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to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

(208 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 09:17:02

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 09:20:37

What do you mean by 'again'? How many times has he cheated on you before?

With regards to the latest two kisses, did he confess or did you find out first?

Sorry for all the questions!

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 09:26:45

At least 3 times, I have found out each time.

I also found out about the kisses. He only admitted them after I gave him my evidence.

He says nothing more has happened, but its hard to believe someone who has lied

LilyBlossom14 Thu 23-Jan-14 09:35:14

I doubt it stopped at just kisses sadly. And several times??

I don't think i could forgive and also would live in perpetual fear and mistrust of him doing it again. I think he should leave and give you some space while you decide if you want him at all.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 09:35:45

So, a man who has cheated on you at least 5 times. What are your reasons for wanting to stay and try and make it work?

Bl00dyhell Thu 23-Jan-14 09:48:41

Out of curiosity, have you ever asked why he keeps doing this?
I'm in no way trying to justify his actions, but before you forgive him ( or not), isn't this something you would want to understand?

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 09:49:58

I know how it looks, I guess I don't want to believe he is the stereotypical cheating bastard.

The EAs he describes sounds like ego stroking tbh.

I want it to work because he can be a nice guy. Because he is the father of my children. Because I married him. Because we work well together as a team. Because he 'gets' me. Because he would never physically hurt me. Because I need to tell my children I tried to make it work.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 09:51:53

Yes I have asked. He says it was attention seeking while he was down.
But he is getting counselling to try and tackle his issues. So he is trying...

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 23-Jan-14 09:57:57

If he's done it five times you have given him four chances, I'd say. You have tried to make it work. Has he?

To be honest it sounds like he likes courtship (for want of a better word) and isn't very good at the "happily ever after". He is wooing you now, with flowers and compliments and sex but that doesn't demonstrate his long term commitment, I'd say.

What were the circumstances of his indiscretions? I needed mine to give up the situations that had helped him cheat (secret FB messaging, sports trips away) before I was happy.

Like yours, mine had a glimpse of what he had to lose. I do not doubt him now much, except when I feel very insecure, and it will be a shadow forever but removing the opportunity did assist the process.

Bl00dyhell Thu 23-Jan-14 10:00:08

Sorry, but you do know how lame that excuse sounds?
Don't you?

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but, i thought you might like a male pespectve on it.

Ledkr Thu 23-Jan-14 10:01:32

It does seem as if he's not going to change.

I kicked mine out ten years ago and life is sweet.

Just saying grin

DownstairsMixUp Thu 23-Jan-14 10:01:34

If he has done it before, he is never going to change is he? You shouldn't have to get counselling to stop yourself and why should you waste more years of your life with him? It's your choice but I think you should leave now and make a new life for yourself and get the happiness you deserve. Not the same but I've found out a partner was flirting with an ex on facebook and the trust really never was ever there again. I always felt like if I checked his phone again I was in the wrong as I didn't believe it was a one off and then when I didn't and he'd sit on his phone, I was always wondering what he was doing.

Hope your OK OP.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 10:06:28

How lame I sound or him?

Unfortunately his kisses are with work people, and I can't stop him going there (unrealistic to change job as well paid, good location, good hours etc)
I still snoop email, flirting website accounts. No evidence of activity.

I think this is the first time he has really tried to make it work after discovery

Sparklysilversequins Thu 23-Jan-14 10:06:50

Honestly? Going on what you have said, I think he could be "good" for twenty years but he will still do it again. I also think he will probably start to get resentful the longer it takes for you to get over it. I think some people just won't ever be faithful and if YOU want fidelity then you need to just end the relationship.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 10:17:49

So any positive/you think this could work stories? !

Bl00dyhell Thu 23-Jan-14 10:22:42

His exuses, not you.

LilyBlossom14 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:24:29

and if you stop him going to work there he will just find new fodder elsewhere. You should not have to ask him not to go somewhere just in case he is accidentally unfaithful.

don't you think you deserve better than this?

I got rid of my unfaithful 'd'p 2 years ago - and right now I could not be happier. Relief to get rid of such an arse - I cannot tell you. This is the happiest and most secure I have ever been for my whole life. Who'd have thought it. And you could be too - without the insecurity, worry and constant snooping as you are so scared of what you will find he has been up to.

So there is my positive story - it really is the only happy ending you will find - sorry. You read the baggage reclaim site?

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 10:26:37

I want it to work because he can be a nice guy. Because he is the father of my children. Because I married him. Because we work well together as a team. Because he 'gets' me. Because he would never physically hurt me. Because I need to tell my children I tried to make it work

• nice guys don't repeatedly cheat on their partners
• a father who treats the mother of his children like crap
• it takes two to make a marriage work - sounds like there is only one person properly investing in this marriage
• not much of a team when he's consistently playing around with other women behind your back. He's not thinking of you when he's doing that
• he doesn't seem to 'get' that you require trust, faithfulness, respect and commitment in your marriage does he
• you shouldn't be grateful that a man doesn't psychically hurt you - it's a basic human right. Though he doesn't seem to have any problems with mentally or emotionally hurting you
• you have nothing to be ashamed of with regards to your children. It's their father who can't keep it in his pants. Very doubtful the children would respect you for being a doormat

Sorry if the above sounds harsh

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 10:29:05

No not heard of baggage reclaim (apart from at the airport! )

So his changes are being observed as temporary? No one else shares my hope or lived my hope?

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 10:30:54

Also, you seem to only want to hear the positive stories. There are positive stories on hear about marriages who successfully overcame affairs. They tend to be when the man has cheated once, not at least 5 times, and is truly remorseful, open and committed to rebuilding the relationship

Your partner has already had 4 chances to do this, no? Genuine question, what makes you think this time is going to be any different? Other than he's bought you flowers and done a bit of housework.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 23-Jan-14 10:32:00

Houmous I suspect he is very good at hiding his activities and therefore checking all the classic places would be fruitless. He is also in 'being good' phase so you will come up with zip for a while at least but.....do you really want to have to live this way? I suspect that is what previous poster meant with the 'lame' comment'.
I imagine he will cheat again or once he hits a certain age, temptation will avoid him if you get my drift so you will inherit what? An aging lothario with no takers? Five times too! The message is not getting through to him is it?
You and your forgiveness is part of a pattern he relies on to get him his jollies. In the absence of being able to neuter him like a tomcat I would leave him no question. Sorry if I sound harsh, you sound so nice and way to good for him.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Thu 23-Jan-14 10:33:32

The counselling, he has told people what he has done. I think this time he has finally realised what he has to loose

PassAFist Thu 23-Jan-14 10:33:59

Agree with the PP who said he likes the "courtship" part. Right now he is courting you so of course he is being wonderful. Once he has "won" you, you will no longer be a challenge and he will move on to someone else. Then you will find out, he will need to win you back again, and the cycle will repeat ad nauseum.

You don't have to live like this.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 10:38:23

Ok, you're obviously wanting us all to tell you he's a changed man and will never do it again. Only he can demonstrate that, not through hollow words but through his actions.

Is it joint counselling or counselling on his own? See how the counselling goes then and how long his good behaviour lasts. Hopefully he'll be a changed man, though the behaviour does seem a bit too ingrained. Do you really want to live your life on egg shells, full of mistrust and waiting for the next time though? As that is really no way to live.

Jan45 Thu 23-Jan-14 10:39:42

I really don't want to be hurtful but in my eyes a man who betrays you doesn't really love you, not in the way he should and the way you deserve, you'd be better putting your energies into someone who actually deserves your love. He probably keeps doing it cos he can and there's not much consequence.

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