it. It is your business not theirs.

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 13:32:13

I'm grinning at your friend "accidentally dropping it into the conversation" that you're pregnant. Not good if you didn't want her blurting out your personal business, but marvellous if you're okay with that and it put this woman wise to the fact he was having sex with you both.

It's great that it sounds like he'll have to pay for the child he conceived. Quite right.

Expect bluster about DNA tests and the like. His only defense to his girlfriend is likely to be that he didn't have sex with you and you must have had sex with someone else. Some women believe that crap. I hope she's not one of them, but the signs aren't promising up to now because she's involved with a known liar isn't she?

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:45

He bloody needs to pay for it! His excuse when I asked was I can't afford a baby, my car and the new flat I'm renting

DCRBye Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:55

Try and make the decision as if he did not exist. You might be feeling swayed (either thinking of keeping it to lure him back or thinking of not keeping it to follow his wishes).

It's a lifetime decision for YOU. Try and remember though if you have a baby with someone it often ties them to you for life. He may say now he wants nothing to do with it but might claim visitation later.

Picture him taking your baby for weekends at his new lace with the OW? It might not be the best situation for you.

I am so sorry for you OP

xx

MyLifesAMess Thu 30-Jan-14 13:36:16

That's my other issue to consider

I don't want him to see the baby (if he decides to) with her around or even on his own to start with.

kazza446 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:40:00

If it helps you to make a decision I found myself unexpectedly pregnant last year and was in a real quandary. My situation is different to yours in that I'm married and in stable relationship but I did have similar concerns to you in relation to money etc. I considered a termination but after speaking to friends who had had one, not one of them could tell me that they never regretted it. I carried my baby for 9 months consciously knowing I didn't want him. I was supported by mh team and dreaded him being born. Once he was born my maternal instincts kicked in straight away and I fell in love with the little fella. All my concerns with money and my career etc now don't matter. My little one brings so much love. We will never be rich with money but will be rich in love. Bugger your ex. He sounds like a prize twat tbh. You are best out of it, especially if a baby is comingalong. Don't be swayed by his lack of support. Have your baby, enjoy it and screw him for all that you can!! Big hug xx

PedantMarina Thu 30-Jan-14 15:22:47

>sigh<

Gone are the days when the fallen woman would do the decent thing and throw herself in the Thames, I'm sure he's thinking.

Congratulations! Teeny baby toes to nibble. Teeny babybum to pat. Well jell.

Cabrinha Thu 30-Jan-14 15:38:08

Your friend didn't tell her by accident at all. Don't be naïve about that. If you go ahead with this pregnancy, you will undoubtedly have stress with regards to the situation with the father - keep your dignity and stay right away from feeding stuff to the OW via your friend.

Try www.bpas.org.uk if you are not sure yet about your decision.

And if there is a financial element to your decision, do not base it on expecting anything from the father.

But at the same time, remember that he will be able to have contact if he wants it, and you will have no control over OW being with him. I don't want to be a doomsayer, bit you need to realistic about that.

Good luck.

Hissy Thu 30-Jan-14 15:58:53

do you REALLY want to inflict this much of a tosser of a dad onto a child you will love with every fibre of your being?

Let me tell you that this is the hardest thing on earth, to know that you chose a complete wanker for your DC.

If you are in anyway unsure as to how you would manage to do this, then think through all the options you have and see which works best FOR YOU.

You don't have to go through with this, and certainly not to spite him! If you have a child it would -somehow- tie you to him for life.

People like him don't deserve you in their lives, under any circumstances. If he did decide to insist on contact, he'd get it and he and his DP would be unsupervised. You would have little or no choice in the matter.

Do you really want this man in your life for the rest of your days?

Think very carefully about your life and how you want this to affect you.

Regardless of your decision, I support you entirely and wish you all the best and hope that all goes well.

mcmooncup Thu 30-Jan-14 16:07:05

Never mind what HIS position is. It's obvious he's not going to be of any assistance except some pittance of CSA support.

So what about YOUR situation? Do you have a job? Any other dc? How old are you?
Is this what you wanted?

Sorry to sound harsh but there seems too much chat about him and the effect on him. I guarantee the effect on him and his relationship
Is irrelevant. However the impact on your life is immeasurable. Please make sure you understand the impact on YOUR life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 17:52:28

What Hissy said and DCRBye. I really think you need to think about the potential child in all this, OP, as well as how it impacts on you. If you're struggling financially, having a baby will not help you with that. You will NOT have control of whether your ex introduces his other partners to the child as much as you might think. He will always be a potential stick of dynamite.

Can you talk to some RL friends who know you? Who won't try to stir or fill your head full of 'a baybeee... squee' nonsense claptrap before you've even decided your course of action.

Wish you the best, you have a tough decision ahead of you. Get support for you whilst you make it.

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