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Army wife living with domestic violence

(175 Posts)
gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 16:00:52

Am i being unreasonable to have made the choice already that this isn't going to work? I Will give him 1 meeting with relate but that's purely just to give me confirmation that he Will say i have communication problems and we both to blame. The same old thing! Yeah he May not have hit me very often, mostly controlling/aggression over me and kids military style! But he crossed the line when he shook the living day lights out of our stroppy 13 dd on Saturday. If i hadn't of stopped him., i don't want to think about what could of happened! I feel so guilty for feeling so free these past 3 days. And yesterday i got a tattoo. Yes because i could. Now Im allowed to do what i want. Is it Christmas or am i been selfish? My children Will lose their dad., that's not good. But its been so calm in the house. Am i being unreasonable??

DrunkenDaisy Wed 29-Jan-14 16:02:22

You are making the right choice. No DD needs a violent father. Best of luck.

Lemonylemon Wed 29-Jan-14 16:03:04

YADNBU.

squeakytoy Wed 29-Jan-14 16:03:46

Being unreasonable about what?

"Not very often" is too often. He shouldnt hit you at all.

Joules68 Wed 29-Jan-14 18:55:57

has he left?

course its the best thing.but most places like relate etc wontmake appointments with violent abusers

gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 18:59:11

He was told to leave the married quarters and to stay in the single block. Well that's just it he May not have hit me alot but he was very controlling and aggressive. Didn't realise it was abuse.

Hissy Wed 29-Jan-14 19:02:23

The army DO take DV seriously. I recently gave a talk to officers at Aldershot to help them help victims.

You can use every level of support there is. Don't enter joint counselling, get counselling for yourself.

It was abuse love, please let others help you get away from him.

Joules68 Wed 29-Jan-14 19:03:13

so whats your plan now? you cant stay there so what do you think you'll do?

and will he stay away from the MQ?

gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 19:15:46

He is staying away. Also he's been quite calm about things and saying he'll do whatever he has to to get the family back together again, no matter how long it takers. He's due posting back to UK in few months. I've been told welfare Will fly me and kids to where we want to am in UK. And i can get help with housing etc. But what if Im just blowing this out of proportion and things Will be ok? He's such a good husband and father really. We don't want for anything. And Im not brilliant at communicating so that doesn't help.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 29-Jan-14 19:18:09

He isn't a good husband or father. He is abusing you and your DC. I didn't think counselling was recommended with abusive partners.

LurcioLovesFrankie Wed 29-Jan-14 19:18:46

Gr8kids - YANBU (in fact the only thing I'd suggest you think twice about is giving him even one session with Relate). And well done you for having the courage to kick him out. (I have a relative who spent years in a DV relationship, so I know the absolutely incredibly levels of bravery it takes to break free). And you are doing absolutely the best thing you possibly could for your children.

Oh, and enjoy your tatoo - great symbolic gesture. grin

LurcioLovesFrankie Wed 29-Jan-14 19:19:18

oops, tattoo of course!

Squitten Wed 29-Jan-14 19:19:24

He shook your daughter and you felt you had to intervene before he started hitting her. He hits their mother and abuses her.

He is a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE father!!

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jan-14 19:20:37

You would be unreasonable if you consider this a healthy environment to bring kids up in

Why are you even giving him a chance ? It should be one strike and you are out.

Melonbreath Wed 29-Jan-14 19:20:49

The fact that he hit you at all means you need to be apart from this man. And your dd won't miss being terrified and physically shaken I'm sure.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jan-14 19:21:14

(and stay out)

specialsubject Wed 29-Jan-14 19:23:12

'hasn't hit me very often'....even if he'd never hit you or your daughter, the emotional abuse is still bad enough.

he's had his one strike. End of.

Never look back. Good luck to you.

gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 19:29:05

I do feel like Im losing my mind. I can stay in the MQ for 93 days and he has to pay for it. Its now 90 days in counting. And now i have to make a whole new life again. It's quite exciting but Im also shitting myself. I've made a pact with my children that never again in our house Will we get angry. If we get upset that's ok but anger does not solve anything, only makes it worse. And tomorrow Im taking kids to Mcdonalds and this time they can take their time to order what they want and nobody Will get angry with them or expect them to know what they want to eat before we even got there. No more anger!

Dawndonnaagain Wed 29-Jan-14 19:30:15

A good father does not shake his daughter, he calmly tells her what is wrong and sends her to her room. A good husband doesn't hit his wife, no matter how good or bad her communication skills are, he helps her to improve those skills so that they can both benefit. A man who hits women is an abuser. A man who has hit a woman once is an abuser, a man who continues to do so is an abuser. You really are better off out of it, you and the children.

ziggiestardust Wed 29-Jan-14 19:33:53

You will get a certificate at some point (I think) that you can present to your local council, detailing you of your impending homelessness. Although I'm a different service, I've heard of this happening before and I've never known a military wife be left homeless; they've always housed her and her children until suitable accommodation has been found for them. So try not to worry about the 90 days thing! I also believe it's only 93 days from you declaring a separation, and you can delay it by saying you're working on your marriage; something else worth checking out.

But you are not blowing it out of proportion. Do not take him back, he will NEVER change. Not ever.

gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 20:05:42

By the way the welfare bloke is saying, that the 93 days have started because he had to move out of MQ. I've been told I'll get support and help with things. But the thought of having to be moved around till we get our own home, is not good. I need to get a stable home and new schools for the kids. All this upheaval. I've madam honest and said i can't see him alone because Im too vulnerable right now and i Will end up saying sorry. Not sure how strong i can be. At some point I'll need to face him alone.

gr8kids Wed 29-Jan-14 20:07:12

* been not madam

thesnowmanrocks Wed 29-Jan-14 20:07:31

Please do it for the sake of your lovely children.

My dad was in army and beat my mum. The children always no more than you think and will pick up on it. Any man who does that is an arse wank, and wouldn't piss on um if they were on fire!

Keep your children happy as what my arse wank of a father did still affects me now! Arse wanks like that don't care about anyone but themselves I'm affraid!!

Joules68 Wed 29-Jan-14 20:10:29

I was in same situation .... Went on housing list for area of my choice and got a HA home quite quickly

I wouldn't hang around on base, you are already wavering aren't you? edited by MNHQ

LurcioLovesFrankie Wed 29-Jan-14 20:11:23

"I've made a pact with my children that never again in our house Will we get angry. If we get upset that's ok but anger does not solve anything, only makes it worse."

Wow, Gr8kids, that sounds like a fabulous piece of parenting. I think you will make a brilliant job of handling this. Yes, it will be scary, yes, it will be hard, but that post makes me think you and your children will come out the other side of this much stronger and happier.

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