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Do you ever totally get over your marriage break up

(38 Posts)
TortillasAndChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 10:19:05

Ex and I split two years ago - to cut a very long story short, he treated me very badly, had two affairs after DS was born, and left me for one of those women (while telling me he just needed time to think - the truth came out later).

Anyway, most of the time I feel over it. I don't think about him too much. I don't feel attracted to him. I don't want him back. I'm excited about the future and would love to meet someone else.

But sometimes, out of nowhere, something happens to trigger a memory of something he did that really hurt me, and I still feel so sad and upset. Or something will fall into place, and I'll just feel so sad that someone who was supposed to take care of me and be my partner could betray me. For instance, a couple of things happened this morning that I triggered a memory of just before he left me when he told me a friend had given him a few night shifts to do for extra money (he owned a business). I'd totally forgotten about it but remembered today and thought, he didn't work those night shifts, he was with another woman, and I was here with our baby.

Like I say, these are fleeting moments and happen less than ever now. But I just wondered if anyone else gets this and if it ever goes away? Or will I always feel a bit sad and betrayed because he did this to me?

DCRbye Tue 11-Feb-14 20:30:04

I think you ultimately can get over absolutely anything in life, and the speed at which you do it is largely down to your own attitude.

Birdsofafeather Sun 09-Feb-14 08:19:27

For me I don't want my stbxh back because of how he treated me, plus a years meant I've moved on...however how do people cope with the what if, the regular wondering what if?

FlirtingFail Sat 01-Feb-14 12:16:18

I know exactly what you mean about the flashbacks. But 4 years on they have pretty much gone away, as has the sadness. flowers for you, OP.

3mum Sat 01-Feb-14 12:07:35

Yes, 2 years down the line and divorced from my cheating XH. Really feel nothing for him now. Don't care that he is with OW. Would not want him back in a month os Sundays.

Still feel p'd off at how he lied to me for months about having split up with his affair partner and how he wanted to be with me not her, win my love back etc when he could have saved me months of grief by just manning up and saying he wanted out. However, I assume with time that will fade too.

gigglekicks Sat 01-Feb-14 07:38:15

Yes, totally. No bitterness, no sadness, nothing. He left me for a woman he got pregnant just after my DS was born. It took years, but the only thing I feel is relief.

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 23:34:36

It is difficult when you can't cut all contact because of DC. I detest OW because XH tries to drop DD if OW wants to do something. DD resents her always being there when she goes to XH's and is confused because she thinks he is married to his mate.

XH now pisses me off on a practical level though not an emotional one so I suppose Meh would be a good word for it smile

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:30:42

Oh and by the way, i had never even heard of 'meh' until I discovered mumsnet, and above I have used it in a sentence for the very first time grin

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:29:36

Skye, I remember reading some of your posts ages ago. I'm glad you're doing well.

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:28:56

Semiskim, yes that's how I feel about OW - she didn't put my son first, she put herself first, and that is part of what makes me dislike the fact she gets to spend time with DS.

I definitely think I would possibly be feeling more 'meh' by now if I didn't have to see him every week when he picks up/drops off DS

Sorcha1966 Fri 31-Jan-14 18:05:08

yes am SO over it !

skyeskyeskye Fri 31-Jan-14 17:57:37

I am getting on for two years on and have just today posted an update on here to show that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would say that I am over him, but there are still things that trigger sadness. But I have recently started seeing somebody and that has helped to show that I no longer have feelings for XH.

I do think that it is normal to still have sadness over what happened though, which is separate to having feelings for XH.

It is different for every individual as to how long it takes to get over it etc. It still hurts me to think of what he did but it no longer hurts to hear about him and OW and I am at the point where I truly think that they deserve each other.

I am still not at the indifferent stage with XH as I despise him too much for that.

Chyochan Fri 31-Jan-14 09:36:08

In 20 months on and it still hurts a lot but its great hearing from others who have got the the 'meh' stage.
I worry a lot that it still bothers me and I end up thinking about it so much after this much time.
But I know that MUST change over time, surely its not physically possible for it to carry on hurting over time.
Im really looking forward to feeling indeferent, and thinking of ways I can use this to end up having a better life.

1983mummy Thu 30-Jan-14 15:38:40

I split with my husband a year ago. I no longer wonder what he's up to be with whom. Likewise I have no guilt for what I get up to. I was psychologically abused by him for a year whilst he covered up his affair. At the time I was very depressed and extremely unhappy. I may be lonely now, but that beats crying myself to sleep every night! I'm also happier and such an independent woman. However there are certain flashbacks of our time together and I remember how he lied to me. I suppose I know ill always feel relief for getting out Of it, but I think how he treated me for a whole 12 months and the heart wrenching pain will never go, just fade.

I'm now 4 years on and totally disconnected to my ex now.
I still have the odd memory though. Friends we no longer holiday with etc..... and it is sad.
He is no support at all to my DD. No financial or emotianal support. He's a total and knob and it's good to realise this.
I felt a failure at first too.
But you soon realise it was him and there was nothing you could have done to stop it.
Family and friends were an absolute a saviour at the time.

SemiSkim Thu 30-Jan-14 15:16:45

Gah, I lost a post there.

I was saying I feel the same way when I think of OW seeing my DC. They don't hear anything bad from me, but it twists me inside that I send them off to be cared for by someone who didn't care for them at all during affair time.

I can see how ex may actually care for the children as they are his. I can't see how someone who accepted lavish gifts and holidays to New York, Paris, Spain - knowing his own DC didn't even get a holiday in the UK - will have their best interests in mind.

SemiSkim Thu 30-Jan-14 15:09:54

Oops, using phone and posted too soon

His behaviour impacted me and the way I cared for our children- that's what really hurts when I look back at the affair time.

It must be really hard to deal with if he is still with OW. Mine is with his too. I feel as if they enjoyed themselves at my and our DCs expense and are carrying on as if everything is ok.

Well it is ok on the surface and we are all peasant, but the triggers just take me back to the devastating feelings when it all came out. I am holding on for when time heals and meh kicks in.

Joy5 Thu 30-Jan-14 15:03:34

I'm two years a bit on, still getting memories etc the OW making friends with my neice on FB and then posting a photo of her on the night she 'met' my H (photo is obviously a pub i recognise, and the other people are from his work). Hes wearing a shirt, the first piece of clothing he ever bought on his own in over 25 years of knowing him, was another piece of the jigsaw fitting into place. Had a flashback to me innocently asking him when he got the shirt as i'd never seen it before, and him fobbing me off he'd had it ages, now believe he got it with her. Know they didn't get together that night, as i was told at the time he arrived already with her (it was a work night out).

But life is getting better, i'm doing all sorts of things i never would have if i was still married. Am now a student again, studying around work hours, and doing voluntary work, with the intention of getting a much better paid job in a few years time.

Actually prefer it that H is with OW, while my sons don't want to see her and ex prefers to see her rather then them most of the time, i'm the winner. He can't ever get back the time hes lost, or the knowledge of what happens to them. But on the occasional times ex brings OW to collect sons it tears me apart still Don't think i'll ever get used to that.

Thank you to everyone whose posted they are several years on from me, makes me feel so much better, and that long term things will ok again. smile

TortillasAndChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 13:38:11

Hermione - yes I am only just coming to terms with the fact I will never know what happened, and that the first year of my DS's life wasn't what I thought it was - and it should have been so different.

I have also found it frustrating that ex is still with OW. I am getting used to this now but for a while I felt like I needed their relationship to fall apart before I could be truly happy. Weirdly the thought of them together doesn't affect me very much anymore though - although the thought of her around my DS twists my insides.

LEtranger Thu 30-Jan-14 13:36:09

I am now completely over it - feel no connection to ex-H at all, but it took me about six years to finally shift it.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:21

I would also like to echo Hermione who says she is happier than when she was married. I am too, generally. My life is a lot more interesting and I grab it if that makes any sense. When I was with my ex I was pretty bored/dull a lot of the time.

So on the whole, not over it, no, but getting there.

TortillasAndChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 13:34:11

Diagonally, had my ex not had the affair and left, I wonder if that would have happened to me too. We would have ended up apart because I would eventually have said enough is enough.

TortillasAndChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 13:31:11

Thank you for all these lovely replies. It makes me feel like I'm normal. It's also strange how when the break up was happening, I felt like such a failure and like my situation was unique - reading some replies makes me realise it's not just me, and i was unlucky, as are a lot of people.

Cogito - thank you. You've replied to things I've posted before and are always very wise and reassuring. Thanks for the reassurance that 2 years isn't that long.

Semiskim, your situation sounds quite similar to mine in some ways. At one point, ex 'borrowed' my credit card and used it to pay for day use hotel rooms and a spa day. This was when he wasn't contributing anything to the household bills, and I was spending all my savings on just getting by. I think it's the betrayal of not just me but our little boy that shocks me.

Teeny - my ex used to believe his lies in the end, and would get so angry with me if I caught him out.

It's good to know that there are some people a little further along who are upset less and less by the memories. Hopefully that's where I'm heading. As I say, I can go for weeks without thinking about it at all really, but then something happens and brings back a toned down version of my feelings from 2 years ago.

hermionepotter Thu 30-Jan-14 13:28:51

yes and occasionally 'what should have been' for instance places we were going to go together or thinking about the future I thought I'd have with him and the children/ potential future grandchildren etc - which is just kind of grieving the loss I suppose

hermionepotter Thu 30-Jan-14 13:26:13

I'm 5 yrs on and mostly over it (and much happier than I was married) but I do get moments, I think that's normal - like others often triggered by music or just some specific memory. They are less frequent now than they used to be and are more sad/nostalgic than overwhelming but I think it's inevitable where you've had such depth of feeling for someone.

I do think back to the affair time a lot and it bothers me that I'll never know the full truth of what happened - like a whole section/time of my life wasn't what I thought it was, which is a bit of a headfuck. Not sure I'll ever get over that although can put it behind me and again don't think of it too much. Plus I've met some really nice men since who are very different to my exh, which helps.

So I expect it to continue to get easier but it'll always be an 'old wound'

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 30-Jan-14 13:25:33

also just thinking my life isn't where I want it to be and I'm another year older.

Oh yeah - that stuff definitely aches. Because it's a present-day concern.

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