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I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

(309 Posts)

I was going to name change but fuck it.

I have no friends. None. Not one.

I have no social life. I haven't been on a proper night out in years.

I am a SAHM and pregnant with DC2. We live in a city where we have no family. Just me and DP. Every night. On the sofa watching box sets. We have become far too co-dependent and I am filling up with resentment about it sad.

I had awful experiences at both school and uni with groups of girls who I thought were my friends and have ended up quite damaged and I think self-protective because of it.

I am a good person. I am kind and thoughtful and a good listener. I love company and really miss laughing with a friend over silly things.

However I have been told many times that I am intimidating. I really don't mean to be. Resting bitch face maybe?! I am smart and witty but also sarcastic, intolerant of idiots and am maybe just a wee bit judgemental. If anyone has seen Cougar Town I think I'm a bit like Ellie blush.

I am a wannabe 50's pin-up who drinks whiskey and quotes films with probably irritating regularity. I find it easier to talk to men in social scenarios (mainly because DP's friends are the only people I see in a social setting) but I haven't connected with anyone as a proper friend.

I don't like a lot of the designated 'girly' activities. I hate shopping. I hate romcoms and pink wine. I would rather eat my own head than go out clubbing in a big group of girls. I don't watch soaps or I'm a Celebrity. Hen dos bring me out in hives.

I made myself go to baby/toddler groups with DD1 and I hated every minute. As much as I love my DD I don't want to talk just about babies and BLW etc which is the experience I had. Competitive parenting everywhere.

In the past 5 years I have met 2 people who I initially thought I might be able to forge a friendship with.

One is a complete drama llama who dramatically declared herself an alcoholic then decided she wasn't and now gets drunk and rants on FB most nights. And once made a pass at DP. Needless to say she's off the list.

Person No.2 is someone I thought I had a lot in common with (50's clothing and kitsch etc) but is very much a Mimi and turns out has at least mild homophobic and racist tendencies confused.

I say hello to people on the school run but many of the mums seem quite cliquey (could be me projecting because of my bad experiences) and besides how do you turn a school run hello into a friendship??

When I see people on FB having big get-togethers or checking in on their sofa with their friends and wine I like I positively seethe with envy. Recently I have started getting really upset about the whole situation.

I have this vision of living somewhere where I make friends with a group of the neighbours and we have raucous nights in around the table laughing and listening to music. Sad much?? blush.

How can I make friends? Are there any people out there like me? At 33 am I destined to be this sad twat for the rest of my days? Has anyone been in a similar situation and changed it?

Alternatively are there any rent-a-friend websites?!

If you have made it to the end of this pathetic rant wine for you.

LittleBabyPigsus Fri 24-Jan-14 19:27:50

Also, I am fat and have friends....hmm

Attractive does not equal slim.

RoseHoney Fri 24-Jan-14 19:31:15

I think you need to think less and act more.
Hear me out....
I'm a young mum, used to live in a lovely area with a lot of posh people, very cliquey and they were all abit intimidating, I hated it! So I moved back to my home town!
After a few months I realised why I moved away in the first place so after as year we moved back to said posh area, I enrolled my eldest child in preschool and I decided this time I would stop being so shy and judgmental and just talk to people! I set myself a task to talk to one new person a day, even if it was just a friendly hello.
It worked wonders!! I now know at least 50 people locally, I cannot do a preschool run without talking to at least 3 mums, not just a hello either, an actual conversation about our lives! And we go on play dates at least once a week.
I also signed myself up to the school PTA so I know people pretty well now.

Sometimes you just need to step out of your comfort zone and do the unthinkable.

Maybe these cliquey mums are really lovely?! Give them a chance, set yourself a challenge smile

ScottishPies Fri 24-Jan-14 21:00:32

I'm in W.Yorkshire and would love to met up.

Though i don't wear make-up but do love heels and galleries and museums and art and independant cinem

I have some close friends but they live various distances from me, they are all very different types of people and i love that about them - i have occassional coffee dates but no one pops round for a cuppa.

And i'm older then you and no dc's...but don't hold that against me!

PM me if you fancy an afternoon wander round a gallery! xx

moop136 Thu 13-Feb-14 20:17:01

I know I am quite late joining the party, but Bunny, man I could pretty much relate to everything you said! Now I promise that I wont start getting all gushing and emotional (but 1 drink at the mo and I am anybodys!), but I have had pretty much the same experiences with friends across the years! I currently have only 2 female friends who I can actually talk to, but find myself comparing myself to others who seem to have many, many friends. But I have never been able to fake bits of my personality to fit in. I have never fit in, only my husband seems to understand my dry wit and sarcasm, actually, sometimes my sarcasm is lost on him sometimes!!
I work with a mainly female staff, and find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall as they discuss their handbags, shoes, clothes, cupcakes, bunting etc. I have a sudden hatred of bunting,and floral nonsense, cath friggin kidston. Ah, I work with a herd of sheep! I want to read my Zombie book or Empire magazine without having to listen to such gubbins. Maybe I do isolate myself a little!
I have a 16 month old DD, and also attended a mother and baby group, but most of the other mothers always looked at me like I had just pooped on the floor. I hadn't, but with the way they would look at you almost mae me snap and do something silly! You hear about people making new mum friends for life when they embark on motherhood, so I put too much pressure on myself in the first few months to try.
I live in West Yorkshire, and I am always up for a coffee and and chat.
Wow I can ramble on!

NoelMamereGaelMonfils Fri 14-Feb-14 11:02:48

I agree with those who've said, very kindly, that you need to get over yourself a bit, and I say that because I recognise a lot of my younger self in your OP.
I think first you need to recognise that the bad experiences you had at school and uni were well over a decade ago, going by your age: are you going to let them define you for the rest of your life?

Secondly, other people have much richer inner lives than you might think. Don't be too quick to judge on school gate conversations. I recently discovered, for instance, that a girl at my antenatal class I only ever talked babies with has serious expertise in 18th-century porcelain.

And thirdly, it sounds a bit daft, but what really helped me get over myself was thinking about the social role of "inane" chitchat almost anthropologically. Small talk is far from pointless: it's called phatic communication and it functions as a signal that you are putting out friendly vibes, kind of like chimps grooming each other. If you don't engage in that kind of small talk, you're not signalling your desire to partake in more satisfyingly intimate social encounters.

singleandfabulous Fri 14-Feb-14 11:16:08

Bunny you sound fabulous! (and just like me). My (few) friends are a bit tomboyish and alternative too. I just wanted to give you brew & cake and say, it's not you - it's them. It's hard being in any way 'different' from the girly norm and you will be viewed with suspicion by some if you don't go along with the herd. It's hard but at the end of the day, would you want to hang around with the glitter-loving, pink fizz swilling girly girls anyway? Where are you?

potatofactory Fri 14-Feb-14 11:20:33

Good point, Noel

singleandfabulous Fri 14-Feb-14 11:30:25

Sorry, I've just spotted up-thread that you're in Leeds.

CuntyBunty Fri 14-Feb-14 11:30:36

My friends don't have to be like me. One will text me with "Lol Hun" when I send her a rude jokey text. I would never use "LOL Hun" and she would never make a joke about female masturbation. But we get one another. She is warm. I was thinking about this thread the other day and pondering what my local mates have in common with me and the overwhelming answer was warmth and sense of humour.

We are all different, but if someone takes you for who you are, while you are being yourself and you appreciate them as they are, then you've got a friend. Ok, if you describe yourself as "alternative", as you've found, you look similar to someone else, but you are not like them, deep down. That woman has a different "sense of humour" to you and a different belief system.

Has anything good happened yet, as a result of starting this thread?

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