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DH has announced that he is going to stay with MIL for a while, leaving me alone with DS

(130 Posts)

Just that really. Not even to my face, he sent a text during work.

History -We have a 10moDS. I teach Secondary, 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week in the same school (non teaching though). DS is hard work, and we have had a miserable few months since I went back to work. We are shattered. DS does not sleep well.

We both suffer from MH issues - both on antidepressants and DH recently completed 4 years of counselling.

DH keeps telling me that he is not coping with being a Dad. I feel the same, it has been so hard recently. But I do just "get on with it" whereas DH cannot do this. DH gets extremely anxious when DS is stressing him out.

And that's why I think he has gone to stay with MIL. I'm not sure what I feel. I didn't speak to anyone at work about it (they all have to work with him too) and I'm just sitting here wondering if this is ok? Am I ok with this?

I'm too embarrassed to tell DM (she also works in the same school). All my friends work at the school too. I don't have anyone to talk to.

I think I feel let down...? What do I do next?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 23-Jan-14 18:32:45

No it is not ok and yes you at being let down.

However, it does sound like you are both under lots of stress. DH and I managed through the rough times with the odd (pre agreed and equally shared) night in a travelodge each just to get the break. Can you get MIL to look after baby on the weekend and have a proper talk how you nigh might cope better?

Flexiblefriend Thu 23-Jan-14 18:35:12

Ask him which days he wants Ds to be coming to stay at MIL's with him? He is just as much a parent to him as you are, he can't just check out because its tough! I hope you are OK, that must have been quite a shock.

anatouskia Thu 23-Jan-14 18:37:13

In your situation, I would feel let down too. What a horrible way to communicate with you. And what does "for a while" mean?

Please find someone you can talk to in RL and who can support you. Even if it's just one person. As to what you do "next" - get some support tonight, get DS to bed, eat something and have a hot bath. Find yourself some space to think. Take it a day at a time for now.

Doha Thu 23-Jan-14 18:37:15

Total cop out and not acceptable at all.
And to do it by test is unforgiveable.
It is as much his DC and it is yours so who gives him the right to say he needs a break.
I hope MIL kicks him straight home again--if you want him back that is.

FixItUpChappie Thu 23-Jan-14 18:38:58

of course it's not okay. it's neither a mature nor respectful way to deal with a problem surely?

I'd ask him why he gets to opt out on his responsibilities because he's stressed but you don't.

Sounds like you all need to head back to counselling. Becoming parents is a huge adjustment...not a time to change/drop supports.

I agree that we need to talk and get some help. MIL has health issues and can't have DS more than an hour, but my DM could.

A few days ago we spoke about moving in with my DM for a while. It would be closer to work and nursery, and also DM and DS could be on hand for a spot of babysitting. I arranged it with DM...it was his idea. But I guess that's not happening anymore

Jess03 Thu 23-Jan-14 18:40:11

Well it's better he gets a break if he's desperate but, I agree, is MIL going to take DS so you get a break or is this just an option only open to him? If he's a decent guy, explain that you are struggling too and arrange time off for yourself soon. Btw, I went back to work when dd was 10 months and it was hell with sickness etc, got very run down but it really does get better. After the first year she hardly catches anything.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 23-Jan-14 18:46:12

Excellent idea to reply to text with 'I think DS should be with you part of the time you're @ MILs, you'll have her help looking after him - when will you come & fetch him? Kisses, apply. I hope his disappearance hasn't left you with childcare pickup/drop off issues....

Just putting DS to bed, will be back!

Holdthepage Thu 23-Jan-14 19:09:31

I feel for you OP. It is really difficult coping with a badly sleeping baby. Text your DH with the question "When do I get a break?"

I would be interested to hear his reply.

The good news is that this phase doesn't last forever & you will eventually get a decent nights sleep, although it probably doesn't feel that way at the moment. Your DH's running home to his mother is a whole other story though.

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:15:32

Sorry, but what a fucking knob head.

MH issues my arse - he has 'just finished' four years of counselling so he should be on top of the world shouldn't he. If he is still so ill he needs to sue his counsellor.

Sounds like he has taken the cowards way out.

Get to a solicitor asap, get your financial ducks lined up and hit him with a contact order.

Shallow twat.

jasmineramsden Thu 23-Jan-14 19:16:10

Reading your post brought back to me just how horrendous those months were when I had just gone back to work when DS was 9 months, he was awake several times throughout the night and raring to start the day at 5.30am wanting full attention, screamed if put down...,it was bloody awful. There was no rest and I really do feel your pain. My little boy is almost 3 now and while parenting is still hard work (it is if you're doing it right smile ) it is sooooo much easier than it was. I think if my DP had upped and left to his mothers during these moths I wouldn't have forgiven him. You neeeeeed support and a break. Totally agree with the previous poster who said to ask him what days/nights he would like to have his son. He doesn't get to just opt out of being a dad. Imagine what people would say about a mother doing this.....he should be ashamed and he should step up.
Hugs x x

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:16:36

You love your child. Fact is, he doesn't.

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:18:18

Jasmine, respect to you.

But op, call his almighty bluff. Advise him that due to his MH issues he is allowed no further access to his son. The go to the CSA or at least make sure by any means possible, that he starts paying for his child.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 23-Jan-14 19:18:56

Fire, I don't think that's true.

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:19:05

Or is he not up to having any spare money for a coffee at the homeless centre too while he lives with his mother?

Fucking knob.

MIL encourages him - it's infuriating. When DS was younger, MIL used to say to DH (in front of me) "I always have a sofa bed if you need to get some sleep", but would make me the same offer. I did reply with "I don't bloody think so, when do I get a night off?" but she still used to offer DH the sofa bed on a regular basis...

I think "a while" means a few days. He is generally a decent guy, but when he gets depressed he just switches in to "flight" mode.

He's done a similar thing around 4 years ago, that I have just remembered. We bought a house. When we moved in he had some kind of meltdown over the neighbours and he fled to a hotel. We then had to move sad

I feel like a fool. Why would two people with histories of MH ever have a child?

*MIL would never make me the same offer

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 23-Jan-14 19:19:47

...about not loving his child

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:20:26

One last thing: call his work and tell them he has checked out of your and your son's life and put the onus on them to give all his PAYE or whatever, details, to the CSA.

Honestly...he sent a text? he can't cope with being a dad? Knob.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 23-Jan-14 19:22:53

I don't think the OP can do that, fire, any approach comes through the CSA not from the parent, I believe.

Also they work at the same place.

Firekraken Thu 23-Jan-14 19:23:06

OP do you have a history of MH?

Because it doesn't sound like that to me.

It sounds like him and his MIL are just two ickle nonces in an oedipus complex. Leave them to it. He's not a fit father is he. Texts to say he can't cope?

My heart bleeds for him. Not.

Firekraken I'm not sure I agree with everything you have posted. I appreciate that I asked for advice, but hitting him with those kind of threats would just ruin him. I do not want to hurt him or to be spiteful towards him.

Hissy Thu 23-Jan-14 19:23:45

What MOTHER would accept her son walking out on her GC and DIL?

I'd batter my DS if he did this!

Of all the nerves in the world, your H has the flamiest of flaming ones.

Consult a solicitor and start protecting your ds from what a person who will only ever let him down if he's allowed to get away with this.

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