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I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

(309 Posts)

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it sad.

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie blush.

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies confused.

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? blush.

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant wine for you.

Rooners Wed 22-Jan-14 17:57:56

Take it as read Bunny

however I do live about 300 miles south of you. You just sound lovely, you really do.

I don't have any RL friends really either. Probably about one tbh.

CailinDana Wed 22-Jan-14 17:58:02

Bunny what would you class as "inane chatter"?

Thank you Stealth thanks

Being pregnant has probably exacerbated my feelings. I BF DD for two years so if I do the same for this DC I'll be looking at parole for good behaviour in, oh, 2016!

I just feel like <<cliché alert>> life is passing me by. That I'm stuck in this house stagnating while everyone else is out having fun. And I called someone else a drama llama??! grin.

Aww bunny, jump on the train and get your arse up here to peterhead and we will chill out laugh at stupid stuff and eat our body weight in chocolate!!!

I feel the same sometimes, people just dont "get " me!! Im your friend smile

The amount of times I've had a brief conversation with a school mum about something I've approached them about (school related) only for me to politely answer before being engulfed by the clique of other mums and I'm left hovering like a lemon on the side lines. It's just embarrassing.

long distance friendships work out ok sometimes...I have been known to send a fellow mumsnetter a xmas jumper just cos she needed it lol!! And she is miles further away than you smile <projects that needy face right back at you smile>

MadBusLady Wed 22-Jan-14 18:01:02

x-posted. Yeah, this is kind of what I mean, I'm afraid:

I don't ask much - just someone who likes Showgirls and RuPaul's Drag Race and dry martinis?!

Anyone here want to put their hands up to all those?

MadBus - that is so strange. I feel exactly the same about the rest of MN. I convince myself everyone else is best mates and I'm on the fringes. I'm really sorry if I've ignored you thanks.

Cailin - Inane chatter to me is the office cooler stuff I used to cringe at at work. Soaps, reality TV, Peter Andre, local gossip. Just not my bag.

GlitzAndGiggles Wed 22-Jan-14 18:02:39

I'm girly and into girls activities but also a bit of a loner sad I'm 21 but you sound epic

That was a deliberately arch description of my tastes MadBus.

I actually like a wide and varied range of stuff and can usually find at least one common topic to talk to a new person about.

It's finding people who are generally the same kind of unconventional as me that stumps me. I don't expect someone to be a mirror image of me but as with finding a SO I think a certain level of shared humour/interests/references is beneficial.

MadBusLady Wed 22-Jan-14 18:03:20

smile flowers I think the answer is to move to a big city TBH though I realise that's not a very practical suggestion!

Well if any of you that are in Bunny's boat <ooh er> are near West Sussex, come hang out with me, I'm happy to be along distance friend too. smile

SparklingMuppet Wed 22-Jan-14 18:05:37

I have lots of aquaintances and only a handful of real friends, honestly, it's less than five. And I wouldn't call any of them to come round with a bottle of wine and chat on the sofa, unless it was a group of three of us or more. I've been burned with close friendships going sour before, and whilst turning a school run hello into a friendship is perfectly possible, it does require a degree of openess and willingness to overlook someone's not-so-perfect bits. Don't try and see school run friends in the same way as true lifelong ones (I have a total of zero of those!). You do have to be prepared to put yourself out there a bit - go on the drinks your year group organise, organise some yourself, do the whole going for coffee after drop off/before pick up etc. Yes you have to put some effort in, but the pay off is a bit more of a social life. It doesn't have to be the sole focus of your life though if you don't want it to be.

Badvoc Wed 22-Jan-14 18:06:48

Bunny...you sound ace smile
(And a tad like me? smile)
I have little in common with the other school gate mums. I don't like gossip, don't do coffee mornings etc.
Don't shop as a leisure activity, am not girly, not interested in celeb culture (there's an oxymoron for you!)
Anyway, just wanted to day you sound perfectly lovely. Remember - It's not you, it's them! smile

Tits I'm near you smile I think our youngest dc are similar age.

Bunny I've seen you about too do you come here often? wink and also like your posting style/posts.

MadBusLady Wed 22-Jan-14 18:07:59

The other thing about big get-togethers is they tend to all be people from the same setting (often school/university etc). I'm not in touch with my schoolfriends any more sad which is partly my own fault for not making the effort but also because I moved away <gulp> and they all stayed put. It's not easy to recreate that big group thing unless you've all had a shared experience.

I think a lot of people do 'inane chatter' (or boring-Mummy-talk at baby groups) with people they don't know well. You tend to need to get to know people a bit better before you move onto more interesting/personal topics. I know it gets a bit dull if you're not into Strictly/X-Factor/Eastenders (or BLW/nappies/nursery choices) but maybe you need to persevere rather than writing someone off entirely on the basis of their smalltalk?

this cracked me up, Bunny. I felt very much like you when I had my two oldest. But then I practised the inane chatter bit, and do you know, Diamonds have emerged from the mud! Not sure if I'd repeat it, but now I don't have to. my Secret talent is now inane chatter to bore away unwanted attention grin So it was win-win in the end...

Badvoc That has been my mantra for years but when everyone around you seems to have a fun social life and you're permanently wearing pyjamas you begin to question where the problem lays!

I'm from Ireland originally and I can see from FB that all my old school friends are still best friends, godmothers to each others babies etc. I envy their long-lasting friendships but I couldn't wait to leave where I grew up. So maybe I've always been weird.

lottieandmia Wed 22-Jan-14 18:10:59

You sound a bit like me, Bunny and I'm 33 as well. I don't like girly holidays and clubbing either and I don't fit into groups of women.

trice Wed 22-Jan-14 18:11:13

Try not to write off people who are "inane", they may just be doing smalltalk so as not to scare you off. I had a conversation about celebrity big brother at the school gates today. I probably know more about astro physics than celebrities but I gave it my best shot.

I have friends who I have nothing much in common with (think evangelical Christian surrendered wife) but we like each other and enjoy a coffee. Sometimes variety isnice.

turbo I really have tried. I have started friendships and made real efforts with a few different people. But it's never gone anywhere or turned into a real bond. Fizzles out after a few coffees etc.

My text message inbox contains messages from DP, my Mum, my Dad and my brother. SADDO I tells ya grin.

Badvoc Wed 22-Jan-14 18:14:17

You know what?
I was on FB for 6 months.
It was quite the most depressing 6 months I have spent.
If people are having that good a time, they wouldn't have time to post about it on FB every 5 minutes ditto posts about their amazing holidays and wonderful families....
And - I hate to break this to you - people lie smile

NettleTea Wed 22-Jan-14 18:14:24

I have one proper 'go round to her house for tea' friend on the school run. She looked as non cliquey as me and I took the plunge and spoke to her. She is great.
I now have one of her friends as a friend too.
and no, 1st friend is lovely and doesnt get jealous if we meet without her. we are not at school now.
Got 1 girl friend from when I lived in London still, I see her every couple of years.
And one friend who is the most out there alternative eco hippy lady who was the girlfriend of one of DPs friends
That just about does me. I too see lots of wine and mwah mwah girls night outs and Im glad they are having fun, but I know I wouldnt really want it.
If your not from the samey samey mould then people like you are few and far between, but they are there. and they have a much more interesting lives once you find them.

TinselTownley Wed 22-Jan-14 18:15:22

I think it's much harder to find good female friends than it is men but, truly, the right ones are out there.

I felt wholly isolated when I had both my children. My feelings about school runs and toddler groups mirror mine. I put my world into the home and the world seemed very small and frightening.

Then - whoosh. I met the most amazing group of people through work all of home are opinionated, intelligent and bloody lovely. To be honest, I think friendship takes practice and, when you've fallen off the bike a bit, it's really hard to get back on. Plus, you start exhibiting a fear of bikes, situations where you might meet bikes and - above all - cyclists.

You sound amazing. Sort of like a Raleigh Chopper but with beautiful polka dots and great shoes. I'm sure it wont be long till you are riding in tandem with some people who get you and who you get in return.

Maybe get into first gear by worrying you've doing something wrong. You just need the confidence to get back in the saddle and peddle. Don't be heartbroken if the wheels fall off or if you start with an old shopper rather than a Cube. Let your mud guard down and someone will unlock you pronto.

I've not been drinking BTW.

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