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Why dont I want to have sex anymore :(

(47 Posts)
Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 22:16:59

....Or rather I do, but I cant physically let myself...I become defensive and completely put the shutters down.
Brief History:

Been with Dp 6 years, 1 ds aged 2.

After being with dp a few months, sex life great until I started taking pill. Developed vaginismus as just wasnt "feeling it" down there and it became painful. Thats where Id say the problems started.
After that sex became a sort of...chore. I worried about it and thus put myself off, felt a failure, dp felt rejected etc etc..
We sort of trundled along managing sex now and again but it was never something I felt relaxed about.
Somehow fell pregnant, didnt have sex much throughout that 9 months, didnt feel like it.
Traumatic birth, stitches, complete undiluted fear and dread of sex. It took 9 months to feel brave enough to try.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety when ds was 1.5. Spent 1 year on anti-deps. The crumb of sex drive that remained, vanished.
Recently came off anti-deps as felt ready, and now want to be a "normal" person and enjoy sex again. But I have forgotten what to do, how to feel sad
Last time we tried I felt so ill at ease and uncomfortable I cried afterwards. I was just so tense and couldnt relax, instead of being into it I was on High Alert incase it hurt.

Dp is a Saint. He watches some porn now and again for some "relief" and I feel so shit about that. Frightened he might want to look elsewhere eventually sad

I started taking Omega 3 and Vitamin E as I read they can aid with sexdrive and I have felt great, depression and general anxiety gone.

Has anyone else felt like this, if so what did you do?

phoolani Wed 22-Jan-14 23:41:49

Seriously? I am the queen of overcome issues! A tip: you don't have to bare your deepest, darkest secrets to anyone; just make sure you bare them to yourself. You can sugar coat everything for other people, so don't concern yourself about exposing everything before you can handle it. Think about yourself for now.

cardamomginger Wed 22-Jan-14 23:43:41

Do you think you are still traumatised from the birth? Might counselling help this?
I think taking penetration completely off the table is a good idea. At the end of the day it is invasive. Yes, it's generally good invasive, but it is still an invasion. Stick with non-penetrative stuff.
Do you masturbate? It might help you to get more in touch with your body and start waking up the nerves in a good way. You could also try using a vibrator as this will help your body to get used to penetration - you can control what's happening, get used to it, and build up your confidence that it is possible. It may take some time for it to feel OK - but the muscles will relax and any tender areas will desensitise.

In many ways you sound like me. DH and I didn't have the best time in bed before I had DD - prior to trying to conceive I was terrified of becoming pregnant and had a nightmare with trying to find a form of contraception that didn't turn me into a psychotic maniac or leave me bleeding for 3 weeks out of 4. Whist trying to conceive I became obsessed with ovulation (and then it turned out we had a problem and were about to start IVF before DD decided to implant herself). Then horrifically traumatic birth, multiple birth injuries, 3 lots of major surgery and severe PTSD. It's been 3 years since DH and I have had sex.

Well done for posting here. It takes guts to do it. Good luck XX

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:48:13

Casmama what contraception are you now using, if any? Youve made me think of Sting and Tantric sex there aswell smile I wonder if dp could possibly manage that..

BillyBanter Wed 22-Jan-14 23:50:06

I agree with taking the possibility of penetrative sex off the cards for say a minimum of 6 months*. That takes pressure off you and your DP too. In that time I'd recommend some counselling for you and maybe a couple of sessions with both of you.

If cuddling etc is ok for you then stick with that affection if you possibly can.

* if you change your mind before then that's fine.

Feelafailure Wed 22-Jan-14 23:59:01

You are very brave phoolani x

oh cardamomginger it sounds like you have been put through the wringer. You must have a very understanding Dh. Yes, we seem to have been in a very similar situation pre-children. I too have had a love/hate relationship with the pill.
I tried masturbation again recently after having no interest in it whatsoever for months and months, and sadly found it lacking compared to what it used to be, its as if a taps been turned off and the feelings cant flow properly sad
Wishing peace of mind and body to you. thanks

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:00:54

Thankyou Billy that is something I may have to consider.

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:04:36

Hi there, why did you persevere with the pill ehen it didn't suit you? A coil or similar is absolutely the best thing ever, and so under used in the UK I think. I wonder if you are over analysing it - you do get out of practice and the thought is weird and alien after not doing it for a while - maybe you just need to commit to doing it to get over it?

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:06:50

That's what I did anyway, and it worked for me.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:13:47

I stuck with it because I foolishly thought it was the best form of contraception Wileycoyote, the most reliable :/ I also had the added advantage of knowing when my period would start/end and decreasing cramp a little. Do you also have the mirena coil? I mistakenly thought that was the one that released a small amount of hormones.
Im absolutely over-analysing it now, yes. Having been trying to get to the root of the problem for so long Ive kind of frozen myself to the spot, become rigid with anxiety. Vicous cycle

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:15:32

....is sex enjoyable and undaunting for you again, after a long break?

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:24:05

Yes, have been having the best, most liberating sex ever. Admittedly with a different man than the one I was with but it's me that has changed!!! I did originally get back on the horse so to speak with my previous partner though and it was just a matter of 'just do it' grin

I have a non-hormonal copper coil. Tried one and I could feel it, so had that removed and a smaller one fitted - have never looked back!!

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:26:02

Sexual feelings and libido are such a big force/energy for me now I can't imagine switching off again, but if it did happen I think I would know that the fear is just a paper tiger.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:26:34

Oh Wiley thats amazing to hear. Kudos smile am considering changing now.

DistanceCall Thu 23-Jan-14 00:33:04

Have you tried a diaphragm? It's a sort of silicon lid that covers your cervix and acts as a barrier. You stick it in with some spermicide when you want to have sex and it's quite safe and comfortable. You need to get measured by an ob-gyn for it, but I've found them a very good option, and I believe the NHS will cover the cost.

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 00:41:39

They never looked reliable to me Distance, but if you found it to be good I will discuss it with Gp.
I have decided to consider all options available and come off pill. If not the answer, Im sure it will certainly help my situation.

Thankyou to all who replied to me tonight, you have each made me feel a whole lot better, and even quite hopeful. thanks

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:42:20

The thing about the coil is that it completely allows spontaneous sex, as many times as you like!! No hassle, no interruptions and no planning, and also no side effects. Like I said though, I had one fitted and removed before I found one that suited me, but is definately worth a try.

wileycoyote Thu 23-Jan-14 00:42:50

Good luck!!

Feelafailure Thu 23-Jan-14 01:04:55

Oh Wiley, how does it affect your periods, are they heavier, more painful...? I heard this can be the case with the copper coil?

MadBusLady Thu 23-Jan-14 09:29:37

Hope you make progress OP, good luck flowers

selfdestructivelady Thu 23-Jan-14 09:43:41

I have a copper coil I find there are no side effects my periods are no more heavy or painful. It didn't hurt that much to put in and I had three failed attempts and had to have it done at hospital. I'd still have another it's so fuss free.

DistanceCall Thu 23-Jan-14 12:28:14

I've found the diaphragm completely reliable (I've been using it for more than 12 years now, and never had a problem). After all, it basically smears your cervix full of spermicide AND acts as a barrier. So any sperm that manages to wriggle its way through is killed by the spermicide.

You do need to get the measurement right, so talk to your GP, yes.

wileycoyote Sat 25-Jan-14 23:55:01

Yes, some people have problems with heavy periods with the coil but mine are OK with this one I have now - the previous one that didn't suit me made them heavy though.

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