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im so sad..

(58 Posts)
crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:08:03

I feel like I've wasted 23 years of my life.
Thats how long we've been together. 3 dc aged 2-10.
Husband has m.e/CFS and has become bitter, angry and depressed.
He doesn't do anything with the kids ever. I work fulltime, drop the kids to school and childminders, and pick them up again on the way home. I do everything at home, everything with the kids, just everything.
Dh sleeps all day hence the childminder. Wakes late afternoon to take medication. Stays up all night to admin a website he part owns.
He tells me he loves me and wants a physical relationship but I end up pushing him away as I'm exhausted and pretty much seething with resentment.
I have no social life, we go nowhere together due to his illness and I can't go out on my own becasuse I would never hear the end of it. He is very insecure, very jealous, will sulk and make sarky comments if I'm away from my desk and he can't reach me by phone.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I'm getting more and more angry. Yesterday he couldn't reach me on my mobile on my way home so left me a shitty voicemail ( which he always says isn't shitty and I'm being paranoid ) so when I got home he was in the bath, which meant me doing dinner again. I lost my temper and started kicking the bathroom door. I'm so ashamed.
The kids are so good. They have no expectations from him anymore, they even excuse his shouting outbursts, saying they understand he's ill.
I don't want them to grow up with that though.
He sleeps on the sofa every night till I get up, then transfers to bed once we've all hone to work and school. My 2 year old thinks that's his bed !! I've asked him not to as we can't use the lounge but he blames it on me saying I get too angry if he crawls into bed at 5am.
I have got annoyed in the past as I just wanted him to share the same sleep cycle as the rest of the family but I've given up now. I don't believe thats the reason anyway as he sleeps in the bed if we have sex, it feels like its only worth sleeping next to me if he's getting some.
Were pretty skint as we live on my salary and my tax credits alone and I know not having his own money masked him feel

crikeybill Tue 04-Feb-14 20:31:46

If I try and talk to him he goes into full victim mode.
He sees it as me attacking him, me moaning.
He just says over and over, well I don't want to be the reason your unhappy.
So change then !!!!!

But he won't. So he says shall I just go,or, there's no point to this. Its like he calls my bluff and I'm such a controlled idiot I can't take that step.
The whole house feels poisonous my poor kids !!

JuliaScurr Tue 04-Feb-14 20:44:49

I agree with bertha

The relationship might be saved if he commits to improving your liestyle.
His situation re health is unfortunate and not his fault, but he could deal with it better, eg have a more acceptable sleep pattern. His financial situation is not his fault, it's a policy predicted to inevitably put stress on relationships. It could still be coped with better. He is surely depressed - it often causes irritability. He needs to get some treatment.

You can make some reasonable demands and give an ultimatum. Though much of it isn't his fault, he's not helping. you can't go on like that forever. He must commit to making changes

RandomMess Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:01

I really think you ought to call his bluff and tell him to go.

I am leaving my dh because despite promises to address his issues on his own, or our issues together he doesn't want to take responsibilty for either. I've waited over 2 years. My life is passing me by so I've decided to do something.

All my ds see is 2 depressed parents, if I leave at least I may be happier - who knows perhaps he will address his own issues and be happier too.

There is absolutely no reason for him to stay up until 5am and then do nothing all day. Even at my most depressed I contributed something!!

paxtecum Tue 04-Feb-14 20:58:14

I hope you get the strength to resolve this and ask him to leave.

He may make changes after he has left, which would benefit all of you
It's unlikely that he will change if you don't make him leave.

Your home will become a happy home without him in it.

Best wishes to you.

foolonthehill Tue 04-Feb-14 21:05:20

He does nothing and you would not really miss him.

Are you worried about what people would think of you throwing such an "ill" man out?

because i actually can't see any other reason for putting up with everything that you have told us (and this from someone who lived in an abusive marriage and had my eyes firmly closed for over a decade).

Your Oh may be depressed may have ME and may have CFS but NONE of those things actually excuse the way he treats you and your children. And his symptoms do not fit with the degree of disability he claims.

i think that you are a strong and capable woman and for some reason see that this is something that you can and should cope with, when in fact you deserve so much better.

You gave him a second chance 4 years ago, he has not kept his promises and is not living for the benefit of his family or you.

I think you will walk away from this eventually. try hard to think why you would want your DCs to see this as normal or to model their future lives and relationships on it. if you can't think of a reason you know you need to go.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Tue 04-Feb-14 21:10:20

Yes I realise you have a CM atm - and I see no reason why your bloke cannot do more if he gets himself sorted as described above. I just meant that he may not be well enough to do without one altogether from time to time.

Either he makes changes or he leaves. And it is not all about your happiness either as he seems to think - it is about him being the best he can.

Even if he achieves these changes, the relationship may be over.

MrsKent Wed 05-Feb-14 09:39:44

He has ME/CFS. It is unbelievably hard to manage a long term condition that causes daily pain.
He also is depressed. This is a serious health issue that needs treatment.
He also is unreasonable and unwilling to help himself by following a very unhealthy lifestyle and shutting down his family connections.
I feel he is also acting like a bad father to the children.
If you want to stay with him for whatever reason be aware that you cannot help him, he needs to be willing to help himself and you need to decide how much you are willing to put up with.
If you decide not to continue with him be sure you are not leaving because he is ill but be because he has no intention of trying to lead a better life.

JuliaScurr Wed 05-Feb-14 18:26:23

yes, Mrs Kent

Tell him that ^ op
I'm disabled and make lots of demands on dp because I have no choice; but I would try to make changes where I could

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