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im so sad..

(58 Posts)
crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:08:03

I feel like I've wasted 23 years of my life.
Thats how long we've been together. 3 dc aged 2-10.
Husband has m.e/CFS and has become bitter, angry and depressed.
He doesn't do anything with the kids ever. I work fulltime, drop the kids to school and childminders, and pick them up again on the way home. I do everything at home, everything with the kids, just everything.
Dh sleeps all day hence the childminder. Wakes late afternoon to take medication. Stays up all night to admin a website he part owns.
He tells me he loves me and wants a physical relationship but I end up pushing him away as I'm exhausted and pretty much seething with resentment.
I have no social life, we go nowhere together due to his illness and I can't go out on my own becasuse I would never hear the end of it. He is very insecure, very jealous, will sulk and make sarky comments if I'm away from my desk and he can't reach me by phone.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I'm getting more and more angry. Yesterday he couldn't reach me on my mobile on my way home so left me a shitty voicemail ( which he always says isn't shitty and I'm being paranoid ) so when I got home he was in the bath, which meant me doing dinner again. I lost my temper and started kicking the bathroom door. I'm so ashamed.
The kids are so good. They have no expectations from him anymore, they even excuse his shouting outbursts, saying they understand he's ill.
I don't want them to grow up with that though.
He sleeps on the sofa every night till I get up, then transfers to bed once we've all hone to work and school. My 2 year old thinks that's his bed !! I've asked him not to as we can't use the lounge but he blames it on me saying I get too angry if he crawls into bed at 5am.
I have got annoyed in the past as I just wanted him to share the same sleep cycle as the rest of the family but I've given up now. I don't believe thats the reason anyway as he sleeps in the bed if we have sex, it feels like its only worth sleeping next to me if he's getting some.
Were pretty skint as we live on my salary and my tax credits alone and I know not having his own money masked him feel

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Feb-14 18:26:23

yes, Mrs Kent

Tell him that ^ op
I'm disabled and make lots of demands on dp because I have no choice; but I would try to make changes where I could

MrsKent Wed 05-Feb-14 09:39:44

He has ME/CFS. It is unbelievably hard to manage a long term condition that causes daily pain.
He also is depressed. This is a serious health issue that needs treatment.
He also is unreasonable and unwilling to help himself by following a very unhealthy lifestyle and shutting down his family connections.
I feel he is also acting like a bad father to the children.
If you want to stay with him for whatever reason be aware that you cannot help him, he needs to be willing to help himself and you need to decide how much you are willing to put up with.
If you decide not to continue with him be sure you are not leaving because he is ill but be because he has no intention of trying to lead a better life.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 21:10:20

Yes I realise you have a CM atm - and I see no reason why your bloke cannot do more if he gets himself sorted as described above. I just meant that he may not be well enough to do without one altogether from time to time.

Either he makes changes or he leaves. And it is not all about your happiness either as he seems to think - it is about him being the best he can.

Even if he achieves these changes, the relationship may be over.

foolonthehill Tue 04-Feb-14 21:05:20

He does nothing and you would not really miss him.

Are you worried about what people would think of you throwing such an "ill" man out?

because i actually can't see any other reason for putting up with everything that you have told us (and this from someone who lived in an abusive marriage and had my eyes firmly closed for over a decade).

Your Oh may be depressed may have ME and may have CFS but NONE of those things actually excuse the way he treats you and your children. And his symptoms do not fit with the degree of disability he claims.

i think that you are a strong and capable woman and for some reason see that this is something that you can and should cope with, when in fact you deserve so much better.

You gave him a second chance 4 years ago, he has not kept his promises and is not living for the benefit of his family or you.

I think you will walk away from this eventually. try hard to think why you would want your DCs to see this as normal or to model their future lives and relationships on it. if you can't think of a reason you know you need to go.

paxtecum Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:14

I hope you get the strength to resolve this and ask him to leave.

He may make changes after he has left, which would benefit all of you
It's unlikely that he will change if you don't make him leave.

Your home will become a happy home without him in it.

Best wishes to you.

RandomMess Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:01

I really think you ought to call his bluff and tell him to go.

I am leaving my dh because despite promises to address his issues on his own, or our issues together he doesn't want to take responsibilty for either. I've waited over 2 years. My life is passing me by so I've decided to do something.

All my ds see is 2 depressed parents, if I leave at least I may be happier - who knows perhaps he will address his own issues and be happier too.

There is absolutely no reason for him to stay up until 5am and then do nothing all day. Even at my most depressed I contributed something!!

JuliaScurr Tue 04-Feb-14 20:44:49

I agree with bertha

The relationship might be saved if he commits to improving your liestyle.
His situation re health is unfortunate and not his fault, but he could deal with it better, eg have a more acceptable sleep pattern. His financial situation is not his fault, it's a policy predicted to inevitably put stress on relationships. It could still be coped with better. He is surely depressed - it often causes irritability. He needs to get some treatment.

You can make some reasonable demands and give an ultimatum. Though much of it isn't his fault, he's not helping. you can't go on like that forever. He must commit to making changes

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:31:46

If I try and talk to him he goes into full victim mode.
He sees it as me attacking him, me moaning.
He just says over and over, well I don't want to be the reason your unhappy.
So change then !!!!!

But he won't. So he says shall I just go,or, there's no point to this. Its like he calls my bluff and I'm such a controlled idiot I can't take that step.
The whole house feels poisonous my poor kids !!

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:28:07

I do pay for a childminder. He doesn't have the 2 year old anymore. He was refusing to get up from the sofa when he had him. Once the t.v was on and the 2 year old was watching it from 8,30 when I left till 11 when I checked to see how things were. He answered the phone clearly half asleep and said he had been just dozing.
Fuck that. I have a childminder now so he literally doesn't have to do anything.

cjel Tue 04-Feb-14 20:22:09

I also don't see him being to ill to cope with any part in your family but can mange sex.
I left H after 35 years together(30married) and wish I'd done it decades ago. I was 52 and am building a lovely happy life for myself its amazing. I am not angry.I have no resentment, can do what I want with my life, I too wish I'd not wasted my life,I wish I was only 40smile!!!!

I'd ask him to move out for a bit, see how much energy he gets then and decide whether its his illness(which I doubt) or just complete pigheadedness .

Please don't feel bad about wanting better for your life and your dcs.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 20:19:21

My post relates to him addressing his depression. According to Mind (among others) normal interactions with your family and friends should improve mh, and being more (any) use to said family should do likewise.

He can recover from depression; ME/CFS is a condition that needs managing. I know a little about it, as have a friend with ME who works p/t - but she has to plan her energy expenditure very carefully.

She uses energy for the important things - housework, family, work. She can be felled by a cold, though. Extrapolating from her (but his ME'll be worse?) I would think he could manage family outings, and do some of the day-to-day stuff around the house, at least. You might need a childminder as back-up if illness knocks him out like it does my friend.

But you (and him) won't know what is possible until he attempts to live more 'normally'. If he won't, then I stand by the cocklodger diagnosis.

bigboobsbertha Tue 04-Feb-14 20:13:11

If I were you I would write him a letter saying everything you have said here and ask him honestly what he thinks you gain from the relationship. That way there is no screaming and shoutin and eye rolling etc. Then tell him you want to set aside a time, convenient for you to discuss this properly. If he wont or cant, then tell him thats it, youve had enough.

maparole Tue 04-Feb-14 20:06:27

I've known a couple of people with ME and it is a terrible thing to be struck with, but the thing about it, probably more than most illnesses, is that any sort of recuperation really demands the wholehearted commitment of the sufferer. It needs high-level management of diet and lifestyle.

He isn't doing any of that, or indeed anything at all; he is simply using the illness as an excuse to be lazy and obnoxious. Playing the "poor me" card doesn't wash.

I'd guess that part of your reluctance to leave is down to guilt about quitting your husband when he is ill. He is deliberately playing on this guilt, both with you and your children. You need to debunk this mindset and get shot asap.

Woody31 Tue 04-Feb-14 19:46:24

You are not a cold person OP. You seem like an amazing mum, hardworking and organised. You and your children deserve a husband and father who is part of the family, not a cling on who sleeps all day. The sex thing bugs me - who does he think he is ? Sex in marriage should be between two people who love each other. It is the cherry in a marriage not the frikin cake.Do not let him make you feel guilty about it. Work on a timescale - give him a week if he hasn't done more to support you and the kids or tried to get on your time zone then enough is enough. Just think what could happen if you got ill with stress or anxiety too. Look after yourself and your kids x

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 19:45:23

Always him that has to change? Like it's normal to go to bed at 5am and sleep till 2.30?

I'm a night owl, my kids are grown and I live on my own. Even I have a rule that says bed 4am at very latest, and only occasionally. And bed 2am at latest is my normal rule.

The first rule of dealing with any mh problem is to get some sort of sleep hygiene in place. Only then can one start to see what's what. His GP or any psychiatrist would say the same.

{I still think he is just a lazy cocklodger, if he wants to prove otherwise let him bring his hours in line with GMT and the population of the UK.}

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 19:19:57

Hello. Can I post again.

Things are no better.
Dh is in sulking mode becasuse we haven't had sex in ages. I'm so tired all the time though and to be honest I'm feeling more and more resentful.
I hate it when he's around.
He's still going to bed around 5am and sleeping all day.
Saturday I took the youngest two out and left dd1 with him at home as she had a party at three that he said he would take her to. He got up 30 mins before it started.
He is saying the illness is the cause of his exhaustion but how does staying up till 5 laughing and joking with friends on the internet help ??
This morning I left for work with the kids as he climbed into bed.

I've told him I'm not happy how things are. He says its always him that has to change, what about the issues he has with me. When I ask what they are its always about sex !!
So Ive told him if things continue he might as well not be here.
He came out with a very forlorn " well I don't want to be the cause of you being unhappy so fine obviously its all me so I will have to go won't I"
He's very angry and sarcastic. I really don't think he sees my point. I've told him he has no involvement in family life at all and he just rolls his eyes and says yes that's right I'm a cunt, I'm terrible.

I feel so sad.

I don't think I'm brave enough to see this through. I asked him to leave 4 years ago and he did for 3 months but I stupidly took him back after he promised things.
I am cold I know I am. Im just so resentful. I don't want to keep messing with my kids lives.

Oh god I don't even know why I'm posting.

captainmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 22:30:50

Op ' something stops you and you freeze'? That is the actual ACT of doing something! Once you are over that, it's easy!

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 22-Jan-14 21:30:23

Sorry for making you cry. I agree with everyone who thinks you should leave. If you don't leave/end the relationship then you are activiely choosing this life for yourself and your children.

haveyourselfashandy Wed 22-Jan-14 21:24:52

Don't stop posting crikey,it does piss me off when people stay in shitty relationships for whatever reason but as of yet I've never been in that situation,I've always left,once with nothing apart from a bag of clothes for me and my ds.I'm impulsive like that though never think things through but I always manage!
YOU deserve more than this.You can have more than this if you really want it.It's not easy but what is this man bringing to yours and your children's life?
Please keep posting it will do you good to write things down and people here will support you,even if they don't agree.

JaceyBee Wed 22-Jan-14 21:22:14

I was just thinking what AF said, he's too tired to play with his kids but not for sex! That's not in line with my experience of CFS!

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 21:06:35

crikey, are you going to do "fuck all" then ? That would be very sad.

AnyFucker Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:18

Call me cynical but he's not too debilitated to want the porn star sex, eh ?

I don't know how you bring yourself to show him any physical affection at all, tbh, he is a fucking arsehole.

Ehhn Wed 22-Jan-14 20:58:20

He's being ridiculous. A dear friend of ours has had me and Cfs for 20 years and there are days when she is so ill and achey that she can't move or get out of bed. But it doesn't stop her from being kind and supportive, from doing what she can and making the most of her good days. She is brave, cheerful and admirable, although she had to give up work, but she contributes to her household in other ways - mainly by being a centre of calm, good cheer and advice and a little domestic help.

Your h needs to address his behaviour, sleep patterns and depression.

sharkey1187 Wed 22-Jan-14 20:36:08

Crikey, until he accepts he has control over his CFS, he cannot use it as a bargaining tool to keep you there. He is doing every thing he can to make his illness worse and this is not fair on your family. I have CFS, and yes, there are bad days.. But the key is controlling CFS is through a solid routine. CFS is not curable, but it is manageable and you can greatly reduce your symptoms.

He isn't being fair on you and your children and until he seeks medical advice, there will be nothing you can do to help him.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 20:34:51

I knowledge AF I do. He feels hard done by. He feels angry he's ill angry he's skint and angry im not all over him like a porn star. That's what I reckon anyway. He says I'm wrong.
No matter how much he is pissed off with me why would you ignore your own kids ?

There really is no one more important to him then him. He tells me he wants love honesty and respect he shouts that at me all the time. But where's mine. Because I've screamed shouted and threw things he comes out of arguments better then me because I just lose it and a months worth of resentment comes out.

Right what would you say to him about the ignoring of kids how is that ok ?

Im not going to post anymore because I don't want to be one of those annoying posters who gets heaps of advice then does fuck all. I've been around long enough to know how annoying that is.

Thanks

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