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What do I do? Still in love, but arguments are getting out of control(48 Posts)
Ok, so I should start by saying that I'm in my first lesbian relationship and have been for the past year and a half. I'm only saying in case people get me confused for a guy, when I say my gf.
I won't go into the back story, as I don't really think it's important, but anyway, here go's
Firstly, I love my gf very much. I am still in love with her. I think she's beautiful, incredibly intelligent, funny, caring, kind, the list goes on and on really. Recently though, we've begun to argue more and more and it's really starting to concern me.
I don't really know what's changed. I don't really feel like either one of us have changed, but little, usually insignificant things, seem to turn in to an argument and then they seem significant iyswim.
I'm really hoping this is just a phase, as I always felt/feel like we have something very special.
Her reactions can be very odd and the longer we're together, the more irritating I find them. Sometimes I'll ask who's text her, in a completely innocent way, as in, I'm not suggesting she's having an affair or anything, and she'll just go bright red and have a go at me and ask why I'm asking and she's even been teary eyed before. Now, to me, this is a complete over reaction and if anything, it makes me suspicious, where as I wouldn't have been before. Yes, I'm not a naturally trusting person and I do struggle sometimes with that, but I don't accuse her of anything. It's actually a part of me that she doesn't really see, because I try so hard to bury it. Other little things like, I can ask if she likes a certain female actress for example, but she takes that to mean do you fancy her and she'll get emotional and go really strange. I will question her and she'll say that she doesn't know why she reacts like it, but she knows what I'm thinking, which is so unfair. She doesn't. Of course I'm jealous of really beautiful girls, who isn't? But she has this really weird idea of me, simply because I told her that I had trust issues and I'm quite self critical. It's getting to the point where we can't just have a normal conversation, in case she manages to twist something round to mean I'm accusing her of something. It's becoming exhausting Unfortunately, all these increasingly weird OTT reactions recently, have started to make me worry if maybe there is something else going on which she isn't telling me. Overall, I do trust her, so I don't really know what I'm saying, or thinking. I'm just so confused. I don't want to lose her, but today I just had to get some space to clear my head. I would never normally walk out, but I'd just had enough and I didn't want another pointless argument.
I don't really know what I'm asking, but I feel like I'm going mad. I've never felt this way about anyone before, but the arguments are really starting to get me down.
I think we both feel like we're treading on egg shells if I'm being honest.
Feel so sad and I know things can't carry on like this. It's so unhealthy.
I think she's reacting oddly because she's pre-emptying your weird and jealous reaction. I think this is your problem I'm afraid. I'd be pissed off if my partner asked me who text me all the time.
Do you trust her?
Could you, hand on heart, tell her: "Darling, I trust you implicitly, and when I ask about text messages/actresses, I am not implying that I am suspicious or jealous, I'm just making conversation."
If you could, do so. Talk it out.
I you couldn't say that and mean it, then ask yourself why you don't actually trust her, or why you are maybe angling for reassurance when you ask those questions.
Sounds like you have issues and it's affecting her emotional stability, especially if you keep badgering her about texts and who she finds attractive.
I'm even more confused now.
Eir, my weird and jealous reaction? How on earth do you know what my reactions are?! Bizarre.
Better, I don't badger her about texts. She sometimes asks me exactly the same and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. And when did I say I was questioning who she finds attractive?... I said I would ask if she liked a certain actress as in, their acting ability, but because they're female, she'll act oddly. I could ask the same about a man and it wouldn't bother her.
Hot, I find it difficult to trust anyone 100%, but I trust her more than I've trusted anyone before. I trust her slightly less now, simply because she goes so over the top when I ask her really innocent questions. I don't think asking "do you think she's good in that film?" warrants a "ffs, you mean do I fancy her?" answer.
I think these replies are unfair- me and DH always ask who's texting the other one and stuff just out of useless curiosity or just plain nosiness.... I don't think it's to do with trust.
How about saying to her that you love her very much and are worried because of the arguing and that you want to come up with some ideas that will help you to feel more confident without her feeling like it's her fault. Could you work something out between you as you hate feeling like this but you don't want her to feel like it's her fault.
some, I know some people do say it's a no no. Why would you ask etc, but sometimes, it's just something like, I know she's expecting a text from her brother, who's been poorly, or is it a mutual friend?etc It's just curiosity and yeah, like you say, sometimes a bit of nosiness. I think there are worse things. I'm not going to lie and say that if some beautiful, witty, clever colleague kept texting/emailing her, I wouldn't be a bit , but I think that's fairly normal. I wouldn't keep pestering her or accuse her of anything, but I may be a tad concerned. Is that wrong? I don't know.
Joysmum, yeah I have tried similar things and she's admitted several times now, that her reactions were silly, but that she thinks she knows what I'm thinking, but when I ask why she assumes that, or what have I done to make her think that, she doesn't know. She usually says it's just a feeling. I haven't said outright that I'm worried though. Maybe I should, because I am.
Could she have possibly had a difficult relationship before you, where an innocent "whos texting" could have been an actual accusation?
Maybe she has issues surrounding these.
Maybe you feel you are acting innocently, but maybe deep down your jealousy is getting the better of you and she can sense it and its making her uneasy?
Im not suggesting either is the case - just giving two different angles.
She may well have been keen to get into a serious long-term relationship. But now, she has serious doubts about your relationship’s future, fuelled partly because of your trust issues.
Being possessive or distrusting is a surefire way of wrecking a relationship. It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy because if your partner ever was attracted to somebody else, your asking questions even in what you term a completely innocent way will start to gnaw away at her.
Did you previously date somebody who let you down, enjoyed making you jealous, was unfaithful to you? You haven't said you have reached the stage yet of reading her emails and looking at her phone and computer history.
Perhaps it is simply that you both came to this relationship carrying baggage and as time goes on, and the 'honeymoon phase' has worn off, you are now finding that there are major cracks, and neither knows how to make things right again.
Or maybe something genuine nudged your instinct and triggered this bout of insecurity.
Is it possible the confusion you mention is a growing need to take a break from this level of commitment? To focus on the things that make you happy that don’t involve a significant other? Maybe this is a signal that a you need to spend some time taking care of yourself, find about counselling.
"Of course I'm jealous of really beautiful girls, who isn't?"
err...lots of women are quite comfortable with who they are and what they look like and don't feel a need to compete. Relax...you've got a lovely gf by the sound of it who you can trust. Stop quizzing her on her text messages - ok you're doing it to be nice but she doesn't like it - so stop doing it. Chances are if she doesn't feel so checked up on she'll just tell you anyway. If you don't back off I think she will eventually decide enough's enough.
I have never asked my DH who I trust completely "who texted you" and he has never asked me. We never have the need to point out attractive actressess or actors. The need to do it indicates a total lack of trust. I hate the expression trust issues as it seems to be used as an excuse for unreasonable controlling behaviour.
I am in my second and wonderful marriage, 16 years so not an honeymoon period. The first time round I was controlled, bullied, questioned and almost broken. I think your GF reactions indicate in previous relationships she has suffered this intrusive behaviour, or you need to deal with your issues not inflict them on her.
If someone hurt you in the past building a long and lasting relationship with your present GF will not happen if you behave in a a way that causes her to feel uncomfortable, untrusted because of your past.
I hope you find osomeone of addressessing the issues that appear to haunt you
Your jealousy and unreasonableness is shining out of your posts I'm afraid. Throwing out that 'of course you're jealous if beautiful girls' as if it's normal just demonstrates this. You may believe it's normal and healthy but I can clearly see it is springing from insecurity.
I too wonder if she's been in a relationship previously with somebody jealous and controlling...
I think that perhaps you're not as easygoing as you think. Your first response in particular was very defensive and dare I say came across as quite aggressive.
Perhaps your partner also feels you are both walking on eggshells and feels her actions or responses are being scrutinised
" I'm not going to lie and say that if some beautiful, witty, clever colleague kept texting/emailing her, I wouldn't be a bit , but I think that's fairly normal. I wouldn't keep pestering her or accuse her of anything, but I may be a tad concerned. Is that wrong? I don't know."
What this tells me is that
1. You monitor who your gf interacts with
2. You openly assess the perceived threat level ie are they particularly attractive/funny/likeable;
3. You in some way communicate your acceptance or disapproval and expect her to acquiesce to your demands.
I don't like the way you're referring to your gf's reactions as strange or difficult to understand. They are totally predictable and classic responses to the behaviour described above.
She needs to get out before she gets damaged further, and you need to describe your abusiveness to a therapist and do what it takes to own your fears and insecurities and stop forcing others to pander to them to their own detriment.
im still on the fence but you do sound like you have issues you need to deal with. To move forward, how about stop asking who's texting, and stop asking opinions on actresses.
Just stop, have the mindset of if she wants to cheat then she will.
However if the situation still doesn't make you happy and you feel something is not tight, then walk away.
Once you get to the stage of checking phones etc whilst still dating/bfgf then the relationship was never right.
Good grief if you can't ask your own partner out of interest who texted them without them getting tetchy then your relationship isn't really working.
I think you need to have a good discussion about boundaries around privacy and sharing. One person's public is another person's private.
I tend to think that, once you start making each other unhappy on a regular basis, it's probably because the relationship is not working. You admit to 'trust issues' which is another way of saying 'possessive' and, if she ends up in tears, then it's wrong to dismiss her reaction as silly.
I'm sure you're both very nice people but you just sound quite wrong for each other.
If she asked you who texted you, how would you feel?
I don't think you are being difficult, I think it's normal and healthy to be fully open with each other.
I think when you ask her she reads it as an accusation of infidelity. There is little hope here, I don't think you can change anyone who is so insecure that they suspect the one person they ought to trust.
Goodness me! Yes, I'll book myself in immediately to see a therapist and admit that I'm an abuser. I said I can be a jealous person, but how on earth that automatically makes me an abuser, I have no idea. I'm not saying jealous people can't be abusive, but from such little information about me, I find it very odd that you can come to such a conclusion.
horse, she does ask me who's text me, actually probably more than I ask her and it doesn't bother me at all. She will also actually ask the question outright, if I think somebody is attractive and I will say yes or no and that's that. I've asked her if she thinks I actually am accusing her and she says no and that she doesn't know why she gets so uncomfortable sometimes. This last argument started from us deciding on a film to watch and I asked if she thought this actress was right for that role. That was it. When things had calmed down, she said that she knew she shouldn't have reacted the way she did and I asked what I could do to stop her feeling like this. She said that there wasn't really anything I could do, but I don't want to accept that. I want this to stop, but I don't want us to stop.
Be very careful OP. She might just be chaotic and immature, but she might be luring you in by turning everything into a drama. The more you react passionately and earnestly, the harder it is to see perspective.
I would suggest break for a while and see how you feel without her being around. And no phone contact while you're away!
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