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Things to consider when moving in with a partner?

(28 Posts)
SchoolyardShizz Thu 23-Jan-14 16:21:05

Myself and my partner are currently DISCUSSING the possibility of moving in together. What are important things to consider?

isitsnowingyet Thu 23-Jan-14 16:22:05

Blimey - where to start?

Norudeshitrequired Thu 23-Jan-14 16:25:21

Finances - how the household bills will be split. If he suggests that he will only pay for himself and not you and the kids (example: he pays one quarter and you pay three quarters if you have two kids) then run for the hills.
Also make sure he understands that having the loo seat down is a must.
Also discuss how household tasks will be split.
No leaving toe nail clippings around, no leaving skiddy undies in the wash basket, no leaving beer bottles in the floor. grin

Norudeshitrequired Thu 23-Jan-14 16:25:51

On the floor.

Loads of stuff! Do you have children?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 23-Jan-14 16:27:07

Finances.

Housework.

These are the most important.

Do you have DCs OP?

SchoolyardShizz Thu 23-Jan-14 16:29:22

Neither if us have any children. We both live in different towns...35 minute drive away, we work in our respective towns so would also have to decide where to live.

Lottapianos Thu 23-Jan-14 16:37:26

Well done you for actually giving it thought and treating it as the serious decision it is, not just some fairytale to sleepwalk through. My suggestions for things to think about:
Finances - how will bills be split? Joint account? Etc
How will each of you have your own space? I really need some time to myself and so I have 'my' TV in the bedroom where I can watch my crap TV and boxsets without being judged!
What is important to each of you about a home? Do you have strong feelings about tidiness, mess, clutter?
Household chores - not necessarily a rota but how will you share the cooking and who will do what parts of cleaning? Just having this discussion will help you to see how your partner thinks about these issues

Good luck! Living together is great if you have the right partner but I do think it's important to plan ahead

SchoolyardShizz Thu 23-Jan-14 16:43:26

My partner loves to clean! Whereas I love love love to cook. We would definitely have a joint account. I trust my partner 110%.

She has already said she would move closer to my town, so I would be JUST outside my town centre.

We aren't going to rush. We are going to perhaps really start looking into things in about 4 months or so. She lives at home but I rent from a housing association, very worried about giving this place up to be honest but uts far too small for both of us and it's a fairly rough area.

I will add that we are both female so the leaving the toilet seat up shouldn't be an issue :D

YY, also, what is the expectation re spending time together - do you want to plan it out or just see how it goes? For example DH and I often spend evenings doing stuff separately but at my previous work two of the men expressed exasperation that their girlfriends wanted to be with them all of the time in the evenings and they found that quite difficult, because, as one of them put it "Sometimes you just want to hang out alone in bed in your pants" grin I'm extrovert but I would find that quite difficult as well! So it helps if you have similar expectations. Same with weekends, going out together/separately, having friends over, etc.

I must clarify I didn't mean that as a gender thing but it's more of a personality thing - DH and I clashed in the past because he felt sitting in the same room briefly acknowledging each other but doing separate things was spending time together whereas I didn't, I felt I had connected more with him when we were at separate houses talking on msn. So it's just about knowing how the other person sees things that you see and being able to compromise.

Can you see if it's a possibility to swap houses via your HA? Some have a system where you can swap to another house when your housing needs change. I would look into that before dropping the HA property.

Other thing I thought of randomly - what's both of your attitude to visitors. Can you invite people to stay who the other has not met? Without planning e.g. a friend who had too much to drink being invited to sleep on the couch instead of paying for an expensive taxi, a colleague from work you barely know escaping DV? (Totally hypothetical situation, but helps to know you're both in vague agreement!)

Meerka Thu 23-Jan-14 16:52:13

Make sure you're not too far apart in terms of neatness and cleanliness.

check the finances, how you will split them- ok you've done that smile

are there little things that irritate you now about her? if so, how will you cope when you've seen it for the ten thousandth time?

Have you had The Talk about kids?

SchoolyardShizz Thu 23-Jan-14 16:56:34

We are both very similar in terms of cleanliness I think...I think she may be tidier than me and more house proud. Umm no bad habits as of yet lol.

We would definitely have to have the discussion about friends staying. She doesn't have a massive circle of friends but then again nor do I, she gets on well with them all.

We have had a talk about children, she wants them. Me, I wouldn't rule it out at all, as previously stated we are both female so we have to put a lot more thought and preparation into it I guess. She is 27 and I am 32.

SchoolyardShizz Thu 23-Jan-14 16:58:49

I think we would both appreciate our own space. I've no doubt she would spend the odd evening with her family, they are very close.

We are both into the same things, board games, walks, video games, animals, crafts. We do like to do activities together wheter it be the cinema or a walk along the beach collecting pebbles!

We're quite a plain couple tbh lol

DuskAndShiver Thu 23-Jan-14 17:09:40

1. window open / closed at night. Do you both like it the same way?
2. introvert / extrovert. Do either or both of you need time alone, and how would the other take it? Or another way of putting it: it can be a problem if one of you wants to move in together because you want to be a partnership in principle, but the other wants to move in together thinking that is a guarantee of never having to be alone ever again.
3. money
4. housework
5. marriage. does either or both of you see moving in as a stepping stone to marriage? be clear about this
6. butter in or out of the fridge
7. TV. Appointment viewing or background noise?

How much time do you spend with each other now? Anything already pissing you off? grin

Marriage
Kids
Money
Housework
PIL
Time together and apart

That just about covers it in our house.

Oh and TV in the bedroom. That was my Hamburger Hill.

DuskAndShiver Thu 23-Jan-14 17:48:30

what is hamburger hill?
And which side are you on with the TV?

No TV in the bedroom <waves placard> and Hamburger Hill was a famous Vietnam era battle. I can't stand TV in the bedroom.

Nojustalurker Thu 23-Jan-14 17:55:39

Type of food you like to eat. How are you going to split cooking and tidying up the kitchen. Who is going to do the food shopping. Will you always eat together? What time will you eat?

I am very hungry at the moment.

arsenaltilidie Thu 23-Jan-14 19:04:54

Finances: bills, rent, food budget, furniture.
Chore schedule
And roughly but probably the most important, when are you getting married.

Finances - bills, rent, food, personal spends. Would you discuss big purchases? What about things like cars? Insurance?

Household chores and splitting them equally.

Making sure you are both equally named on the lease or mortgage. If you're buying together, are you going to get married?

Do you want kids? How many?

Socialising and time apart. How will you spend your free time together? Are you happy to sit in front of TV or would you rather go out? What about DP? How will your working hours match up?

How will you deal with arguments etc. when you're together 24/7?

Pinter Thu 23-Jan-14 20:47:11

Money
Housework

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 24-Jan-14 06:50:16

Forget finances and housework. Wasn't this the partner blowing hot and cold and treating you shabbily enough to make you not eat for days on end?

SchoolyardShizz Fri 24-Jan-14 10:40:21

Yes Cogito, she opened up about the reasons behind this and we are much closer now.

I was feeling terrible, but that was because we had argued and broken up. I had an ex staying with me prior to the argument (ex is a very good friend) and I didn't give her the reassurance she needed. We've had a long talk and things are good.

Turns out my girlfriend isn't very good at displaying her feelings, also worrys that I'll get bored of her if she spends too much time with me (her ex used to call her boring)

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